Pajiba Love 01/18/09

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | January 19, 2009 | Comments (35)

See Joaquin Phoenix. See Joaquin Phoenix try to rap. See Joaquin Phoenix fail miserably. And finally, see Joaquin Phoenix fall. (WIMB)

Emily Mortimer’s father has sadly passed away, who, unbeknownst to many, was a famous British lawyer. (QuizLaw)

I’m often accused of posting links around here that have a *cough* liberal bias, but whatever. Here’s the 50 Most Loathsome People in America, which spreads the hate equal opportunity. Thanks, Replica! (The Beast)

There’s a comment-dirve going on over at Chez’s place. If Bush’s presidency were a movie, what song would play over the closing credits? I’m thinking something by Randy Newman. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Get a sweet deal on a celebrity-owned vehicle through the Hollywood Auto Trader. (Screen Junkies)

Ahaha! It finally happened. One of the strippers on “Rock of Love” made fun of Bret Michael’s hair. Love it. (Jezebel)

Here are the Top 25 “American Idol” contestants. Thankfully, half of these people I only know from watching “The Soup” or what have you. (BuddyTV)

Here are the six least necessary Weird Al parodies. Um, I thought that was “any” Weird Al parody. Oh, zing!! (mental floss)

Holy combined forces of awesome in the universe: LeVar Burton broke out into an impromptu performance of the “Reading Rainbow” theme song in an LA nightclub. This more than makes up for Joaquin rapping. (Popoholic)

Kate Winslet is rocking the bottom boob! I would also accept underboob and bottom-cleavage. (Yeeeah!)

Did you like the sex-having balloon animal commercial from last week? Yes? Well, you probably won’t like this. Not. At all. Thanks to Erica! (Craftastrophe)

I always knew there was some reason I hated Juliette Lewis. That dumb asshole has taken to passing out Scientology recruitment DVDs. (Agent Bedhead)

Observe Eddie Murphy, human excrement, get his swerve on with some random ho in a nightclub. (cityrag)

Here is a fantastic list of the top ten movie death scenes. (NotesOnBarNapkins)

If I would have known that Katy Perry had won any awards for her “music,” I would have demanded that she give them back. And then it happened, even though I knew nothing about it beforehand. I think this means I’m psychic. (Celebitchy)

Now here to Star Wars, as explained by a girl who has never seen Star Wars. Thanks to Jamiepants for the tip!

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn’t seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

I saw that Star Wars video on somebody's facebook, and it ASS! KICKS

Posted by: Sofía at January 19, 2009 2:08 PM

Barack Obama? Sir, your Troll-fu is weak.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 19, 2009 2:16 PM

Oh, and that Idol list is missing someone very important:

SANJAYAAAAAA

*head floats by*

Posted by: Sofía at January 19, 2009 2:19 PM

I no longer wish for a real life unicorn. I no longer dream of brushing its mane and feeding it sugar cubes before riding into the sunset as its iridescent horn glowed rainbows even in the faintest light. Now I know the shocking truth: unicorns are filthy whores with over sized genitalia. There's now a hole in my life not even a unicorn could fill.

Posted by: Robert at January 19, 2009 2:19 PM

Well, Randy Newman's second career of warbling the same song over and over in movies is why I refuse to investigate his earlier work. So why not?

But a better illustration is here

http://www.paulandstorm.com/songs/

http://paulandstorm.bandcamp.mu/

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2009 2:21 PM

That Kate Winslet she walks around like she's all prim and proper. I bet that bitch likes anal, deep anal too. She better not bring her ass to Austin, because if she do, we fuckin'.

Posted by: Pookie at January 19, 2009 2:27 PM

Today is MLK day and I hope we begin to respect our fellow man, we are all in this together so we should be good neighbors and peaceful citizens of the world.

Posted by: Pookie at January 19, 2009 2:34 PM

I can't blame Kate Winslet, if I had those boobs I'd probably wear 'em any way that wouldn't get me arrested. Up to and including Lil Kim style formal pasties.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 19, 2009 2:36 PM

Randy Newman is an amazingly insightful answer. I like to imagine this is what the inside of Bush's head looks like.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Someone probably has to label his shoes like that after that unfortunate incident with the mayor of Africa. He probably has to repeat that line in his head while he walks so he doesn't forget.

In conclusion, Bush is dumb and this is the day to get all the bad jokes out.

Posted by: Sabrina at January 19, 2009 2:36 PM

Yay Multiple Personality Disorder!

Posted by: admin at January 19, 2009 2:37 PM

Great call, Jay. Paul and Storm are fantastic. The shows they do with Jonanthan Coulton are as good as it gets.

Posted by: branded at January 19, 2009 2:40 PM

Ahhh... what's up with Joaquin's hideous face carpet? Yeek. That is terrifying.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Jezebel supposed to be all about feminism? I mean, I don't read it unless I click a link elsewhere, generally, but I feel like that's what they're kind of famous for. Yet they are viewers of Rock of Love? I do not understand.

Re: Kate Winslet... I don't actually consider that bottom boob. I mean, it's more the middle, which is technically cleavage. Bottom boob is when you've got a t-shirt that's cut off right under the nipples, and is frankly incredibly unflattering on anyone (although apparently I'm the only person in the world that thinks that. Seriously, though, it just makes every breast look like a pancake. Also? Not infrequently it looks like a photo of balls squished up against a leg. Gross and not flattering.) Anyway: Kate Winslet > bottom boob.

There are only 5 "Weird Al" parodies on that list, and the "Beverly Hillbillies (Money for Nothing)" is, in fact, completely necessary.

Uniporn.

Awesome list, Jeremy!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 19, 2009 2:40 PM

Unicorn orgies? I am scarred for life. *sobs quietly*

Posted by: Raisin'Cookies at January 19, 2009 2:45 PM

*Jonathan Coulton

Stupid frozen fingers.

P.S. Everyone needs to visit Jeremy's list, just to see his #1.

It's like the guy was human slap chopped! You're going to love his nuts!

Posted by: branded at January 19, 2009 2:46 PM

AvB, I am interested to know where you found such photos.

And what's with the unicorn hate? Unicorns have to get their freak on too.

branded, that was a perfect description. Now somebody needs to do a mashup with the Slap Chop commentary over that death scene.

Posted by: admin at January 19, 2009 2:49 PM

Check TMZ for a little bit of Joaquin's.....rapping.

How about cutaway boob? But that's not what's important here. The important thing is MOTHERFUCKING MENDEEEEEEEEEES!!! Now you even look like one of those Old Balls Svengali husbands and you're not even that old or Latino-Continental yet!

Posted by: Jay at January 19, 2009 2:52 PM

Thanks for linking to our Unicorgy. Bleh. There's lots more craftastrophes in the vault so stay tuned!

Posted by: Karen Sugarpants at January 19, 2009 2:57 PM

Unicorgy

It's the little things that brighten my day.

Posted by: jM at January 19, 2009 3:10 PM

Argh, Sofía... that's NOT the cool Malakar... if you please, allow me to correct...

that Idol list is missing someone very important:

SHYAMALIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!1!!!111!!eleven

Posted by: Rykker at January 19, 2009 3:19 PM

The one with the elf thingie sticking their tongue into the unicooch was simultaneously terrifying and hysterical. It's the look on the unicorn's face..."What is going ON back there in my mystical folds?"

Posted by: Julie at January 19, 2009 3:21 PM

Best comment ever.

Posted by: Snath at January 19, 2009 3:22 PM

Pookie- You're not from Austin, just give it up... The only anal you'll be seeing is from the Cafe 290 deliverance bumkins that you make fun of at lunchtime, the next time they hear you getting all dumo-cratty.

Posted by: Ted at January 19, 2009 3:37 PM

Roll credits over the perfect Randy Newman song - "Old Man", then cut to a sunrise shot over the Mall and crank up "Feelin' Good" as sung by Gilbert Price.

Posted by: funtime42 at January 19, 2009 3:38 PM

Dear Ted,

Fuck You. The End.

Posted by: Pookie at January 19, 2009 3:58 PM

Heh, AvB, uniporn...awesome. I want a film now! I think they've missed the opportunity to illustrate the full meaning of "horny".

That Star Wars video is awesome! Instead of the pre-trilogy-quel (what the fuck do you call them?!), George Lucas should have filmed that using the best effects money can buy. Who doesn't a little gay in their sci-fi?

Posted by: Joker at January 19, 2009 4:20 PM

You know, sometimes I have kinda disturbing thoughts. I'm not going to burden anyone with them, and I don't have any intention of acting on any of them, but when I have those thoughts, sometimes I then think, "Man, maybe there's something really wrong with me, maybe I'm kind of messed up."

Then I see something like that unicorn/elf orgy thing, and I realize how very OK I am. I keep shit in my head, where it belongs. I don't mold it into disturbing little dioramas to haunt the dreams of blameless strangers. I have no problem with unicorns gettin' it on with other unicorns, or maybe even other hooved animals, for variety, but not with elves or whatever the fuck those other things are.

And I agree that the Winslet dress is not underboob. Her boobs look pretty good (if a little uncomfortably battened down), but that's not underboob. If you want to see underboob, I'm sure Pam Anderson has provided a treasure trove of it.

Posted by: Slash at January 19, 2009 4:31 PM

Oh, the top fifty most loathsome list is a delight. It didn't have Spencer and Heidi on it, because it dealt with mostly real people who actually had an effect on the country. Well written and it had pictures too!!!!

Posted by: Rubble44 at January 19, 2009 5:13 PM

Leia looked hot in that gold suit.

Posted by: Lucas at January 19, 2009 5:14 PM

We at Craftastrophe want Slash to send pictures of his dioramas, stat.

Posted by: Karen Sugarpants at January 19, 2009 6:02 PM

Sorry, I have no dioramas. Not yet. I do have a glue gun. If I get the time, maybe I'll cobble together a little somethin' somethin'. I'm thinking of incorporating Paris Hilton, the Jolie-Pitt children and Pookie. And some Gummi Bears. I also have some glitter, somewhere.

Posted by: Slash at January 19, 2009 6:33 PM

Jesus Christ! These fucking guys always with the jokes. Once again another up and coming young comedian trying out his material at my expense.

Posted by: Pookie at January 19, 2009 6:40 PM

Slash, if you really make a craftastrophe, we'll totally feature it. That goes for anyone seriously. We find a lot of freaky crap, but reader submissions could open this thing up big.

I feel a little guilty that we got featured here on MLK day. Only a little though because I'm Canadian.

Happy Obama Day tomorrow. Love thy neighbour.

Posted by: Karen Sugarpants at January 19, 2009 10:39 PM

The LeVar Burton post makes up for the Weird Al slam, but only barely.

I truly feel that if we could at least get Reading Rainbow back on the air, we won't have to worry about whatever crap Disney is shoving into kids' faces. How many other shows basically tells kids "hey, you there! Shut up and read, dammit!"

Funny how you didn't mention his showing up on The Soup last week as well.

Posted by: Vermillion at January 20, 2009 12:15 AM

Enjoy the last day of hope. The kills really picked me up. Watching Paris Hilton's death made me feel like there's justice in the world.

Carlos Mencia was robbed for most loathsome person of the year. I know I always mention how much I hate him, but I'm serious, he needs to go!

Posted by: George at January 20, 2009 2:46 AM

I forgot to mention that too, Vermillion. As good as when Simon Pegg and Jessica Hynes showed up to discuss the "Legally Blonde" auditions finale.

Posted by: Jay at January 20, 2009 7:06 AM

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