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I Thought Shia LaBeouf's Droopy Dangler Was the Most Traumatic Thing On the Internet Today, Then I Heard Ron Swanson Sing

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | June 18, 2012 | Comments ()


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How many of you quit on "The Killing" after that disastrous first season finale in which the murderer of Rosie Larsen was not revealed? Don't worry, I got your back: Here's what happened in last night's second season finale, as well as the identity of Rosie Larsen's killer(s). (WarmingGlow)

NOT COOL. A former "NYPD Blue" writer was arrested for fatally punching his poodle in the face. I'd like to see that motherfucker try that with a Doberman. Or better yet, A GORILLA. (NYMag)

If that's not enough to ruin your faith in humanity, this should do the trick: Some asshole vandals destroyed a LEGO project a disabled man had been working on for years. I hope he gets restitution in the form of major life karma. (Uproxx)

The man who plays the 11th Doctor, Matt Smith, is making a movie about a coupla Olympic rowers, and if you thought it was impossible for Mr. Smith to not look sexy, you were wrong. (The Guardian)

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You like pie charts? YOU get a pie chart. YOU get a pie chart. EVERYONE gets a pie chart. (Unreality)

This is a few weeks old, but the pie chart link reminded me of my favorite Venn Diagram of all time.

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The AV Club explores the humor of "Parks and Rec" with its showrunner, Michael Schur. (AV Club)

A couple of Charming Potato's old stripper pals are accusing Tatum of ripping off their life experiences for Magic Mike, which seems to suggest a major misunderstanding of how movies work: Charming Potato didn't write the movie. In fact, Charming Potato can barely spell or complete sentences that are not written for him. (FilmDrunk)

I was attempting to read J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan to my four-year-old last week when I realized that 1) he's not nearly old enough for it yet, 2) I'm not old enough for some of the language, and 3) editing out the racism became an impossible chore. Thanks to the NYTimes, however, now I know how to read a racist book to my kids. (NYTimes)

Celebitchy asks about Emma Stone's photospread for Vogue: Busted or Beautiful? officially becoming the first celebrity blog on the planet to suggest that busted was a possibility when it comes to Emma Stone. (Celebitchy)

Do you want to see Shia LaBeouf's flaccid penis? Let me answer that for you: NO. Do you want to see the new Sigur Ros music video? Only if you like great short films and amazing music. (The Superficial)

You've taken the Nic Cage memes TOO FAR. (Buzzfeed)

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Here's something to help you get over the shock of seeing LaBeouf's down-low: Chris Hemsworth in a wet suit. I'm pretty sure that guy could look svelte in a pair of assless low riders and a sweater vest. (DListed)

In case you didn't believe that "Breaking Bad" could be more haunting, you can check out this "BB" montage set to Clint Mansell's Requiem for a Dream score, but only if you like the way it feels when your soul shrivels. (Slashfilm)

Brian Salisbury indicts Alien vs. Predator and brings it up on felony charges for the wholesale slaughter of your brain space. (FSR)

Jesus Christ, John Mayer. Wash your hair, put on a decent outfit, and act like you know, son. Have some respect for the people whose field of vision you occupy. (GoFugYourself)

Buzzfeed has compiled a list of Anderson Cooper's sassiest tweets, in case you needed another reason to love him. (Buzzfeed)

What's worse than Shia LaBeouf's flaccid wang? Ron Swanson's singing voice.




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • chanohack

    I was about to ask, "What's with all the sad links, Dustin," but then Thor.

  • Kala

    I sat through most of that Sigur Ros video just for Shia's penis, simply because I am endlessly fascinated by penises, and there isn't enough random penis shots in the world. Penis. Penis.

    If you keep saying it, you'll be astounded at just how mindbogglingly insane that word is.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I think my girlfriend would be deeply disturbed by that behavior, so I'll pass.

  • googergieger

    Which one is your video game writer again? Cause you guys need to talk about the awesometastic Metro:Last Light trailer.

  • barlowjk

    I don't wanna be like that, but actually the best Venn diagram of all time was the Simon-and-Garfunkel-themed one on HIMYM.

    On the left? Breaking my heart. On the right? Shaking my confidence daily. And where the two meet?

    Cecilia.

    Why haven't they made that into a poster that I can purchase?

  • barlowjk

    Oh. No posters, but Cafepress has a number of T-shirts, onesies and tote bags.

  • PDamian

    Matt Smith is sexy only when in motion. His appeal is all in his expression and his moves. Still photography does nothing for him.

  • Noo

    Matt Smith and Benedict Cumberbatch are the same in this respect. When they are both moving you just can't help but be intrigued.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Because when still he looks like nothing so much as an Easter Island monolith?

  • athena23

    "I’m pretty sure that guy could look svelte in a pair of assless low riders and a sweater vest."
    Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    The only problem with Matt Smith as a rower is that he does not look like a rower at all. He is much to thin, i.e. not muscular enough, especially when he's supposed to be qualifying for the Olympics. The only place for him in a boat would be as coxswain.

  • Tinkerville

    Okay, listen. If you're going to post so many depressing links when I'm already having an awful day, I demand you break your "no cute animals" rule. Yin and yang, Dustin. You make me even sadder with the lego vandalism then I want baby sloths and kittens and I want them now.

  • celery

    Sadly it seems that today there is no win, only wang.

  • Luke

    Speaking of Ron Swanson...does anyone besides me watch MAD cartoon show on CN? Because Ron Swanson rode a TRex this last week

  • Threenineteen

    I don't understand...Matt Smith looks like that all the time.

  • John G.

    So, these strippers thought charming potato was stealing their stories. Did it ever occur to them that their stories are just so cliche that some pale, fat screenwriter who's never seen a male stripper or daylight can just make it up and it's accurate.

  • hapl0

    So that's how Rosie died. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz...

  • Thijs

    Traumatic? Really? It's just a totally normal, flaccid penis.

    This penisphobia has got to stop, Dustin.

  • Thijs
  • Shia looks like the human manifestation of the dry, silent fart I left in my girlfriend's sofa last night.

  • Bert_McGurt

    On the plus side, Matt Smith's a shoo-in for the inevitable Where's Waldo/Wally film in 2014.

  • branded_redux

    I’d like to see that motherfucker try that with a Doberman. Or better yet, A GORILLA Dennis Franz's ass.

  • Claire

    That lego story is tragic--I live in Jackson and it was really heartwrenching to read about the destruction in today's paper.

  • Irina

    Don't get me wrong, I totally love him as The Doctor, but Matt Smith is so weird looking, I find it odd whenever he DOES look sexy.

  • linny

    Rowing mooovie! Crew, represent! (I rowed starboard in college.) So exciting. I mean, the last movie we had that even sort of had a handful of rowing scenes in it was Social Network, with the Winkledouches.

  • Patty O'Green

    I rowed starboard in college
    Doesn't everybody have that phase? That's what my roommate said, at least...

  • bleujayone

    I haven't see a Dick that sad since the first Darrin Stephens was forced to resign from the cast of "Bewitched".

  • Melody Be

    :(

  • JStrokes56

    That Venn Diagram is wrong. The arrow points to With AND Without-You. With OR Without You would actually include both circles.

  • THANK YOU! My inner geek was twitching something awful over that.

  • blackmarket

    Right, so the place of intersection is actually the only place Bono CAN live.

  • Basement Boy

    Dang! Now I feel dumb for laughing at it a coupla weeks ago, but you're correct!!

  • Mark

    Shia is no Fassbender.

  • Nobody's Little Weasel

    He's probably a grow-er, not a show-er.

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