So wait, the solution to the writer’s strike is lesbian orgies? Ah, whatever — I’ll bite on anything Maggie Gyllenhaal feeds me — pun intended. Rowr. (Celebitchy)
Although I heard Dora the Explorer was pissed she didn’t get an invite. (WIMB)
If you’ve got an hour or so to kill (and if you’re at work, of course you do) here’s a list of the “Top 99 Women of the Year.” Don’t miss out on number one, a real Paj fave. Whee! (AskMen)
I’d like to wish congratulations and good luck to our own John Williams on his new project “Titlepage,” an online talk-show in the vein of “Dinner for Five,” to feature a roundtable of authors each episode. (NY Times)
Whaa? Chez sticking up for the Religious Right? Excuse me whilst I rub my eyes in shocked disbelief. (HuffingtonPost)
Who’d you rather, road hazard edition: Britney Spears hopped up on cough syrup and frappuccino or an 83-year-old killing machine? (QuizLaw)
Ahhh, so that’s the deal with Nickelodeon promos! (College Humor)
Oh my goodness, I had to wait for the laughter to stop and wipe the tears off my face before I could post this. Just click, I can’t even type it out or I might lose it again. (Agent Bedhead)
Fartbucks is shaking things up, and I don’t care if they do have one dollar coffee, I’ll pay the extra 50 cents to get it from my mom and pop coffee shop. (Galley Slaves)
Who knew Katie Holmes could even feel emotions other than anesthetized euphoria? (IDLYITW)
After the jump: “If she see one movie this year, make sure she see How She Move.
I wasn't aware there even WERE 99 women in Hollywood, let alone 99 that men would dig. And how (HOW!?!) does Alba even make the list? Am I so retarded in the ways of men that I can't see what a delicious sex eclaire she is, or am I in fact correct in beliving she is simply a quarter step up from really cute trailer trash?
Posted by: Mella at January 31, 2008 4:21 PM
Thanks for the good wishes!
Posted by: JMW at January 31, 2008 4:23 PM
That list could also be known as BSlim's "Untalented Whores that I Would Still Dry Hump" List. Unless I have completely missed the mark...
Posted by: boo at January 31, 2008 4:24 PM
Starbucks can take their venti latte and ram it up their collective cornholes. But then, I'm a Dunkies guy.
Aw, Maggie Gyllenhaal. You make me feel funny down where I pee.
I know I am neither a man nor a lesbian (and so not the target audience), but that list of 99 women was almost entirely disappointing. I kept waiting for it to improve and it just...didn't. But maybe this is exactly how men feel when they read lists of the Hottest Men in Hollywood, I don't know.
Posted by: docsmartypants at January 31, 2008 4:30 PM
I agree with BWeaves. That ain't funny that shit be sad...And on the "shit be sad" list: How in the hell is Giada de Laurentiis only 96? I mean, what the hell? She is hot stuff!
Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 31, 2008 4:50 PM
I just noticed that one of Pajiba's sister-sites, IDLYITW, thinks Maggie G is uGGGGGLEE.
Whose right?
Posted by: Jordan at January 31, 2008 5:12 PM
So, men's magazines and their ilk are still maintaining the trend of calling bags of bones with breast implants "sexy"? Okay, just checking. I mean, really, where is Eva Green on that list? I guess perhaps we should just be grateful that they've finally given up on trying to convince us Cameron Diaz is sexy.
It's kind of funny that on the flip side, it's men like Matt Damon and George Clooney who are called the sexiest men.
Posted by: Lannie at January 31, 2008 5:13 PM
No, ScarletKnight, you're kidding, right?? She's a lollypop, and when she smiles you can see every last tooth in her head; she's sooo freaking scary! (Not to mention obnoxious.)
Posted by: pinkcheese at January 31, 2008 5:13 PM
Victoria's Secret makes the bulk of its profits out of two nights a year, i.e., shopping for New Year's Eve and shopping for ValenFuckinTines Day. Their entire premise is that you need a man on those two nights or you are not a complete person and the only way to keep said man is to wear shiny purple underwear made from synthetic material that will ultimately result in a visit to the metronidazole aisle in your local pharmacy. And we trust any list form these people because.......
And before I'm accused of being an underwear prude, I love sexy underwear, that's why I don't shop at VS.
Posted by: PaddyDog at January 31, 2008 5:39 PM
I just really dig the fact that she is Eye-talian and can cook up a storm. That and she has...you know big, um...teeth?
Posted by: ScarletKnight at January 31, 2008 5:39 PM
Dora the Explorer, a lesbiana?
Oh if only the news were true, I could have so much fun with my family about it.
Posted by: Andrew831 at January 31, 2008 5:40 PM
Mr. Kolby ADORES Giada Di Laurentiis. Seriously, he DVRs her shows just so he can see what she's wearing and how much cleavage it exposes.
And TK, does everyone call it Dunkies? I thought that was just a cutesy thing between me & my hubs.
Posted by: Kolby at January 31, 2008 6:26 PM
Kolby, you might be dismayed that 'round these parts, most people call it Dunkies. Which means that, well, when you and hubs do it, well...
That list could also be known as BSlim's "Untalented Whores that I Would Still Dry Hump" List. Unless I have completely missed the mark...
Posted by: boo at January 31, 2008 4:24 PM
BAM!
And lemme just express my OUTRAGE at how Giada's massive ti....err I mean her, as a thinking, feeling, breathing pair of spectacular mammaries was relegated to such a low ranking.
I'm sure all the skirts here will agree with me.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 31, 2008 6:59 PM
I may not call it Dunkies, but I swear by that coffee. Starbucks coffee tastes like shit - that's a well-documented fact. The only schmancy coffeshop chain coffee I'll drink is Caribou.
Giada is spectacularly hot. And not annoying.
Posted by: tt_marie at January 31, 2008 7:23 PM
I actually stopped watching the clip with Maggie Gyllenhaal in it. It was just painfully boring. You can't sell that threesome enough for me to watch it even if it did happen.
As a guy, I even found the AskMen.com's top 99 to be offensive. An all too significant amount of them were models that you could sub in and out each year and just as easily forget. It's pretty sad when you keep going, "Who?" when reading the list and them trying to sell a person's talent level based on things like the new TV version of Dukes of Hazzard.
Even the known people were horribly done. Certain talented actresses who were in at least decent money making movies if not in award nominee type films didn't even crack the list. I mean, Lindsay Lohan is ranked 95 and Ashlee Simpson is ranked 93. This means they are both ranked above the previously mentioned Giada de Laurentiis and Jenna Fischer. Ashley just beats out Zhang Ziyi. Forget whatever so called "talent" they have, they just aren't that attractive. I know females that are far more "doable" than a large number of women on that list.
P.S. You can vote if the rank is too low, too high, or just right. I don't think I need to say what the vote results are for Giada, Jenna vs. Lindsay and Ashley. *sigh*
Posted by: mb at January 31, 2008 7:26 PM
i have always been of the opinion that starbucks is a communist plot.
that being said, we settled the issue long ago by buying a keurig (okay, we bought a flavia first) one cup coffee machine. well worth the price, and no f*cking snooty crowd to deal with.
Posted by: bionic bunny at January 31, 2008 8:19 PM
So Askmen's, notice they aren't named askstraightmen, list extends from Kim Kardashian to Katherine Heigl while the largest purveyor of cheap rayon priced by the gram, it's not coke people, thinks Ryan Secrest is the sexiest man. Meanwhile Starblech gets that people may be catching on to the fact that paying $4 is too much to step out of the office for 15 minutes when you can actually leave for free. No one ever lost a dime underestimating American taste.
It's amusing to see Maggie pretending she's hot but I still crack up thinking about how disgusted the video store clerk in Dodge Ball was after going through endless anal porn titles that he had to remind Vince Vaughn to bring back Mona Lisa Smile too. After watching putative babby-daddy Sarsgaard host SNL they could have mated on video and I would have admitted he might be bi and that would have been very grudgingly. He makes Mo Rocha and David Sedaris look like Stallone and Schwarzenegger.
Posted by: OscarTamerz at January 31, 2008 9:11 PM
I find it fascinating that over 5 million men (I think that was their estimate...)think that, for the most part, models and fairly dumb seeming women are the hot ones. Of the top 20, there are 2 women who are there because they are known to be able to talk and chew gum at the same time. The rest of them are models/actresses who, for some of them, have been known to say things beyond the realm of normal dumbassery and reaching into levels which indicate possible brain damage.
I understand that not all women can be smart, I understand that not all smart women are sexy and that there are sexy women that are smart. But what does it say about American male society when 5 million men basically say that being an idiot is more desirable than being smart?
Maybe it's just the guys who go to AskMen.com who are morons but thats about 5 million men who are morons.
Posted by: NotBlonde at January 31, 2008 9:34 PM
And wow, Dora is that conscious about her sexuality...how old is she?
Posted by: NotBlonde at January 31, 2008 9:50 PM
I don't have a Dunkin Donuts here. But I do have the ground coffee that goes into my coffee maker every morning.
It is so good. On the offhand chance that the grocery store is out of it, I have to go to my second love, Community Coffee. Not quite as good, but still kicks the ass of Starbucks.
Posted by: Melody at January 31, 2008 10:27 PM
"Maybe it's just the guys who go to AskMen.com who are morons"
I think there we have highlighted the heart of the matter.
From the Askmen site:
"In casting their votes, readers are asked to look beyond sex appeal and beauty to pick women who have the characteristics they value in a potential companion, like intelligence, humor, charisma, and ambition. The result is an annual list that acts as the definitive gauge for identifying what modern men desire most in their female companions."
Sooooo... implants and a lobotomy then?
*sigh* I think I just turned a little bit gay.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 1, 2008 4:30 AM
Yea, I'm switching teams too if that's what men are looking for. I don't stand a chance in hell in a world where Kim Kardashian beats out Cate Blanchett (I'm not sure I got the ranking right, but I can't be arsed to go check, it's enough that those two women are on the same list at all!).
Posted by: joker at February 1, 2008 6:31 AM
Giada's cookbook is awesome, but girlfriend is in loooove with herself. Every time I turned the page I had to see her perky ones hovering over a plate of pasta. It got old.
Also, my sister and I love watching her show and dying laughing because she is such a secret control freak. She's always asking friends to chip in and help, but you can tell she'd be watching them like a hawk the whole damn time.
Posted by: Samantha T at February 1, 2008 8:26 AM
Hey, hold up, whoa there Pajibettes... that idiotic askmen poll is in NO WAY indicative of how all men think about women. It may be how their though-deficient, insecure, cave-dwelling, droopy-eyed, hairy-palmed readership thinks, but, really now - is that the demographic you'd be mining for companionship?
Come on now, don't lose faith in us based on the askmen readership, for fucks sake. These are people who wear trucker hats in completely non-ironic fashion (although I get annoyed by those that wear them in ironic fashion as well).
plus.....most of them are probably high school boys, looking for self-validation in the form of visual stimulation.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 1, 2008 9:43 AM
Strike question. Can the companies who signed interim agreements with the WGA produce their own pilots and new TV pilots/shows and then put them on Network TV? Or for TV ourposes did the agreements just cover the ongoing Letterman and Ferguson shows?
By the way, if Maggie keeps the series going, it will just prolong the strike. You need the threat of unattractvie people making sex tapes public until the stike ends. I nominate Rosanne & Rosie
Posted by: Brian at February 1, 2008 10:26 AM
Don't miss out on number one, a real Paj fave. Whee!
Congrats to Miss Killer of rainbows
Posted by: Brian at February 1, 2008 10:30 AM
Brian raises an excellent point. Unlike some here, I am still well in touch with my knuckle-dragging brute side (which apparently still has enough taste to disagree with the Askmen.com rankings and judging criteria, if not all the choices). And according to him, women having sex with each other, even in black and white and only by insinuation, seems like motivation to keep the strike going, in order for more psuedo-porn to be made. Especially if a hot pizza delivery girl is included.
Ladies, if you wish to give up the other sex based on such a list, fine. I understand your pain. Every time an educated and well-adjusted female decides to go for the good-looking meathead, I want to slit my wrists. The guys who actually picked that list would call you lesbians for turning them down anyway. Besides, if more nerdy chicks start making out with each other, maybe the world will become a better place.
And to answer your question, Jordan, Maggie is hot and we are right. Pajiba is ALWAYS right.
Posted by: Vermillion at February 1, 2008 10:45 AM
Also, considering AskMen are calling it "List of Most Desirable Women" haw can one of the 4 Mistresses of the Apocalypse be listed (95). Who desires an STD?
Posted by: Brian at February 1, 2008 10:47 AM
Preach on bionic bunny! Loving the Kreuig.
Posted by: Brian at February 1, 2008 10:49 AM
Vermillion, take solace in this: if she's going for the good-looking meathead, she isn't as smart or well-adjusted as you thought, and you can most likely do better, homeboy. Or at least, you should WANT to do better. Some nice, smart, well-adjusted cutie with more discerning taste and who doesn't want to eat your braaaaaaaainsss.
Posted by: Vermillion at February 1, 2008 11:03 AM
Re: the whole educated, well-adjusted female going for the meathead--I'm geeky and well-educated and, I've been told, cute, and trust me, every now and again it is fun to toy with the good-looking meatheads. As companions, though? Not so much. TK's right--if they *seriously* consider the meathead as more than a drinking buddy/fuck buddy/bad movie buddy, then yeah...definitely not that smart or well-adjusted.
Posted by: em at February 1, 2008 11:09 AM
Oops. Did I say that out loud?
My bad, V.
Posted by: TK at February 1, 2008 11:10 AM
Quick before the zombies get stuck in my head again:
It seems the denouncement of the list and its proponents seem a bit unfair though. No guy (not even the meatheads) honestly thinks that most of the women on that list are marriage material. Trust me. That is a monkeyspank list. Even the seemingly legit choices are only there primarily because of the monkeyspank sessions they induce. Just because they may trigger a reaction down below doesn't mean they are actually desirable over all other women. Hell, if that was the only criteria, a stiff wind would be number 3.
No true list of desired lifelong companions exist, because it is impossible. It is against the laws of nature and physics. Quite frankly, we have no goddamn idea what we want in terms of personality or intelligence until we see it. It is just that we see the body first, so most of these lists will focus on that. But some things are just ingrained. Like me. I could give or take a starlet or a model. I would give a passing glance at most of those women. But if they had, say, horn-rimmed glasses, purple hair, and some tattoos (hint, hint), then I can see myself hurting some people in order to be around her.
...Shit, still thinking about them damn zombies. Fuck you, TK!!!!
Posted by: Vermillion at February 1, 2008 11:24 AM
Damnit, Vermillion....horn-rimmed glasses, purple hair, and tattoos sound hot as hell. We might have to throw down if we're ever in the same area.
You are completely right about the list, however. I'm sure the female equivalent "desirable men" list would contain guys that make women's nethers quiver...not always necessarily someone they'd want to settle down with. I've always taken lists like these with a grain of salt....an exercise in wish fulfillment for spank material (if I was at home alone and horny as hell...who would I want to walk up to me and offer to **** my brains out and then leave in the morning?). Fun to imagine, but imagination and reality have never been compatible.
Frankly, I wouldn't mind an intelligent, strong woman as a companion who knows what she wants and is comfortable with her body. Confidence is sexy, people...on every level. Anorexic curves and photoshopped skin is only sexy on a physical level.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 1, 2008 11:33 AM
Hmmmmm, but what if said purple haired geek girl had been getting an awful series of cravings recently? For the flesh of the living perhaps?
Posted by: Alex the Odd at February 1, 2008 11:33 AM
Samantha T: That's exactly my problem with her.
"I'm having all my little friends over for a cookie swap! Oh, let's look at you teeny-tiny cookies in a tupperware bowl for 3 seconds; how cute! Oh, now we'll shove them aside so the camera can pan lovingly across the platters of amazing cookies I made while I tell you all how fabulous they are! You made some more? Oops, we're out of time!"
Posted by: pinkcheese at February 1, 2008 11:40 AM
Oh, Alex... little girl, that is just downright mean. Stop torturing the poor boy.
Man, what's that smell in here? It almost smells....like...decaying flesh...?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 1, 2008 12:23 PM
Vermillion is so right - I can't remember ever caring about the intellectual prowess of the guys I dated between the ages of 18 and 22 (22 is when I met Mr. Kolby). In fact, the less they said, the better.
Posted by: Kolby at February 1, 2008 12:46 PM
I hate you all. You and this stupid zombie joke. Now I can't stop looking around corners for the undead.
Bastards.
Alex wounds me the most, since she knows the hypnotic hold she has on me. All she has to do is flash a peek of a tattoo, or type (I have never heard her voice, but I know it is beautiful) something magically beguiling in that British lilt of hers, like her confession about Digimon and her loving Warhammer and...oh my. I am getting quite flustered. I would go on, but I am in public now and I might do something...unseemly.
See? What the fuck does Askmen.com know about what a man wants? When they have a top 100 cyberstalked geek girls, then I might consider they opinion. Hell, the oft-mentioned Women of Pajiba Calendar is more credible, because that is based on just blurbs of text. Talk about sexy! Great, now I need some cold water.
In closing: TK, your special package is on the way. When you open it, please make sure you raise your chin, so that my fist can quickly and accurately administer your neck-punch. Thank you.
Posted by: Vermillion at February 1, 2008 12:53 PM
Giada irritates me because she totally over-pronounces all the Italian words. My friends from Italy crack up listening to her. She's the Food Channel equivalent of a weather man talking about South America.
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 1, 2008 1:04 PM
Barbados' ode to breasts:
TITS RULE!!!!!!
that is all.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 1, 2008 1:57 PM
I find it hilarious that Giada's cooking skills are obviously not being taken into account for her desirability. Just because some of the really skinny girls on the list don't wnat to eat doesn't mean the guys won't
Posted by: Brian at February 1, 2008 2:29 PM
TK, don't worry, I'm still in the ranks of the firmly heterosexual. I have to admit, about 70% of the guys I know are intimidated by geeky, smart, snarky girls (who wear glasses). That or I'm in the wrong fucking country and I need to get out. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the pajiban men aren't the norm in the U.S. either.
I really really want someone to explain to me what men find so appealing about lesbian sex. Then after that, explain Maggie Gyllenhaallllalalala
Posted by: joker at February 1, 2008 2:42 PM
Giada's not even a chef. Did you see her on Iron Chef? She had to be paired up with a REAL chef, just like Rachael Ray did and I think each of them made maybe one item in the "hour" of competition.
Her show is just food porn. Plus, the width of her head exceeds the width of her waist. That is CREEPY.
Posted by: AM at February 1, 2008 2:43 PM
TK, don't worry, I'm still in the ranks of the firmly heterosexual. Still, about 70% of the guys I know are intimidated by geeky, smart, snarky girls (who wear glasses). Or I'm in the wrong fucking country and I need to get out. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the pajiban men aren't the norm in the U.S. either.
I really really want someone to explain to me what men find so appealing about lesbian sex. Then after that, explain Maggie Gyllenhaallllalalala.
Posted by: joker at February 1, 2008 2:43 PM
sorry for hte double post...clicked on post instead of preview...never mind. I shouldn't even be here...I have a thesis to finish writing...fuck
Posted by: joker at February 1, 2008 2:50 PM
joker - RE: lesbian sex. Women's bodies are beautiful. Soft skin, pleasantly plump, visually stimulating. People tend to be greedy, and always want more...in this case, visual stimulation. Men see nothing wrong with more than one woman (see: harems). Women are hotter when turned on and engaging in sexual activities (I'm sure it's the same reciprocated). Since having more than one woman in a mental scene would get boring if they're standing around posing, they might as well be playing with each other.
I've heard the same is not true for women in regards to gay sex. Trying to think outside the box as a heterosexual man....I have to agree.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 1, 2008 2:58 PM
Also....see: BarbadoSlim's comment.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 1, 2008 2:59 PM
Can someone please explain to me why the AgentBedhead link was supposed to be funny? I don't get it.