Pajiba Love 01/26/09

You’d Be Sad Too If You Were Watching Your Career Flush Down The Toilet

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | January 26, 2009 | Comments (51)

Hating Jeremy Piven has suddenly become mainstream. It’s a trend I think everyone can safely jump on the bandwagon for. (Yeeeah!)

The celeb gossip universe has been sent into total fucking upheaval. Why? Because Jessica Simpson got a little fat, that’s why. (WIMB)

Oooh! Fun!! I love word games! (QuizLaw)

Does anyone else think it’s a smidge, uh, creepy that Sasha and Malia have been turned into stuffed animals? (Evil Beet)

Katy Perry was joking about her stupid celibacy vow, and more importantly, has insulted my integrity as an upstanding journalist. Which is fair, because I constantly insult her integrity as an alleged musician. (Agent Bedhead)

If you don’t watch awards shows because they’re long and boring, catch the live-blogging recap of the SAG awards. (Film Experience)

Pizza Hut’s attempt at healthy pizza tastes like all-natural ass. (TIB)

The Bloggies have released their 2009 nominations, and as usual, Pajiba has been snubbed while Perez Hilton practically sweeps. Such is life. (bloggies)

Paul McCartney might be getting married again. I sure as fuck hope he does a background check this time. (Celebitchy)

All I can say is thank goodness the Nazi parents who named their kid Hitler weren’t smart enough to use this kind of technology. (KSK)

For those of you who are into this sort of thing, Rosario Dawson rocked all kinds of cleavage on “Saturday Night Live” this weekend. (popoholic)

Can married people have opposite sex best friends? I guess it all just depends if your husband or wife is an immature pain in the ass or not. (Jezebel)

I laughed so hard watching this clip that my own Australian Shepherd thought I was crying and frantically came over to comfort me: (Update, click here if you have problems viewing.)

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

I say it's about GODDAMNED TIME people got in on the Piven hate. I of course, have always hated his ass.

Slim is ahead of his time, always..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 26, 2009 1:18 PM

I dunno about that background check. If someone did a background check on me before we got married, even if I was totally gold-digging the guy, I'd be pretty upset.

Posted by: Marra at January 26, 2009 1:21 PM

The real question is, do you really need two belts if you're fat? It's not like you're so skinny that your pants keep slipping off ya', y'know...

Posted by: Sofía at January 26, 2009 1:30 PM

I was going to make a joke about keeping Elbert Duffy away from those Sasha and Malia dolls, but I can't. Too squicky.

Yeah, I can't say I understand Jessica Simpson's sartorial choices. Skinny or fat, who wears two belts?

I named my cat Rilo Kitty, because I love Rilo Kiley. Seeing Katy Perry do something similar makes me feel bad about myself.

Posted by: Melissa at January 26, 2009 1:34 PM

If Jessica Simpson is gaining weight, I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that her younger sister had a baby before she did. Some people don't care about that stuff, but she strikes me as the kind of woman who would.

The Sasha and Malia dolls make me want to burn all my beanie babies to strike back at Ty. But then I remember that there's a ridiculously slim chance they might be worth something one day in Neverneverland.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 26, 2009 1:37 PM

What if he married a lady with three legs this time? Wouldn't that be awesome? THREE LEGS! Can you imagine? The future is around the corner, people - and McCartney is on the cusp of something spectacular!

Posted by: Skitz at January 26, 2009 1:39 PM

Both times I watched that clip of the Australian Shepherd I laughed so hard I cried. I think he must have gone into a trance thinking about how much he would rather have Caesar Milan train him than that horrible woman.

Also, I don't think Jessica Simpson looks that bad. It's just that the pants do her no justice. She looks like a real woman, one who doesn't spend 3 hours a day with her personal trainer and doesn't have 8 chefs on staff to prepare pretty meals with no calories.

Posted by: stardust savant at January 26, 2009 1:41 PM

At least the kids weren't turned into sock monkeys.

And ugh, Jessica Simpson is not fat. SHUT UP ENTERTAINMENT WORLD, I HATE YOU!

Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 1:44 PM

The accountant at an old job ran a credit check on her husband before agreeing to marry him. I already didn't like her when I heard that.

Posted by: Jay at January 26, 2009 1:45 PM

Wait, did you read the McCartney piece? She's decided to "swap her favorite steaks for veggies" and "tone down her Republican right-wing views" to be more compatible with his left-leaning politics. So you meet a rich patsy (and that's really all he is after the Mills debacle) and suddenly you change your world view and become vegetarian? And he's not at all suspicious that it's his money and fame she's after? When was Paul McCartney lobotomized?

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 26, 2009 1:55 PM

Really? A Raggedy-Ann doll? Huh. After the list went through all the people and dogs it wasn't, I was guessing an inanimate object, but more like a metal napkin dispenser or a soda machine or something. I'm almost disappointed, which makes me think there's something really wrong with me.

Oh, Katy Perry. Nobody cares about your vagina, honey. Shhh.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 26, 2009 1:56 PM

I don't care who you are, I'm not giving up my steaks to marry you. Even if you are a Beatle. Or RDJ, for argument's sake.

Posted by: Melissa at January 26, 2009 1:59 PM

I watched that Soup thing with my wife this weekend, and while I thought it was pretty hilarious, she about popped a vein in her head laughing harder than I've ever seen her. She was out of control, crying, etc. It made me love her a little more.

I do not love Spaghetti Roker, however. Please to be having for more Spaghetti Cat in future, thanks.

Posted by: Snath at January 26, 2009 2:01 PM

Okay, look. I've never liked Jessica Simpson's because she is retarded and annoying, but I really don't get the hateration for her "fatness". Let's take this specific instance as an example. Those are WILDLY unflattering trousers; they'd make a skeleton look hippy. Her giant rack and those unnecessary and hideous belts aren't helping anything, and on top of all of that, she almost never stands up straight because she is a troglodyte (her sister slouches, too).

Her tummy does look somewhat bulgier than usual even accounting for the poor posture, but isn't she, like, 5'2"? So she probably gained... what? Maybe six pounds? Wow, I guess she ate lunch BOTH days this weekend! I mean, seriously, that ain't fat. She looks like a totally normal (albeit dumb as hell) person in powerfully ugly clothes who won't fucking stand up straight.

Ugh. Fuck you, gossip community, for making me goddamn defend Jessica Simpson's useless ass. Now I have to go punch myself in the face for about twenty minutes. Thanks a lot, haters.

Posted by: Sarina at January 26, 2009 2:04 PM

When was Paul McCartney lobotomized?

Dec 8, 1980.

I don't even know what that means, but I know it's offensive!

Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 2:05 PM

And yes, I realise that I sometimes write for a gossip site and therefore essentially just told myself to fuck off. But I've never called Jessica Simpson fat. There are like eight billion reasons to make fun of Jessica Simpson, but pretending she's fat isn't one of them.

Posted by: Sarina at January 26, 2009 2:05 PM

I do not love Spaghetti Roker, however.

I don't either, but I do love that he's called Staples.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 2:07 PM

"I don't even know what that means, but I know it's offensive!"

Yeah, offensive LIKE A FOX! THREE LEGS, MAN! He is nothing less than a God among men!

Now all he's gotta do is swipe Heather Mills' remaining one, strap/graft it onto the new Missus, and he could ride her like a friggin' steed of justice! HE WILL SHOW US THE TRUTH!

Posted by: Skitz at January 26, 2009 2:09 PM

Jeebus, I can't watch the clip here at work, but I thought the girl in that picture was Nellie Olsen. Holy crap, it's a slow Monday, and I am old.

Remember when Half-Pint sold Nellie her saddle or pony or some shit to buy a stove for Ma? Tears, people, tears.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 26, 2009 2:11 PM

Sarina, you're trying my patience like Leia tried Tarkin's.

Yeah, those aren't even "mom jeans". They are off the map. I'd say the trunk was displaying junk at least...if the waistband wasn't a foot higher still to go, creating a really weird effect.

Posted by: Jay at January 26, 2009 2:17 PM

The fuck is it with Paul McCartney and his love of getting married? The last time he tried it homegirl broke her foot off in his ass. And now he's running back for more. When I was in junior high school I kept teasing some girl in one of my classes, one day she kicked me in the nuts, then and only then did I realize that I should not have been fucking around with her.

Posted by: Pookie at January 26, 2009 2:20 PM

Leia tried Tarkin's
Please tell me that's not a song lyric. It needs to be and I want to be the one to make that happen.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 26, 2009 2:22 PM

"Sarina, you're trying my patience like Leia tried Tarkin's."

Wait, what? Trying your patience how?

...is it because I said I recognised your foul stench when I was brought on board?

Posted by: Sarina at January 26, 2009 2:25 PM

Just gimme a co-writing credit on the publishing and it's yours.

Posted by: Jay at January 26, 2009 2:25 PM

Oh dear, my two verification words for the bloggies ballot were Hyman Enforced. I...uh...I don't even know what to say to that.

Posted by: Miss_E at January 26, 2009 2:27 PM

With all the writing you're not doing. You're like Douglas Adams up in this shit!

Posted by: Jay at January 26, 2009 2:28 PM

Hi, so this is in no way a negative response to Pajiba Love (love the Love, love the Stace), but I don't know where else to whine about this. So it's going here.

Dear Pajiba,

The only thing that got me out of bed this morning was the thought of reading Dan's LOST recap. I need it. I want it. I must have it. Soon, yes?

Mournfully,
Lainey

Posted by: Lainey at January 26, 2009 2:29 PM

"With all the writing you're not doing. You're like Douglas Adams up in this shit!"

Well, I'm feeling kind of wordless lately. Fix it, and I'll write more. How do you like them apples?

Posted by: Sarina at January 26, 2009 2:31 PM

I've watched that clip of the dog about 1,000 times already. I cannot stop watching and laughing. Holy hell, I love animals.

Aw, poor J Simp. She's still cute - those are bad pants and maybe she did gain a few. But she's still cute. That girl, I swear, I want to manage her life for her. She always seems to be doing or wearing or saying something moronic.

Posted by: tt_marie at January 26, 2009 2:32 PM

THREELEGS got me thinking... would the third leg look like a right leg or left leg? Or would it be an ambidextrous limb, perfectly symetrical in every way? Would the foot be flat, and would the toes all be the same size, or smaller and becoming bigger as they approach the middle? Would the big toe be in the middle for proper support?

Skitz, please answer me!

Posted by: Sofía at January 26, 2009 2:37 PM

THREE LEGS! Can you imagine? The future is around the corner, people - and McCartney is on the cusp of something spectacular!

Thanks a bunch, Skitz! I'm supposed to be testing our next software upgrade, and now all I can think about is, 'if she's got three legs, where the fuck is her cusp located??!??'

*grumble* my dirty mind can be a real pain in the ass when I'm meant to be working on a deadline....

Posted by: Tarn at January 26, 2009 2:41 PM

Am I the only one here considering the possibility of cross breeding Spaghetti Cat and Stains The Cupcake Loving Dog to create some sort of super-viral Cupghetti loving Puppy/Kitten that will rule the interwebs with an iron paw? I am? Well, then I'll just shut up now.

Posted by: Jeremy McQueen@hotmail.com at January 26, 2009 2:45 PM

I bet McCartney already has three legs IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 2:46 PM

He got the peg leg in the divorce? That seems fair.

Posted by: MrCreosote at January 26, 2009 2:53 PM

I need it. I want it. I must have it. Soon, yes?

RIGHT?!

Posted by: jM at January 26, 2009 2:58 PM

That is not two belts, it is a girdle masquerading as two belts. It's even camouflaged for Christopus sakes.

Jeremy, I have dropped a quick word to Doctor Mephisto, he is willing to take on the project if he may add additional asses.

Posted by: admin at January 26, 2009 3:07 PM

Wordless? Pull the other one! Just not enough making you angry lately, must be.

Posted by: Jay at January 26, 2009 3:10 PM

Okay, I had this conversation with my friends a few days ago, but if you name your special, healthy pizza "The Natural," then what does that say about your other pizzas? Which ingredient is unnatural? The cheese? Sauce? all of them?

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 26, 2009 3:13 PM

Wow, Western Civ is so boring, I actually just melted my brain. That's not even my email. Wow. I'm just gonna go kill myself now.

admin: Ha! I love it. But there is no way in hell I'm cleaning up after it. Five asses? That's a lot of poop.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 26, 2009 3:17 PM

MrCreosote, his angry pirate costume is going to kick everyone's asses come Halloween.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 26, 2009 3:21 PM

I'm so thrilled to know that I wasn't the only person who was incapacitated (and upset my dogs) by literally crying laughing at "Stains", the Australian Shepherd in the clip.

Also, I am totally on board with the Cupghetti Puppy/Kitten. Although I'd have to make out my will, because I would literally die laughing.

Posted by: Baby Friday at January 26, 2009 3:24 PM

Sorry, but "Three Legs" is a man's nickname. At least, that's what my friends at the gym call me.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 26, 2009 3:30 PM

buc "tri-pod" daddy.

It has a nice ring to it. Plus, when you get tired, it also functions as a kickstand.

Posted by: admin at January 26, 2009 3:36 PM

Daddy long legs.......

Posted by: Pookie at January 26, 2009 3:47 PM

What the eff? My clip is all of a sudden disabled. Thanks an effing lot, The Soup's crappy YouTube account. Cock gobblers.

Posted by: Stacey at January 26, 2009 4:13 PM

I tried that trick with my dog. I'm hoping my fingers grow back some day.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at January 26, 2009 4:50 PM

I still don't hate Jeremy Piven. Don't love him, but don't hate him, either. I meh him, like that blonde chick that everyone here hates, Katherine whatsherface.

That dog will consume your SOUL...

And I don't think J Simp is fat, either, but those fucking horrible pants certainly don't help. She should sue the manufacturers of those things for slander or whatever. Christ, those are awful. Younger people, listen to me: You don't need to resurrect every shitty fashion of the last 50 years in the vain hope that YOU can make them work. You can't. So stop already with those fugly culottes, the hoof-like espadrilles/wedges/platforms, the FUPA-creating high-waisted pants, the billowy tent dresses that make everyone look pregnant, and don't even think about bringing back bell-bottom anything. I think the poncho came back in and went back to crappy clothing hell too quickly to pose much of a threat.

Posted by: Slash at January 26, 2009 5:39 PM

Dog.

Cupcake.

pain.

It was the cruelest thing ever on TV. More cruel than Paris Hilton's New BFF.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at January 26, 2009 5:40 PM

Gung Hey Fat Robbie Burns Choy everyone! My kids, incidentally, are the only true dual holiday havers I've ever heard of (Scots Granny and Chinese Grampa). Floating in tea, we are.

FYI, if that poor dog doesn't get his cupcake tomorrow (according to the 15 days of Chinese New Years) they gonna get theirs, never fear. I just about died laughing too. God I love the internet.

Posted by: replica at January 26, 2009 7:47 PM

Oh crap, that chili cookoff was at CB Smith park in Pembroke Pines. I lived five minutes from there. This hurts my head.

Posted by: Jay at January 27, 2009 7:18 AM

"...my own Australian Shepherd thought I was crying and frantically came over to comfort me"

I didn't know Shep was Australian. I thought he was from Quakertown, PA.

Posted by: The Land Snark at January 28, 2009 5:02 PM

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