Listen, Woman, You Can't Be Drop Dead Gorgeous AND Charming AND Talented

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (44)

Happy Monday my little Seacrests and Griffins! There was an awards show last night! People won things! For your snarking convenience, Celebitchy has a round-up of the best-dressed ladies. Do you agree with their choices? I, for one, didn’t think I’d live to see the day ol’ Helena “I Brush My Hair With A Badger” Bonham “Or At Least Something In The Weasel Family” Carter would end up on a Best Dressed List. (Celebitchy)

Christian Bale won last night, right? Cool, that’s all the feeble excuse I need to bring you Bale and Dr. Wilson jitterbuggin’ their way through WWII. Don’t worry, Newsies fans, I’ve got something planned for Oscar season.

Stanford has conducted a study which claims that people are, on the whole, saddened by and envious of their friends’ witty facebook statuses and glossy photos. My advice? Collect some boring acquaintances to fill your newsfeed with limp sandwich-related statuses and proclamations of love for Dinner For Schmucks. Works like a charm. (Slate)

I did, however, feel jealous of Seth and Dustin’s adventures at Sundance. You can read a round-up of their reviews here and then compare it to Cinema Blend’s list of distribution deals. Wooohoo! Fox Searchlight purchased Martha Marcy May Marlene! That means we all get to watch it too in, like, six months to a year! (Cinema Blend)

Ah, the internet, a place where you can find in-depth analysis of the issues that TRULY matter. (Wikipedia)

You won’t be surprised by the preponderance of Chev Chelios on this list of the 16 Worst Ways To Be Killed By Jason Statham. I think, however, the entry from Revolver takes the prize. (NY Mag)

Composer John Barry passed away yesterday at the age of 77. You may not know the name, but you’ll know the music. My favorite Barry score is Out of Africa but Bleeding Cool has a far more masculine tribute here. (Bleeding Cool)

Some scientists are trying to grow meat in a lab. You know, from scratch. It disturbes me when plots from “Better Off Ted” become actual headlines. (Yahoo)

Please do read through this entire article so you don’t miss the most genteel and polite Superbowl trash talking session of all time. Yea verily, advance you Packers! (Post Gazette)

Speaking of trash talking, did you know my San Francisco Giants won the World Series last year? They did. I won’t shut up about it until the next World Series. Neither, of course, will our eccentric hometown hero, Brian Wilson, who went on George Lopez’s show acting like some douchier version of Zach Galifianakis. Yet I still like him. Such is the power of the beard. (With Leather)

In non-douche news, Rhod Gilbert, a truly charming and adorably accented Welsh comedian, recently donated his entire five-figure fee to the Berkshire Cancer Centre. If you haven’t seen Rhod’s comedy, you should first check out this bit he does about luggage and then read this heart-melty story. (BBC)

When I did that list last week of Loathsome Actors in Lovable Roles, I completely neglected one of my favorites, Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. Hey man, you may not want to watch this awesome rap of the film’s entire plot, but it’d be a whole lot cooler if you did. All right, all right.

And dazed and confused is the precise state of mind I was in when I watched this footage of Mars set to some trippy Eastern beats. Enjoy.

Joanna Robinson is an aunt now!! That’s what I like about you Pajibans, I keep getting older, but you stay the same age. All right, all right. godtopuswept@gmail.com

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Comments

I thought there were a lot of gorgeous ladies in gorgeous dresses at the SAG awards, waaaay better than the Globes. I think my favorite looks were Natalie Portman, Tina Fey, Sofia Vergara, Lea Michelle and Hilary Swank.

Posted by: Even Stevens at January 31, 2011 1:20 PM

Hmmm, mayhaps it's time to grow a beard. Verily?

Posted by: The_wakeful at January 31, 2011 1:21 PM

Your prose today, it defines Committment to Sparkle Motion. Yea verily, it does.

Posted by: Ian at January 31, 2011 1:23 PM

I've found that, rather than hiding people that get your goat, which is just like putting a lid on a simmering, clattering pot until you just HAVE to go and look, is hiding individual posts. It makes the process more proactive. "Oh, is that right? FUCK YOU!"

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011 1:41 PM

I'm calling foul to the art-betting article.

"In Pittsburgh, we believe trash talk is bad form," Carnegie Museum's Lynn Zelevansky said in a statement. "We let the excellence of our football team, and our collection, speak for itself. It will be my great pleasure to see the Caillebotte from the Milwaukee Art Museum hang in our galleries."

This woman is clearly not from Pittsburgh nor has she every been there. Stop making quotes up for your article, Post-Gazette reporter.

Seriously, I just had a ton of Onion articles headlines come to mind just based on that quote.

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 1:54 PM

... nor has she EVER been there.

is what I meant to say.

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 1:56 PM

Steelers Nation says "whaddaya mean 'WE'?"

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011 1:56 PM

Honestly, the only way this quote can even be journalistically ethical is if it was revised to say this:

"In Pittsburgh, we believe trash talk is bad form," Carnegie Museum's Lynn Zelevansky said while trying to hold back laughter as the rest of the museum staff smirked. "We let the excellence of our football team, and our collection, speak for itself" – she stopped at this point as she gasped for air from laughing so hard – "It will be my great pleasure to see the Caillebotte from the Milwaukee Art Museum hang in our galleries."

Onion headlines:
Steelers Nation Pledge Respect in Upcoming Super Bowl
After Steelers' Loss, Fans Share Beers with Packers' Fans
Terrible Towel's Terrible Reputation Revamped with New Name: Cordial Hand Cloth

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 2:04 PM

Packers Fans Declare Super Bowl Miracle – No One was Mooned!

Seriously, I could do this all day. Fuck the Steelers.

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 2:06 PM

Steelers Nation Commended for their Super Bowl Behavior

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 2:15 PM

I do like the city of Pittsburgh, maybe I can get another girlfriend there, but it's hard for me to root for anyone in the Super Bowl as I'm so disappointed in its yellowness.

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011 2:17 PM

Rhod Gilbert in full flow is a majestic sight.

"In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off."

It warms the heart to know that, aside from being side-achingly funny, he's a fine human being too.

Posted by: Simon at January 31, 2011 2:18 PM

Does anyone else like to think of dazed and confused as the childhood story of Tim Lincecum?

Posted by: Mike at January 31, 2011 2:21 PM

Mike, YES.

Posted by: coveredinbees at January 31, 2011 2:22 PM

Jay, my general default stance in pro football is "Anyone but the Steelers." I could absolutely not care about a game until I find out that the Steelers is playing then I will start rooting vehemently for the Other Team.

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 2:31 PM

Now you know how I feel about Georgia Tech.

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011 2:34 PM

Note: The Pittsburgh museum had to place a bet with a museum in Milwaukee because if they actually bet with a "museum" in Green Bay, it would be "It will be my great pleasure to see the mangy deer head that Ed and Tom shot and mounted last year" hanging in our gallery.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 31, 2011 2:35 PM

denesteak, sweetheart, your bitterness is just palpable. Show me on the dolly where those big bad Steelers touched you, honey. There there, it'll be alright.

Posted by: sugabooga at January 31, 2011 2:51 PM

John Barry just wrote soundtracks for movies. I'm sure it paid his bills, but in terms of music quality and innovation, it's worthless dreck. Of course! It's a movie soundtrack!

However, for those of us who pay attention to music, a real composer also died this weekend: a little guy named Milton Babbitt, whose music influenced everyone from soundtrack composers like John Barry to ambient to jazz to electronica.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Babbitt

so the C- for Barry obit and the attempt at sounding like you know what you're talking about. :P

Posted by: Hater Jonny at January 31, 2011 2:53 PM

It's truly a bummer about Babbitt. I'm familiar with his work, and can hear his influence all over the place.

However, Hater Jonny, if that is your real name (it probably is) I didn't catch a whiff of pretension or in the know-ness from her blurb. It read to me, "here's this guy, he composed lots of stuff you might recognize, like this piece I'm rather fond of. Here's a link."

A Plus on the enlightening bit on Babbitt,
F Minus on the handsome straw man you've created to look superior to someone.

Posted by: Ian at January 31, 2011 3:04 PM

Does anyone else like to think of dazed and confused as the childhood story of Tim Lincecum?

Dear figgy, this gem had better be in the next EE, or you'll never see your precious Hamm again.

Posted by: branded at January 31, 2011 3:07 PM

Joanna, as a guy who loves to see Bale dancing, thank you for bringing up Newsies as well. I thought i was the only one around here who loved Bale in his younger and more gloryful era of Little Women and Newsies. Now I know there are people out there who actually have good taste in Music. THANK YOU JOANNA ROBINSON. YOU FRACKING ROCK!

Posted by: Lordninja at January 31, 2011 3:11 PM

but in terms of music quality and innovation, it's worthless dreck.

Putz

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011 3:19 PM

I love you, Joanna, for remembering the "growing meat" episode of Bette Of Ted (boo! to its cancellation) but I take it back for liking Brian "The Douche Tool" Wilson.

Posted by: JapJay at January 31, 2011 3:20 PM

...You Can't Be Drop Dead Gorgeous AND Charming AND Talented

Well unless you write Pajiba Love. (I swear that sucking up sound you're hearing is my vacuum cleaner.)

The Pittsburgh version of history is on display in the airport. Two figures greet you as you exit the terminal to go claim your bags, both equally important in the rich culture and history of western PA. They are Franco Harris and George Washington.

Posted by: L4NkYb at January 31, 2011 3:23 PM

...in terms of music quality and innovation, it's worthless dreck.

How on earth you can talk while you're sitting down, I have no idea. Why don't you scurry back to whatever little pretentious muso-club you crawled out of.

And don't you dare come round here having a go at Joanna. She is awesome. You are not.

Posted by: Simon at January 31, 2011 3:28 PM

I detest Christian Bale and look forward to screaming incoherently* at the TV when he wins an Oscar.

*Point of Clarification: Although the words will be both loud and incoherent, you may assume they are obscenities nonetheless. I may also lob small objects. We'll see how I feel in the moment.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 31, 2011 3:32 PM

sugabooga, the origins story of my Steelers hatred actually is interesting, and not just a "I dated an asshole from that city!" story. (Though ex-lovers definitely have a justification for sports hatred.) I used to work at a bar where the owner was a HUGE Steelers fan. He declared his bar Steeler territory, so every Sunday, I had to serve hundreds of drunk assholes.

Now, if this isn't enough to make me mildly dislike the Steelers, the owner also had raging anger management issues. Whenever his team lost, he would take it out on us by bitching about our pour amount or saying that not immediately charging a customer is considered us stealing from him, or not placing the candle at the "right" position on the bar tops. No actually, I wished he just bitched about it - He would full-out scream at us at the bar, berate us in front of customers, because of these stupid, miniscule issues. So for the year that I worked there, I started rooting for the Steelers, not because I liked them or was converted, but just so that I didn't have to put up with the screaming/yelling/cursing in front of customers.

After a year working there, I quitted, and thus began my life-long hatred toward the Steelers. Because every time they lost, I knew that my former boss is hurting somewhere. And I want him to hurt bad.

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 3:40 PM

For those in need of a lift after the not very pleasant interjection of 'hater jonny', may I recommend John Barry's theme to Out of Africa.

It is simply gorgeous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGl0xQ7tCuU

Posted by: Simon at January 31, 2011 3:45 PM

Please stop pet-naming/Lady Gagaing Pajibans.

Posted by: Kate at June at January 31, 2011 3:53 PM

denesteak, while I understand where you're coming from, your hatred of the Steelers is entirely unfounded. Hating them because you hate some horrid people who happen to be their fans is like saying you hate all vegetarians because Hitler was one. Yeah, perhaps that wasn't the best analogy, but I'm typing this on the down-low at work, so it's the best I could come up with on the fly. For the record, I am not a "drunk asshole", nor do I have anger issues, and I would wager a vast majority of Steelers fans are more like myself than the trolls you have encountered.
It's alright though, us Steelers fans are used to blind hatred from all who are envious of our SIX MUTHAEFFIN RINGS, BITCHESSSSS. Much like the Yankees (which, screw them, right?), it is our cross to bear as Winners.
Haha, forreals though, I'm just joshin'.

Posted by: sugabooga at January 31, 2011 3:56 PM

Former Steeler Fan.

No longer. Roethlisberger and other Steeler fans ruined it for me. They're getting like the most rabid of the Red Sox fans now. I can't take it. I moved AWAY from Boston after college and the stupid crazed sports fans followed me home.

Posted by: Kate at June at January 31, 2011 4:04 PM

"...in terms of music quality and innovation, it's worthless dreck. Of course! It's a movie soundtrack! However, for those of us who pay attention to music, a real composer also died this weekend: a little guy named Milton Babbitt, whose music influenced everyone from soundtrack composers like John Barry to ambient to jazz to electronica."

First, Hater, if you want to get technical, (because after all, we pay attention to music, right? )the soundtrack is typically music not made specifically as an audible cue for the film. The score is original music meant to accompany and enhance the film itself. John Barry wrote film scores, not soundtracks. The best example defining the difference would be the original Batman movie from 1989. You could buy the soundtrack, which featured Prince, or you could buy the score, which was by Danny Elfman.

They were both packaged almost exactly the same, and many a customer came home expecting to rock out to Batdance and Trust, and instead were met by some killer brass and the now immortalized Elfman theme.

Second, while Babbitt's music is certainly genius work, which, as you claim, undoubtably influenced scores (*rimshot*) of composers, his foray into electronic music and composing in the early 60's was undoubtably influenced by electronic music pioneers, Bebe and Louis Barron.

Most notably, their all electronic film score to Forbidden Planet in 1956. The first of its kind.

Posted by: Some Guy at January 31, 2011 4:11 PM

Damn you, sugabooga, your rational logic is confounding my hatred!

Seriously though, I just want my former boss to hurt inside. My hatred is driven by that very simple wish. I'm not like a real sports person where I know stats or number of wins (nor do I care). I just like the immediate knowledge of knowing that my ex-boss is somewhere being unhappy. I know, hateful and vindictive, but a year of screaming obscenities at me in a crowded bar will help foster that side of me.

Meh, the Yankees, I could leave or take but I'm a Mets fan, so I kinda dislike the Braves. (And the Phillies, of course, but if I gotta pick and choose between two teams to hate in PA area, I just gotta go with the Steelers.)

Posted by: denesteak at January 31, 2011 4:15 PM

You be careful, denesteak. All of that bitterness and hatred will eat away at your soul, little by little, until you are naught but an empty shell of a man (or woman). And then there will be no. turning. back. (!)
Believe you me, I speaks from firsthand observation. Yessiree.

Posted by: sugabooga at January 31, 2011 4:28 PM

I hereby declare "a score of composers" to be an official collective noun.

Well played, Some Guy!

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 31, 2011 4:33 PM

...in regards of the Sofia Vergara photo...

I was not, until now, aware of my ankle fetish. Thank you Ms. Vergara, for making it quite apparent.

I'll be in the part of a multi-person sleeping arrangement device that has been assigned for my use.

Posted by: No Pithy Name at January 31, 2011 5:45 PM

As far as I am concerned, Brian Wilson can go an suck on Tom Arnold's asshole. The guy is such a douche. He's come to think that he's so cool he always has to be ironic or random. I never thought a hipster could play baseball. I thought they were always too busy trying to collect old pairs of Pumas, or trying to develop a pillow fighting league in some shitty squatter's apartment in Brooklyn.

This guy has become a characature of himself. Sure hope his shoulder doesn't explode like a pigeon filled with alka-seltzer...cuz gosh-oh-me-oh-my that would be tragic.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 31, 2011 6:06 PM

Oh no....no no no you didn't Hater Jonny. I hate to get all bitchy in the comments but you, sir, said the wrong thing.

First off, while I will admit that John Barry is not my favorite film music composer (that title has been bestowed upon Ennio Morricone) he did some beautiful work on Dances With Wolves, Hanover Street and the already mentioned Out of Africa.

And do not diss the film music. It is one of the most integral parts of the film experience. It motivates the film narrative and manipulates the audience in beautiful ways. I will defend film music until my death. I live it and I breath it...mostly because I go to school for it.

Um. So there.

Posted by: citizen_cris at January 31, 2011 6:34 PM

Well, alright. I have no idea who the hell that is, but FINE. Don't touch my Hamm.

Posted by: Figgy at January 31, 2011 6:47 PM

I am pleased to see such spirited defense of John Barry. I'm unashamed in my adoration of the score for Dances With Wolves. Also, The Lion in Winter is on my top 5 list, so I've spent a lot of time with Mr. Barry over the years.

I was going to follow up with a comment conflating Milton Babbitt and Kitaro wanking, but I decided it wasn't necessary to denigrate a type of music just because it's not my favorite.

Also, isn't this primarily a FILM site? Or did I stumble onto Tape Op by accident, hater?

Posted by: Young_Grandma_Ben at January 31, 2011 8:12 PM

You know, I saw the header picture and headline for this column today AT LEAST one thousand times, and I JUST NOW realized that it's Sofia Vergara and not Denise Richards. I blame JoRob for her use of the phrase Drop Dead Gorgeous, which made me think of the movie, and (ergo) think that the photo was Richards.

I am so smart, S-M-R-T!

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 31, 2011 9:43 PM

That gif is GLORIOUS. I can't wait to see what you have planned for the Oscars!!

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 31, 2011 10:43 PM

Steelers Nation says "whaddaya mean 'WE'?"

Posted by: Jay at January 31, 2011
---
You have the vernacular all wrong.

"Whatta yunz mean 'WE'?"

FTFY.

Posted by: , at February 1, 2011 11:00 AM

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Listen, Woman, You Can't Be Drop Dead Gorgeous AND Charming AND Talented

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