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Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | January 8, 2009 | Comments (46)

Joe Francis and Larry Flynt are campaigning Washington for a $5 billion “porn bailout.” It might actually be funny if they weren’t such lowlife pieces of shit. (WIMB)

And that’s why you don’t make shoe bomb jokes at the airport. (QuizLaw)

When is Gwyneth Paltrow going to just slink away with her tail between her legs instead of trying to explain how she’s better than everyone and feels sorry for us? Christ this woman is insufferable. (Agent Bedhead)

The Razzie Awards nominations have been announced, and Zooey Deschanel is up for Worst Actress alongside Paris Hilton. This is just so… Wrong. (Celebitchy)

Bwuh? Joe the Plumber has found a new calling as a war correspondent. So he can Joe “let Israel’s Average Joes share their story.” He is aware that Israel’s Average Joes pretty much carry loaded firearms on them at all times, right? (Deus Ex Malcontent)

The evil, blonde-haired skeleton finally got her five minutes on the “Today” show yesterday after they originally canceled her and she shrieked bloody-murder about it. Watch at your own risk. (Yeeeah!)

I’ve got three words for you: Martin Short’s ass. It’s like Christmas in January! (Celebslam)

I had no idea Jessica Alba could inspire such vitriol. I mean, in general because she’s so boring, much less by standing around ignoring the paparazzi. (DrunkenStepfather)

Now here’s some love for Sarah Polley, who turns 30 today. (FilmExperience)

AlabamaPink alerted me to this website, which displays the most horrifically misguided attempts at craftery on the internet. (Craftastrophe)

And on that note, Sofia has started a contest involving several of the eloquents to find the tackiest things on the internet, (quite a feat in itself) which I am to judge and post the results of tomorrow. (WorldForSofia)

I don’t know if I’m more troubled by the fact that you can buy a tuna eyeball at the grocery store or by the fact that someone would actually want to consume such an item. (Serious Eats)

So here’s the most bizarre thing I’ve seen all day. And no, I’m not going to give you any kind of warning whatsoever:

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

What. The.

FUCK.

ihatetheworld

Posted by: Withnail at January 8, 2009 12:04 PM

When I'm feeling down, I try and picture Paltrow in that scene from Hero as the Jet-Li character when he gets completely obliterated from existence by those five million arrows.

I instantly feel better.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 12:07 PM

I saw Francis on CNN yammering about this last night and he sounded like an idiot. Personally I think it's hilarious that they're asking for a stimulous package as well, but hearing him talk about capitalism was like fingers on a chalkboard.

Posted by: Eep at January 8, 2009 12:08 PM

Sofia is brilliant as always!

I have a pretty good roundup of all the participants on my blog for the tacky contest: hit the link and experience the glory that is the internet!

Posted by: Marra at January 8, 2009 12:13 PM

Also Sarah Polley is 30? Weeeeird. I have this strange thing where I assume that people stay the same percentage of my age, so I feel like she should be much younger than I am.

Posted by: Eep at January 8, 2009 12:18 PM

Pants' two dragons rapin' a car is one of the worst things I've ever seen, followed closely by the roo ball bottle opener.

Anything on velvet is instant class. It is velvet after all.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 12:21 PM

Genius, Sofia.

Posted by: Cindy at January 8, 2009 12:35 PM

You want tacky? Here's tacky - long before the whole 2 Girls, 1 Cup rigamarole hit the interwebs, there was a thirty second clip called Us & a Pilsner Glass. It was me (drunk), Wendel (also drunk), a five foot length of silicone tubing, and an unfortunate goldfish won at a County Fair Ring-Toss.

Good luck finding that particular gem...

Posted by: Skitz & Wendel at January 8, 2009 12:36 PM

I've eaten tuna eyeball. Not as bad as it sounds.

Posted by: TK at January 8, 2009 12:40 PM

I passed on watching that pinched, smug turdhole embarrass herself on the Today show in favor of looking at Martin Short's coin slot.

I firmly believe I made the right decision.

Posted by: Clee Shay at January 8, 2009 12:41 PM

Who knew the porn industry was blowing their money, too!?!

Posted by: Fuel at January 8, 2009 12:50 PM

I dunno Admin, have you seen Sofi's bepeniled glass Lion table?

(Now there's a sentence I hadn't expected to use today...)

Posted by: Pants at January 8, 2009 12:55 PM

The glass table is bad, but I think we're all overlooking Sofia's topless, soft-focus mall portrait of the pregnant hillbillies and Shelby's holographic last supper painting in a cheap plastic frame. Those two are priceless.

Posted by: Marra at January 8, 2009 12:57 PM

That's alright, Pants. I only hear that sentence when I have people over.

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 12:57 PM

So are they saying the Porn industry is screwed?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 12:58 PM

My...GOD! What happened to Jay Mohr and Nikki Cox?! He used to be so skinny, now he looks like he's ready to eat a child whole. And she used to be so hot and now...I think I know where the Cloverfield monster came from now, the only question is through which pair of lips?

Sure, mock me and tell me how traditional anatomy dictates the lower 48, but look at her big assed mouth and tell me that couldn't have done the job as well!

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 12:59 PM

here's my really corny joke: Money shot does not mean cash infusion!

Posted by: surly suzie at January 8, 2009 1:02 PM

BSlim, I wouldn't say that just yet. These may be hard times, but like the decades past, the Porn Industry shall rise again. It just needs a little bit of fluffing...$5 billion dollars worth.

Posted by: Mike R. at January 8, 2009 1:05 PM

You know, Jay Mohr is one sad motherfucker, sooooo many unfulfilled expectations.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 1:15 PM

So, I clicked on the Drunken Stepfather link to see if something had changed drastically since the last time I visited that would warrant a more higher minded like Pajiba linking to them. And... nope, still disgusting misogynistic tripe. Oh, and the bare tits lining the left side of the page don't help much either.

The tacky contest is going strong. Trust me, I've got a few sites I've been working through that have some very strong contenders for the Tacky Title. Good clean fun.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at January 8, 2009 1:30 PM

What the fuckity fuck was that? Words escape me. Moving on.

I give it a month before one of my projects gets on Craftastrophe. It may have already happened. I couldn't tell you as I only grazed the first page.

Posted by: Robert at January 8, 2009 1:50 PM

I once worked at a company that got a cash infusion from investors, at which point they set up a suggestion box asking for what the employees thought the company needed most.

The winner? "A Fluffer".

They took away our suggestion box after that.

And we didn't get a fluffer.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 8, 2009 2:05 PM

Pants, I stand corrected. That table is awesomely tacky. How much Sofia? No, I'm not kidding.

While the last supper painting is bad Marra, My Mother-in-law is a devout Catholic, and has hoards of tacky religeous shit so I'm pretty much immune. As for the mall portrait, you have to remember that where I live that would be a nice wedding portrait.

The porn industry will be fine, it's just that the economy is a little flaccid right now.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 2:06 PM

You know, I love Zooey. I think she might be kind of a one-trick pony, but that could just be because I've only seen her in a few things, but I have to say, if that Razzie nomination is for The Happening it's totally deserved. Although really the blame should probably go to Shamalawhatisname. ("Alright guys, everyone around you is dying horrifically, trees are shaking ominously, so I want you to whisper and look vaguely confused. And Zooey, I want you to pretend you're one of those annoying girls who talks an octave above her natural voice to seem cute. And fidget.")

Posted by: s. pisaster at January 8, 2009 2:07 PM

By the way, where would a velvet painting of a Mexican gun-fighter in a really bad barn wood frame that is currently hanging on my wall fall in the scheme of things?

I had to rescue him from my mother who wanted him destroyed.

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 2:09 PM

Did somebody say contest?
I think I may have something that beats the velvet trucker Jesus painting.
Click my name if you dare!

Posted by: Blonde Savant at January 8, 2009 2:19 PM

..... huh

I guess now we know where all those hipster kids keep coming from

Posted by: nadine at January 8, 2009 2:37 PM

We have a Winner!

Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 2:38 PM

Blonde Savant is probably going to win by a mullet.

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 2:48 PM

Blonde Savant - that is BAD ASS.

Posted by: Mattfactor at January 8, 2009 2:49 PM

Posted by: Blonde Savant at January 8, 2009 2:56 PM

Lion table wins. Hands down. But the gay fisherman potholder was made from a selection in a whole line of gay-friendly quilting fabric.

Fuck! I wish I could remember where I saw these fabrics.

There were multiple themes like cowboys, firemen, construction workers, and so forth. I was seriously considering making like duvet covers out of them or something for my gays (Yes, I watched a marathon of Ms. You're A Man Baby Kathy Griffin's wacko show.)

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 8, 2009 2:56 PM

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 3:08 PM

Ah ha ha ha! You found it!

Fucking classic.

I'm dusting off the old sewing machine right now...

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 8, 2009 3:11 PM

Awesome! Will you make a MuMu for me?

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 3:14 PM

OMG I need a muu muu made of gay cowboys!

In other news, I have a question: why does Sofi's lion table have a human's penis? that's just weird. And technically, makes anatomically incorrect. And, also, that much tackier.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 3:27 PM

Oh definitely!

MuMu is one of my favorite words, dontcha know. Along with Ouija.

Then there was that episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets fat to go on disability...

"I don't want to look stupid. I'll take the mumu!"

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 8, 2009 3:27 PM

"The fingers you are using are too fat to dial..."

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 3:31 PM

Oooooh, I LOVE that episode!!!

Wouldn't it be funny if we all showed up in gay cowboy MuMus at PajibaCon?

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 3:32 PM

And the phone company sends him that special stick to use to push the buttons on the phone...

Lord almighty, that was some funny shit right there.

Posted by: Alabamapink at January 8, 2009 3:40 PM

Why does Sofi's lion table have a human's penis?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz

Exactly! Man, it's weird, but my dad insisted on making it that way. Worst Father-Daughter Craftsday ever.

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 3:50 PM

Exactly! Man, it's weird, but my dad insisted on making it that way. Worst Father-Daughter Craftsday ever.

I really hope your dad didn't make you take a plaster cast of his for the sake of realism.

Posted by: stipe42 at January 8, 2009 6:03 PM

The tackiness contest has been done before. Recently. And by a fairly prominent blog/website.

P.S Zooey definitely deserves the win. The Happening was the worst film I've ever seen (just overtaking Revenge Of The Sith for top spot).

Posted by: ben (thpbt) at January 8, 2009 10:00 PM

I wasn't aware of that, ben...

*glares*

Posted by: Sofía at January 8, 2009 10:14 PM

Hard times in the porn biz?

Can't make this shit up.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 9, 2009 12:12 AM

I like it, I saw many info. on ***seekingsugarmomma. c om***. Very funny site. Like it so much!!!

Posted by: nina at January 9, 2009 1:32 AM