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I Hope You're Happy, James Franco, You're No Longer My Favorite Quirky Soap Star. That Honorific Has Been Restored To Dr. Drake Ramoray.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (37)

franco_drag.jpeg

Hello my crumpled gowns and deflated hairdos. My crushed dreams and trampled hopes. My discarded neckties and creased cumberbunds. My-no, you’re right. I should have stopped four endearments ago. So the Academy Awards were pretty dreadful, right? Salon has a great piece on Franco’s apathetic display. (Salon)

Oh, also, my little seat fillers, I was promised a Hathaway/Franco homage to Grease! And I didn’t get one! Because they cut it! But then I watched it this morning and I understood why. Hint: It’s not good. (NY Mag)

There were moments during last night’s show, in fact, when I would have preferred to be watching that TV channel that only plays a chicken on a rotisserie. I’m serious, there is a TV channel that only plays a chicken on a rotisserie. Magnifique. (Warming Glow)

Speaking of mesmerizing fowl, someone has charted the likability of the different types of Angry Birds. I don’t play this game, so I really don’t get its appeal. But, then again, in a world where there is a TV channel that only plays a chicken on a rotisserie…anything is possible. (The Laughing Squid)

Also inexplicable to me is the fact that a) that film about a killer tire was written, produced and made and b) the new poster is kind of an awesome throwback and I want one. (Apple)

This is one of those visual jokes. One of those “wait for it” jokes. One of those, maybe I drank too much champagne at the Oscar party last night, my doves, and that’s why I found this so amusing jokes. (The High Definite)

But all the champagne in the world couldn’t dull my fury last night when that no talent hack, Randy Newman, walked away (left foot, right foot) with another Academy Award for his loathsome brand of musical schlockery. I was so mad I wanted to rip a telephone book in half. Thanks to io9, I now know how to. (io9)

As my 30th birthday draws ever nearer, I’m looking forward to no longer being tormented by these monsters of my twenties. Though, I fear the Dragon of Disorganization may be here to stay. (Thought Balloon Helium)

You know who else is here to stay? The protesters in Madison, WI. The police refused to kick them out of the capitol building and have stated that, if the protesters conduct themselves as they have been, none of the them are in danger of being arrested. Groovy. (Huffington Post)

If it weren’t frigid in Wisconsin, I would advocate that all of the protesters don their shortest shorts because, apparently, the back of the upper thigh is the newest, freshest way to get your message across. (Geekosystem)

Speaking of upper thigh, Jimmy Kimmel, in his infinite witchery, conned some of the hottie boombalattis of Hollywood to appear in this faux workout sketch. Abandon class, all ye who enter here. I’ll say this a) Scarlett Johansson exhibits more comedic chops in this one sketch than she did in an entire episode of SNL b) Emily Blunt is wonderful and adorable but needs to not be blonde anymore c) sometimes I find myself liking Jessica Biel d) this is never true of Jessica Alba e) Sofia Vergara is the most beautiful woman on the entire planet except for my girlfriend Kate Winslet (who is not in this video but is always worth mentioning).

And if scantily clad ladies aren’t your thing, here’s a great video of and auto-tuned George Carlin. I know, it’s hard to improve on the perfection that is George Carlin, but this is pretty boss.

In the words of one of my favorite snarkmouths, “I don’t know which is harder to say: ‘Two-time Oscar-winner Randy Newman’ or ‘Tony Award-winner Scarlett Johansson.’ They’re both ridiculous.” Disagree? Let me know here: godtopuswept@gmail.com or follow me once more unto the breach @quityourJRob.









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Comments

I still want my cat name Miss Chanandler Bong.

As my 30th birthday draws ever nearer...

I thought women just celebrated their 29th birthday for eternity. I guess you learn something new everyday.

The Wisconsin police are bad ass mofos.

BRING BACK JACKMAN!!

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 28, 2011 1:37 PM

BATMAN! I choked on my lunch over that. I accept apologies in the form of beer and pretzel brittle.

Randy Newman, walked away (left foot, right foot)
Again with the choking!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at February 28, 2011 1:38 PM

At one point during last night's telecast, as I watched poor Anne Hathaway valiantly struggling against the (not-in-any-way-sexy) turgidity of James Franco, I had a flash to classes I had taught where everything fell flat and I just couldn't get any energy going as I flailed away desperately at the front of the room. It was a horrible feeling and it took a while to get over the embarrassment. I know the pain of that happening in front of 12 people. Anne Hathaway was watched by a billion. I felt so sorry for her. I think she actually would have been better off alone. Then I think, maybe every time she gets to full of herself, the universe sends her boyfriend to jail or gives her a global mortification to keep her in check. Perhaps it was all for the betterment of her character: an object lesson if you will.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 28, 2011 1:46 PM

Hee. That Chicken thing is such a Liz Lemon thing to watch. You know she'd enjoy it while working on her night cheese, or eating some Sabor de Soledad.

Also: It's probably more entertaining than Franco was. That was a disappointment to the universe.

Posted by: figgy at February 28, 2011 1:46 PM

That was a lot of sexiness and desperation in one video. And Jessica Biel! Being likable! What is happening?!

Posted by: Marcela at February 28, 2011 1:47 PM

The phrase "Oscar winner Trent Reznor" is breaking my brain today.

Posted by: TylerDFC at February 28, 2011 1:54 PM

Speaking of Trent Reznor, I won over Mr. Julien by singing "Bow Down Before the One You Serve" as Ethel Merman.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 28, 2011 1:56 PM

a) Scarlett Johansson exhibits more comedic chops in this one sketch than she did in an entire episode of SNL b) Emily Blunt is wonderful and adorable but needs to not be blonde anymore c) sometimes I find myself liking Jessica Biel d) this is never true of Jessica Alba e) Sofia Vergara is the most beautiful woman on the entire planet except for my girlfriend Kate Winslet (who is not in this video but is always worth mentioning).

There is not a single untruth in this entire paragraph.

Word.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at February 28, 2011 2:02 PM

Trust me: the Leviathan of Lethargy only grows more powerful with age.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 28, 2011 2:05 PM

I am so fucking disappointed. I was rooting for you, James. I was rooting hard. The first five minutes held promise, but apparently you couldn't keep yourself from hitting the bong or something, because the next two and a half hours consisted of you looking mildly distracted and sleepy, while Anne kept flailing around, desperately trying to save that sinking ship.

Jesus wept.

James, you have only proved once again that I am easily duped by men. I fall for what appears to be their clever ways, only to be shock and awed by their complete mediocrity and lack of sensitivity. Yet somehow, I always turn out to be the wounded party. James, it's over.

Now give me back my key and quit eating all of my goddamn Cap'n Crunch.

Posted by: Kaleena at February 28, 2011 2:24 PM

How come the links don't open in a new tab anymore?

Posted by: Jadine at February 28, 2011 2:34 PM

I have thought for a long time now that Mr. Franco may have a little heroin problem.

Posted by: Jadine at February 28, 2011 2:35 PM

Ah, so they were "honored". The sad thing about Jezebel is that they will never be able to see their own hypocrisy.

Posted by: figgy at February 28, 2011 2:54 PM

Oops, wrong thread again. I need to stop doing that.

Posted by: figgy at February 28, 2011 2:57 PM

Everybody knows why the Oscars telecast always sucks, but few people want to say it, so I will (and no, I didn't watch it last night, the copious roundups and commentaries the day after render actual viewership unnecessary):

Because the Oscars people keep insisting that the Oscars are EVENT TELEVISION, and they're not. Few people outside Hollywood give a fuck about the actual awards, and few people outside the gay community and the women who have nothing better to think about community give a fuck about the clothes.

The stupid host shenanigans (the "jokes," the skits) need to go. Any dance numbers need to go. Any musical numbers (another thing most people don't give a fuck about: Best Song) need to go. Stop with the stupid gimmicky shit already and just give out the fucking movie awards. That oughta cut it down to about 2.5 hours. Do that, and more people will watch.

Posted by: Slash at February 28, 2011 3:01 PM

De-lurking to say that the best part of Oscar night was Tom Hanks' and his daughter on Toddlers and Tiaras on Jimmy Kimmel. It's even better than the workout sketch. I'm loving Kimmel more and more everyday. Observe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPLWKBWkn3s

Posted by: beckster at February 28, 2011 3:05 PM

Auto tune has officially gone too far.(Ok, I've hated it for a while now) That was an abomination and Carlin deserves better than that.

Posted by: Paultera at February 28, 2011 3:08 PM

Are the producers behind Rubber hoping people stop reading at "A Film by Quintin"?

Posted by: schrome at February 28, 2011 3:08 PM

and few people outside the gay community and the women who have nothing better to think about community give a fuck about the clothes

At the risk of sounding too heterocrossdressingnormative, let's not ignore the executive transvestite community.

Posted by: branded at February 28, 2011 3:17 PM

That Salon link isn't working for some reason.

Posted by: Aislinn at February 28, 2011 3:23 PM

Because the Oscars people keep insisting that the Oscars are EVENT TELEVISION, and they're not.

So why'd I do a bunch of inebriated laughing and bickering with friends last night? A lot of the bickering concerned the fucks being given, as the fucks were not uniform, but everyone had a fuck to give.

Do that, and more people will watch.

Yes, it sounds like a barn burner show.

render actual viewership unnecessary

Who said any of this was necessary? Lay off the efficiency and try having some fun. Fun is a lot of fun.

Posted by: Jay at February 28, 2011 3:27 PM

Heroin? I thought he just had a shitty acting problem.

Posted by: ej at February 28, 2011 3:30 PM

Isn't this fun Jay? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't they wish they were us? I know I do.

Let's get Bitterman to take us through the Park. You know how I love the Park.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 28, 2011 4:14 PM

Life is a banquet, Mrs. Julien.

Posted by: Jay at February 28, 2011 4:25 PM

I'll get Pegeen to fix us a plate.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 28, 2011 4:33 PM

I think I have just caught a case of Jessica Biel.

Posted by: Odnon. at February 28, 2011 5:00 PM

RE Jay: "Who said any of this was necessary? Lay off the efficiency and try having some fun. Fun is a lot of fun."


Watching Hollywood stroke itself for 4 hours isn't everybody's idea of fun. But I'll take back the "Nobody gives a fuck." Obviously, some people do. Sad, but whatever floats your boat.

Posted by: Slash at February 28, 2011 5:19 PM

Ouch, Slash. Just because it's not your particular cup of tea, I really don't think engaging in a bit of lighthearted online bitching during the show counts as "sad." I'm pretty sure everybody here is aware that the Oscars are too long and over the top and rife with mutual celebrity masturbation--but hey, it provides plenty to laugh about with friends. What the hell's wrong with that?

Posted by: meaux at February 28, 2011 5:40 PM

If they must auto-tune Carlin (a debatable subject to say the least), at least auto-tune GOOD Carlin.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at February 28, 2011 5:42 PM

Well, I guess we all need to examine what's wrong with our lives now, because Slash is DISAPPOINTED WITH US.

Posted by: Craig at February 28, 2011 6:55 PM

Hanks sketch was hilarious. Hotty Body Humpilates was hysterical. Sir Mike Tyson teaching Dubya to speak eloquently was insane.

Jimmy K was the way to go last night!

P.S. Sophie Hanks is not actually Tom Hanks daughter.

Posted by: jan at February 28, 2011 7:15 PM

Speaking of Trent Reznor, I won over Mr. Julien by singing "Bow Down Before the One You Serve" as Ethel Merman.

You've won me over and I haven't even seen it. Please tell me you perform this on request? In case we ever meet?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at February 28, 2011 7:16 PM

Oh Slash, if you think my watching the Oscars is sad then you should see some of the other worthless dreck I watch. Or some of the pointless shit I do with my friends. Or some of the banal bullshit I read. I play freaking dodgeball once a week. I cook-along with videos I find on the internet.

There is no logical explanation for my happiness but I'm happy, okay, so lay off.

Posted by: becks at February 28, 2011 7:17 PM

Before you get too down on Randy Newman, keep in mind he used to write some of the funniest and nastiest satire songs ever recorded by an American mainstream artist. Songs to check out include 'Sail Away' (a moving number that, uh, happens to be about the slave trade), 'Rednecks' (self-explanatory), and a certain ditty called 'Political Science':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGO42gvCSPI

Posted by: spoobnooble at February 28, 2011 7:23 PM

Or some of the banal bullshit I read.

[whisper]Pajiba?[/whisper]

Posted by: MM at February 28, 2011 7:28 PM

Aw Slash, I used to be all - "Forget you and your populist adoration of mediocre content enjoyed within a manufactured, cardboard quality, passive social context!"

And then I met the Jibans and have pretty much decided that it all comes down to the company you keep, because these righteous fools can make anything at all fun.

I still hatehatehate sosososo much about it - "Dear God don't let the moment go for it has been a night to remember, a distinct pleasure to have witnessed, a passionate celebration that warms our hearts and minds, a veritable celebration of style and creative voice!" ...but you know. Gotta pick your battles, like.

Posted by: replica at February 28, 2011 7:55 PM

Joanna: Thank you so much for the props to Madison. The past 3 weeks has made 3/4 of the state panicked and ill... but we really have no choice but to keep up the fight.

Posted by: Hater Jonny at March 2, 2011 4:40 PM