If I Just Start Throwing Money At My Monitor Will They Make This Movie?
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

If I Just Start Throwing Money At My Monitor Will They Make This Movie?

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | August 1, 2012 | Comments ()


Does it even matter what this poster is for? You're already balling up your singles and chucking them at the screen, aren't you? Well it's a fan poster for a movie based on some video game I've never played nor even heard of. It's one of several in this post (Natalie Portman in Portal?? Okay!) and I'm on board for most of them. (First Showing)

What's the rule to getting out of labyrinths? Keep one hand on the left wall? Make the Goblin King your love puppy? Actually I think I'm in no rush to leave this particular labyrinth made from 250,000 books. (Colossal)

This link is very "inside baseball" so feel free to move along. But as a movie blogger I am fascinated by all the info oozing out about Deadline founder Nikki Finke. She's sort of been a canker on the *ss of the Internet for a long time but was too powerful for anyone to really say so. But the tide has been turning and this in-depth description of some of her more outrageous antics must be the writing on the wall...mustn't it? (Vulture)

Speaking of wall writing, many thanks to the lovely Alison for sending me this muy highbrow link about some graffiti found on the walls of Pompei. An example? "Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men's behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!" (The Nation)

(That's just the tip of gayberg in today's Pajiba Love. Brace yourselves.)

Effervescent joyous news palate cleanser. One of my favorite filmmakers, Cameron Crowe, has recruited Emma Stone as he lead in his new project. That's just too much sunshine for one film. (THR)

Don't you wish they could have done this cute Pixar alphabet without a single Cars mention? Well at least my favorite (the criminally underappreciated A Bug's Life) gets some play. (Laughing Squid)

Did you know that there's a Mars landing this week? What is this, some sort of Olympics counter programming? Savvy, NASA. Very savvy. (The Mary Sue)

"Breaking Bad" creator Vince Gilligan has often joked about the number of bald dudes on his show. But here's a rundown of how hair loss relates to badassery/evildoing on that show. I defy you to keep a straight face when you get to Hector. (Uproxx)

Despite the fact that he's getting TV offers left and right, Dan Harmon remains very cranky about "Community." Publicly, volubly so. Which means he's learned, ah, nothing. (Warming Glow)

You know how you people love ragging on The Daily Mail and their sh*tty reporting? Well one of our brilliant commenters, denesteak gets to do that for a living. Read her fantastic "b*tch please" response to this sensationalist piece about slave labor and Adidas. Well done, chica! (Global Post)

If you've never seen Airborne (one of my guiltiest pleasures), do yourself a favor, grab a bottle of your favorite whatever and drink every time you see a ROLLERBLADE product placement. A young Seth Green and Jack Black at their finest, brah. (Unreality)

(Okay, here's where this becomes Pajiba Gay Love. Get out now if you're not into that sort of thang.)

Author and screenwriter Gore Vidal passed away yesterday. He was an amazing writer and my favorite Vidal moment is the segment he shot for the brilliant documentary The Celluloid Closet wherein he talks about the gay subtext of Ben-Hur. Watch that doc, if you haven't. Vidal was an incredible artist and a fantastic human being. He will be missed. (MovieLine)

Lana Wachowski (of The Matrix fame) made her first appearance post sex change operation and, in my opinion, her hair looks rad. (Geeks Out)

Finally, Patty O'Green sent me this AMAZING Wilson Phillips cover about Chick-Fil-A. Normally I'm not into this sort of thing (this sort of thing being cheesy covers), but this one got me.

Joanna Robinson already apologized for that Olympics spoiler yesterday but, in case you missed it, SORRY.

11 Crappiest Movies of Steve Zahn's Career | 5 Shows After Dark 8/1/12

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Dinglinlin


  • denesteak

    Also, I love Fillion, but the background used for the poster, coupled with "Uncharted," sadly reminds me of that atrocious short-lived ABC show, Off the Map. The Wonder Falls girl was in that mess...

  • denesteak

    Thank you for the link plug, Joanna!

  • googergieger

    You've played Uncharted? Or just that big a fan of Fillion? Anywhoots, Eve poster looks bad ass. L.A. Noire video game was basically already a movie. Awesome one at that.

  • annoyed

    I've got the perfect Uncharted cast!

    Nolan North


    Nathan Drake

    Richard McGonagle


    Victor Sullivan

    Emily Rose


    Elena Fisher

    Look at her!

  • Tinkerville

    As someone who has had the misfortune of having to speak with Nikki Finke's "people" (as an intern, no less), that Vulture article is pretty fantastic. She's only powerful because Hollywood's scared of standing up to her antics.

  • Jim

    Lana W's hair has a "Franka 'Lola' Potente" think goin' on - it's cool.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I like the EVE universe (although I never really played the game), but that is one movie that wouldn't work on any level.

  • John G.

    Uncharted is a great game. It's as close to "playing" a movie as I've ever gotten. Even people who don't like video games will like it. Nate Drake, the protagonist, is basically exactly like Nathan Fillion. There is no one on Earth better suited to play him. There are many people I could picture as Sully, though, maybe John Slattery?

  • Irina

    I saw the header poster, scrolled down to see if it's a full body pic, sighed and said "Five years ago, those pants would have been a lot tighter".

  • And I

    Just turn Halo 3: ODST into a live action movie with its existing voice actors:
    Nathan Fillion
    Tricia Helfer
    Adam Baldwin
    Alan Tudyk
    Nolan North (aka the current voice of Nathan Drake in Uncharted)

    Bonus points for causing Browncoats to giggity all over themselves.

  • This link is very “inside baseball” so feel free to move along.
    I literally thought that was going to be an article about baseball so I almost skipped it. I think I need to go back to bed and start the day over.

  • Fredo

    “Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!”

    Sick burn, bro.

  • Nadine

    Ermagerd I LOVED Lana's hair, she looks so fierce and so much fun.

  • BierceAmbrose

    You can't have The Captain for your video game knock off movie until he starts his run as Travis McGee.

  • Is that a real thing? Please say it's a real thing. I would spend all the moneys to see it in the theatre, even if they made every single book a separate movie. Heck, especially if they made every book.

  • BierceAmbrose

    OK, it's a real thing.(*) During the yearly hiatuses (Is that right?) from Lets Put Fillion On Camera Doing Anything, (With Guns), he's gonna alternate Travis McGee movies, one per book, with Firefly mini-series of 4-6 episodes.

    (*) Sadly, totally not real, but it should be. That was my random act of kindness for the day. Best I could manage. I'm not good at the whole kindness thing.

    An open letter to The Best Joey Ever:

    Dear Captain,

    Love you in All The Things, and you have a gift for bringing the smarm like no other. Especially love your career story about leaving the soaps before getting stuck there forever. BUT, charmer movies, recurring parts, then Firefly and what do you do? You get yourself trapped in a lightweight procedural, wanna-be soap that runs on your charisma (plus the two women who play the family - awesome. Can we make the show "Castle Hangs Out with Moms & The Kid?"

    You're trapped in a soap in Hollywoodland.

    A journeyman series pays the bills & builds your name recognition, so on hiatuses you can do ... whatever the hell you want. Read Harlan Ellison's resignation from SFWA - he said it better. TAKE THEIR MONEY, then go do what you want. Joss did it with both I Wanna Make a Musical Again and Shakespeare At My House, OK Guys? We celebrate his artsy-fartsy-ness but did you notice, on all those movies and rewrites he dislikes HE TOOK THEIR MONEY. It bought that house you guys filmed in.

    You don't have to wait around for Joss to call. You can even instigate things and maybe even invite him.

    Look, My Captain, you're possibly the most likable and charming leading man working in HollyWeird, but dammit, could you put aside being all well-adjusted and grateful long enough to get a bit greedy? Or artist-y? Or even bored? Could you maybe want to "make a statement" a little? Or stretch? Or any of the eleventy-billion other pseudo-motivations that the douchey artiste types claim drive them (vs. sheer ego.) Sheer ego would be OK. Do that, if that's what it takes.

    Really, sir, I don't care what kind of character flaws you need to get there, just please get there. There's an army of fans who would watch you in anything. They're keeping warmed over precinct-meal on the air doesn't mean they don't want more, or better, or both. There's even, I imagine, a gaggle of writers, directors & producers who would work with you in a heartbeat and aren't Joss Whedon. So, you don't have to wait for him to do his next thing.

    Better yet, pool your sheckles and do it together, you and Joss. Have Mutant Enemy grab the rights then produce the bi-annual McGee flick. Joss doesn't have to direct. He could produce and co-write, or just drop in on the writers' room when he feels like it. It's not like there's a stable of off-camera brilliance who would literally besiege the place to play in that sandbox. Oh wait, yes there is. Then look at the pool you could draw from as cast for each film.

    While I like your work in everything, you are perfect for this part in which most would be awful, horrible, and bad. McGee is complex, a vagabond wastrel with his own moral code - sound familiar?, yet the scraping by is buried vs on the surface. He's physical, but only at need. He has the anger & harmfulness of Caleb, but tinged with remorse the minute he goes there. He's funny, perv-y and deceptively smart. Travis McGee is mercurial on the surface with a pretty steady center. We're talking layers and layers of acting challenges here.

    It's material you deserve, and that deserves you. So, please let it tempt you. Until then, I remain

    Your servant,

    - BierceAmbrose ("How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?")

  • toblerone

    Nathan Drake should be played Chris Pine. PERIOD. If you have to someone else then should be Nolan North.

    No Walberg, No Renner, No NO NO!

  • Kiddo

    Its funny that Tom Tykwer is involved. Could that be why Lana is rocking some badass Run Lola Run hair?

  • The graffiti is awesome! VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1824: Let everyone one in love come and see. I want to break Venus’ ribs with clubs and cripple the goddess’ loins. If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?Teenagers.

  • the_wakeful

    How about we just stop making movies about video games I love, and call it a day?

  • TK

    This. Times infinity.

  • lowercase_ryan

    and you really should play Uncharted

  • lowercase_ryan

    Oh. I went back and read your words. I'm not-excited by this. I don't appreciate your ruse ma'am.

  • bleujayone

    Be careful. The last time someone made an awesome fan-made Green Lantern movie trailer starring Filllion. It got millions of hits and fanboys everywhere wanted to it to become a reality..... a reality that starred the wrong Canadian and sucked low-tide choada.

    Be careful what you wish for because the film faeries often think they know better than you do and you'll end up disappointed and left in your bunk with only your better fan-made fantasies to self-console yourself.

  • emperorcupcake

    Joanna, you have won me over with Airborne. I love that movie.

  • lowercase_ryan

    oh please fucking god Fillion is PERFECT for Drake. pleeeeeease!!!

  • Rocabarra

    I saw a few of those video game movie posters elsewhere, and one had cast Brad Pitt as John Marston in Red Dead Redemption. That would be the single worst casting choice of cinematic history. Ever. I will now try and find the link.

  • Rocabarra

    Aha, good old Uproxx! http://www.uproxx.com/gammasqu...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Tom Hardy as Kratos? I would totally buy that.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That book labyrinth is based on Jorge Luis Borges' fingerprint. Extra classy points.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I hope the Mars lander touches down on Olympus Mons.

  • Groundloop

    Tee hee! You said "Mons".

blog comments powered by Disqus