A word about Bush’s “Farewell Address” last night. You’ll probably find this piece either horribly offensive or completely brilliant. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
And in what is to be one of the last legacies of the Bush Administration, the Supreme Court just took a steaming shit on your fourth amendment rights earlier this week. You’re welcome! (QuizLaw)
Grossness of the day: The Underpants Gnomes have purportedly been ravaging the Jonas Brothers dressing rooms. Gag me with a dick. (WIMB)
Because I can’t resist: Here’s what retarded shenanigans are currently going on in the “Real World” house. (FourFour)
Balloon Animal Orgies = Best Condom Commercial Ever. (BoingBoing)
Bear Grylls named his newborn son Huckleberry? I would have thought something like “Scorpion Testicle Grylls” would have been more appropriate. (DListed)
Here’s some viral marketing, compliments of one of our advertisers: If you’ve been following along, apparently Caseman is dead. Damnit. And Armacham may be behind it. See for yourself. (Armacham)
I know, I know. Two Paris Hilton links in two days. But I had to post this because it may be the most inspired and poignant thing I’ve ever heard the guy from Drunken Stepfather say. Site NSFW. (DrunkenStepfather)
Here is some tragic news, apparently the Laserdisc is officially dead. Anyone under the age of 20 might want to go ask your parents what a Laserdisc is. (ScreenJunkies)
Now that Mickey Rourke is a major player in Hollywood, he’s pulling in some A-List tail. And I wish I could think of an STD euphemism for “A-List.” (Celebslam)
I have to link this only because I know you guys are going to hate the motherloving shit out of it. The top “Butterbodies” according to Spike. Golly gee willikers, they coined a new word! Good for them! (Spike)
Although, this may actually be more offensive. Movie marketers want to “tug at our ovaries.” Don’t even think about touching my fucking ovaries. (Jezebel)
Today in New Cola News, check out Jones’ Orange You Glad (For Change) Cola (Pop Candy) and a new cola from Red Bull which has less caffeine than regular Red Bull and therefore makes it pointless. (TIB)
If there’s one thing I’ve gathered about this season of “American Idol,” it’s that it’s all about sluts this year. (cityrag)
And aside from looking like a broke-ass hoe, here are 20 other ways of securing yourself audition in front of Simon, Paula, Randy and the other one. (BestWeekEver)
From the TruTV series “The Principal’s Office,” here is a hilarious clip featuring possibly the most pussified high school principal ever. Thanks to Serena!
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
I'd rather forget that "Yale" legacy was ever in charge of the U.S. of A.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 16, 2009 12:17 PM
I've got a word about stupid ex-presidents and their stupid farewell addresses.
Like you weren't shitty enough for the last 8 damn years, the last thing you're going to do while in office is pre-empt my goddamn show, you filthy bastard? I have waited for a new episode of Bones for like a month. It looked like a hilarious one, too. Any pity for how people talk about you completely dried up with that, doucheneck.
Farewell, indeed. More like good riddance.
Sincerely, me.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 16, 2009 12:18 PM
Salma Hayek? A BUTTERBODY?! Any one of those jackholes who made that list would be clambering to get a piece of her.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 12:21 PM
In other news, really Spike? So, I guess by "hot and fit" you mean "emaciated and sickly", then?
God I'm bitter today. And getting bitterer by the moment.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 16, 2009 12:26 PM
Completely brilliant.
..."if the police accidentally violate"...
Something tells me there is going to be a huge upturn in accidental violations.
OK, how did those little balloon animals make sex cute?
Posted by: Cindy at January 16, 2009 12:29 PM
Any one of those jackholes who made that list would be clambering to get a piece of her.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 12:21 PM
-----------------------------------------------
*fantasizes about Julie and Salma lesbianing*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 16, 2009 12:31 PM
Gag me with a dick.
Well, since you offered, okay.
Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:31 PM
Oh and dickhead/great actor that he is, Mickey isn't doing anything the rest of the world wouldn't do in his moment - grabbing all the ass he can while he can.
Posted by: Cindy at January 16, 2009 12:33 PM
Phase 1: Collect the Jonas Brothers' Underpants.
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit
Also, fuck Bush for getting in between AVB and some tasty, tasty David Boreanaz.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 16, 2009 12:34 PM
Okay Spike, that is probably the MOST OFFENSIVE piece of trash I've ever seen you produce. I can't even believe that those words were even written.
Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:35 PM
I'm not even looking at that Spike list with my poor little pear shaped self. Most men I know like their ladies with at least a modicum of flesh on them (and I mean "flesh" not "plastic and saline") and so I'm just gonna hold onto that as my happy thought.
At least until Inauguration day, when I'm considering raiding the three bottles of champagne that didn't get drunk at my parent's New Years Eve party.
Holy shit, that AI girl is from my hometown. Like, where I'm living right now. I went to the same schools, I know their family. That is too awesome to comprehend.
Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:37 PM
Genny, we've seen the spandex guard uniform pictures, you are decidedly NOT pear-shaped.
Posted by: Snath at January 16, 2009 12:38 PM
I recommend everyone go and read the Deus Ex Malcontent link. It's fucking brilliant.
Posted by: Jade at January 16, 2009 12:40 PM
I don't know who wrote that butterbody crap but I'm guessing he's a closeted pederast. Who else wants all women to have bodies like little boys?
I wouldn't wipe my ass with his face if I had the runs. Seriously, what a powertool!
How lucky are the people on the US Air flight that Bush was busy rehearsing hs speech and didn't have time to coordinate the rescue response? I can only imagine what might have happened if he had been just doodling in the Oval Office at the time and decided to make it a Homeland Security responsibility.
Posted by: PaddyDog at January 16, 2009 12:42 PM
Jade:
There was a time on this site when everyone would have linked to DEM to read some cutting political commentary, but those days seem to be gone forever.
Posted by: PaddyDog at January 16, 2009 12:44 PM
Snath, but Cosmo told me so! Wait, that's a lie, I don't read Cosmo. My friend that reads Cosmo told me so! It must be true!
PaddyDog, I think I'm kind of burned out on political commentary since the election. The more I hear, the more I just tend to get impotently angry at how badly this country has been run for the last 8 years and how much Obama really has to do. I don't want to think about that anymore, I just want to think about the change that will be coming in the next term.
I would totally order one of those costumes. Except for how I'm *actually* pear-shaped and it wouldn't work out. That is hot.
P.S. Drew effing Barrymore is on that list. Seriously? It has to be some kind of sick joke: Drew Barrymore's weight fluctuates like a yo-yo. The star [...] can look super hot or super plump and blubbery. Drew blames her vegetarianism for her fluctuations in weight. She says she basically lives on carbs and eats whatever she wants. As a bonafide star, Drew cannot do this. Otherwise every hot woman in Hollywood will adopt a similar mentality and the world will be void of super thin, super hot women..
Really? Really?! I don't think I've ever seen her "super plump and blubbery". Unless we're now counting the time she was mildly plump 6-year-old in E.T.. Holy crap I hate Spike.
P.S. Thanks for the sympathy, Jeremy dear. That ad kept running and running all week! They were joining the circus, for god's sake! Body (-ies?) of conjoined twins in a shallow grave! Come on!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 16, 2009 12:50 PM
Seriously Slim. I have no interest in vagina, but Hayek and Sara Ramirez are two insanely hot ladies that I wouldn't mind fondling for a while.
Fucking Spike.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 12:50 PM
Great.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with a carhole fulla Laserdisc now, huh? I've ruined relationships with friends, with family, with my Right-Wing extremists pals, everybody. And why? Defending my treasure trove of goddam Laserdiscs...
Look, many Pioneer VP-1000, LD-1100, LD-660 and PR-8210s are still in good working order, you just gotta know how to tap the sweet spot. Granted, the lower wavelength lasers that create spotting on the disc are total bullshit, but by fucking with the laser tube, you generate less photon-shot noise than the solid-state diode laser.
I remember when I emptied my grandparents savings account to buy my first batch of vintage Laserdiscs... God, the shining shine of a technology the world had since forgotten was breathtaking... After quitting my job and diving headfirst into the Laserdisc scavenger hunt, I've become THE VOICE for Laserdisc enthusiasts, and now you're telling me the Laserdisc is "officially dead"? Well, you can cram it in your cramhole, Miss Nosek... My copy of Heavy Metal disagrees...
Posted by: Skitz at January 16, 2009 12:58 PM
I'm sorry but a woman has to have some shape. I need some hips to hold onto.
Back in my young un' days, I was dating this skinny girl, and as I was tappin' the hell out of that ass and my hands slipped off of her "hips".
It was extremely embarrassing to explain to my parents why there was two large holes in the wall that just happened to perfectly outline the shape of the back of my head and my ass.
Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 12:59 PM
I love admin more with each passing day.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 1:01 PM
seconded
Posted by: Pants at January 16, 2009 1:03 PM
Can we please use the word pussy instead of vagina, because the word vagina just doesn't have the same energy as the word pussy? Thank you.
Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 1:05 PM
Sorry Pookie. I am rather fond of the word pussy.
:channels Serial Mom:
Pussywillow.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 1:07 PM
Carhold, Skitz.
As for Spike, motherfucker please. I would stab every single one of those writers in the heart in front of an FBI building for the opportunity to brush up against Salma's ass. For realz, yo.
I have no interest whatsoever in skinny. Nothing against it, mind you, especially if you come by it naturally. But it's really not my thing.
First, I'm going to second and third all the comments about the guys who came up with the butterbodies bullshit. If those are butterbodies, damn, I must be Jabba the Hut.*
And I couldn't watch all of that principal/kids clip. Let's just say as someone in that field that it makes me very angry when I see adults wimp out with kids instead of being the ones in charge. The end.
*I'm not.
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 16, 2009 1:15 PM
Nice fur sweater and neck fat, buddy. When WAS the last time anyone but your left hand saw your penis, anyway?
Posted by: Tammy at January 16, 2009 1:16 PM
Ref. the pussy/vagina dichotomy:
How about "quim?" It's a quaint and neat sounding word, and I've been known to use it often in casual conversations.
Posted by: The Wanderer at January 16, 2009 1:22 PM
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If there's one thing I learned from the neighborhood I grew up in, it's that the proper, genteel term for a woman's lady parts is "smash."
Oh, Spike Writer Guy. The STD I hope you catch hasn't even been invented by the CIA yet. But I hope it melts your face off.
Tammy: you are my love. Hee!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 16, 2009 1:29 PM
I always thought "coochie" sounded exotic.
Posted by: Cindy at January 16, 2009 1:30 PM
My hands are pretty small though, which is why large breasts are pretty much wasted on me! Hey, learn things the hard way and you learn what's best appreciated at a distance. That said, I've read comments on celebrity pictures exclaiming what an amazing ass is on display, when I can't see one. Like the Unborn girl I guess. "Okay, you've got a couple billiard balls in your pants, knock yourself out, but I ain't your audience".
Is it just me, though, who really likes Salma in the nursing scrubs with her hair up?
And I do think that that article is not quite serious.
I love gory horror films.
I hate rom-coms.
I find Renee McScrunchyface super annoying.
I enjoy action films where things explode and despise pointlessly weepy formulaic tug-at-your-heartstrings drivel.
All this time I thought I was a girl (checks pants)!??!
Posted by: peachfish at January 16, 2009 1:35 PM
As if Salma is a butterbody!!! I would go lesbo SO fast for Salma, daaaaaaaaaaaaymn, woman is fine!!!!!
as for that clip....i think I love Brandon and Logan the Highschoolers and want to adopt them.
Admittedly if they'd been at my school with me its likely that back then i'd have hated them. But watching that clip now, i love them. Love Them.
Posted by: nadine at January 16, 2009 1:35 PM
If those are butterbodies, damn, I must be Jabba the Hut.* *I'm not.
Great, I bought a golden bikini for nothing.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 16, 2009 1:36 PM
I like "quim", it's kinda cute... Not as intimidating as vagina. Not as played out as "pussy".
And I know a guy who loves LaserDisc. He's got all the ORIGINAL Star Wars on them. And he's just barely 21. So Suck on that, Stacy. (I say this with love.)
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 16, 2009 1:36 PM
Smash? I have never heard of that. Huh.
Posted by: Julie at January 16, 2009 1:37 PM
I would venture so far as to say it was done "ironical-like".
I especially loved one of the commentors who said he'd print the article out and show it to his gf so she'd start working out (or something).
When I looked over to his photo, I just about laughed my size 12 ass off - like that guy has a gf! AHAHAHAA. Blow ups don't count, no matter was Lars says.
Posted by: Stella at January 16, 2009 1:38 PM
*what, not 'was'
Posted by: Stella at January 16, 2009 1:41 PM
I like "quim", it's kinda cute... Not as intimidating as vagina. Not as played out as "pussy".
And I know a guy who loves LaserDisc.
When I first read this, I said, "That's weird. Why would you call it "LaserDisc"?"
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 16, 2009 1:41 PM
I just told my 19 year old brother about the Spike list and the statement that Salma Hayek has a beer gut and he said "Where?!? Under those glorious breasts?"
Obviously my brother has his priorities straight. Unlike Mr.Spike Guy.
It will be a very sad sad day when the word "quim" overtakes the word "pussy." You can laugh all you want to, but the word pussy is uniquely Americana.
Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 1:48 PM
Wow...that Spike list is screwed up. Speaking from personal preference, I'd only stay away from America Ferrara (because she's Ugly Betty...no matter what she wears and if she has the make up on or not, I'll always see that and it'll cause me to retreat into the safety of solitude.) and Tyra Banks (because she's the poor man's Oprah and she's bat shit insane).
The list should really be called either one of two things: "The List of Women So Awesome and Scary We Couldn't or Wouldn't Bang Them" or "The REAL Reason Why We Lost the James Bond-athon".
Wow...that Spike list is screwed up. As I've always told people, I enjoy a woman that looks human, I'm not interested in stick figures. Speaking from personal preference, I'd only stay away from America Ferrara (because she's Ugly Betty...no matter what she wears and if she has the make up on or not, I'll always see that and it'll cause me to retreat into the safety of solitude.) and Tyra Banks (because she's the poor man's Oprah and she's bat shit insane).
The list should really be called either one of two things: "The List of Women So Awesome and Scary We Couldn't or Wouldn't Bang Them" or "The REAL Reason Why We Lost the James Bond-athon".
It will be a very sad sad day when the word "quim" overtakes the word "pussy." You can laugh all you want to, but the word pussy is uniquely Americana.
Pookie, I agree! It's right up there with saddle shoes, jukeboxes, zenophobic paranoia, and reality television!
People, we're missing the true fight here against Spike. Sure, the post was absolutely disgusting (what the heck is wrong with Sara Ramirez?), but we're ignoring this little nugget right here:
Ferrera could easily wear a body suit and actually act.
This fucker condones fat suit comedies. Like Norbit. Forget calling Mandy Moore "chunky, pudgy, and out of shape," this fucker condones Eddie Murphy's crimes against the cinema.
I teach high school, and I respect a principal with a sense of humor who knows how to pick his battles.
That clip, however, is embarrassing. I'm sure he's used to the antics of those two adolescent D-bags, but doesn't he realize that they're basically mocking him on camera? Is he just too much of a poon to call their hand? Does he desperately want his students to see him as "cool"? Or is he possibly balls-deep in excitement that he's on television and allowing them to show off to make his segment more entertaining?
I need a principal with a backbone, not a feel-good kind of guy who buddies up to the students. You can be kind and fair without compromising your credibility and authority. Good schools start with good leadership.
A friend of mine used to say, "You know that saying, 'Those who can't do, teach'? Well, I think those who can't teach become administrators."
May be some truth in that.
Posted by: superEdna at January 16, 2009 2:21 PM
That condom ad is fucking hilarious.
As far as the Butterbodies are concerned, those are some beautiful women with real bodies. Some of those women have had babies. I'd like to see the Spike guy carry a football in his large intestine for 9 months and then shit it out slowly over the course of 24 hours and then have a photo taken in a Speedo.
Posted by: BWeaves at January 16, 2009 2:25 PM
Of course you mean school administrators.
Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 2:26 PM
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If there's one thing I learned from the neighborhood I grew up in, it's that the proper, genteel term for a woman's lady parts is "smash."
This changes everything I thought I knew about Friday Night Lights.
Posted by: foursweatervests at January 16, 2009 2:27 PM
Speaking of teachers SuperEdna, I once went balls deep in one of my teachers. It was doing the summer and her school had to cut back on staff and she needed the money.
Posted by: Pookie at January 16, 2009 2:29 PM
Of course, Admin. I'm sorry for not making that distinction.
Posted by: superEdna at January 16, 2009 2:42 PM
Hey Julie! Way down here!
Isn't this 4215 Pussy Way?
I've never heard "quim" before...kinda like it.
Posted by: jamiepants at January 16, 2009 3:02 PM
I think Bear Grylls should name his next little pooper "Check Out My." Or "I Didn't Invite You To My Barbeque So Why You All Up In My." The latter would be perfect for a girl, because her nickname could be Barbie!
Posted by: Sabrina at January 16, 2009 3:06 PM
Smell ya later forever, Bush.
Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at January 16, 2009 3:26 PM
And in what is to be one of the last legacies of the Bush Administration, the Supreme Court just took a steaming shit on your fourth amendment rights earlier this week. You're welcome!
Bullshit. The referenced case does not eviscerated the fourth amendment. It sets forth a sensible standard to protect fourth amendment rights in instances where evidence is obtained as the result of police mistakes.
Posted by: sosumi at January 16, 2009 4:01 PM
Ref. the pussy/vagina dichotomy:
How about "quim?" It's a quaint and neat sounding word, and I've been known to use it often in casual conversations.
can't forget:
ho (pronounced who) as in ho-hah or ho-ho
cooter
vagooter
though i consider these appellations only for casual conversations, the list of vaginomenclature approved for intimate situations is much, much smaller
i'd be rather non-plussed if a woman told me to "f*ck my quim" and she wasn't from a commonwealth country (that carries for using twat there as well)
and i'm not sure what i'd make of it if a woman instructed me to "pound my smash"
Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at January 16, 2009 4:04 PM
"i'm not sure what i'd make of it if a woman instructed me to "pound my smash""
Woman like that'll do anything. Shit you never heard of.
Oh lord, how delicious that the author of that odious article is, in fact, quite aesthetically challenged. Makes me feel all warm inside.
Posted by: serena at January 16, 2009 4:37 PM
Mickey Rourke makes a comeback and scores with 'A' list tail? And that 'A' list tail is Bai Ling?
Yeah ok, uh maybe if I'm up to date with my hep shots and I've got the restraining order ready to sign. Otherwise I'd rather stick my wiener in a vat of battery acid.
Posted by: bucslim at January 16, 2009 5:15 PM
I did that once.
The battery acid I mean.
Not Bai Ling.
Eeeeeeww.
Posted by: admina at January 16, 2009 5:22 PM
Shit you don't even want to do.
She'll do my taxes? Dirty dirty girl.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 16, 2009 5:23 PM
Fine, fine, I will eat my hat (though not the Ned Zissou cap I currently have on) if the Butterbodies countdown turns out to not be a joke.
Woman like that'll do anything. Shit you never heard of.
Well, that Spike list is just a load of stupid bullshit. On their WORST day any of those women are hotter than anything that asshole writer is ever going to get.
Curves, hips, asses, boobs - hell yes. Just don't be a slob, is all I ask.
Posted by: Meander at January 16, 2009 7:06 PM
One last thing:
I am really looking forward to the George W. Bush Presidential Libary.
Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 7:42 PM
Leaving aside the M-word angle on that Spike thing, I'm appreciative that they're so fucking dumb they would leave those gals to me to take care of. If I may quote the boys over at KSK, as to just about any of the women on that list, I'd bang them like a screen door in a hurricane.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 16, 2009 7:53 PM
I am really looking forward to the George W. Bush Presidential Libary.
Dear godtopus, I hope you meant to spell library that way, because that is perfect. "Mama, Ah'm'a go dohwn ta tha libary! Whut? Naw, not fer no goddam books! They got tha DVD o' ol' Larry the Cable Guy."
I think his presidential libary should be a port-a-john with a few well-thumbed copies of "Grit."
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 16, 2009 7:58 PM
jeremy f.-
you beat me to it, damn you!
the underpants gnomes are probably my favorite southpark inhabitants EVER!
and i've always liked the monty python generic "naughty bits".
perfect for any conversation.
Posted by: bionic bunny at January 16, 2009 10:03 PM
It's not that I wouldn't touch Drew Barymore for her body, I wouldn't touch her because she agreed to do Beverly Hills Chiuaua. Thanks a lot Spike, I'm going to go buy a scalpel and castrate every one of you to prevernt your retard seed from spreading.
(Except James Rolfe, he's awesome.)
Posted by: George at January 16, 2009 10:18 PM
Spike is the Maxim of T.V., except at least Maxim gives its audience the credit that it's capable of reading.
Posted by: George at January 16, 2009 10:20 PM
Ooh, bionic bunny, I love naughty bits! (the phrase, I mean...though the bits are fun as well)
Oh Jay, I do hope you're right and this guy isn't seriously calling Mandy Moore et al. fat. That makes baby Jeebus cry...and makes meaux kind of bummed too.
The article couldn't have been a joke, because jokes are funny.
But this dude is far from alone in the wilderness with this attitude, and as far as 'just' joking goes... Henry Louis Gates had some words about that.
I've got a figure very similar to Hayek's (though I don't feel her pathological need to display it at all times). I'm freaky short though, so it probably makes me look a bit like a sack of potatoes. At any rate, I managed to pick up some pretty gross nicknames in high school/undergraduate degree.
Now, perhaps I have the personality of a jilted scorpion, but that's not what I've heard (has-been actress notwithstanding). But I am almost 25 have been on a total of one date. But if someone did my homework, I'd marry him on the spot. Learnin's hard, yo.
Just saying.
Oooh, can I work on my thesis some more?
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at January 16, 2009 10:27 PM
rikki, we may be a little bit country up here, but we still know how to spell library.
Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 11:47 PM
"I've got a figure very similar to Hayek's (though I don't feel her pathological need to display it at all times). I'm freaky short though, so it probably makes me look a bit like a sack of potatoes."
My boner thanks you for that image. Now I'm going home to wake up Mrs. Daddy ...
Posted by: bucdaddy at January 17, 2009 12:11 AM
What the fuck, Spike. Seriously, what the fuck? I like slender ladies as much as the next man, but there's nothing wrong at all with a woman who's got some curve.
When I saw the word "butterbody" I thought of a woman with a very pretty face (seriously, I think she could have been a model) at my job who seemed to only lose pregnancy weight above chest and above the thighs and so was kind of shaped like a pair of cones glued to each other's bases. I did not think Salma fucking Hayek.
Posted by: Shadowen at January 18, 2009 5:53 PM
Someone posted that Spike authors photo in the comments and writing him up in the way he wrote up those "Butterbodies" was probably one of the most satisfying things I've ever done. What a tool.
Posted by: Ali at January 18, 2009 7:06 PM
What about that video? Tell me is a joke...I can't believe a principal like that could ever exist.
Posted by: james3 at January 18, 2009 8:46 PM
If women only knew it has way less to do with what they look like and way more to do with what lovin' acts they're willing to try/perform, it would be a far more sane and rational world.
For instance, I think most guys would be very happy with Sea Hag if she'd be cool with having a threesome with Alice the Goon once a week. Guy can always close his eyes; can't always find a cool chick like Sea.
I'd rather forget that "Yale" legacy was ever in charge of the U.S. of A.