I Bet Lance Armstrong Has Two Testicles, Too
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I Bet Lance Armstrong Has Two Testicles, Too

By Sarah Carlson | Pajiba Love | January 18, 2013 | Comments ()


Happy Friday, kiddos! I'm your host for today's Love. Let's do this.

Oprah's interview with Lance Armstrong aired last night, reminding viewers that not only does Oprah still have a network but that Armstrong is a lying liar who lies. I didn't watch, mainly because all I would have seen was Armstrong looking something like this:


I do, however, feel for those who took their Live Strong admiration to a permanent level. (Buzzfeed)

Ben Affleck has his "I'm just happy to be included at all" line down concerning his Oscar snub for directing Argo. Does its Golden Globe win make it a contender for Best Picture? (The Carpetbagger)

He'd doing better than Russell Crowe, though. Crowe reportedly has been chasing after Amanda Seyfried -- even referring to her as his "beautiful Rapunzel." God, Russell, you're so stupid! (Celebitchy)

Listen up, nerds: If you don't feel like buying your own full-size replica of Bilbo Baggins' contract featured in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, you can at least read this lawyer's detailed and in no way a waste of time analysis of said document. (Wired)

Speaking of Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings trilogy is one of several films featured in these cool "spoiler posters," which sum up movies using a few images. ... Um, E.T. went home? (Unreality)

True story: I once was evacuated from the U.S. Capitol and had to run for my life along with other journalists and politicians because we thought there was a terrorist attack. Nope -- just a plane that couldn't be identified. It was carrying the governor of Kentucky or somebody to Washington for Ronald Reagan's funeral. Anyhoo, I learned in that experience that if there really is a terrorist attack, I will be one of the ones to die because running requires energy. And if the situation happens again, there will be a new statue to hobble past in Statuary Hall. The likeness of Rosa Parks will be the first of an African American woman to be installed in the hall. Very cool. (NY Times)

The owner of this laundromat probably doesn't care about Rosa Parks because he is just racist, y'all. (Uproxx)

I think I need this mug:


I'll keep it on my desk, and when co-workers think that it applies to them I will say, "No, your screw-ups are still unacceptable." (Etsy)

Apparently, Town & Country thinks Prince Harry beats George Clooney in the world's most eligible bachelor race. He may be royalty, but I prefer a guy who knows how to fake canoodle with Amy Poehler. (Life and Style)


(That's right -- I saved numerous gifs from Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony, just looking for an opportunity to use them. You're welcome.)

Speaking of gingers, one of my earliest loves was Danny Kaye, and today marks the 100th anniversary of his birth. (Although his daughter says he was actually born in 1911 but celebrated his birthday in 1913, because why not?) He is forever fabulous, and I will kill at least one other Pajiba writer (your choice!) if any of you buy me an out-of-print DVD of The Court Jester. Get it? Got it? Good.

Finally, this video made the Facebook rounds this week, and it is worth sharing again. Mai Tais for everyone!

Sarah Carlson thinks you should be impressed she only used two gifs and embedded one musical clip in this roundup. Cute pictures of corgis will appear next time, for sure.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Arco

    YES! Thank you for the shout-out to Danny Fucking Kaye! That man should have a way bigger place in american culture. The Court Jester! Walter Mitty! Knock on Wood! The Inspector General! Gawd, my childhood...where has it gone. That man was a god to me...

  • par1964

    Gotta say this about poor old Lance Armstrong .... at least he had the ball to fess up .....

  • Bad Lip Reading made my morning, too early as it is for a Saturday. Oh, Purple Jesus, you're an adorable puppy. And, Pete Carroll, you needy, preening dick-wad. This is NFL action I'd bother to occasionally watch, except I wouldn't have to, since this here Pajiba would serve up this kind of tasty for me. Hm, your business plan is ready.

  • Danny Kaye remains one of my absolute favorites. I have DVDs of both The Court Jester and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (for a while there, I had several copies of Walter Mitty because everyone who has been my acquaintance for longer than a few days knows how much I love that movie, and that I only had a taped off the TV copy on VHS that was wearing out, so when it was briefly available, I bought a copy for myself and several family members bought one for me).

    When I noticed that The Court Jester is available to watch for free with Amazon Prime, I totally sat down and watched it even though there was a copy across the room on DVD. Because merely being reminded of it is good enough reason to watch it again.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Today, for the first time since June, I have had access to Pajiba and commenting ALL DAY. It took some nefarious efforts, but it was TOTALLY worth it. I love putting in a full day of loquacious and annoying!

  • e jerry powell

    Lest we forget, Oprah is stretching that mofo out into a two-nighter. Like we could get any sicker of ol' No-balls.

  • Quatermain

    You don't have to kill a writer, but if you promise to kill any endlessly stupid future arguments about women's costumes in comic books like they were John Connor... you'll find a DVD on your desk tomorrow morning.

  • Salieri2

    Now I've got clicker's remorse for following that grody Russell Crowe link, only to be reminded that he's in Winter's Tale. Which is a Will Smith movie. Oh God, oh God, oh God.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Aaagh. I clicked on that Celebitchy link because you piqued my interest about Winter's Tale, and I wanted to see if it was Shakespeare or Helprin. Since it's Helprin, I'm really intrigued...but damn, Celebitchy gets me every time. Every. time. I want to punch the writer of that insipid, immature gossip piece. I should've just gone to imdb.

  • Samantha Klein

    I can probably get my hands on a VHS copy, would that serve?

  • toblerone

    Oddly The Bilderbergers video pretty much mirrors the G.O.P efforts to included African Americans, Hispanics and other minority voters into their party.

    They just don't feel sorry about it.

  • I want Poehney (Clooler?) to happen so, so bad. Look at them up there. They just ooze chemistry and sexual tension. GET ON THAT, AMY.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Suck on THAT, Will Arnett. That's right, I'm still not over it.

  • e jerry powell

    From the looks of it, she's halfway on it already.

    (Okay, it's crass, but you did set it up.)

  • Scully

    Dear Pajiba Overlords,

    Hi! How are you? Lovely Friday, eh?

    I just wanted to drop a quick note telling you all JUST HOW MUCH I appreciate that these links open in new windows. My heart is filled with joy and thankfulness and rainbows.

    Thank you.
    Praise the Almighty Tenticle.


  • Sarah Carlson

    Yeah, Daniel and I are the ones who code links to open in new tabs/windows. It's not a rule or anything. You'll have to harass Dustin about it. ;)

  • Sirilicious

    Or, you could have clicked on the links with your scroll wheel.

    I'm pretty sure that opens a link in a new tab for firefox and new IE, without going there immediately.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Right click -> Open in new tab.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Not on a Mac.

  • Matt

    Command click.

  • Scully

    I Pajiba-browse mostly at work (shh!) on a computer running such old IE, your grandma would feel delighted if she saw it. Unfortunately, the right click trick doesn't offer a new tab option :(

  • Fabius_Maximus

    My condolences. I guess IE 9 can't run on that machine?

  • Sirilicious

    To avoid RSI, just click with your scroll wheel. One click is better than two!

  • Mavler


  • Return of Santitas

    OMG YES! Has this been going on for a while now and I just hadn't noticed? Pajiba has been killing it so far in 2013.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I think it depends on each person doing P.Love and how they code the links.

  • OldSchool60

    Thank you for finding another colossal time waster...
    ...'Bad Lip Reading' is freakin' hilarious!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    you should look up the Herman Cain one...

  • Natallica

    Who compiled that list of most eligible bachelors? I, for once, wouldn't choose neither an immature fuck-up such as Prince Harry or Wholesome McBoring (Tebow) to be my ideal husband. Much less Efron, who I admit would give great make-up tips

  • e jerry powell

    You assume Efron has the skills to manage the makeup on his own...

  • Natallica

    Years and years of grooming those eyelashes must have paid off: http://www.mpop.com.ar/wp-cont...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You mean "grooming only those eyelashes", do you?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    a) I am surprised how many people here apparently own "The Court Jester."
    b) For fans of "The Alienist" - Caleb Carr answered questions from fans on the NY Times the other day. I feel like I recall from some cbr that there were many fans of the book here, and his answers are incredibly candid (esp about other authors and film rights) http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes....

    c) Glenn Close is America's Helen Mirren. You know it. Just without the stupid date-rapey bs comments in her past.

  • mswas

    Thanks for the Caleb Carr link @sara_tonin00. I loved the Alienist and wish he'd written more.

  • Puddin

    Come closer....clooooser....**whispers** I think Glenn Close is, like, a billion times more talented than Meryl Streep.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    She certainly seems to be more fun.

  • e jerry powell

    Meryl Streep has only played two bit --- mean ladies. Glenn Close has played so many more, and deliciously so.

  • Kballs

    Drop the medication and step away from the pop culture . . . slowly . . . SLOWLY!!!

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Ah, a Danny Kaye flashback to my childhood! I used to listen to his LP where he told fairy tales in funny voices and accents till I wore the record out. He was a treasure.


    Hope that link works.

  • $27019454

    I am far less interested in Lancey's Aplologia Tour than I am hoping for the Greg LeMonde Schadenfreude Tour. Go Greg!!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Landis should get shirts made for each day of the week that say, "IN YOUR FACE!". I trolled for Paddy over on the Ripper Street post. [fingers crossed].

  • $27019454

    The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing. They do. Especially if you are dancing with Danny Kaye in that bitchen Edith Head-designed wardrobe. He was sofa king elegant it hurts to watch that number. So perfect. I, too, have a DVD of The Court Jester. He was just amazing.

    But please check out the difference between Bing and Danny when they are dancing in White Christmas. It's almost sad. But comical! Like a gazelle and a cow.

  • ZombieNurse

    Don't you mean Danny Fucking Kaye?

  • e jerry powell

    It rhymes so well with Laurence Fucking Olivier.

  • Kballs

    I wonder if Stacy Keibler saw her impeding break-up in that moment.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Every time I see that name I think of the daughter from My Two Dads. Why is that?

  • Funny. I think of BJ's friend from Full House.

  • e jerry powell

    I hope to God you meant to say D.J. BJ and Gibbler is just too too.

  • Heh. D.J., then. I only watched the show for Lori Laughlin. And then not often.

  • Kballs

    Kimmy Gibbler!

  • Kballs

    Staci Keanan!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Thank you. I suppose I could've looked that up, but it was just a flitting thought every time...

  • Mrs. Julien

    She's made it through TWO awards seasons. She's a survivor.

  • Kballs

    This season ain't over yet . . .

  • e jerry powell

    And Amy Poehler is just getting started.

  • Mrs. Julien

    What I hadn't realised about the Armstrong revelation, being distracted by its non-surprisingness as I was, is that he now comes off as one of the veriest pricks in Christendom.

  • e jerry powell

    What do you mean "now?" He's always been one of the veriest pricks in Christendom, Islamaburg, and Judaiaville. There were just "admirable" things about him when people thought he was legit. Strength of the human spirit and shit.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Yep, once a dickhead always a dickhead. Cancer and achievement tend to overshadow dickheadedness, but the dickheadedness was always there. Still is. And this apology culture is pathetic, even if the man was even a tiny bit sincere. Which he isn't. I've not seen a man less sincere since I looked in the mirror when I was 18 and tried to convince myself I was a beautiful and unique snowflake.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I didn't see ANY difference between the Armstrong talking to Oprah and the Armstrong on video denying all the things he has now confessed to. He's just a manipulative, possibly sociopathic opportunist who's been found out and is trying to save his own skin. I'm not even sure he understands sincerity.

    You don't want to be a beautiful snowflake anyway. You'd just end up on the Instagram of some 20-year-old photography student who's trying to make, like, a deep statement about stuff, y'know?

  • zeke_the_pig

    Decaying organic matter's the way to be

  • Mrs. Julien

    Don't each of us already have that covered? So much for uniqueness.

  • e jerry powell

    Well, you're still a snowflake.

  • Mrs. Julien

    And I think we'd all agree that "unique" is an appropriate descriptor.

  • zeke_the_pig

    bleep bloop

  • Mrs. Julien

    Before he had righteous indignation on his side.

  • e jerry powell

    I think they can treat that with Class 4 lasers now.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You're a Class 4 laser.

  • Kati

    Your *mom's* a Class 4 laser.

  • Mrs. Julien

    The Dowager Julien is actually more of a harridan or virago.

  • e jerry powell

    I wish. I'd have better eyesight.

  • Anne At Large

    That almost makes me want to give you my Court Jester DVD... No, wait. I mean, you can fight me for my glorious full-color Court Jester DVD because I will never relinquish it!

  • Lucie

    Danny Kaye! My family does Interactive White Christmas each year--our excuse to yell lines at the screen and sing along with everything--and his lines are forever-favorites. Choreography! And those PANTS!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Have you seen this on Tom and Lorenzo? If not, you are in for a treat.


  • e jerry powell

    Girl, whatchu doin' down in my 'hood?

  • Lucie

    Awww, that was pretty funny, but I just love that movie too damn much! Like when the general has no choice but to wear his uniform and he comes down the stairs as his granddaughter looks up in admiration? Or "Love, You Didn't Do Right by Me"? The genuine cracking-up of Bing and Danny as they perform "Sisters"? So golden.

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