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I Think Ian Somerholder Is About To Eat Grumpy Cat

By Courtney Enlow | Pajiba Love | March 12, 2013 | Comments ()


ianstardarsauce.jpg

GOOD. Get him off my news feed already. /decidedly Grumpy Cat response

Hi chumlies. Did you know that there's a Sliding Doors universe in which Timothy Olyphancypants starred in Practical Magic instead of Go? Because in real life he got fired. On one hand, thank Godtopus because we have him in Go. On the other hand, I REJECT THIS REALITY because now I'm picturing him dancing around a table and loving every second of it. (Uproxx)

The Vatican owns a big gay bathhouse. I'm good with this. (NYDN)

Ever think, "Spotify is just not understanding my delicate snowflake brain and anticipating my moods?" Don't worry. Because these headphones will. They will actually read your mind and play a mood-appropriate song. (Geekologie)

Longing for the days when MTV played nothing but videos? TOO BAD, YOU'RE OLD AND DEATH AWAITS YOU. But for those of us who reject sweet death and still desire videos, we're in luck. Vevo is going to give us just that. (AdWeek)

This love letter between two gay WWII soldiers is making it rain on my face. (Upworthy)

Ever wondered what it would look like if Tim Burton made "Game of Thrones"? Well, now you have your answer. (Unreality)

Even more likely, ever wondered what it would look like to see lobsters having sex? I KNOW YOU HAVE, YOU PRE-VERT. Well, now you have your answer. (BoingBoing)

How good is this lawyer? So good that his ad runs next to his own mugshot. Some might call it an ad-fail. Depending on what kind of market he's trying to reach, I call it an ad-win. (AdFreak)

This is Tom Hardy holding a pitbull puppy / your emotional genitals. (Celebitchy)

"A New York City police officer was convicted Tuesday of charges he plotted to kidnap and cook women to dine on their 'girl meat'." (Salon)

Finally, meet the new Old Spice guy. He doesn't have the abs, but he does have the bite. Mr. Wolfdog is Old Spice's first non-human Chief Director of Marketing. Boom. You've been seduced by his marketing.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Kballs

    Girl Meat = Worst nickname for a vagina. Like, ever.

  • e jerry powell

    Did you not see the "Labia Majora" episode of The L Word?

    Here's everything, for your edification: Burnt curtains, wiff-waff, clit, c*nt, pussy, beaver, twat, down there, nether regions, private parts, naughty bits, no-no, lady parts, it, peeper, punani, front-bottom, pretty pink pearl, yoni, tongue-trap, bald man in a boat, breakfast of champions, munchbox, wee wee, ha ha, hoo hoo, mimi, f*ckhole, calc*nta. Get a hot beef... The lips between the hips, furry monkey, smurf crease, bearded oyster, bikini biscuit, cooter, cherry pie, cat flaps, cha-cha, hairy goblet, grand canyon, fish taco, cream collector, goodie bag, box of assorted creams, honey pot, dugout, love mitten, mermaid's purse, skeeky/skeezy, pink velvet sausage wallet, nonny, ham wallet, coochie, sweet spot, power slot, foo-foo valve, pork shutters, bermuda triangle, grab hole, squeegee, vertical smile, vessel tube, monkey's chin, chewbacca, panty hamster, roast beef sandwich, camel toe.

    "Camel toe. That's so generic."

    It was, like, a good three minutes at the end of the episode where the girls were sitting around the table at The Planet running off a list of euphemisms for their girly bits. (And of course, this was the episode that immediately followed "Lacuna," featuring Gloria Steinem, playing herself; surprisingly, Eve Ensler wouldn't make an appearance until five episodes later.)

  • Kballs

    The worst thing I've heard is Nappy Dugout, which I believe was popularized by Ice Cube 20+ years ago, but some of these are . . . well . . . Pork Shutters is just fucking hilarious.

  • e jerry powell

    That lesbians would refer to it as a "sausage wallet" kind of flummoxed me.

    Growing up in the Texas Panhandle as I did, and spending more than a fair amount of time at the Ranching Heritage Center as I also did, the next thing that flashes to mind is half-dugout.

    Fun with Free Association!

  • So nobody's gonna comment on the juxtaposition of cannibal cop and Wolfdog's "Sometimes, you just gotta eat people"? Fine, I'll do it.

    Careful Wolfdog...someone just went to prison for that very thing...

  • Mrs. Julien

    That letter was beautiful and crushing. Thank you.

  • "Sometimes you gotta eat people, America. That's how business works."

    I think I just found the slogan for my 2016 Presidential campaign.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Longing for the days when MTV played nothing but videos? TOO BAD, YOU’RE OLD AND DEATH AWAITS YOU.

    that's probably the funniest thing I'll read all day today.

    also: I'm old. (so old I just hope that VH1 plays videos; I dare not even *dream* MTV will)

  • e jerry powell

    I'm older than you, and the only things even remotely appetizing about anything MTV Networks anymore are "Daily Show," Drag Race, and 1G5G (of which I am deeply ashamed because it sets gay rights back about forty years).

    I can remember day 1 of MTV like it was yesterday. I miss Martha Quinn and Mark Goodman.

    Mark Goodman is 60. Martha Quinn is 53. J.J. Jackson died at 62 nine years ago. Mind blown.

  • emmelemm

    I also remember day 1 of MTV like it was yesterday.

    /runs off to buy one of those pre-arranged cremation packages

  • David Sorenson

    I downvoted this for making me feel old. You're a bad person.

  • e jerry powell

    And older than you. ;-)

    (FWIW, Kevin Powell -- RW Season 1 -- is two years and change older than me, and as such, the oldest RW alumnus.)

  • e jerry powell

    In fact, just because I was wondering...
    They have clearly aged out of the MTV demographic.

  • Three_nineteen

    Good heavens, don't look at them. Listen to them on Sirius - probably the 80's channel.

  • e jerry powell

    Lobster sex is why we have Animal Planet.

  • e jerry powell

    Well, archbishops and cardinals need to steam it out once in a while, y'know?

  • The Kilted Yaksman

    Tardar Sauce, aka Grumpy Cat, is a she. She is my spirit animal.

  • John W

    Is BoingBoing a euphemism for sex?

    Doesn't matter I get all my lobster sex needs fulfilled at www.crustaceasndoingit.com, 19.95 a month or 69.95 a year. The link to shrimping tiger pistol style will blow you away.

  • e jerry powell

    ANIMAL PLANET.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I just...I'm at work, I can't click but...what the...is that real?

  • David Sorenson

    It's real, and it's spectacular.

  • Kelly Anne Williams

    The Game of Thrones thing actually looks more like if Aubrey Beardsley had not died tragically young in the 19th century and had instead lived to be 140 years old and had designed the costumes for Game of Thrones. Which is a thing that I really wish had happened, now I'm thinking about it.

  • BWeaves

    Sorry Old Spice, but you will forever remind me of itchy mosquito bites, because my Grandpops used to put Old Spice on my itchy mosquito bites, and it BURNED, oh how it BURNED. Smell memory is very unforgiving.

  • Kala

    Holy crap. I am so sorry. For everything.

  • emmelemm

    Oh, Courtney, you've outdone yourself with the Pajiba Love today.

    Grumpy Cat AND Tom Hardy with a puppy? Timothy Olyphant telling charming stories? Telling me I'm old and near death because I Want My MTV (the original flavor) back? Gay WWII soldiers?

    I love you, girl.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Headphones that big should be able to read my gd future.

    I'm just going to go through these one at a time...

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Yes, Grumpy Cat. I understand your need to not be next to Ian Somergreasy's face.

    TOM HARDY YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT TO US. Put that puppy down. STOP KISSING IT. RIGHT NOW.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Also: I thought the Vatican WAS a big gay bathhouse? If not I'm totally opening a big gay bathhouse called "The Vatican BGBH"

  • Bert_McGurt

    I think Trey and Matt need to send Big Gay (Pap)Al on a trip to the conclave.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Old Spice's marketing firm has their shit together and holy wow do they get the internet.

  • Gavin Smith

    Giving Grumpy Cat an unwanted snuggle is on my bucket list.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Giving Ian Somerhalder an unwanted snuggle is on mine.

  • e jerry powell

    Ian Somerhalder has nice balls.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Girl meat is the best-tasting human meat, what with the added sugars and spices.

  • e jerry powell

    Cardamom, cumin, and turmeric. Perhaps a little cayenne pepper in there, too. And fresh cilantro and ginger.

    Don't judge me. I've been cooking a lot of Indian food lately.

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