Pajiba Love 01/05/09

That’s Senator Stuart Smalley To You, Bitches

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | January 5, 2009 | Comments (76)

Al Franken is finally going to be declared senator of Minnesota, winning by a whopping 225 votes. (HuffPo)

OH. HELL. YES. The “Rock of Love: Charm School” reunion was finally aired last night. This was like the highlight of my year. And yes, I know the year was only four days in, but still. (WIMB)

Here is a new low, even for Florida: A thief so dumb he metaphorically left a trail of breadcrumbs to his hideout. Or maybe not so much “metaphorically” as “literally” and with popcorn. (QuizLaw)

Ricky Gervais has angered the fat community by telling them to stop bitching and go for a run. And really, if anyone has the right to anger the fat community it’s gotta be Ricky Gervais. (Evil Beet)

Hahahaha. Agent Bedhead must be still drunk from New Years or something. Pete Wentz wouldn’t be hot if he were eaten by Javier Bardem. (Agent Bedhead)

Here are the Ten Most Ridiculous, Shameful or Generally Unfortunate People and Events of 2008. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

And on the other end of the spectrum, I think I missed a few of these — but here are the top four out of 44[plus] reasons to love 2008. (FourFour)

Paula Abdul might get her own — wait for it — talk show. Oh yes, please, please let this happen, especially since I was laid off my day job last week and would watch this shit Every. Single. Day. (Celebslam)

Wait, there’s an Angry Whopper? Why on earth would anybody want to eat anything with the word “angry” actually in the name? (TIB)

The “Today” show thinks it’s important to respect Obama’s girls privacy, which is why they only showed clips of them driving to school eight times instead of nine. (Jezebel)

I think I’d rather just have a birthday corndog than a birthday cake shaped like a corndog. (CakeWrecks)

Angelina Jolie is demanding script changes to her upcoming film “Salt.” But I guess Angelina Jolie can do pretty much whatever she wants, because a small army of children has her back. (Celebitchy)

Vintage Cute overload, circa 1981. (CuteOverload)

Kissing Suzy Kolber Presents: The Night of the Asshole Fans. I must say, this is pretty damn inspired. (KSK)

Today’s clip is kind of old, but it’s still new to me so shut your stupid face if you’ve seen it before. Thanks to Andy!

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

Follow @pajiba

← G-Force Trailer | The Year In Review Part 6 →

Comments

Sorry to hear about the job Stacey. It sucks but being a bum is not without it's charms I was laid off in November.

Posted by: Catag at January 5, 2009 12:04 PM

Fat community? When did we organize?

Posted by: Marra at January 5, 2009 12:04 PM

The Committee will declare Franken the winner, but Coleman has already stated that he is going to protest it in court. We're not going to have a new Senator for months still, I'm sure.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 12:05 PM

Cake Wrecks, YES!

And give that man the damn Senator seat already. He's good enough, he's smart enough and doggone it, people like him. Someone had to say it, alright?

My new year's resolution is to watch more stupid/impaired people on TV, so a big hell yes to: Paula Abdul, the be-wigged guy on that Rock of Love mess, and ANYONE who is on TV because they are crappy parents and/or had too many damn kids.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 12:10 PM

I'm pretty ambivalent to Franken's win, since I don't actually live in Minnesota, but right now, all I can think is "The guy from the hot sauce commercials?" Best of luck to him. Also, I cannot wait for Paula's Talk Show. If only because I want to see her start crying in the middle of an interview for absolutely no reason whatsoever, then shiv someone in the jugular with a bottle neck. I'll grab the nachoes, AVB.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 5, 2009 12:12 PM

Glorious column today, Chez.

Posted by: Cindy at January 5, 2009 12:22 PM

I saw the Angry Whopper commercial last night during the game, and I was puzzled as well. Is this a new trend? Does it come with Frowny Fries and a Murder Shake? Will the 15-year-old at the register punch you in the face when you order? Color me curious.

The novelty of having no job wears off after a time. For now, collect unemployment and eat lots of ice cream.

Posted by: Nicole at January 5, 2009 12:31 PM

I love the idea of Paula getting her own show! It'll be like that asshole Dr. Phil, but instead of her helping the guests, the guest will have to try and get HER to stop crying long enough to explain her horrible childhood of abuse and neglect, which was why as she got older she turned into a total slut, fucking anything that moved, then threesomes because her boyfriends were assholes, which of course led to the gangbangs when she was a cheerleader, you know, because her self esteem was so bad. And to deal with that, of course, she started drinking, to help with the painful memories, which didn't go away, but thank GOD for Vicodin, that helped some, but it was better when washed down with Vodka. Wait a minute, this sounds like a celebrity version of my ex-girlfriend...

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 12:33 PM

The Democrats will try to seat Franken tomorrow, but the fucking Republicans will fillibuster it and it won't happen. Then Coleman will fight in the Supreme Court, claiming that anyone who voted for McCain AND Franken was obviously trying to vote for Coleman (douche).

People have been focusing a lot on Franken as an SNL cast member, but they often forget that he helped found and run Air America, and he's a longtime political commentator and writer.

Posted by: Audiosuede at January 5, 2009 12:33 PM

Please, Godtopus, let David Archuleta be the inaugural guest on the Paula Abdul Show! Then please let someone a) replace Paula's downers with some uppers so she follows through with her stated desire to "squeeze his head off", and b) have a rearview mirror handy...

Posted by: Che Grovera at January 5, 2009 12:36 PM

I'm with Gervais. I find it frustrating when a three hundred pound person complains about being treated badly because of a "glandular problem", claims to be disabled due to said problem, then proceeds to sit down and inhale nine pieces of fried chicken for lunch.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 12:38 PM

Other than feeling sorry for almost all the relatives on my mom's side, I'll be delighted if Franken is finally given the post in Minnesota. People I don't agree with get to show their ass with a smug jerk unqualified for the position (that's practically tradition in Minnesota now, isn't it?) and I don't have to deal with any of the consequences.

Posted by: Eep at January 5, 2009 12:49 PM

"Does it come with Frowny Fries and a Murder Shake? Will the 15-year-old at the register punch you in the face when you order?"

That made me laugh aloud at my desk. I'm guessing HR's gonna show up wanting me to fill a cup with test-whiz. Thanks, Nicole - I owe you a soderpop.

Posted by: Skitz at January 5, 2009 12:51 PM

I'm with you, admin. I'm a fat guy, but I know damn well why I'm a fat guy. I don't try to sugarcoat it to make myself feel better. I fucking love to eat, because food is delicious.

Sometimes I do feel like maybe I have an addiction to food, but then I think I'm the one that got me there in the first place, so it's still my fault.

On the plus side, I got up at five this morning and biked ten imaginary miles on my exercise bike and then lifted weights. So at least that's something.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 12:51 PM

really dug the Deus Ex Malcontent article too.

not so much the suzy kolber one...ring envy is so ugly.

Posted by: gem at January 5, 2009 1:05 PM

"Does it come with Frowny Fries and a Murder Shake?"

God, now I'm craving a Murder Shake.

Posted by: TK at January 5, 2009 1:19 PM

Does it come with Frowny Fries and a Murder Shake? Will the 15-year-old at the register punch you in the face when you order?

Me thinks the MurderTank may need a retro-fit to include a canteen.

I'm of the rounded persuasion too Snath, but does thinking about imagining about doing excercise count? Because actually doing it just reeks of effort. (Good on ya though).

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 1:20 PM

Snath, by best friend is a really big guy, married to a really big girl. My wife and I were having breakfast at their house one morning, and I watched as they cooked the hashbrowns in the bacon fat with salt and pepper, then when they dished it out they added some shake on top. I must have been staring, 'cuz he looks at me and says "What? You think we're fat by accident?" I fucking near chocked on a piece of toast.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 1:22 PM

Hee, Jeremy my love, that's not me.... That's the original (and far superior) AB. However, I'll be right there with you glued to the telly if that show happens. Oh, Paula...

P.S. If I saw a cake that looked like a corndog, I feel like I would expect it to taste like a corndog, and then I'd be all disappointed when it didn't.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 1:26 PM

XtremeI love people like that. Fat acceptance starts with yourself. One day my boss grabbed her not insubstantial belly and said "you know, I've grown rather fond of this."

Just one of the reasons I love working for her. She's fat, she knows it, she doesn't blame it on anything but "eating like a f&cking pig."

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 1:28 PM

Hey Anna. How's it hanging, woman? And YOU are far superior, not I. Wanna fight about it?

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 1:32 PM

I will totally fight you. Jello pudding re-match?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 1:36 PM

As long as it's guacamole pudding. You're on. Nachos will be for sale for the spectators, people. Paula Abdul will MC.

It's a nice even match, as far as I can tell--Anna and I are nearly exactly the same age.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 1:37 PM

Mmmmm guacamole. The only problem there is that I'm liable to forget what I'm there for and just start eating.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 1:46 PM

Wouldn't guacamole pudding just be guacamole?

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 1:46 PM

Macho Nachos?

And then we can use the post wrestling guacamole for dippin'.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 1:47 PM

Snath A common misperception. Guac pudding is guac with tapioca, sugar, heavy cream, and cinnamon added.

Still going to just get a chip and dig in to our kiddie pool of guac pudding, AVB? Or will you concentrate on giving me a full Nelson? Yes, we will look as if we were vomited on by an army of sick toddlers, but damn, it'll be fun! Imagine Paula Abdul as our MC--she'll just get down in that guacey pudding shit and slur her ass off.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 1:50 PM

I'll try to resist the temptation long enough for the actual bout. Either way, as long as Paula's babbling incoherently, I'm there.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 1:57 PM

I don't know if that counts, admin, but I do know that you just shattered my perception of you as a dirty shirtless farmer with washboard abs.

Sometimes imaginary biking would be better than biking ten miles but not going anywhere. I wish it was summer so I could actually move when I'm exercising, instead of just staring at my ugly basement for a half hour.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 1:57 PM

Fuck you Ricky Gervais you unfunny homo. Who the fuck are you to talk with your bad teeth and man-boobs. You are about as funny as those other comedians from that hot bed of comedy England. How does it feel to have an old dried up cunt as the leader of your country? I was shocked to hear that your country's troops were pulling out of Iraq, that's funny because I didn't even know that you homos knew how to fight. I hope that a-rab came on Diana's face when he was fucking her. Congratulations Al Fraken on your win, now be a good jew and support Obama.

Posted by: Pookie at January 5, 2009 1:58 PM

Lets see, today's favorite topics have included fat acceptance, engorged G-spots, the differing aromas of a woman's crotch (good or bad), and now AB and AvB are talking about a Guacamole Jello wrestling match? *smiles* I think I'm home now, Toto...

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 1:58 PM

The weight comments are a vicious cycle. First someone like Gervais comes along and says "Hey fatty, put down the cheeseburger and get on the treadmill." Then, a bunch of other people decided to pile on and grossly oversimplify all weight problems down to "Hey fatty, put down the gross of donuts and gallons of soda and get on a fucking treadmill you worthless piece of shit." Then, finally, when comments escalate to a level that would most likely win someone a harassment suit in court, the NAAFA or other like organization shows up and says "You people. You People." And everyone shuts up. To complete the circle, someone else says to put down the cheeseburger and it starts all over. A vicious and hilarious cycle.

Posted by: Robert at January 5, 2009 2:12 PM

Now I want a cheeseburger.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 2:19 PM

Hey fatty, put down that cheeseburger.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 2:26 PM

As a member of the no-cable community--could someone please post a clip of Bill O'Reilly's head exploding when he has to say "Senator Al Franken"? Thank you.

Posted by: True_Blue at January 5, 2009 2:27 PM

You people, admin. YOU PEOPLE.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 2:32 PM

I can haz...

Nope, can't do it.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 2:41 PM

Lets see, today's favorite topics have included fat acceptance, engorged G-spots, the differing aromas of a woman's crotch (good or bad).

Xtreme

Where the fuck was I when this conversation took place? Please people, keep me abreast of such things. I should have been the first one notified when the conversation began.

Posted by: Pookie at January 5, 2009 2:42 PM

Pookie, my apologies, it was cruel and unusual of everyone here to discus vaginal odor and Jello wrestling without specifically inviting you. We are all guilty collectively of being thoughtless pains in your ass, as well as being disgusting pigs.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 2:53 PM

The Snuggie: Comfy blankety thing or Garment of Satan?

Discuss.....

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 5, 2009 2:55 PM

Unfortunately-named fire and drowning hazard in one conveniently redonkulous-looking blanket...thing. So I'm leaning towards Garment of Satan.

Imagine if you were ice fishing in one of those things and your space heater caught you on fire, so you panicked and started flailing around and fell into your hole? You'd be dead in thirty seconds.

For the record, this is all hypothetical as I think ice fishing is for crazy weirdos.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 3:07 PM

My daughter and I NEVER tire of seeing the Snoggie commercials or whatever they're called. We think they should show nothing but commercials for totally stupid useless shit like that and electric scissors. So we can laugh.

Our favorite shots are the poor emasculated men who are forced to wear the Snoggie and look like a dolt who can't just you know, put on a goddamned sweater or something. And the entire family in the middle of the bleachers wearing Snoggies and looking like a bunch of Yoda wannabes.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 3:15 PM

Who are these people wearing blankets all over the place? If I am ever out and I see a person wearing a blanket I will dress him down. I will expose his cheeseburger. I will call him names.

Posted by: Cindy at January 5, 2009 3:20 PM

Xtreme you are an Officer and a Gentleman, your courtesy is the measure of your lot. If our paths shall ever cross I will not hesitate in buying you a drink.

Posted by: Pookie at January 5, 2009 3:22 PM

Unfortunately-named fire and drowning hazard in one conveniently redonkulous-looking blanket...thing. So I'm leaning towards Garment of Satan.

It has an open back. If you could possibly burn alive or drown in what is basically a warm smock, you deserve to be culled from the herd or at least have oven mitts permanently duct-taped over your hands.

Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock, smock, smock, smock, smock, smock.

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 3:24 PM

dammitjanet: Yeah, seriously, I can't be the only one who thinks the snuggie is just the result of a clan robe that accidently got washed with a shirt? Though to be fair, anyone dumb enough to order anything from a TV ad deserves to go around looking like an asshat white suprmacist.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 5, 2009 3:35 PM

Pookie, I don't care what everyone around here says, you're all right. I would be most honoured to sit and sip someday. Preferably somewhere hot and sunny, which is not where I live.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 3:37 PM

I fucking hate that Snuggie commercial!

*cue annoying commercial narrator*

Are you tired of having to take your hand out from under a blanket to use the remote?

Are you troubled by the decision on whether to stay warm or stuff your fat face with Cool-Ranch Doritos?

Would you rather not remove your blanket to drop a deuce during half-time?

They buy a Snuggie! You lazy, slothful bastard. Cause we know how difficult it is to negotiate that one extra layer of fabric.

Order now and we'll send you this free bed pan and damp rag. Because if you can't be bothered to take your arm out of a blanket, you certainly cant be bothered to practise basic human cleanliness rituals.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 3:42 PM

Oh I missed y'all and your hilarity.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 5, 2009 3:42 PM

Although, think of how awesome a Snuggie made of Shamwows would be?

Does anyone else think the Shamwow guy looks like the evil leprachaun from The Simpsons?

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 5, 2009 3:44 PM

OMG dammitjanet that is SOAWESOME! You could wear your Snuggie and if your 2 liter of Big Red spills? Just use your sleeve made of Shamwows! It works wet OR DRY!!!

Oh wow, now wait. The possibilities for bladder control just occurred to me.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 5, 2009 3:49 PM

It would be perfect for your Aunt Mable in the nursing home!!!

Or, me during an episode of "24" or "Lost".....oops, too much information

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 5, 2009 3:55 PM

**packs bags for Minnesota**

Posted by: greer at January 5, 2009 3:56 PM

Ah, branded, that makes more sense. I didn't know it had an open back, I just assume it was like a big closed tunic or something.

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 3:58 PM

smock smock smock smock smock smock.

Wheee! That is fun. It's also one of those words that loses all meaning after you say it enough times. Eventually, you can put yourse;f into a kind of trance doing that. I used to trance out like that when I was a kid with "pillow".

True Story.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 4:03 PM

I should have been the first one notified when the conversation began.

How do we notify you Pookie? Do we start throwing gang signs? Or maybe a Batmanesque spotlight with the silhouette of a middle finger? Is there a particular call that you respond to?

Pook, pook, pook, pook, PoooooooKIE! PooooooooKIE!

Inquiring minds want to know.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 4:12 PM

Because you didn't think anything was more awesome than the ShamWow:

https://www.slapchop.com/ver5/index.asp

This man has a Headset of Magic.

Posted by: Nicole at January 5, 2009 4:15 PM

admin, I think I just ruptured something internally trying not to howl with laughter at my desk. I heard the last guy that laughed like that in this office was taken forcibly by HR, drugged and waterboarded until he agreed to the lobotomy.

Please don't touch my stapler...

Posted by: Xtreme at January 5, 2009 4:31 PM

This man has a Headset of Magic.

"You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slapping all your troubles away"?

I see that he's well-versed in the Ike Turner school of thought.

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 4:38 PM

Nicole I saw that commercial on the weekend. I ordered seven, one for each day.

Branded, you complete me.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 4:43 PM

My brother and sister-in-law tried to get my dad a Snuggie for Christmas, but it was on back order. Is there really that great a demand for a glorified blanket? They ended up giving him an assortment of candy, so I'm not sure if he gets the Snuggie when the company gets new stock.

Before you think my brother and sister-in-law are totally lame in their gift-giving, I have to say my dad is incredibly hard to buy for. He's got more money than God, and his only hobbies are watching football, and porn. I gave him the new football book this year. That ruled out a lot of choices for other gifts.

Posted by: rlr260 at January 5, 2009 4:47 PM

admin, if you can tell me what my previous smock reference is from, we can close the circle on our mutual hetero man love.

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 4:48 PM

That man is so frightening. Are peoples' faces supposed to make those shapes?

Posted by: Snath at January 5, 2009 4:53 PM

Xtreme, I have for a long time been devoid of an Id and Supep-ego, so therefore I don't worry about what people say about me. The majority of people here at pajiba have been driven by one of the two. I know who and what I am, I don't seek the same pleasures that the hurried masses do.

Posted by: Pookie at January 5, 2009 5:39 PM

*Super-ego*

Posted by: Pookie at January 5, 2009 5:42 PM

I think the nuts part is my favorite. Because I'm twelve.

I saw that over the weekend and my first thought was, "Do the other Pajibans know about this?"

Posted by: Nicole at January 5, 2009 5:46 PM

That would be Calvin & Hobbes branded. Let the hetero man love begin!

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 6:18 PM

Absolutely it is, admin.
http://www.dontknockmysmock.com/

Let the hetero man love begin!

Sweet! We can take turns being Statham or Reynolds. Just don't make eye contact with me during.

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 7:10 PM

This man has a Headset of Magic.

"You're gonna love my nuts. Watch this."

Wait, what?!

Posted by: DGM at January 5, 2009 7:13 PM

Not a problem branded. I'm sure you won't mind if I look at myself in the mirror right? I saw it in a movie once.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 9:11 PM

I'm sure you won't mind if I look at myself in the mirror right? I saw it in a movie once.

Haha! Say admin, do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 9:21 PM

How did you know branded? My very first cassette was Fore!.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 9:40 PM

Wait, what?! There's hot man-on-man action going on in here? Where the hell have I been!?

Don't mind me... I'll just sit here quietly in the corner with this ...um, not video camera... no, it's an ipod. Yeah, ipod.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 5, 2009 9:47 PM

The camera has already been set up AvB.

Copies are available for $59.95 plus S&MH.

Posted by: admin at January 5, 2009 10:02 PM

Oh hey, AvB. Do you like Phil Collins? This is Sussudio, a great, great song. A personal favorite.

Posted by: branded at January 5, 2009 10:17 PM

I just confused "27 Dresses" with "Waitress" and pirated the wrong one. When Katherine Heigl showed up in a wedding dress, I thought it was some clever ploy of the movie's, as though it were trying to trick me into thinking she was the protagonist and not Keri Russell.

Posted by: Lucas at January 5, 2009 10:59 PM

Pajiba

Pajiba: Reviews, Commentary, Angst

Comments