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Pajiba Love 01/22/09 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Sex and the City 2: Back From Pasture

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | January 22, 2009 | Comments (40)

Sad news to start out Pajiba Love today. It’s happening again. Another goddamn Sex and the City movie. (WIMB)

Sure, now we all know now that Joaquin Phoenix is crazier’n a shithouse rat, but here’s a look back at the evidence leading up to where he is today. (Screen Junkies)

Mini-diversion: What do you think this guy got busted for? (QuizLaw)

President Obama (it’s still exciting in the way that a newly married woman must feel using her husband’s last name) has signed an executive order to close Guantanamo Bay. DAAAMN! This is some Benjamin Buttons shit! (HuffPo)

George Clooney is coming back for the “ER” finale. Does anyone watch “ER” anymore? Regardless, I am totally holding out hope for a Booker cameo on the inevitable “Roseanne” TV movie. (Celebitchy)

More Oscar discussion than you can shake a tiny golden man at. (Film Experience)

Angelina and Brad are moving to Long Island, and here’s a photo of the quaint little place they picked to stay in while Angelina films that Salt movie. (Evil Beet)

Did you guys know that Abercrombie & Fitch employs male models to stand around shirtless? I had no idea. But anyway, for whatever reason they don’t like it when other guys go shirtless. (omg blog)

Here are the five most “WTF-Worthy” eBay auctions. (mental floss)

Jessica Alba had the opportunity to call Bill O’Reilly an “A-Hole,” practically to his face, and I don’t know about you guys but I think she kinda blew it. She could have at least flashed him a double-bird or something. (The Blemish)

Anything involving the Jonas Brothers is not a great use of resources. (PA Notes)

I was at a birthday party for a toddler once where the grandmother had an edible image of the recently-deceased grandfather printed on the cake and my sister and I called it “Dead Guy Cake” all afternoon. It’s a toss up whether that or “Toilet Cake” is more disturbing. (Cake Wrecks)

The skinny look is not suiting Tom Cruise very well. I’d like to add that it’s not doing much for Katie, either. (cityrag)

If you ever find yourself in threat of a bear hug attack, here’s what to do:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Sex and the City 2: Sea Hags in Heat, the Revenge.

this time, it's venereal...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 22, 2009 1:25 PM

Mini-Div: Assault with disgusting-ass facial hair.

Posted by: Mattfactor at January 22, 2009 1:27 PM

And what if my attacker is a woman? Huh, huh?

Posted by: Cindy at January 22, 2009 1:31 PM

Sex and the City 2: The Bunions Are Forever

Posted by: boo at January 22, 2009 1:34 PM

And what if my attacker is a woman? Huh, huh?

Purple nurple?

Posted by: branded at January 22, 2009 1:43 PM

Another SATC film with a "mad cap adventure?" Oh, God. I'm seeing a road trip, or another country, or some other stupid shit like that.

Seriously, what else can they do at this point? Haven't they dragged out every plot they can think of?
Wait a minute. They didn't do bestiality, did they?

I'll watch Clooney in the finale, but I heard that they're trying to resurrect the show on a different channel, like Scrubs. Please don't. Just pull the fucking cord already.

Posted by: Brie at January 22, 2009 1:43 PM

Sex and the City 2: The Beast with the Yeast.

See: Sarah Jessica Parker gallop her way into your heart as Carrie tries to get pregnant!

See: Kim Catrall look like fifty year old wrinkled leather...AND THAT'S JUST HER FACE! *ba-zing*

See: Kristen Davis look like she could be doing something better with her time...only to realize that she's completely and utterly wrong because nobody like her anyway.

See: Cynthia Nixon make us wish we'd never opened our eyes!

See: Every man become bored in the theater the moment that fucking theme music starts to play, resulting in mass breakups/torching of the theater.

See: JEWWWWS IN SPAAAAACCCEEEE! (sorry, i've always wanted to do that.)

Posted by: Mike R. at January 22, 2009 1:46 PM

Sex & The City II: Dry Pipes

Posted by: Sofía at January 22, 2009 1:46 PM

I thought the bear hug attack was an indie-suburban dad movie for fun. The I see the "put your thumbs in his mouth and rip his face back"

Posted by: Dr. Pleepers at January 22, 2009 1:48 PM

Mini diverg: honestly, he was probably busted for meth or crack, depending on his geographic location. But that's not what you were going for, was it.

Posted by: The_wakeful at January 22, 2009 1:49 PM

They didn't do bestiality, did they?

I won't make a horse joke. I won't make a horse joke. I won't make a horse joke. I won't make a horse joke.

Hey Sara, why the long face?

Dammit!

My ethics said no, but my fingers said yes yes!

Posted by: stipe42 at January 22, 2009 1:52 PM

Sex and the City 2: The Semen Never Dries

Posted by: boo at January 22, 2009 1:53 PM

Those are standard issue child molester glasses, yes?

Posted by: MG at January 22, 2009 2:01 PM

My ethics said no, but my fingers said yes yes!

Finally! I was wondering when someone would explain the motivation behind that Gwyneth Paltrow piece on Webster's yesterday. I guess she must have been thinking about working on Iron Man 2 to keep herself active.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 22, 2009 2:02 PM

Purple nurple?

I don't think it has the same overall effect. Plus, some people might like it.

Posted by: Cindy at January 22, 2009 2:08 PM

SATC 2: Botoxical, The Musical.

Posted by: Cindy at January 22, 2009 2:09 PM

Sex and the City 2: Tales from the Sex Crypt

Learn how to give a man a blow job without losing your dentures! Learn all about the new GUMMING craze!

How to be Sexy in the grave!

*Barf*

Posted by: figgy at January 22, 2009 2:10 PM

House of Wax 2: Sex In The City

Posted by: admin at January 22, 2009 2:10 PM

Sex and the City 2: How Dinosaurs Fuck

Posted by: figgy at January 22, 2009 2:11 PM

Mini-Div:

Definately for impersonating a pedophiliac oompa-loompa.

Posted by: admin at January 22, 2009 2:15 PM

Sex and the City 2: Electric Boogaloo, or How I learned to stop worrying and finding a man who'll deal with your nasally voice while providing you with a walk-in closet to store all your shitty clothes you'll wear while whoring around and cheating on him like a "liberated" bitch, while he makes all of the money and suffers god knows how many heart attacks from the stress at work and that cute secretary he's not banging (but could) to relieve the stress while loving the bomb...you know, I think I'm going to have to go with Figgy on this and vote for the dinosaur one.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 22, 2009 2:17 PM

SATC2: The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse

Take the SATC2:TFHOTA quiz!

1. Carrie
2. Miranda
3. Samantha
4. Charlotte

A. Lies
B. Violence
C. Famine
D. Disease

(Hint: There are no wrong answers!)

(Also: Yes, I had to look up the character names of the other three.)

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 22, 2009 2:29 PM

Sex and the City 2: There Isn't a "Men" in Menopause for Nothing!

Jesus crispy christ, who will join me on a quest to the set of this ill-designed and ill-fated attempt at raping the mind's of American women with a Manolo Blahnik, to wipe out the horde of scrawny, slutty, hormonally unbalanced bitches-in-heat by spraying them with a high-powered water hose and listening to them sizzle and scream, "I'M MELTING!!! I'M MELTING!!!!!!" Please, join me on this most holy venture!!!

As for ugly-ass facial hair, dunno about that...but my bf just told me about some girl he used to see who had one DARK BLACK CHEST HAIR right between her funbags....it finally bugged him so much, right in mid-coitus, he yanked it out with his teeth. She threw him off, and out, and he has never seen her again....

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 22, 2009 2:34 PM

Nobody went for "Sex In The City II: In My Pants ?"

Yeah, too obvious.

I kinda liked the TV show. It was mindless, but the first movie sucked flaming monkey balls.

You do not marry a man with 2 ex-wives who stands you up at your own wedding. I'm sorry, I don't care how much money he has. You just don't. Even if no one else will marry you because you're old and ugly, you just don't.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 22, 2009 2:35 PM

Sex & The City II: Fuck Me Under The MuMu

Posted by: Sofía at January 22, 2009 2:36 PM

I'm going to ignore any and all SATC news (it's worked well for me the past few years) and just go straight to wishing the Jolie-Pitts would sit down and shut up for a month. My ambivalence has been slowly turning to hate over the past year or so.

Also, people? President Obama. Closing Guantanamo. HUGE deal.

Posted by: Nicole at January 22, 2009 2:43 PM

Thanks for the video about protecting yourself from bear hugs. Is this in anticipation of a entirely new level of crazy from Joaquin Phoenix where he shambles around like some zombie bear while rapping about "hhhhhhuuuugggssss" and attempting to embrace everything in his path that isn't quick enough to escape?

Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at January 22, 2009 2:54 PM

The eBay thing reminds me of my favorite Onion article ever:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39045
"Man with Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going on eBay Drunk Again."

Posted by: Lucie at January 22, 2009 3:23 PM

isn't the correct "shout out" for Bill O'Reilly, "FALAFEL"?

in addition, when re-reading the transcripts from the deposition during the harassment suit against dear ol' Bill ... i came across this gem, "If you cross FOX NEWS CHANNEL, it's not just me, it's [FOX President] Roger Ailes who will go after you. I'm the street guy out front making loud noises about the issues, but Ailes operates behind the scenes, strategizes and makes things happen so that one day BAM! The person gets what's coming to them but never sees it coming. Look at Al Franken, one day he's going to get a knock on his door and life as he's known it will change forever. That day will happen, trust me."

let me guess, Bill, is that the knock he's going to get when they come to tell him he's now a Senator for the state of Minnesota???

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at January 22, 2009 3:25 PM

Sex and the Shitty.
Been done before, I know. But so has the movie.

As for the mini-div. I want to say Zippy the Crackhead. Wrong? Too soon?

Posted by: Odnon at January 22, 2009 3:26 PM

SATC II: Colt If It's a Boy, Winnie If It's a Girl

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 22, 2009 3:32 PM

The only reason I've ever been inside an Abercrombie store is to check out the shirtless guys. I'm a sucker for a nice set of abs.

Posted by: Melissa at January 22, 2009 3:53 PM

Golden Girls 2: The Not So Early Years

Talk about some Button/Gump similarities:
Blanche=Samantha
Rose=Charlotte
Dorothy=Carrie
Sophia=Miranda

Posted by: branded at January 22, 2009 4:24 PM

RE: Sex and the City

You know, I really couldn't care less about the title. I'm worried about the fact that when every woman I know [save for the (few) sane ones] starts to get freakishly excited about the movie (and I mean, freakishly like, panting, and hyperventilating, and squealing and shit), I'll be completely unable to feign interest in it. Then they'll look at me with total disgust as I shrug and tell them I don't watch it (except for the three episodes that are on constant loop on TBS, but really, they're all just "whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch, giggle about blow jobs, maybe get laid to the score of an obnoxious voice-over").

Well, not all of them will be disgusted. Some of them will assume it's because I have "The Gay"(tm) and they're, like, totally ok with that.

Why can't I be a hetero-lady and rather watch James Bond? His fashion is better anyway. And he looks waaaaayyyyy better in an outfit created by Barney's. With those sexy watches and hot as hell tailored shirts. Oh excuse me, I have to get freakishly excited about something other than SATC.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 22, 2009 5:44 PM

Oh good Lord, what is with the pop-ups? Please make them stop. They are absofuckinglutely ruining my pajiba surfing. Please, for the love of Godtopus, stop them.

Posted by: JJ McClay at January 23, 2009 4:05 AM

Kayanne, I am a hetero-lady and I would MUCH rather watch Bond or any movie with violence/explosions/shootings/etc. than the typical rom-com or chick flick. In a movie trivia contest I played at a party recently, most of my friends agreed that I am really a GUY.

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 23, 2009 8:44 AM

Sex and the City 2: The Kentucky Derby

Posted by: Pookie at January 23, 2009 10:24 AM

SATC II: Wow, A Lot of Posters Have a Lot Invested in Calling These Actresses Horsy, Old, and Ugly

Posted by: samantha t at January 23, 2009 10:28 AM

Sex and the City Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Posted by: Lucas at January 23, 2009 10:43 AM

"the first movie sucked flaming monkey balls"

Actually, BWeaves, flaming monkey balls are quite delicious. Possum balls, on the other hand, are disgusting (flaming or otherwise).

Posted by: jimbob at January 23, 2009 11:44 AM





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