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Newt Gingrich Cites Love of Country As The Reason For Cheating On His Wife. I Call Dibs On The Porn Parody Title "Patriot Games."

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (32)

newt-gingrich.jpeg

So I came to a realization today when cooking this particular Pajiba Love stew. Did you know most Link Wenches and Love Masters on other sites don’t read or even skim the articles they link to? My gob! She is smacked! I thought I was supposed to read the entire internets for you! Enough is enough! My skin craves sunlight! From now on I’m going to follow in this man’s negligent footsteps and just read headlines. What could possibly go wrong? (F*ck Yeah Headlines)

Actually, in order to make the whole process as painless as possible, I may start noshing something like these gourmet pot brownies on particularly rough mornings. I guess the fancy chef hired to make these put pretzels on top as a concession to “The Munchies.” Uh, dude, I know from personal experience that The Munchies come much la-I mean. Um. I KNOW NOTHING. I DIDN’T INHALE THE BROWNIES BUT IF I DID I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE MY COUNTRY SO VERY MUCH! (The Awl)

All the pot brownies in the world will not help me unsee this man with 82 tattoos of Julia Roberts’s face. (NY Mag)

It’s a sad day for the Wisconsin unions and while the populist in me is tempted to sharpen the stabbing end of my picket sign and head towards Madison, I was interested to read Ezra Kelin’s Op-ed in the “Washington Post” about how this speaks to the democratic process in general. Food for thought, yeah? Mmmm, brownies. (Washington Post)

So, my adorable electorates, one thing we can learn from The Troubles (pretty much sans violence!) is that educated and conscientious voting is extraordinarily important. I know you knew that, but tell a friend! The spin has already started for the 2012 Presidential race and Newt Gingrich’s excuses are particularly endearing in their preposterousness. (Vanity Fair)

One man with a healthy respect the democratic process is the Dalai Lama who has announced that he will retire in order to allow the Tibetan people to democratically elect their next leader. Listen, the last person I want to knock is the Dalai Lama, but it sort of takes the ooomph out of your statement when your retirement timeline is in “the next 10 years, 20 years, some day I will go.” (CNN)

Aw, I’m going to miss the Dalai Lama. Lettuce look at an animal video to make ourselves feel better. “Link Wench,” I hear you cry, “Surely just one animal video won’t be enough.” Hmmm, how about ALL the animal videos? This site has amassed a trove of animal fight videos, my favorite being duck vs. escalator. (Maniac World)

In other awesome animal news, check out these nifty Steampunk insects made from recycled bullets. (1800 Recycling)

Gizmodo explains the physics of pruney fingers which has always been, in my mind, the weirdest thing the human body does. (Gizmodo)

Hot on the heels of bringing you some surprisingly undorky Star Wars cosplay, Unreality mag has a round-up of some of the worst “Firefly” cosplay. (Unreality)

You know, sometimes I’m tempted to whisper that “Firefly” is not the MOST amazing TV show ever made. Oh it’s great. I love it. But I’m always afraid that if I were to question “Firefly,” someone would respond by questioning the greatness of “Doctor Who.” And then I would be forced to murder them with a sharpened protest sign or an insect bullet. Point being, NEW “DOCTOR WHO” IS COMING STARTING APRIL 23rd AND HERE’S THE FIRST OFFICIAL IMAGE AND IT’S NOT THAT GREAT BUT STILL COOL JUST LIKE FEZES. (Warming Glow)

Mercedes Benz has introduced this cool concept of projecting video footage on blind corners to help drivers navigate them better. What did people do? Crowd around it and take pictures, thus obscuring it from view. Because of course they did.

I hope you have, by now, seen one of my favorite internet memes, Sassy Gay Friend. The last installment (with a “Great Expectations” theme) had an odd and jarring product placement, so I’m glad to see SGF back to form setting Nina from Black Swan straight.

Joanna Robinson would like to assure you that any spelling or grammatical errors contained herein were made because of her all-consuming patriotic fervor for Pajibaland. You can send any corrections here: godtopuswept@gmail.com or tell her about them on Twitter @quityourJRob









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Comments

Jo- you can call dibs on movie name, but porn name "Newt RingedDik" is all mine.

wait. that sounded better in my head.

Posted by: JuiceinLA at March 10, 2011 1:15 PM

But why'd you choose the site with the guy being a dick about The Doctor?

Plus he's bitching about the truth. I see people who are fans using "Dr."

That kinda thing gets people hurt.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2011 1:27 PM

Does Newt so love his country that if he gives a semen sample, he whistles "Star and Stripes Forever"?

Posted by: idiosynchronic at March 10, 2011 1:27 PM

Oh pruney fingers are not the weirdest thing the human body does.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at March 10, 2011 1:29 PM

Pruney fingers ranks pretty far down on the list of weird body things. When I was little I thought it was my body's personal bath alarm clock. "Get out of the tub. NOW."

Posted by: nosio at March 10, 2011 1:49 PM

Oh thank, God! I was getting worried a Republican candidate WOULDN'T be an old, white, self righteous piece of shit male. I love how I get older yet these fuckers stay the same goddamn age. Ancient. Out of touch. Self righteous and offensive.

Of course, maybe that crazy cult is right and May 21 WILL be Judgement Day and we won't have to worry about what is likely to be the bloodiest election battle in US history. I'm not going to place bets, but I would be amused.

Posted by: TylerDFC at March 10, 2011 1:50 PM

I see this as a continuation in the "Nailin' Palin" saga. It would be Nailin' Palin 3: Dicker of the House (since Newt was Speaker of the House).

Posted by: Fredo at March 10, 2011 1:52 PM

That's what I love about those Republican Congressmen, man. I get older, they stay the same age. Yes they do, yes they do.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 10, 2011 2:01 PM

pruney fingers which has always been, in my mind, the weirdest thing the human body does.

Not even close to true. In college I would sometimes lay near my boyfriend's naked lap, blowing cool air on his balls and watching the skin move. It was so absolutely hypnotic and foreign to me.

I might have been drunk.

I'm excited to see how @JKCorden ("The Lodger") is involved in the new season. He tweeted this yesterday:
"As soon as we finish filming Doctor Who tonight me and Matt Smith are gonna drink Tigerblood and get vajazzled."

Posted by: Patty O'Green at March 10, 2011 2:23 PM

That kinda thing gets people hurt.

Can't we all just nerd along? Super Man, Spiderman, Bat-Man, and Dr. Who fans, unite!

Posted by: branded at March 10, 2011 2:37 PM

I totally want to see a chart of candidates' marriages, fucked up kids and lawsuits with GOP and DNC broken out.

In the 90's I recall the family value GOP candidates as having 2 1/2 times more marriages than their DNC counterparts. I'm looking at you McCain, Giuliani and Gingrich...

Posted by: bananapanda at March 10, 2011 2:38 PM

I'm so glad the first article was what it was today, as I was just thinking--apropos of nothing--how much I adore the current link wench as compared to the travesty that was Feist (sorry, man). Maybe it's just 'cause I'm a lit geek but Joanna, you're awesome.

Posted by: Georgia at March 10, 2011 2:45 PM

So way back in the olden days when I was living among stoners in a shared house, the upstairs stoners were having a big party and one of them had procured a very large bag of low quality weed. I'm talking about the kind of large that's measured in fractions of a pound. So after rolling copious joints and littering them about for the guests we had the great idea of making brownies too, but for some reason brownies weren't feasible, I think based on the ingredients we had on hand, and the decision was made instead of make pot rice crispy treats. So we made up giant batches, without the aid of sauteing things first, and passed them around at the party that night.

I can't tell you the pleasure I took in watching scores of dumb, nightmare hippie girls, dressed in the most ridiculous of mid-90s hippie girl fashions, trying to daintily eat these messy, green rice crispy treats, while picking stem pieces out of their teeth and gagging down the rest. Priceless. I gagged down a few myself, but definitely looked much cooler in the process. This was despite the fact that these "treats" were the worst abomination ever created, and if it weren't for the fact that we were a bunch of idiots in our early 20s just looking for a buzz they would have been dumped in the trash. It was soon after that we came up with the same kind of recipe as in the link. The infused butter is the key.

Posted by: katy at March 10, 2011 2:53 PM

Oh, Newt.

Newty, Newtling, Newt-tronic, Newt-a-licious, Newt-meister. There's just no telling what'll come out of your crazy mouth, in a Charlie Sheen kind of way. You just can't help yourself, can you?

As much fun as your Political Tourettes is, it gets old fast. I'd be ever so much more entertained if you had gone all wacky-crazy strategically. If the Republi-can'ts were getting it done this Newt-nouncement would have been on purpose. You put a decidedly non-viable candidate out there to draw fire and ire, throwing bombs and taking positions that need be said but don't want sticking to your actual contender.

No such luck. As it is so far, these guys are like 3nd graders careening around a Pee Wee League field in uniforms and pads, more cosplay for the enthusiastic parents than the real thing. I was hoping for a bit more cynicism, calculation and discipline. Come on, people at least make a game of it. I have a barrel of popcorn just waiting for things to get interesting. Don't let me down.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at March 10, 2011 2:57 PM

Rise above it, Jay. Don't make it easy for them.

Posted by: PaddyDog at March 10, 2011 3:07 PM

Newt's excuses remind me of In The Loop when Toby claims he cheated on his girlfriend because all the talk of war was making him feel anxious and he wanted to "have sex for peace." Except this is real life. And that makes me sad.

Posted by: beckster at March 10, 2011 3:09 PM

You should see what I hold in, Paddy.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2011 3:23 PM

And then I would be forced to murder them with a sharpened protest sign or an insect bullet.

Because reincorporation is the secret of great comedy, I say BRAVA Joanna!

Is it just me or do these posts just keep getting better? Do you see how they are so fantas fabulous that I am using every single HTML™ tag I know? And I mean fabulous as in the stuff of fables spun to create a cultures collective unconscious, and to keep away the wolves at bay on a mid-winters night (while someone strums a lute). The links were always ♥ worthy, but I think I might need to add a ♦, a ♣ and a ♠ as well. The writing is simply delightful.

I ♥ Joanna to ∞+ 1. She is the Pajiba Love Α and Ω.


Posted by: Princess Self Respectra at March 10, 2011 3:26 PM

OK, so it's not the most amazing picture ever, but it's been SO LONG since I've had a Doctor fix that it still sent me into paroxysms of *OMGZ*ness. Matt Smith is my Justin Bieber.

Posted by: esme at March 10, 2011 3:32 PM

Princess Self Respectra

Now come on, JoRo, no one's coming down on you that hard today. You're tougher than that.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2011 3:38 PM

Matt Smith is my Justin Bieber.

If by this you mean his appeal is confusing and over-rated, then yes, mine too.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at March 10, 2011 3:40 PM

Who you callin' JoRo? Dude, I EXIST!

Posted by: Princess Self Respectra at March 10, 2011 4:07 PM

I love the bullet insects. I have a mini-collection of little scrap-metal/wire/trash art sculptures.

That is all.

Posted by: MM at March 10, 2011 4:14 PM

Although I can see why my oleaginous sycophancy might raise eyebrows.

Posted by: Princess Self Respectra at March 10, 2011 4:30 PM

That SENTENCE raises eyebrows. If that's not JoRo it's got to be Mrs. Julien.

Posted by: Paultera at March 10, 2011 4:37 PM

I'm guessing that Mrs. Julien can't pull off HTML like that. The prodigious verbosity, perhaps, but not the coding.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at March 10, 2011 4:48 PM

but not the coding

You keep telling yourself that.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2011 5:43 PM

For unknown reasons, bath salts or bicarb soda stop your skin from pruning up. Oh, and the process has roughly as much to do with vasoconstriction as it does to osmotic water absorption.
I learned this from a book all about the background of words related to our bodies. It was called 'Carnal Knowledge' and there were pictures of semi-naked people on the front cover. I read it while I was doing some experiments at work that had lots of down-time. I mention this because one day, I left the book in the room I was doing the experiment in, and then there were some awkward conversations with my co-workers along the lines of, 'No, seriously, it's about words! Look! This entry is about that bone that sticks out from your wrist! There's no name for it in english, did you know that? No, I don't know why they put naked people on the cover, but I promise, it's about words!'

Posted by: ScienceGeek at March 10, 2011 6:38 PM

The Firefly cosplay article had a surprisingly wide variance in quality -- a number of them seemed really good, actually! I know some people ding cosplayers if they don't resemble their characters, but I think it can work, especially if the outfit's well-tailored and the person can carry themselves in a fitting way. I was expecting wall-to-wall humorless Tron-guy-style costumes, really.

Posted by: j. at March 10, 2011 6:54 PM

It is unpossible for me to love that F*ck Yeah Headlines site more.

tee hee hee

Posted by: mswas at March 10, 2011 9:22 PM

Fezes are cool.

Posted by: Seamus at March 11, 2011 2:35 AM

I could not stop reading the letters and found they were all sent messages of love with a man in a woman. I thought there must be a man who passionately loved the girl in the bus. When I read the letter, I knew the lady was. It was only a popular program presenter.

Posted by: Birkin at March 25, 2011 2:17 PM