Hell Hath No Fury Like Gwyneth Paltrow After Her Kids Eat McDonalds

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Hell Hath No Fury Like Gwyneth Paltrow After Her Kids Eat McDonalds

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | September 9, 2013 | Comments ()


Happy football season, y’all! To kickoff in grand fashion, let’s check out this brain-rotting list of best and worst shirtless shots of NFL starting quarterbacks. (Buzzfeed)

People are talking about Eminem’s strange gaping mouth during the first 23 seconds of this ESPN video interview. After that initial awkwardness, Em completely fangirls the sportscasters, and you may end up loving him by the end. (Hollywood Life)

Oh, it’s New York Fashion Week too. That means lots of photos of bizarrely juxtaposed celebrities, who are wondering why they are seated next to each other. (Go Fug Yourself)

Also at NYFW: Anna Wintour smiled. Thank you, Harper Seven Beckham. (People)

Dustin leads a discussion about this week’s episode of “The Newsroom” by boiling down the festivities to three key scenes. Big D also seems obsessed with what’s in Aaron Sorkin’s well-padded pockets. (Warming Glow)

Nicole Kidman joins the cast of Queen of the Desert. She will star alongside James Franco and Robert Pattinson to round out the most unlikely trio of costars ever. (Vulture)

Some dude named Norman Oosterbroek — former bodyguard to stars like Beyonce, Lady Gaga, and Rihanna — was tazed to death as part of a strange naked home invasion. Oh, Florida. (Film Drunk)

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has dieted her way into early osteoporosis, can’t stand it when anyone (including Chris Martin) takes her kids to McDonalds and feeds them a carb. (Celebitchy)

plpenny-1.jpgYou guys, somebody made a Showgirls 2. The lead character’s name is “Penny Slot.” (Slashfilm)

Miley Cyrus performed with a band full of little people on a German tv show. (Popwatch)

Why did kamikaze pilots bother wearing helmets? People, they had reasons. (Mental Floss)

If you’ve never seen Vin Diesel during his breakdancing days, you’re in for a treat. Plus, check out those actual acting skills. He had them! (Film School Rejects)

Wait, do you mean to tell me video game makers are scamming the crowdfunding market? Shocking. (Kotaku)

A unicycling Darth Vader plays flaming bagpipes in this video. F—k, I don’t know. (Videogum)

I never wanted to think this much about Katy Perry’s “Roar” song, but this analysis of how Katy is selling a subpar pop song (even without taking her clothes off!) is moderately fascinating. (Grantland)

Anyone still watching “Dexter”? WHY? WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU? (WG)

Now let’s all laugh at Katy’s terrible acting skills in her new “Roar” video. And then we’ll come full circle and realize that Fox NFL Sunday used the song in their opening segment. Damn it, Katy is winning.

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa. She & her little black heart can be found at celebitchy.com.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • I know everyone has already seen this, but I can't hate Roar if only because it had a part in giving us this:


  • Morgan_LaFai

    But I learned on QI</i?>

  • Guest

    But I learned on QI</i?>

  • Emm82

    I don't get all the absolute Macdonalds hate. Yes, it's shit but if it wasn't it wouldn't be called junk food! As long as its kept to a minimum & your kids recognise the difference between a treat and a regular healthy diet there shouldn't be a problem. Thank god someone in that house remembered that children should have some nice normal memories even if they aren't.

  • Wow


  • Slash

    (heavy sigh) You know, I want to (for some reason) kinda defend Gwyneth, because kids do eat too much crap. But she and her fellow batshit crazy "food will kill us all" cult members make that almost impossible. I can't help but think that as soon as her kids (and the unfortunate children of all the other cult members) get out in the world and exert more control over their own foods, they'll go in the complete opposite direction and consume nothing but soft drinks and fast food crap in vast quantities and balloon up to 250 lb. behemoths just out of spite. Or binge and purge. I wonder if she's as concerned about the food anxiety and possible eating disorders as a result of her really pretty warped attitudes about nutrition as she is about how terrible junk food is.

    We had plenty of junk food in the 1970s and '80s when I was growing up, but obese kids were still relatively rare. Not so much today.

  • Wow

    I just want parents to find it in themselves to just remember that all things in moderation is perfectly fine. McDonalds? It's garbage, but kids do enjoy it, and letting them eat it once every few months? Not that big a deal. Not going to harm them in any way shape or form. Just... just don't be such an obsessive nut about it, and you'll be fine. But she's such a fucking NUT about it, it's hard to even think clearly about her anymore.

  • That's my reaction as well: as soon as those kids break free, they're going to binge out at every fast food place they were forbidden to go to when they were growing up. It's just how stuff works.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    I could've sworn that I saw a piece of a video for that song that just featured a series of text messages, or something. Definitely less spray tan.

  • bleujayone

    Goop sat alone on a horse so high
    Totally a shrew to her kids and guy
    Mud flowed up into Goop's pajamas
    She got too many espresso colonics

    She's Goop she's Goop
    She's like to pout
    She's Goop she's Goop she's Goop
    Like a dead trout

    Goop tries to promote her tome
    Still comes across as a ghostwritten phoney
    Chris Martin needs to learn to lie
    Say their kids had fruit cups not McD's apple pie

    She's Goop she's Goop
    Bakes in the sun
    She's Goop she's Goop she's Goop
    Still not too fun

    Goop's a bit of a health hypocrite
    Goop smokes like a chimney in Scranton or Pitt
    She like to pass herself off as a Brit
    None of us can tolerate her fresh bullshit

    She's Goop she's Goop
    She's in my ear
    She's Goop she's Goop she's Goop
    Worse than I feared

    Is this Goop gonna shut up I think no
    Is this Goop gonna chill out I think no
    Is this Goop losing this fight I think so
    Well it's three against one Goop
    She give's up.

  • mairimba

    Vin Diesel does a better Andrew 'Dice' Clay than Andrew 'Dice' Clay.

  • Andrew

    Gwyneth really should know better. Her mom is constantly talking about osteoporosis. Doesn't she watch tv?

  • Bananaranma

    I can't wait for the epilogue to 'Roar', where Katy Perry fesses up that the tiger is a metaphor for the people who died in the plane crash. Who she ate.

  • ERM

    Is it true Paltrow has early osteoporosis?

  • John G.

    fuck Gwyneth and her $8 paperclips. BUT McDonalds is disgusting. You shouldn't feed it to anything human.

  • Cody M.

    That initial awkwardness with Eminem came from the delay in his headphones... He even said "live television freaks me out." But after he got his bearings, you're right, that was a good chat.

  • The lack of subtlety Katy Perry displays in using her sexuality to sell albums makes someone like Taylor Swift seem artistic.

  • Anna von Beav

    You guys, somebody made a Showgirls 2. The lead character’s name is “Penny Slot.”

    How ... how did you guys not know this already?

    (ETA: also, that was her name when she was in the first one.)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Seriously. This isn't new. The actress kind of coasts (as much as possible) on the notoreity of the part. I saw her a couple of months ago in Showgirls the Musical in NYC. She had to Kickstarter to get herself to New York to perform in the show. (She also sang a song called "Nobody wants to fuck a penny"


  • BWeaves

    Flaming bagpiper Vader is the coolest thing I've seen all day.

  • dizzylucy

    I love how they put the names of 3 actors no one has ever heard of on the Showgirls poster. As if someone will see it and say "Dewey Weber! Now I have to go see that one."

  • Meh

    Fascinating. I never knew they had push up bras in the jungle.

  • BWeaves

    Reminds me of the news story recently about a study of brainlessness. The researchers concluded that if you go braless, your breasts will be perkier, because the muscles holding them up will have to work harder. They also concluded that bras make breasts flabby, because the boobies don't have a chance to learn how to hold themselves up by themselves.

    a. The researchers have never read a National Geographic.

    b. They've never seen a naked woman, period.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    That was a lot of nonsense and that chirpy model engaged to Adam Levine was trumpeting the virtues of going braless for ALL women with no consideration of the fact that ladies of her specific carriage and medical history won't run into the same traveling and fashion issues as ladies who have seen the heavier side of the shelf.

    If there were a way to make breasts perkier outside of surgery, someone would've figured it out by now.

  • Maguita NYC

    Showgirls 2. The lead character’s name is “Penny Slot".

    lmao. Not even porn makes things that obvious anymore!

  • Mrs. Julien


  • They should have gone with something slightly less Bond Girl-ish. If they wanted to keep the whole 'hur hur she's a slot machine that's clever' shtick, they could named her Nicole and it would have been marginally less obvious. I suspect, though, that just by typing this out I've already put more thought into the script than the people who made this movie did.

  • Green Lantern

    IMHO "Nicole Slot" is much better.

  • Mrs. Julien

    God, yes.

  • buell

    Or Imma Slot

  • Robert

    I'm going to argue that Katy Perry doesn't give a fuck and is trolling us for millions of dollars. No one with any sense of pride in their abilities would record Roar, claim co-writing credits on Roar, and shoot that music video for Roar if they weren't in on the joke. I can't hate on someone who is so intentionally camping up pop culture and getting people to take her seriously for fucking with them.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Glenn Plummer sounds like he should be co-hosting This Auld Hoose: Scottish Highlands instead of starring in straight-to-video softcore.

  • mswas

    Katy Perry's song is cheesy, but I really enjoy hearing my two daughters sing along with lyrics that talk about speaking up and not being afraid to rock the boat. If Katy Perry inspires them to take a stand, so be it.

  • Jifaner

    My 8 year old loves it and her jazz class is working on a dance to it. It's so not my thing, but the message is fine and she loves it. I can deal with that.

  • Stephen Nein

    I was going to say my 9 year-old is going to eat this track up and ask for seconds.

  • BigBlueKY

    Thank you for consciously or subconsciously placing the Miley Cyrus bit immediately after the Showgirls 2 "Penny Slot" shout-out.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Big D also seems obsessed with what’s in Aaron Sorkin’s well-padded pockets.

    It's because that's how Big D...rowles.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Oh, well done, you!

  • Jelinas
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