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Hot Chick With A Douchebag: Kate Upton's Idiot Boyfriend Told Her To Lose Weight

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | October 11, 2013 | Comments ()


uptonpl11.jpg

The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. Gloria Steinem weighs in on the Miley Cyrus mess that has dominated pop culture for months. (Vanity Fair)

Frustrated with the government shutdown for absolutely any reason at all? Then feel free to take a few shots and give them a call. (Drunk Dial Congress)

Walter White’s having a methy funeral, y’all. And you’re invited. For a price. (WG)

Awwww, Robin Thicke thinks his crotch is so innocent and had no idea what was going on with all of that Miley VMA twerking. He was singing and thinking of the sky. That nastiness was all Miley, and he’s so pure. (DListed)

dogmedal.jpgThis is my favorite story of the week. A gorgeous chocolate lab stumbled into a half marathon in Indiana. He finished in 2:15. He received a medal. He got neutered. Wait, what? (RW)

The White House movie theater is pretty sweet, and the relevant factoids are even sweeter. (Mental Floss)

Norman Reedus lists his “25” things. I think it’s safe to say he’s a boob man. (Us Weekly)

James Franco’s Spring Breakers Oscar campaign continues to be hilarious. (Vulture)

Lucy Liu is perfect and flawless and impossible to cut up. End of story. (Go Fug Yourself)

A missing girl post on Facebook went viral. Turns out it’s only a movie promotion. (Film Drunk)

These 3-D renders are so realistic it’s scary. (Kotaku)

Kate Upton is currently dating Maksim “Rico Suave” Chmerkovskiy of Dancing with the Stars. He told her to lose some weight because he “loves really skinny women.” Why is he dating Kate? More importantly, why the hell is she dating him? (Celebitchy)

Oliver Stone is currently being eyed to destroy an upcoming Martin Luther King biopic. (Slashfilm)

Woody Allen has a strange public reaction to that story about Ronan Farrow’s paternity. (Page Six)

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa. She & her little black heart can be found at celebitchy.com.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Yocean

    Re: Kate Upton. Because she is young and got so much to learn.

  • I've never gotten the impression Kate Upton is the smartest supermodel in the class. Listening to a putz like that just reinforces it.

  • Emm82

    What does it say when the post was about a woman who didn't need to lose weight being pressured to do so and the comments are still about her body and not the person putting on the pressure?

  • L.O.V.E.

    Hey, that's my dog!

    Brownie, when did you get out and run a marathon, you silly dog? And how come you spend your day at home laying your head on a teddy bear all day, but you had the energy to run for two hours? Was someone in front of you running with a fake duck sticking out of his shorts? I'm not even going to ask how you got to Indiana.

    Labs are the best.

  • stella

    But...shes not even fat...

  • e jerry powell

    If there were any justice in the world, that would be Becki Newton wearing that sad excuse for tapestry instead of Kate Upton in that header photo.

  • -Thanks for that header picture, I needed new wall paper for my laptop. Anyone who thinks Kate Upton needs to lose weight is either blind or retarded.

    -I'm kind of curious as to why Norman Reedus has 'over 50 masks' but I also kinda don't want to know.

    -I'm completely indifferent as to his current hit song or the nonsense at the VMA's, but Robin Thicke does look like the sort of gomer who is prone to be that sort of oblivious tool.

    -I always like hearing about stupid things going viral on Facebook or Twitter. It validates my dislike of social media and gives me a chance to work on my Andy Rooney impression.

  • Mrs. Julien

    "Hot-chick-with-a-douchebag" was the template for all 1990s family sitcoms.

  • Ben

    Does anyone else find it awesome that Norman Reedus's sing along song with his mom was Straight to Hell. As both a Clash and a Reedus fan, that gives me a little excitement.

  • Bea Pants

    At first I thought you meant Hank III's "Straight to Hell" until I remembered he isn't actually a redneck in real life. :/

  • John W

    I heard she went out and lost weight immediately...she broke up with him.

  • DeltaJuliet

    Ok, so between the chocolate and the boob obsession, it sounds like he and I are *perfect* for each other!

  • I heard he just called Kate Upton.

  • DeltaJuliet

    No, no, no. He needs to call me!

  • kushiro -

    I really wish Kate Upton could catch a break once in a while.

  • I know, it must be really rough on her having to be a boobalicious white woman all the time. Getting paid millions to go to the most beautiful places on earth to stick out her ass and rack to their farthest points while someone snaps a picture. What did she do to deserve such a gruesome fate?

  • kushiro -

    Look, I feel bad for her.

    I mean, here's this feel-good story about a girl from a wealthy family, who's really good-looking with a great body. She makes a conscious decision to get paid money for having big boobs, and then she goes to a basketball game and does a goofy dance, and all the guys like her because she's hot but also seems like a normal chick. Soon everyone invites her to all the best parties, and she's hanging out with famous people and dating athletes and celebrities, and getting cast in movies and just basically becoming rich and famous.

    But some people hit on her and others call her fat, so really how can she enjoy any of it? It's a wonder she can even drag herself out of bed in the morning.

  • I'm just joshing, I can see both sides of it. I actually think it would be exhausting to be super hot, which is why I've always been glad I am only acceptably hot. I do think Upton would benefit from doing some work on her mind so she feels like she's got more going on than hotness, so that she might promptly kick the Chmerkovskiy's of the world to the curb (and grind her heel into uncomfortable places as she leaves).

  • kushiro -

    I must come across as too earnest because my whole comment was complete sarcastic bullshit.

  • Sadly, I was still joking as well. Deadpan is my wheelhouse, which leads to a lot of misunderstandings. It gets absolutely wretched when my Ben Stein-esque friend and I get going in real life, what with the horrifying bystanders.

  • emmalita

    Bystanders are always horrifying. Sometimes innocent, always horrifying.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    The first one wasn't obvious, the second one was. But then I'm a very sarcastic bitch so I can (usually) recognize it in others.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oh, I feel like even the first one was pretty obvious. But it's Friday, so I'll forgive people with marshmallow brains. (myself included!)

  • kushiro -

    Whew, that's a relief.

    If there's one thing I need to be able to count on, it's my ability to be blindingly obvious.

  • tatertot

    The internet needs a sarcasm font. Many tragic misunderstandings have resulted in needless deaths.

  • dennis

    well done on believing everything you read in a magazine or on the internet you gossiping hens

    its star magazine it's bullshit you goons

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    It's pretty sad when Dennis can't even D.E.N.N.I.S. properly. You fucked up on step one!

  • emmalita

    It's the insults that elevate your string of words from a complaint to a thought provoking complaint. Are we gossiping hens or are we goons? Are some of us gossiping hens and the rest goons? Are we goonish gossiping hens, or gossiping goon hens? So much to think about.

  • Given the number of people I punch during hockey games, I'm definitely a Goon.

  • emmalita

    I like gossiping about the people I want to punch, so I'm going with gossiping goon hen for me. But hey, it's nice to know we have options.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hen today, goon tomorrow.

  • jon29

    Team Goon

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Ooooh! I vote Gossiping Goon Hens. And we look like this:

  • dizzylucy

    Back in college, I used to watch the soap Another World. That rooster looks just like Charles Keating, the guy who played Carl.

  • Edwina the Magnificent

    We had a rooster just like that when I was a kid. My mom got him from my aunt who was giving him away because her other chickens couldn't handle his fabulosity and kept trying to kill him by repeatedly pecking at his head. His name? Peckerhead. When we got him, he was bald on top with a fringe of feathers around the edge like Friar Tuck. I can't think of a better mascot for this fine group of Gossiping Goon Hens.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Honestly, I picked him because he looked like Doc Brown. But your story is SO much better.

  • Stephen Mercer

    Here's my take on TwerkingGate
    http://notjustzerosandones.wor...

  • BendinIntheWind

    My favorite part of that dog story is the fact that the owner's last name is "Butts", and the dog's name is "Boogie". So somewhere in that marathon's official results, there is a log for "Boogie Butts".

    Dogs are the best.

  • Fredo

    Ladies, you keep dating douchenozzles, you can't act surprised when their douchenozzle tendencies surface.

    And for the record, the only thing Kate Upton needs to lose is her top. Like, right now.

  • clementinesalmassi321

    My Uncle Nathaniel recently got a nearly new red Chrysler 200 Sedan
    only from working part time off a home pc... find out this here J­a­m­2­0­.­ℂ­o­m

  • Becks

    I don't actually watch Dancing With the Stars but the one thing I do know about it is that a few years ago the tabloids were giving one of the dancers a lot of shit for being fat when it was obvious she was far from fat. The guy dating Upton spoke out to say that he did feel she was letting everyone down by being fat since she's supposed to be a role model. They were supposedly good friends and he came out in support of the nasty (and objectively wrong) tabloid story.

    Huge asshole.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I was ready to rip on the guy and then I saw that the story comes from Star, the same people who labeled Jennifer Aniston pregnant 16 times in the last two years. So although the guy is probably a peen-wart, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and think he isn't going to say anything that would risk kicking this woman out of bed.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Thank you for this. Because I was going to unleash a wholly unnecessary rant re; please stop bitching about Kate Upton's weight. I could also add Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Lopez and Lena Dunham. Choose your poison.

    But now I will just say

    PLEASE STOP REPORTING TRASH FROM STAR MAGAZINE.

  • Misomaniac

    As far as I can tell, the only one talking about Jennifer Lawrence's weight is Jennifer Lawrence.

  • Limbo

    She does seem rather obsessed with her lack of an obsession about her weight.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Upvote for "peen-wart" alone.

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