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One Of My Favorite Actors Will Have The Privilege Of Kicking Timothy Olyphant's Fine Fine Ass Up And Down Apalachia

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (36)

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So I pre-ordered the new iPhone 4S the other day, and I have to say I was a little dubious about the voice-activated personal assistant, “Siri.” But now that I know she’s programmed to make Hal and “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” jokes, well, it may be too early to say, but I’m pretty sure she’s going to be my best friend. (/Film)

But I’ve read enough science fiction to know I shouldn’t let her discover my Achilles heel. So don’t tell her about my crippling fear of heights, okay? That fear made me sort of gulp at this woman who scaled the Great Wall of China in order to avoid paying an entrance fee.
(Blame It On The Voices) That gulp was followed by a sort of choking noise at this story of a group of Xtreme hot-tubbers. Oh, you hard-hatted douches. (Laughing Squid)

Then again, I’ve got a weak stomach. I couldn’t even read Dustin’s most recent post on Uproxx about the Ten Most Disgusting Meals In Cinematic History. Read it and report back, okay? (Uproxx)

True hipster darling Miranda July (she eats Zooey Deschanels and Greta Gerwigs for breakfast) wrote a charming piece in “The New Yorker” on shoplifting. (The New Yorker)

Speaking of free things, MovieLine is giving away a copy of Tree of Life to the best ten word review. Mine goes something like this, “Dinosaurs rawr, no seriously, why are there dinosaurs? Sean Penn.” (MovieLine)

Speaking of large beasties, archeologists have discovered a Kraken fossil. Or a Cthulhu fossil. Or, quite possibly, The Godtopus itself. (Physorg)

Neal McDonough, one of my all-time favorite but not quite famous yet actors, will be squaring off against Timothy Olyphant in this next season of “Justified.” I couldn’t be more delighted. It’s a glare-off! (Warming Glow)
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Somebody who loves me made a TARDIS out of balloons. (Live Laugh Love Listen To Heavy Metal)

Speaking of lovable, “Movies On The Radio” is streaming the music of Pixar in honor of Steve Jobs. (Movies On The Radio)

You like observational humor? What about observational humor from the perspective of a backwoods Christian fundie? (Snide Remarks)

Hey, what’d y’all think of that Spanish Hotel-California-y song in the “Breaking Bad” finale? Bad ass, right? It’s from the Taalbi Brothers, and they’re like 12 years old. That one kid doesn’t even look old enough to be watching “Breaking Bad.” (Dave Chen)

As a nod to the wholly unnecessary The Thing prequel, io9 has a list of Which Ten Classic Sci-Fi Fantasty Movies Must Never Have A Prequel. I’ve got that list too. It looks like this: “All of them. Ever.” (io9)

There’s something really sweet about this photo essay of old school superhero costumes. (How To Be A Retronaut)

This Live-Action Voltron short is far more hilarious than it has any right to be. NEVER QUESTION THE LOGIC OF VOLTRON.

Finally, I almost didn’t post this, because I wasn’t sure how many of you were NPR nerds like me. But if you are, and you want to hear a fairly decent Ira Glass impression, some naughty but clever Teri Gross editing and some heavy breathing, then hit that play button.









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Comments

NEAL WILL BE IN JUSTIFAAAHD? AH MAH GAH. I PREDICTED THIS. HOW CAN THAT BLUE STEEL NOT BE IN KENTUCKEH?

Posted by: Nadine at October 12, 2011 1:14 PM

MYKELTI AS WELL?? OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE MY DREAM FUCKING SHOW. MORE SO. All I need now is William Fichtner to get cast as Tim's former CO* or some shit and I am SET. FOR. LIFE.


(*with whom Tim has a hot sexy affair)

Posted by: Nadine at October 12, 2011 1:21 PM

I never knew whow T. Olyphant was despite all the heavy breathing on this site. Then I saw a last-season episode of The Office and then a photo here a few days ago.

Oh. OK.

He's kind of smarmy looking. Like a douchey frat boy who knows he's cute but... he's still a douche.

I just committed Pajiba Heresy, didn't I?

Posted by: klingonfree at October 12, 2011 1:38 PM

I love NPR. Diane Rehm has been on vacation for two weeks and I miss her. *sob*

Posted by: pxilated at October 12, 2011 1:40 PM

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't find that Miranda July column charming at all. I had no opinion of her, but now I dislike her.

And yes you did commit Pajiba Heresy! I only ask that you watch some Justified before dubbing Olyphant a douche. That's never even crossed my mind. He's very easy to like.

Posted by: Mel C. at October 12, 2011 1:44 PM

But Joanna, without prequels, there'd be no X-Men: First Class!

(Oh. Hm. DAMN YOU FASSBENDER.--JR)

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at October 12, 2011 1:45 PM

klingonfree:

He's supposed to be smarmy on The Office. Rent Deadwood and then get back to me.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 12, 2011 1:46 PM

X-Men is a classic sci-fi movie now?

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at October 12, 2011 1:48 PM

I just committed Pajiba Heresy, didn't I?

Keep it up!

Hey, heavy breathing gets dull anyway, doesn't it?

Posted by: Jay at October 12, 2011 1:55 PM

so let me get this straight, if you're a true hipster (none of this zooey poser shit), then it's okay to steal as long as it's part of he growing up process... but if you're old and on wall street, stealing is bad? am i getting this right Joanna?

Posted by: Greg at October 12, 2011 1:55 PM

I wouldn't say classic, but she said, "All of them. Ever." That seemed like a general anti-prequel sentiment.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at October 12, 2011 1:56 PM

"Rent Deadwood and then get back to me."

This. If you can watch Deadwood and/or Justified get twitchy in your undiepants (in a good way), well, then, God have mercy on your soul.

Posted by: Ghisent at October 12, 2011 1:59 PM

That Miranda July article just makes me hate her more. She stole from Goodwill? Then pouted because she lost her job for stealing a shirt for an "ungrateful" friend? Bitch please. Stop trying to be so quirky and unique and grow the fuck up.


Ahem. Sorry. She bugs me to no end.


Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 12, 2011 2:10 PM

But she did it in an adorkably way, Mel!

Posted by: Jay at October 12, 2011 2:43 PM

I will never think of Ira Glass and Terri Gross the same way again. Also, Ira Glass looks like an old lesbian.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at October 12, 2011 3:00 PM

I think I'm having an aneurysm. Neal McDonough, Mykelti Williamson, and Timothy Olyphant are all going to be on Justified together?

*bits knuckle to fight back squeals*

I need to go lie down. I feel faint.

Posted by: Lipton at October 12, 2011 3:00 PM

I had kind of given up on Neal McDonough for bit there. But, it's been awhile since he's had a meaty role like this and in something I'd actually watch, so I hope he really brings it.

Posted by: jM at October 12, 2011 3:22 PM

I just committed Pajiba Heresy, didn't I?

You are fine, klingonfree. The church of Godtopus is made up entirely of heretics.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 12, 2011 3:23 PM

Here is a list of the TV things I have watched (all on DVD): The Sopranos, True Blood, The Office (every last one of them Dwight Shrute is my soul mate-ish); Freaks and Geeks (*genuflects*), Hamish MacBeth; The Vicar of Dibley, Dr. Who.

That's it.

So I need to add: Deadwood, Justifaahd, and ...I'm taking suggestions...I don't know who this Fassbender fellow is...

Posted by: klingonfree at October 12, 2011 3:55 PM

Here's my Olyphant issue and it is, I feel, deliciously idiosyncratic: I don't find Olyphant attractive because the space between his nose and upper lip is too large and fleshy.

I do think he is so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in him for a month.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 12, 2011 4:21 PM

Miranda July seems to have no redeeming qualities at all, unless you count her willingness to wear a transparent dress at 19. Otherwise, she's an idiot.

Posted by: TheOtherGreg at October 12, 2011 4:30 PM

Is that Ira Glass playing Pidge in the Voltron video?

Posted by: Sara Tonin at October 12, 2011 4:33 PM

Mrs Julien, I call that Lion Lip and I LOVE it. Mr Klingonfree has it. I LOVElovelove it.

Posted by: klingonfree at October 12, 2011 4:35 PM

Well, that worked out well then, didn't it?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 12, 2011 4:42 PM

ooooooooh Lion Lip. I agree it can be unattractive on some folks, but Olyfantastico and mrs klingonfree wear it well(One I can see, one I am told)

I always felt liek Leona Lewis has the lion lip but her cute new nose has balanced it out.

But so seriously are people working on the Bill Fichtner thing? Are we making that happen?

Posted by: Nadine at October 12, 2011 5:39 PM

Wow! Just when I thought I had matured to the point where I could deal with the nose that was never fixed after a break in primary school and the fact that my teeth are tetracycline-tainted, a whole new appearance-related neurosis has just been born. Now if I ever meet Mrs. Julien in person I shall be so self-conscious of the space between my upper lip and nose, I shall have to spend the entire time posing a la The Thinker.
Thanks a heap Mrs. Julien. My fetally-coiled body salutes you from this dark corner over here.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 12, 2011 5:39 PM

Oh, PaddyDog and Mrs. Julien, let's give you something else to obsess over: when the bridge of one's nose is excessively large/high and actually causes one's upper lip to appear to "pull up", which I guess is called an "overprojected tip":

So many things to obsess about, so little time.

Posted by: MM at October 12, 2011 5:56 PM

Wow, Vincent D'Onofrio is looking pretty svelte in that header pic.

Posted by: bleujayone at October 12, 2011 9:09 PM

I actively avoid anything Olyphant is in because I hate his face so much. I'm not sure if it's the fleshy part or something else, but it makes me extremely angry. I almost, *almost* feel bad about how much I hate his face but then it keeps showing up everywhere.

Posted by: Monica at October 12, 2011 9:41 PM

The most eloquent thing I have to say regarding the Miranda July article: "The fuck?"

Posted by: Amanda6 at October 12, 2011 9:57 PM

That Miranda July article is disgusting.

Posted by: Lauren at October 13, 2011 2:10 AM

Yeah, I didn't get that either.

It's not so much that she was a thief, it's her strangely unrepentant tone. "I stole, and I got caught a few times, it was fun, then I quit"

There's no narrative there. She's not sorry. She's not advocating stealing, or saying why it was ok. She's just telling us.

We're not her therapist, so I don't really get it. And it does not paint her in a good light.

Posted by: Ender at October 13, 2011 7:18 AM

There's no narrative there.

Well, that describes Miranda July's movies in a nutshell, so the similarity to the rest of her life isn't surprising.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at October 13, 2011 11:16 AM

Mrs Julien: I am creeped out by Penelope Cruz b/c from certain angles she appears to have almost NO space between her upper lip and her nose, which I find way worse than too much!

Posted by: SCG at October 13, 2011 11:18 AM

There were four brief essays on shoplifting in the New Yorker, and Miranda July's was by far the weakest. BY FAR. The others are pretty good, though -- particularly the one by Patti Smith.

Posted by: jimbob at October 13, 2011 12:29 PM

Love your site, good job!

Posted by: Jay Banger at November 24, 2011 6:47 AM