Pajiba Love

Thanks A Lot Toad, Now I Don't Like Vaginas Anymore

By Jeremy Feist | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (24)

Here are the most depressing NES game endings ever. For the record: I still have nightmares about that fucking dog from Duck Hunt. And Toad telling me that the princess was in another castle. Looking back now, Toad probably turned me gay. (Topless Robot)

And speaking of sad endings, here are 7 deleted movie scenes whose removal from the movie tore a giant-ass hole in the plot. Is it weird that I actually loved the ending of Paranormal State? Sure, it didn’t really mesh with the rest of the movie, but it still scared me shitless. (Cracked)

A cancer patient in New Zealand wanted to tell his wife how much he loved her for his birthday, so he made a video featuring cue cards and romantic music and Hugh Jackman. A quick warning here, but DO NOT WATCH THIS IN PUBLIC, because it is in no way possible to make it through the video without crying. (Cinematical)

I love this: Second City, the people behind Sassy Gay Friend, are now doing Advice for Little Girls from Cartoon Princesses! Say what you will, but Disney has taught me a lot about bending over backwards for rich, personality-free men. (Zelda Lily)

Just when you managed to get Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You” out of your head, someone mashed it up with Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” and now you will never ever ever get it out of your head. Sorry. (popbytes)

A recent study says that Oscar winners live longer than people who haven’t won an Oscar. To put this in perspective: Meryl Streep will live forever, while Paris Hilton will probably get hit by a car and then struck by lightning sometime next week. (Film Drunk)

Here’s a look at the biggest gaps between an artist’s best work and their worst look. Oh come on, why everybody gotta be hatin’ on Liz Phair? (A.V. Club)

For those of you thinking Lindsay Lohan learned a lesson about responsibility during her time in rehab and jail: She clipped a baby in a stroller. WITH HER CAR. And then drove away. She got into a hit and run WITH A BABY. (The Superficial)

Holy shit you guys, did you ever wonder what would happen if Punky Brewster were possessed and murdering little bunny dolls with a crowbar? Now you know. (FourFour)

There’s a rumour going around saying that John Travolta might be (*GASP*) a homosexual! Hold on, would you guys excuse me for a second? I need to fish my monocle out of my champagne flute. (Yeeeah!)

Japan has finally gotten to the point where you can literally date virtual women. They should really consider changing their national motto to something like “Japan: If you can think it, you can fuck it.” (Gamma Squad)

Remember that crazy guy who took hostages in the Discovery Channel building? Well, as it turns out he tried to pitch a show to them and it, well, completely fucking sucked. Hey, I get pissy when Shark Week ends too; that doesn’t mean you can just go around taking hostages willy nilly. (Warming Glow)

WHOOOOOOA, Kelly Osbourne got herself all skinny and shit. To be honest I kinda like Kelly, if only because her dad is Ozzy Osbourne and thus far she’s still managed to stay out of trouble, so you know, good for her. (Evil Beet)

How’s this for a seriously “Fuck the what?!” story: 4Chan is getting together to send a WWII vet birthday cards and warm wishes for his 90th birthday. Why yes, I DO like Mudkipz, why do you ask? (Buzzfeed)

And now, because I fucking love you all: Tom Hardy working out. Bonus: It focuses pretty heavily on his ass.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.

Follow @pajiba

← Bull Durham Review | I Believe in the Sweet Sport | Here We Go Again On Our Own | Remakes from the Eighties →

Comments

Sniff, sniff. That video at Cinematical is very sweet.

Posted by: Jadine at September 3, 2010 12:16 PM

Oh come on. Those photos are horribly stretched. But she HAS lost a lot of weight, and is looking wonderfully. Though to be frank I always thought she had a nice figure, plus I've always loved her hair. She has a super round face like me, so she's a good inspiration for hairstyles. Anyway, I've always liked her too, for some reason. She seems like a cool chick.

Also the cutting of the scene between Boromir and Faramir in Osgiliath in The Two Towers is one of the most harebrained decisions ever. It made Faramir look like a gigantic asshole, which was a huge change from the book and pissed off us fans to the point where we wanted to set Peter Jackson on fire. I mean, it was still a fucking stupid decision to have Frodo go to Osgiliath (don't even get me started on when he shows THE FUCKING RING TO A RINGWRAITH ARGH) but at least we got a bit more motivation for Faramir. And of course, more Sean Bean, which is always a good thing.

Tolkien Geek OUT.

Posted by: figgy at September 3, 2010 12:34 PM

AND instead of having that awesome scene in the theatrical release we got some fucking horrible scene where they get attacked by fucking WARGS and fucking Aragorn fucking falls into the fucking river so everyone fucking thinks he's dead FOR NO REASON AT ALL and then we get fucking Arwen and arrrrrgh that theatrical release was horrible.

This paragraph brought to you by the word 'fucking'.

Posted by: figgy at September 3, 2010 12:38 PM

I feel your rage, figgy. The Two Towers changes made me want to spit nails.

Posted by: banana at September 3, 2010 12:41 PM

I'm not really an ass girl. At least, I wasn't until I watched that video.

Good god, Tom Hardy.

Posted by: Cadet at September 3, 2010 12:41 PM

I think that video is from the special features on Bronson. Dude had to gain a massive amount of muscle for the role and he did. He really didn't have much of a choice as, if he didn't, Charlie would have mashed the cunt right proper.

Posted by: admin at September 3, 2010 12:54 PM

Tom Hardy's workout looks painful. But would you just look at that ass? Awwww yeah.

Posted by: Chickaboom at September 3, 2010 1:58 PM

re: Tom Hardy video

I didn't even make it anywhere close to my bunk...

Posted by: Drake at September 3, 2010 2:05 PM

I liked the ending to Paranormal Activity as well.

SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE, LOTS OF SPOILER SPACE TO PROTECT YOUR EYEBALLS SO STEP OFF

I think that even though it's a bit jarring in its in-your-face-ness, it makes SENSE as a climax. The demon (or whatever) has spent the entire movie messing with them and, in a sense, mugging for the camera. It even performs for the camera when the couple isn't home to be tormented by it (the Ouija board scene). The demon is kind of a cam whore, actually.

So to me, that final shot represents a kind of symbol of the entity's final victory. The camera was Micah's thing, so mugging for it after murdering Micah is a pretty big "hahaha, SURE I'LL POSE FOR YOU HERE I AM ASSHOLE" fuck you message. I know that in the real world production mindframe, it's just a make-the-audience-jump moment to end the movie on, but for me, it was a satisfying ending, a big explosion that all of the little (and sometimes even hilarious) occurrences throughout the movie had been leading up to, the ultimate escalation. The entity goes from hiding in the shadows, to sticking a toe in the water, to wading a little, and then finally to being in full-on control.

My only issue with the ending is that it renders the early shots of one of them slashing the air with the knife (the same knife she kills him with in the original ending) kind of impotent - it was beautiful (if painfully obvious) foreshadowing, and the symmetry of having Micah waving the knife at the camera at the beginning, and the demon holing the bloody knife at the end, is lost with the theatrical ending.

END SPOILER

But anyway, that movie made me antsy during bedtime for like two weeks because ever since I was a little kid and I read that short story with the voice coming closer and closer (and ending with "NOW I'M RIGHT HERE"), I've been terrified of invisible things eating my soul in the night, so I loved it but I'm never watching it again, dammit.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at September 3, 2010 2:14 PM

So, c'mon, man, the dude and the chick from It's Always Sunny had a baby and named it AXEL. I would think that's Pajiba Love-worthy!

Posted by: MM at September 3, 2010 2:16 PM

She clipped a baby in a stroller. WITH HER CAR. And then drove away. She got into a hit and run WITH A BABY.

Hey! We all make mistakes once in a while. Sometimes, you accidently run a red light and clip a stroller. Or you're backing out of a mall parking lot and tap a stroller with a sleeping baby in it. And, yes, sometimes your first instinct is to flee the scene. Or when the parents yell, "THERE'S A BABY BACK HERE!" — to fall into a bout of nervous laughter that distracts you even more and instead of putting your car in drive, you back into the stroller again, earning you the nickname j "Double Tap" M...

...

WE'RE ONLY HUMAN!

Posted by: jM at September 3, 2010 2:20 PM

Natty, that story freaked my shit out as a kid! I swear, when my kid is finally old enough for elementary school I am searching her bag for those books after every library trip and TAKING THAT SHIT AWAY if I find it. I'd like her to grow up unscathed, unlike me.

Posted by: stardust at September 3, 2010 3:14 PM

You know that comment diversion a couple of posts back... I just made up my mind. Yes and yes... with Tom Hardy. He's pretty [f'ing HOT!]. How could I have forgotten that? Thanks Feist.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at September 3, 2010 3:33 PM

tom hardy video: amazing--both the workout and that ass. thank you.

Posted by: maxpurr9 at September 3, 2010 3:41 PM

Is it just me, or is Tom Hardy's ass exceptionally round? (Not to mention tight - that would just be lewd, eh?)

In any event, HAWT!

Posted by: MM at September 3, 2010 3:45 PM

stardust, I was so terrified as a kid that I shit you not, I slept with a crucifix under my pillow and the TV really loudly on for like a year (because then I wouldn't be able to hear the evil voice and it would somehow be okay). I still sleep with the TV on out of habit from those times because now I'm not conditioned to sleep in silence anymore so I have a hard time going to sleep if there's no noise (also I have insomnia, so the TV gives my brain something to be distracted by when I'm trying to sleep but can't).

So yeah, my future kid doesn't get to read the story either. Maybe they'll turn out okay.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at September 3, 2010 5:03 PM

For those of you Tom Hardy fans who haven't seen it, watch "Bronson"...,
Just watch it...,
You'll see all you need to see, between bouts of incredible violence.

Posted by: Sly D. at September 3, 2010 5:13 PM

John Travolta's gay?
So whut?
next...,

Posted by: Sly D. at September 3, 2010 5:17 PM

Say what you will, but Disney has taught me a lot about bending over backwards for rich, personality-free men

Backwards? Really?

And add my vote down for liking the ending of Paranormal Activity

Posted by: EricD at September 3, 2010 6:40 PM

Nat

I just got back from the 'Cracked' link & I'm still amazed - I feel like, maybe, someone just discovering indisputable evidence of who actually did kill Kennedy - that kind of amazement, but I guess the cinematical equivalent, whatever, except with a half-dozen 'revelations' instead of just the one.

The 'Paranormal' DVD I rented only had one alternate ending included, but even after seeing this somewhat tedious & awkwardly long alternate end, I'm in complete agreement with you: you make a perfect argument that it was exactly the "ultimate escalation" that the movie required, most especially for the theater viewers, and it was obvious this was made for them, not the 'ho-hum' crowd that watches it with one or two others in their home - it's the one thing I most regret about seeing a DVD and knowing what I missed out on with just the right, late-night movie theater audience I'd want to be a part of.

Where you been hidin' at??

Posted by: Bill (Formerly Bill) at September 3, 2010 8:34 PM

That clip of a possessed Punky from Invitation to Hell on fourfour is sublime, comedic genius.

But who in aitch e double hockey sticks has a locking closet? Methinks cord and faux flight jacket wearing Spenser For Hire had much to teach us before Godtopus called him home.

We are all diminished by his loss.

Posted by: Groundloop at September 3, 2010 8:37 PM

A common nomenclature used in online correspondence these days is "it is what it is," implying that subject (b) should mechanically accept and unquestionably concur with original subject (a)'s blueprint for what defines the inarguable premise that the end product is finally settled upon.

The egregious, so patently obvious deleted 'explanatory' scenes and missing 'plot fillers' the Cracked article showed simply astounded me. The 'Terminator' scene, the 'Alien' scene, these were absolutely revelatory for me.

But that unresolved conflict with the Stiller nurse character in 'Happy Madison' managed to completely ruin any fond memories I might have had when first watching this with my dad on cable so many years ago.

I wasn't expecting anything more than the usual idiocy Sandler guarantees delivery of in every piece of celluloid suckitude he's ever been involved with.

But to leave out THAT particular scene, where the most despicable character in the movie goes unpunished in the original, is editing stupidity of such a stunningly extraordinary magnitude that I've actually kept it locked away in my memory, i.e., vault of searing, burning anger magma, over 15 years now.

Oh sure, they can waste time showing Happy taking on Bob Barker, who never even met his fucking grandma, but somehow forget the one dickweed who hurt his grandma the most?

It could be a fucking 'Care Bears' movie for all I give a shit, but to leave out such a simple conclusion to a feature-length antagonistic pain-in-the-ass plot complication character - now that's more ignorance than even I can stomach.

Posted by: abliac at September 3, 2010 9:53 PM

Sigh. That video was completely satisfying. I feel like I've taken two Valium. Thanks jeremy!

Posted by: southwer at September 4, 2010 5:50 PM

I’d love to say that I? learned a usefulthing today. Please , non-stop writing.

Posted by: Michael Gentile at January 20, 2011 12:50 PM

Pajiba

Pajiba: Reviews, Commentary, Angst

Thanks A Lot Toad, Now I Don't Like Vaginas Anymore

Comments