Ugh. Dakota Fanning is in negotiations to appear in the next round of Twilight fuckery. Please someone tell me that Dakota Fanning is too good/smart for this bullshit? (Agent Bedhead)
Double ugh. I thought we had seen the last of pretentious celebrity viral clips after the election was over last November. (ASWOBA)
Awww, isn’t this just too fucking precious… Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wear matching outfits to a premiere. (WIMB)
I don’t even know how to preface this clip other than with the usual declaration of spitting liquid out at the computer screen. (QuizLaw)
Kelly Osbourne is in rehab again, for the third time, after getting arrested for punching that chick. Keep reaching for those stars! (Yeeeah!)
Thank God. Zooey Deschanel is working on her second album. Anything that keeps her from making more shitty movies is fine by me. (Celebitchy)
What kind of uncivilized idiocy are the kids of “The Real World” up to this week? Spoiler alert: It involves a BFF-o-meter! (FourFour)
Heather Mills is bragging that she’s getting “chased around everywhere” by NYC men. Uhhh, honey it doesn’t count if they’re carrying pitchforks and torches. (DListed)
This is so cute I can’t even freaking stand it: Adorable, precious little children send letters to Obama. Thanks to Sofia! (NY Times)
Baconized alcohol: A handy guide for separating fact from fiction. (KSK)
Nice boots, asshole. In other words, Pete Wentz has been raiding his wife’s closet. Again. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)
Speaking of douchebags… What if guys’ T-shirts were like a window into their brains? (HolyTaco)
Huzzah! The Flight of the Conchords are going to be releasing a new song every week with a brand new album out April 14th. (YouAin’tNoPicasso)
What’s the hottest new accessory for annoying British assholes who like to grope their own man boobs on occasion? (Celebslam)
I haven’t done one of these in awhile, but here is a Pajiba Love Friday Feature: Darkon, (is that anything like Shadows of Dakaron?) about a bunch of RPG nerds. Enjoy!
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
I'm gonna need a Boozehound ruling on the bacon drink thing. Personally, I can't decide if it's a staggering work of brilliance deserving of some sort of award, or an abomination in the eyes of God.
OK, maybe I need to poll the men on this but... is Heather Mills exceptionally attractive? Cause she really doesn't seem that attractive to me, and she's always got these nasty looks on her face that don't seem to help anything. I just want to understand how someone like that hoodwinked Paul McCartney out of 50% of his money.
Because if she can do it, then I can do it (not to Paul McCartney, but in general), and my morals with regards to gold digging are getting increasingly loose as I remain unemployed, poor, and living in my parents house.
Is it just me, or is it a little creepy to see a bony girl-child in an off-the-shoulder gown? And the bizarre Naomi Watts resemblance actually just makes it worse. Dakota's not even 14 yet. It makes me think of those internet countdown clocks for girls under 18. Yuck.
a bunch of RPG nerds.
Thank Christ; for a second there I thought the nerds had procured some rocket propelled grenades to take out the jocks. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just want to parcel out the RPGs to their proper recipients in the Middle East.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 1:26 PM
GaR, I think most guys think she looks like a bucket of chum. There was the massive age difference, which compensates to some degree, combined with some kind of Jedi mindfuck that no one has figured out yet, plus the whole "I'm the last Beatle who hasn't nailed a one-legged chick yet" thing. That had to weigh heavily on his hopes for his legacy.
Seriously: No one has any fucking idea why Paul McCartney did that, and I'm sure he says the same thing every morning in the shower. Then he goes and rolls in his massive gymnasium full of hundred-pound notes and laughs and laughs.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 1:31 PM
Thank you rich douchebags of America. Up until the moment I hit play on your psa, I felt the optimism and goodwill generated by our nation's collective rejection of politics of fear and separation. I felt a thawing in my icy, cynical heart and thought for the first time that people don't just inherently suck. Now I realize that people and, in particular, YOU people suck more than ever. You pledge to be a servant to the president!?! What fucking morons! Thank you unnamed rich asshole, for selling your obnoxious car and buying a hybrid. Now go buy your "I saved the planet t-shirt" and have an orgy in your gold hottub while your illegal maid aborts your illegitimate kid in a back alley. It makes me wish Bush had won a third term just to make these self-righteous pricks sad.
Posted by: Handel at January 23, 2009 1:31 PM
I used to program in RPG III programming language on the IBM 36 something or other for about 8 years in the 1990s (Gotopus, that sounds old). Anyway, I saw the words NERD and RPG in the same sentence and had horrible punchcard flashbacks.
Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2009 1:33 PM
is Heather Mills exceptionally attractive?
No. Not unattractive, but she's not Ashley Montana in the 91 Swimsuit Issue either. And said nasty, as well as stupid, looks do not help. I like her new haircut, but it'd look a lot better if she wasn't making that face, as well as being nuts.
Oh sweet Jeebus, that Bacon Old Fashioned sounds like liquid sex. I want one and I want one NOW.
Also, yes, Dakota is WAY too good for Twilight. I'm not really sure if I'm saying this because she's riding a wave of goodwill for starring in the upcoming Coraline (which I would totally shank Bitchtits in the spleen to see).
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go count the days until She & Him's Volume II.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 23, 2009 1:40 PM
Heather Mills is proof that if you go too far on the crazy spectrum of Barney's Hot/Crazy curve, shit goes really really not hot.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 1:43 PM
I'm not the only one who liked She & Him? She's really amazing in so many ways. I thought it was just my love for her overshadowing my ears.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 23, 2009 1:50 PM
Fisting? Did she really say fisting, or did she mean something else? Does she even know what fisting is? The other person (off camera) was giggling their fool ass off, so they knew what it meant. Fisting? In public? The Obamas? I would have thought she meant kissing, only she said kissing right before fisting, so it's definitely something different.
Posted by: BWeaves at January 23, 2009 1:51 PM
I believe it was the fist bumps that were being alluded to.
BWeaves, pretty sure she meant "fist bump," which Barack and Michelle have been known to do, charmingly so I might add.
Posted by: TK at January 23, 2009 1:59 PM
I have begun to fall ill with a creeping desire to play D&D again. I don't know why, I haven't played for years, probably not since right out of high school. I just want to get a group of my friends together so we can play again, so badly.
I am a broken man. I deserve to be in that movie with those other ubernerds.
Posted by: Snath at January 23, 2009 2:02 PM
I have my own manservant. His name is mr.wsapnin. I have spent the better part of 20 years molding him into the fine specimen of a beaten down man that he is today. Plus he makes great cocktails.
Bacon is the only thing that should be bacon-flavored.
Same with grapes...
Posted by: Skitz at January 23, 2009 2:22 PM
But grapes ARE the only thing that are grape flavored. Right? Or are we talking faux grape? Because that ain't grape. Incidentally, my favorite faux flavor is cherry. In case you were wondering.
Posted by: Lizardqueen at January 23, 2009 2:34 PM
I WANT A BIG FOAM SWORD TO HIT PEOPLE WITH!!!!!!
I know a guy who sells them at Ren Faires. He's also the first among my extended circle of friends to reach his geek goal by buying the local comic shop.
... there's no punchline to any of that. It probably doesn't need it.
Posted by: twig at January 23, 2009 2:41 PM
Bacon is the only thing that should be bacon-flavored. Same with grapes...
Mmmmm ... bacon-flavored grapes ... nom nom nom
Posted by: stipe42 at January 23, 2009 2:45 PM
But grapes ARE the only thing that are grape flavored. Right?
Have you ever heard of the "Grapple?" It's what science made instead of a cure for AIDS. http://www.grapplefruits.com/ Get yourself some apple-shaped, grape-flavored learnin'.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 2:50 PM
I'm not quite what it is that causes me to have this immense hatred for Pete Wentz. Yeah, I know he's annoying and most people think he's a douchebag. But even just looking at a picture of him arouses this great ire in me that makes me want to rip out his hair, break his nose and make him cry those embarassing, open mouthed sobs until I calm down enough to take pictures and make a scrapbook titled "Sing a Song About That You Whiny Bitch." I think that would make me feel better.
Posted by: Erin S at January 23, 2009 2:55 PM
So I ran into this guy I used to know in high school and he says "Guess what? I finally got an amp! For my bass!" Which answers a lot of other questions, like "Are you still smoking a lotta pot? Living in your mom's basement? Doing that house painting thing?"
Sorry, it's my favorite Dr. Katz episode.
But hey, according to "Chronicles of Wormwood" your friend's leading a very good life now.
We called the SFCA people with wooden swords "The Lawn Warriors" as they'd practice their moves on the big lawn in front of the Brumby Hall dorm.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 23, 2009 2:58 PM
Wow, Dakota Fanning is going to retaliate for being raped in a movie by raping the audience with a terrible movie. When will it end?
Posted by: George at January 23, 2009 3:02 PM
However, she's not 13. She'll be 15 next month, which means she's the equivalent of a freshman in high school. She still looks very young, but that's probably appropriate school dance attire for that age.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 23, 2009 3:21 PM
I saw those kids' letters to Barack a few days ago, but I missed the images on the left. Make sure you click on those as well as read the text, as they are different from the ones in the article and very good too.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 23, 2009 3:26 PM
Thanks for the input Re: Heather Mills.
Second question: Anyone know a rich guy with a bad heart?
Snath:I have begun to fall ill with a creeping desire to play D&D again.
Over yuletime I ended up at the mall with my sister and brother-in-law, and we stopped in the local sci-fi shop. I was looking over the gameboards and figures and feeling nostalgic, when we were subjected to 3 grown (some overgrown) men having a prolonged, heated discussion about the reach of a +3 spear that one possessed. And the nostalgia just evaporated.
Posted by: Drake at January 23, 2009 3:49 PM
Listen bitches, Grapples are goddamn delicious. Also, I suspect they would function very well as projectiles aimed at peg-legged golddiggers. Just sayin'.
Oh yeah, and I'm not all vanished and missing anymore.
I'm just not gonna eat something called a Grapple. Plus, red apples and purple grapes (in unfermented state) are the kind of both that I don't like. So it's like two British fingers instead of one American middle.
Also, I thought I was gonna see a blog update just now. Hmm.
Nobody hates red apples more than me, Jay. Grapples taste NOTHING like red apples, and they're not mushy like red appes, either. They're nice and crisp. I love red grapes, though. I love all grapes. I can eat grapes until it hurts. However, I've never paid enough attention to tell you which colour grape a Grapple tastes like, so I guess you might not like it anyway.
And no, I still haven't updated my blog. I haven't really got anything to update about. I could tell you a fascinating story about spackling my bedroom walls and how I'm pretty sure I might have brain damage now from primer fumes... but that's unfathomably boring, isn't it?
I pledge never to take 4 minutes to say something that could be said in 30 seconds. I pledge to edit out redundancy and not meander so far from the point that it is lost. I pledge to use more Bateman and less Moore, Kutcher, Diaz, and Kiedis. And finally, if you know Paris Hilton or are related to Jessica Simpson I pledge that you will never be in a "celebrity" video, regardless of what my producer wants.
Posted by: Matt at January 23, 2009 4:21 PM
Sarina, zounds, alas, my deepest secret is that when I first bit into a Grapple I thought, "What a delicious waste of science!" But someone made fun of how awful they were and I thought I had wonky taste-buds. Thanks for quelling my fear.
I, myself, am a Golden Delicious fan. Granny Smith's are yummy and if I have to eat a red, I prefer the Fuji. Oh apples... I wish to munch on some right now.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 23, 2009 4:29 PM
Vermillion: I knew you'd support me. *sniff* Thanks!
Drake: Well obviously the spear would have the same reach as a normal spear, which if I remember correctly is something like one "space" away or something. Maybe the rules have changed for spears since I last played, or maybe they weren't like that at all to begin with and I'm just still high on vicodin. Well, I am still high on vicodin, but that's besides the point.
Posted by: Snath at January 23, 2009 4:31 PM
Those kids' letters to Obama are hilarious. I particularly liked the one about the hand sanitizer (wow, someone's mom needs to lighten up) and the one that asks him about Area 51.
And I've already weighed in on vodka bacon. It is an abomination.
Posted by: Slash at January 23, 2009 4:39 PM
Also: Is it wrong of me to wish that Obama, just once (but more than once would be awesome, too) during his administration, say something at an official event (like meeting another country's president, or the State of the Union address, etc.) like, "Do me a solid" or "Help a brotha out" or "Fo shizzle" or the like?
Seriously. What's the point of being the first not-completely-white president if you can't bring some flava?
Posted by: Slash at January 23, 2009 4:46 PM
She'll be 15 next month
Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh, mongeese can't count. Feb. '94, and it's a whole new year.
Still and all ... I cannot ever have a daughter. I would seal her up in the panic room for at least 21 years.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 4:49 PM
or "Fo shizzle" or the like?
Problem is, it would sound just like the Tiger Woods parody from "The Chappelle Show," a la Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop, i.e., "We're not falling for a banana in the tailpipe."
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 23, 2009 4:51 PM
Jay, you rule. Red grapes are GROSS and so are red apples. They are too sweet.
I have smelled a Grapple, 'n they don't smell like red grapes OR green grapes. They smell like purple fake-grape. Sarina, that's not goddamn delicious, that's cognitive dissonance you're tasting.
Posted by: AM at January 23, 2009 5:04 PM
But they don't taste like purple fake-grape at all. They taste like actual grapes, but they're crisp like apples.
Something that confuses your taste buds and something that is genuinely disgusting are two very different things.
Well, I've not only been painting and spackling, obviously. Sadly though, that's probably the most interesting of the many things which have lately been eating up my time.
Ok. Holy shit. I thought the link to Grapple would be for some horrible candy that I would look down upon in a superior way. But instead I'm aghast! I'm appalled! I'm worried sick! What the devil is this all about?! Am I supposed to be happy that the apple takes a relaxing bath before it is injected with the secret patented formula? All I can say is, fuck AIDS, let's work on a cure for stupid.
Posted by: Lizardqueen at January 23, 2009 5:45 PM
Re: Miss Fanning.
I still feel guilty jerking off to those shots of Drew Barrymore...
But she was fucking sexy in Firestarter!
Posted by: AlanWoody at January 23, 2009 6:31 PM
"Anyone know a rich guy with a bad heart?"
G(R): I qualify on the second count ... y'know, in case you can't find anyone who fits A and B or just A.
"Golden Delicious"
Are neither.
Getting thirsty for a Woodchuck Granny Smith, tho.
Posted by: bucdaddy at January 24, 2009 12:25 AM
Y'all lay off Dakota. She's being typically 15. Remember when you were a freshman and you tried to reinvent yourself? No more kid stuff, time to be a badass (at least when other people are looking), you tried to be as dark and complicated as your teenaged suburban life would allow? Well, put that sentiment in vampire format and you have Jane. The fact that Jane's role happens to be in 'Twilight' is the equivalent of the secret stash of teddy bears hidden on the top shelf in the closet.
Posted by: Kris at January 24, 2009 6:25 PM
That last letter broke my heart. A nine-year-old asking for housecleaning jobs. Fucking god.
Edwin the UFO Freak and Chandler the Obsessive Compulsive are my favorites.
Posted by: Sara at January 26, 2009 12:52 PM
Video ads popping up after each page view? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Or, you could jut stir your Bloody Mary with a crisp piece of bacon.
Mmmmm.... bacon infused vodka....