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Michael Douglas Says Cunninglingis Caused His Throat Cancer, Plus Interspecies Marriage

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | June 3, 2013 | Comments ()


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This is a rough year for weather already. Friday evening saw the return of more deadly storms returning to tornado-ravaged Oklahoma. Fifteen more people died over the weekend in the state, and three of them were members of the Discovery Channel's storm chasers team, who were doing what they loved in El Reno. (Warming Glow)

Steve Carell dressed up as his Despicable Me character, Gru, to visit "The Ellen Show." Are you excited for this sequel? (The Mary Sue)

The rise of Grumpy Cat is truly troubling to someone (myself) who has been annoyed by this feline's face ever since you ridiculous people started posting him all over the place on Facebook. What is this cat's appeal? Seriously, someone clue me in because my kid just shoved a picture of Grumpy Cat in my face, and I'm gonna take it out on you. (Buzzfeed)

In sharp contrast, Karl Lagerfeld's kitty, Choupette, is charismatic as hell. Even more, this cat has had such an effect on her owner that Karl wants to marry her. "There is no marriage, yet, for human beings and animals ... I never thought that I would fall in love like this with a cat." (DListed)

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If you don't like cats, well, why don't you just marry this robot instead? (Videogum)

Michael Douglas has revealed that his throat cancer was (maybe) caused by HPV (acquired through cunninglingis) instead of hardcore drinking and smoking. Please forgive me for taking a too-light approach to this serious matter with the header photo of Michael's head between Kathleen Turner's legs in Romancing the Stone. I couldn't resist. (Celebitchy)

Before video games, kids used to amuse themselves by playing with the empty boxes from their parents' washer and dryer set. In the Victorian age, there was also a game called Hot Cockles. (Mental Floss)

Even Buzz Aldrin is piling on with the After Earth hate, but at least he has the cred to complain. (Slashfilm)

Kickstarter projects are being touted everywhere, y'all. Now a group is trying to raise $900,000 to create an ARIG Exoskeleton (As Real As It Gets) suit so gamers can know how it feels to be shot or punched. Ehh. (Kotaku)

Here's a strangely affectionate article on the playing career of David Beckham and the effect of his "perfectly coiffed" hair on obsessive fans everywhere. (Grantland)

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Kim Kardashian reveals that she's having a girl, and so now the countdown commences on awful female names that start with the letter K. (Vulture)

Selena Gomez is rocking the Donna Martin suspenders and cropped shirt. Just be happy that there's not a Bieber hanging off her arm. (Go Fug Yourself)

This weekend's Chime for Change aimed to raise awareness for female empowerment, but ironically, this concert was mostly about Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez dancing around with their asses hanging out. (Daily Mail)

Someone decided to replicate the Scarface balcony scene in Lego form. I'm surprised that it took this long. (Unreality)

There's a "Star Trek" episode that contains a plot very similar to The Purge. Because nothing is original. (Film School Rejects)

Finally, here's a video of Samuel L. Jackson declaring that he's quitting the lucrative field (for him) of acting to become a vigilante. He's only kidding -- Reddit put him up to this nonsense, and he's merely acting like a good sport for them.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at celebitchy.com.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • ferryman

    I don't think Mr. Douglas was very considerate of all those that now have ruined fantasies of his wife. Unless he was dining elsewhere...

  • Claire Allison

    Grumpy Cat is female, dammit!

  • e jerry powell

    I think Douglas was thinking of that specific screencap when he made the joke, in fact, so carry on.

    Karl Lagerfeld is getting scarier every day, and I don't think it's a translation problem; I think he needs food because his brain is dying.

  • The Kilted Yaksman

    Grumpy Cat is awesome. That thing Lagerfeld is holding might as well be a big wad of cotton balls.

  • Don Juan de Markup

    I would have gone with this picture instead.

    The fact is that 64% of oral head and neck cancers come from oral sex so Michael Douglas is in the majority of cancer patients. According to a study published in 2011 having 6 oral sex partners increases your risk of oral cancer 800%.

  • BWeaves

    Michael Douglas looks like a demented hobbit in that header photo.

  • Shit, for $900000 I will gladly shoot and/or punch curious gamers. Hell, I'll do it for $90 if they want it that bad.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    So ... oral sex is bad for you? ... and smoking and drinking is not?... okay, well I guess that's okay...

  • BWeaves

    Ah, the good old days. I remember playing conkers around Christmastime. You'd find a nice conker (chestnut) and drill a hole through it and put a piece of string through the hole. They you took turns smacking your conker into someone elses. (That sounds way dirtier than it is.) You won if the other person's conker broke apart.

    I loved playing elastics. You took a long piece of 1/4 inch wide elastic, maybe 10 or 12 feet long and sewed it end to end into a circle. Two girls would stand face to face about 4 or 5 feet apart and put the elastic around their shoes (sort of like the beginning of a cats cradle). The rest of the girls lined up and the leader would do something with the elastic with their feet and everyone behind would do the same. When it got back to the leader again, the girls would move the elastic up to their ankles. The leader would do the same move and then add a second move. Each round, the elastic moved up several inches and more moves were added. If you failed to remember the routine or did it incorrectly, you took the place of one of the girls holding the elastic around their legs. The elastic went down to the bottom again, and the girl behind you became the new leader. It was fun, good exercise, and there were no winners or losers.

  • disqus_rCJTTYmkV8

    You were easily amused.

  • BWeaves

    Don't knock it until you've tried it. At least I got exercise with my mindless games.

  • denesteak

    Empowerment means that women should be able to wear whatever the fuck they want -- leotard or sweat pants -- without people slagging them off and questioning how strong they are. If a man wears a wife beater to perform or a parka, nothing would be made of it. Perhaps this is also why there will never be a male empowerment concert.

    Personally, I hate the word empowerment. I live in NGO land, and they are always throwing these terms around -- like female empowerment and good governance -- it's so redundant. Well, and pointless as well, because it's NGO land and change is never effected here.

  • phase10

    I understand your point, but what does it mean to be empowered in this context anyway? To me, they're saying "I'm taking the power from men of objectifying my body and doing it myself". Does it matter if it was their own decision to do it or not? It seems like they're still feeding the social conscious an image that's not to different than what "men" would produce.

  • Captain D

    Since when did the word "nonsense" become an acceptable substitute for "tomfoolery?"

  • Ok, the "Old Ways Kids Entertained Themselves" article made me laugh out loud more than anything I've seen in weeks.

  • bleujayone

    Top 10 Kim Kardashian-Kanye West Hellspawn Baby names;

    10.Kryptonite
    9. Kumbaya
    8. Kudos
    7. Kooties
    6. Koochie Koo
    5. Kleopatra
    4. Katchoo
    3. Klondike (Kanye's suggestion)
    2. Kumquat (Why should GOOP have the only fruit-based child?)
    1. Kalium.... Wait...what? (K the Periodic Table of Elements otherwise known as Potassium)

  • The Kilted Yaksman

    Kthulhu.

  • Wasn't Katchoo that floating green alien from The Flintstones? I would not be at all surprised if that kid did end up being named Kleopatra.

  • That was Kazoo.

    Katchoo was the name of a character from the comic Strangers in Paradise. One far too awesome to be associated with the likes of those two.

  • bleujayone

    You're both wrong. It was the Great Gazoo.

  • kirbyjay

    No, it was Kazoo. That was about the time that Fred and Wilma jumped the prehistoric shark.

  • bleujayone
  • AvaLehra

    The RtS photo is pure WIN for this post.

  • McHatin

    Pretty sure Mike is just trying to sex-up his cancer and keep whatever image he thinks he has. Same reason he opted for no surgery and no feeding tube. He must have had some bad-ass doctors though.

  • McHatin

    But I do believe that his cancer was caused by HPV and not "smokin and drinkin".

  • indarchandra

    The Micheal Douglas quote about "the best cure" is nutty enough, but that picture is straight up creeping me out.

  • Cunninglingus? Are you sure about that spelling? Or is that what they call it when the lady gets her hooha eaten by The Trickster?

  • foolsage

    I'm pretty sure Cunning Lingus is an Irish airline for smart people.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm certain several of the Eloquents would be happy to describe themselves as Cunning Linguists.

  • Personally, I've always been more of a Master Debater.

  • BWeaves

    Win, win, win. You all win.

  • foolsage

    They're not mutually exclusive.

  • Robert

    You know what else has a plot similar to The Purge? Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery." The crazy people in masks are only attacking because, as the trailer shows, they one child lets the mark into the fortified mansion.

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