Have You Ever Been in a Turkish Prison?
Have you waited until the last second to get that special someone something for the day that commemorates David Boreanz trying to have a film career? Good news! The most mediocre newspaper in the world has a list of last second items you can buy for Valentine's Day. Here's a hint. Make certain to not buy anything that appears on that list (seriously, a "grow your own tree" kit that's not a sex joke?) and just put a bow on it.
On a related note, do you love old books? Because if you don't, just go put your head in the oven as that would be the best present that you could get your loved ones for Valentine's Day. Here's Neglected Books which is dedicated to finding old out of print books that everyone has forgotten about, and reviewing them.
Hackers broke their way into the Emergency Alert System in Montana, leading to an announcement during the Steve Wilkos show that "dead bodies are rising from their graves."
Matt Damon has announced in an ad that he is going on strike from urination until the entire world has access to clean water. Journalists are irresponsibly assuming that this is a joke, but I insist that Damon put his catheter where his mouth is. That came out wrong.
Paul Tassi argues that Kai the Stoned Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker Hero could in fact be a serial killer like Dexter. I find that entirely plausible, and not just because of my hatchet collection. Don't ruin this for us Paul. We're everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that Leon Sandcastle just won Jeopardy's Teen Tournament. And he does it with the best answer not written by drunk Sean Connery. In other news, Jeopardy is the last remaining thing in the world allowed to have a "teen tournament" that isn't immediately raided by the FBI.
Have you ever had a drink and thought to yourself, self, this drink would be better if it had been mixed using a color-coded set of specifications built in autocad? Engineers have your back.
Just a travel note, Chechnya has now banned wizards, so if you were going to ignore the travel bans for Westerners and thought your robes were protection enough from the bullets, this might put a cramp in your vacation plans. A little know fact is that this is really just an elaborate mechanism of keeping Nate Silver and proper vote-counting out of the region.
Oh, speaking of Russia, if you think your commute is bad, at least you don't live where tanks come crashing across the highway without even the courtesy of a turn signal:
Finally, I don't know what's going on with this animated GIF, but I haven't stopped sobbing for days, so I figured I'd share the experience:
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)