Pajiba Love 01/15/10

Betty is Back, Bitches

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (48)

Today in “Betty White is the Tits” news, Betty White is starring in a yet-to-be-picked-up (but surely will be) pilot for TV land in which she’ll be playing the “Sophia character.” Because let’s face it, she’s earned the Sophia character, dammit. (AV Club)

If you haven’t donated to send aide to Haiti yet, Olivia Wilde will mind control you with her insane, inhuman beauty into supporting the cause. (Screen Junkies)

I know I’ve mentioned her once or twice before in this column, but Miley Cyrus’ younger sister is going to be a goddamn mess in a couple of years. (Litelysalted)

Some investigative news report in Ireland took footage of people falling on an icy sidewalk instead of, say, warning them about it. Hilarity naturally ensues. (Warming Glow)

I wish I could say this is the creepiest thing a Twilight fan has ever done, but sadly it probably doesn’t even break the top twenty. (Cinematical)

Aww, as a huge Monkees fan, this makes me sad. I’ve heard stories of Davy Jones being wasted and unruly onstage before, and it appears he’s still up to his same old tricks. (Agent Bedhead)

Look, I understand that Hawaiians really love their Spam for some inexplicable reason, but why — why — would you take something as beautiful as a Macadamia nut and cover it in SPAM flavoring, for the love of everything holy? (Impulsive Buy)

I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who gets the shit annoyed out of me by Gwyneth Paltrow — apparently she can barely stand herself either. (Yeeeah!)

Here are five useless characters in otherwise “great” (adjective not counting Titanic) films. (Unreality)

Sorry, I know most of you guys don’t care about Heidi Montag, but she just came out of hiding after getting a whopping ten cosmetic operations done, and she’s starting to look like the small white lady version of Michael Jackson. Or you know, “Michael Jackson.” (Celebitchy)

Some 67-year-old old from Britain spent around $16,000 on plastic surgery to look like her idol, Jessica Rabbit. Needless to say, she does not. (DListed)

Remember the YouTube clip with that stoned kid who’s dad taped him on the way back the dentist? Well here is 2010’s version of that kid. Thanks, Geetch!

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

"I know I’ve mentioned her once or twice before in this column, but Miley Cyrus’ younger sister is going to be a goddamn mess in a couple of years."

--------------------------------

You mean other than the fact that her mind's probably slowly warping thanks to the fact that she knows she'll never be as famous as her sister, but she has to try anyway? Being a sibling of Miley Cyrus has got to have a lot of psychological trauma to go with it.

Posted by: Oracle at January 15, 2010 1:09 PM

You know what? That is some fucking great parenting right there. Does your kid emulate Britney Spears? Does he/she copy all of her whorish dance moves in an attempt to fulfill some sick fantasy? Does your little chicken portion want to grow up to be a truck stop hooker? Then do what these parents did. That kid will forever cry and wet himself whenever a Britney Spears song comes on and those parents have just saved their child from a life of humiliation.

Also, I'd totally do Betty White. Even Mestrualingus.

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2010 1:13 PM

"...and cover it in SPAM flavoring...

Honest to shit, I could be at the SPAM museum in less that three hours from now. Yes. There's a museum. Not some shitty, low-budget tourist trap either. No, this is a full-fledged museum. A bona-fide museum-museum, with a gift shop and everything. There's a set of double doors near the back of the facility where, between commercial jingles from past decades, you can hear screaming and the shriek of power tools, but after five minutes you become oblivious to it...

Posted by: Skitz at January 15, 2010 1:19 PM

67-year-old old Brit spent $16,000 on plastic surgery to look like Jessica Rabbit.

EGADS!

Eye Bleach!

Brain Bleach!

SOUL BLEACH!

STAT!!!!

Aw fuck it, just gimmie a wad of steel wool man- before it's to late!

Posted by: bleujayone at January 15, 2010 1:23 PM

Man, Kathy Bates was robbed for her worthless role in Titanic on that list. "Look at me! I'm Molly Brown, and I'm unsinkable. Get it? Huh? Huh?" Oww...stop elbowing me, James Cameron, I get it. There's a musical called The Unsinkable Molly Brown based off of a Titanic survivor and you just had to go for the obvious punchline.

Posted by: Robert at January 15, 2010 1:23 PM

That Twilight embryo thing? That creeped my shit right the fuck out.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at January 15, 2010 1:23 PM

I didn't know little boys did that whole "pretending to be the singer or at least in the video dancing around and singing in their bedroom" thing, too.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at January 15, 2010 1:28 PM

Also, I'd totally do Betty White. Even Mestrualingus.

First of all, BARFOMGWHYSICK!!

Secondly, menopause dude. No blood, only dust. And the bones of her victims.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 1:30 PM

HAAAAAHAHAHAHHA! OMG that kid just fell right over. That was fucking hilarious, holy shit. I literally cannot stop laughing right now.

Wait, I know! I'll just go back and have a look at Heidi Montag again. That'll sober me up right quick. Jesus H. Jumping Christ on a unicycle, those boobs. Each one of those boobs is bigger than my head. Who in the hell needs boobs that big?!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at January 15, 2010 1:30 PM

Re the B Spears fan kid:
Did he flat out *faint* at the end there?!
AWESOME
And his mom's just cackling away in the background ...

Posted by: Mo MoMo at January 15, 2010 1:31 PM

Snuggie, my nephew re-enacts entire episodes of Blues Clues, including singing and dancing. I'm sure he'll get up to Britney's catalog (he's only 3, give him time).

(He even does the closeups.... walks right up to the teevee, then backs away when the episode goes back to a long shot. Whether it's actually ON the teevee at the time or not, BTW.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at January 15, 2010 1:34 PM

Maggie Gyllenhaal is "an average or below average looking woman" just like unreality is "well written and not for complete fucktards."

Posted by: jon29 at January 15, 2010 1:34 PM

By the way, I am so out of the loop that I just saw this "David After the Dentist" vid about two weeks ago, and it still makes me laugh until I pee. Of course, I am simultaneously full of sadness and concern; that kid's parents are seriously fucked.

I can't see the vid here; is it literally the same kid?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 1:35 PM

Secondly, menopause dude. No blood, only dust. And the bones of her victims.

Bullshit. Science has proven that Betty White is the most fertile woman in the history of man kind. In fact, she's so fertile, that even thinking of traveling down that gloriously cracked and buckled pink highway causes other people to get pregnant. See, I just got somebody knocked up and all I had to think about was...

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2010 1:36 PM

DAMNIT admin, now I can't get drunk tonight!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 1:39 PM

You don't think that woman's plastic surgeon tried to stop her? I mean, the physics of suspending those boobs on that frame is just impossible, right? Plus... y'know, she's cartoon.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 15, 2010 1:42 PM

Hatin on Fabienne?!?!

Oh well, it's the same dipshit who didn't know the Twilight Zone episode.

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2010 1:45 PM

OMG! I didn't think anyone could look that fake but Heidi has outdone even herself.

And that kid is the next Neil Patrick Harris. Take it as a compliment, kid. As a straight woman, that's one man I wish would change teams.

Posted by: dfizzle at January 15, 2010 1:59 PM

Anyone else completely saddened by that Heidi Montag thing? I mean: Dear God, woman.

Posted by: whatBENwatches at January 15, 2010 2:03 PM

Betty White is the SHIT. And she is one dirty old lady too, so I love her. Ever heard her and Rickles banter. AWESOME. You know, she was originally intended for the role of Blanche on Golden Girls, but she chose Rose instead. I think it was a good call.

WHAT is stuck to Gwenny's lip in that pic BTW? Sparkly shit? Am I wrong? If so, way to cheapen up about $80K worth of diamonds with a douchey crystal on your mouth, Bitch.
If not, way to cheapen up about $80K worth of diamonds by wearing them around your douchey holier-than-thou neck, Bitch.

Huh, I seem to hate Gwenneth Paltrow.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 15, 2010 2:09 PM

Sure you can Paddy. Just be sure not to think of Betty getting plowed by a heard of wildebeests, a clown-car's worth of midgets and various other sundry side-show freaks.

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2010 2:11 PM

Is it just me or does Heidi now resemble Teri Hatcher? Just throw a brown wig on her and they'd be twins. Creepy.

Posted by: Scully at January 15, 2010 2:17 PM

I will watch the shit out of that new Betty White show.
And LindsEy, when I was in college I often played a game called fuckable/unfuckable and while explaining the (very simple) rules, I always used Gwyneth Paltrow as an example:

"Unfuckable, because she looks like she smells like pee."
To which someone would inevitably reply:
"Unfuckable, she looks like she smells like mayonnaise."

Posted by: welldressed at January 15, 2010 2:22 PM

Wow, you can get me accidentally pregnant with the aid of a clown-car's worth of midgets, but you can't even read my name right?

~~Men~~ ~~Boys~~ Assholes...

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 2:24 PM

RE: 67 year old granny who got plastic surgery to look like Jessica Rabbit.

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn and quartered that way."

In related news, when comparing the Granny Rabbit and Heidi Montag photos, I had to look at the hair color to tell the difference between them.

Posted by: BWeaves at January 15, 2010 2:28 PM

Fuck. My apologies, the bearded lady was getting a bit overexcited. Damned whisker burn.

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2010 2:29 PM

I take pride and joy in scaring the shit out of my kids every chance I get. If only I could get it on film.

Posted by: wsapnin at January 15, 2010 2:34 PM

Patty, he's a man. He was finished with you, he doesn't need to know your name. Be grateful he didn't finish with a slap on the ass and a 'So long sugartits!'

Welldressed: I say she is unfuckable because she looks like she would be a cadaverous lazy lay. And what is with the 'oh so proper' thing? Can you even imagine this little pearl clutcher screaming 'HARDER, FASTER, Knock the bottom out of it!!"
I say no. Heavens, she might muss her hair.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 15, 2010 2:39 PM

I wish I could be there to see Heidi cry the first time she goes out in public and realizes no one, not even the paps, recognizes her anymore and no one pays attention to the new her.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at January 15, 2010 2:42 PM

Sugartits? Aw, you remembered. I always knew that deep-down beneath your stabby exterior you were a prince all along, ~~Edward~~ admin.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 2:42 PM

Sorry admin, I didn't see your response. You know I love you right? :-}

Heidi looked better before the surgery(s). Something ain't right there.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 15, 2010 2:52 PM

Wait a minute. I thought Admin *was* Mr Sugartits? Wasn't that him
all tarted up for Paheeba Day?
There is a PaddyDog here, so maybe ya'll mixed each other up.
Pat-ta-to / Padd-ta-to.... Something like that. ;-)

Posted by: Ms MoMo at January 15, 2010 2:58 PM

There is a PaddyDog here, so maybe ya'll mixed each other up.

Must have been at that Eyes Wide Shut themed party. The masks must have thrown everyone off. Although, I would think PaddyDog's wang-dangle would have been a clue, what with my bits being tucked away exclusively for private showings and menstrual purposes.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 15, 2010 3:06 PM

Ms MoMo, you're thinking of sparkletits, not sugartits.

Also I looked at that Heidi Montag link. And I am still moderately convinced that they are fucking with me and those before pictures of the cute little tan girl are a different character on that show. Having never seen the show though, I can't confirm.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at January 15, 2010 4:31 PM

I actually can't tell the difference between Old Heidi and New Heidi. What that says about me, I don't know.

Posted by: ziggy at January 15, 2010 5:19 PM

Emmm, PaddyDog has HER bits tucked away too (AFAIK).

Posted by: frank (aka frank_247 aka the lone Scotsman) at January 15, 2010 5:56 PM

Sugartits/Sparkletits - as long as there's tits, I'm in.

As for my vote on useless characters in movies, I was watching Aliens the other night, and man, did Bill Paxton ever piss.me.off.
Just had do get that off my chest.
(Or, out of my chest, seeing as it's about Aliens)

Posted by: Odnon at January 15, 2010 6:31 PM

Ziggy, I'm with you - I honestly couldn't tell the diff between the "Before" and "After" photos.

I so hate Gwenyth Paltrow. Maybe she'll meditate herself into another plane of existence and go be mediocre in *their* films and stop being in ours.

As far as I'm concerned, Betty White can do no wrong.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 15, 2010 7:02 PM

As for my vote on useless characters in movies, I was watching Aliens the other night, and man, did Bill Paxton ever piss.me.off.
You shut your whore mouth! Nobody talks bad about Aliens!
Hudson may have been a whiny bastard, but when it came down to it he was as much of an ass-kicker as any of them.
Useless was Veronica Cartwright's Lambert from Alien.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at January 15, 2010 9:25 PM

Boston Legal season 2 Alan Shore bails out Catherine Piper(Betty White) after she goes on a spree with a rubber gun.

Posted by: Force Factor Reviews at January 16, 2010 12:19 AM

I am wondering if the "new" Heidi is actually to be believed. I wouldn't put it past them to stage something like this for the attention. I can picture Spencer now gloating over how they fooled the gullible public with this. There haven't been any staged paparazzi shots of this new look besides what is in People have there?

Posted by: babysledge at January 16, 2010 4:03 AM

"I just think this is an example of really bad casting. You can’t have an average or below average looking woman playing the role of an incredibly hot woman. It’s nothing against {Julia Roberts] because she’s a [so-so] actress and played the role well. However, when you have these guys looking at her as if she’s the jewel of the nile then it just doesn’t click. If it were established that her character wasn’t supposed to be hot then I’d be fine with it but face it, “Hello Beautiful!” coming from [George Clooney] made me think “who the hell is he talking about?”"
---
How Julia Roberts ruined the "Oceans" movies for m HOLY SHIT! Look at the size of that fuckin' bunny! And I'd don't mean granny/Jessica, but that Amy beast from hell. I see a reboot of "Night of the Lepus" in our future. That or enough rabbit stew to keep every refugee in Haiti fed for a week. Clothed, too.

Posted by: , at January 16, 2010 10:31 AM

Good Lord, Heidi Montag ... Was it her intention to look 30? Because that's the age I would guess if I saw her crazy (augmented) ass walking down the street.

Posted by: megaroni and cheese at January 16, 2010 3:31 PM

Patty O'Green wrote:
I can't see the vid here; is it literally the same kid?

Pretty sure it's not literally the same kid; it's "2010's version of that kid" in the sense that it's it's a kind of embarrassingly funny video of something happening to a wacky kid...and maybe it's "viral" or some shit, although honestly I don't think it's nearly as great as the kid on dentist smack...

Posted by: Jesse M. at January 16, 2010 5:27 PM

Struggling in the early part of your career? http://AgelessMeet.com/ opens opportunities to meet attractive young girls and treat you like a king.

Posted by: Helen at January 17, 2010 5:34 AM

The movie was ok, I think that was the same kid in the video. I saw this video on another website somewhere so this video must be going viral around the web. I also thought Heidi Montag looked like she was 30 some years old.
Regards, TW Jackson

Posted by: TW Jackosn at July 7, 2010 11:43 AM

I never really cared for that song "hit me baby one more time" but that kid did a good job. I found it to be entertaining watching him what he was ding.
Sincerely, Matt Huston

Posted by: Matt Huston at July 7, 2010 12:39 PM

This little boy in this video is funny. He must be one of her big fans. I wonder if his parents new what he was doing. I added this video to my youtube account as one of my favorites.
The Magic Of Making Up Review

Posted by: Thomas Trumen at July 7, 2010 1:41 PM

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Betty is Back, Bitches

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