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Gwyneth Paltrow Surfaces From 'Conscious Upcoupling' To Take On 9-5 Moms

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | March 28, 2014 | Comments ()


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The MPAA’s annual CinemaCon stats release reveals that more women than men have attended movies in the past year. Is it time for Hollywood to step things up for their audience, or should women demand better movies? (TMS)

Women are most likely to follow the 5-second rule of dropping food on the floor. Does the rule even hold true? The answer depends on the type of floor and what kind of food landed there. (MF)

Hugh Jackman has earned his surname by jacking his body up in a ridiculous manner. Is it weird that Wolverine is a lot more “cut” for the latest movie? The difference is remarkable. (Unreality)

plmurraypants.jpgBill Murray’s PBR golf pants are absolutely fantastic. (Uproxx)

Hey girl, Ryan Goslings arms are back, and they’re pumping gas for you. (Lainey)

Dustin has all the available details on the upcoming Walking Dead spinoff. (WG)

Goddamn, Jennifer Connelly looks cool as hell in this Louis Vuitton dress. (GFY)

Tara Reid says she kissed Tom Brady in a prior life. She wants to kiss Eminem. (Us)

Mark Ruffalo & Keira Knightley are musically sweet in the new Begin Again trailer. (Slashfilm)

Chris Martin may have a jump-off scheduled for his post-divorce existence from Gwyneth Paltrow. Alexa Chung is allegedly the other woman. She likes milkshakes, unlike Goop, who loves her punishing diets and cleanses. (Jezebel)

Gwyneth has stuck her head out of her privileged Bahamas break-up vacay to talk about how much harder her life is than the average 9-5 mom. I could rant for days about this ridiculousness, but let’s start by saying that it’s never just 9-5. It’s just not. (Celebitchy)

An actual working mom took to the New York Post to remind Gwyneth why people can’t stand her and to fill in the realities of life. (Page Six)

Showtime has ordered up a Morgan Spurlock series called Seven Deadly Sins. I want Brad Pitt to make a special “What’s in the box?” cameo. (Slashfilm)

Mindy Kaling told Vogue that she has no desire to be skinny. Anna Wintour probably wasn’t listening. She’s been too busy kissing Kanye West’s ass to notice anything else in her magazine this month. (DListed)

Clive Owen’s career has taken a strange arc. He’s putting the movies on Juliette Binoche in a romantic comedy trailer. Clive Owen, romcom star? (FSR)

The newest trailer for The Purge: Anarchy is better than the last one. Kiele Sanchez must be on a mission to star in as many horror sequels as possible.

Bedhead lives in Tulsa. She can be found at Celebitchy.com.




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Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • This was supposed to be a mash-up of Brad Pitt and the dick-in-the-box guys from SNL, but apparently I don't know how to post gifs.

  • John G.

    Does anyone want to come in NOW and defend poor Gwyneth Paltrow? Don't let her trick you again into feeling sorry for her. She's the human equivalent of foie gras.

  • NateMan

    Well, except foie gras is delicious.

  • Kenny G.

    I'll defend her because It's got to be tough for Gwyneth when she wants to take a bath and she's all out of asses' milk. The horror...the horror.

  • emilya

    oh saracen, honey, you need a new agent.

    note to self: don't read other sites comment sections. stick to pajiba/pawnee, everything else is eagleton.

  • Semilitterate

    Oh, those pants, would make John Daly run & hide --and he has some fugugly pants of his own---- and he has been rumored to get on the outside of few PBR equivelants from time to time.

  • Jim

    Oh Walking Dead spin off, you had me at other part of the world. I wanna know what's happening in Alaska and Rome and freaking Luxembourg

  • BlackRabbit

    You know the Swiss are all right. Those buggers have it locked down.

  • Jim

    Damn straight.

  • John W

    The five second rule in my house stands for how many seconds you have left to live if you're stupid enough to eat something after you've dropped it on my floor.

    I'm sure that not only did Gwyneth read that open letter in the Post but that she's actually going to take a step back and reassessHaHaHaHaHa....ooohhh boy.....

  • AvaLehra

    Clive Owen, step away from the Rom Com and no one will get hurt.

    I'll just prefer to remember my ex-pretend boyfriend like this, with a side order of my current pretend boyfriend, Chris Eccleston.

  • AngelenoEwok

    OMG they're INFANTS. INFANTS!

  • AvaLehra

    TOTALLY. I am, right now, older than those two in that picture. And that makes me feel OLD -- even though are both older than I am.

  • Great cake or Greatest cake?

  • Gigi Agius

    My only thought while watching the trailer for Purge: Anarchy, "OMG, it's Matt Saracen!!"

  • e jerry powell

    Hilarity personified is the Murray brothers on a golf outing.

  • Jackman's crazy cut bod is probably his way of feeling that he's doing the role justice as he ages. He can't stop aging, so he'll distract you with those amazing abs. And arms. And chest. And I gotta go now, because it worked.

  • Berry

    You win some, you lose some: reading the open letter gave me a good laugh, which was sorely needed, then reading the comments made me want to stab myself in the forehead with a fork. Why did I read the comments? Will I never learn?

  • sherryb23

    Please don't tell me there were people defending GOOP. Please don't. [refuses to go look for self--won't be sucked in to rage fits]

  • Berry

    Oh but they did.

  • AvaLehra

    I started reading the comments, and then I stopped myself and chose to re-read the letter instead. I'm all right now.

  • Dumily

    I only ever read the comments on Pajiba. I've yet to find another comment section that doesn't make me angry/ sad.

  • John G.

    wait, are you saying that Pajiba commenters are better than 9-5 working mom commenters? :)

  • lillie

    This is so true. Every other comment section I read makes me want to jump off the planet.

  • Berry

    You're wise, and I wish to learn from you. I just keep reading comments I know will be horrible, and then feel horrible. It's like picking a scab: it's stupid, you know it's stupid, and will only lead to pain and blood, but you can't stop doing it. Except I guess most adults can. Not me though.

  • Dumily

    I've been there. Sometimes I hate read comment sections. Yahoo is the best for it.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ugh. Every now and then I end up in the rabbit hole of yahoo comments. Read the comments on Dear Abby columns. (of course, the fact that I even read the Dear Abby columns...old habits die hard)

  • Dumily

    Dear Prudence. I hate her, but I read it.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oh, Hugh Jackman is amazing now...but that young picture from the first movie. My lady parts have awoken for the weekend.

  • bgarcia

    Well I can say one thing Gwyneth is far better at than most people: Doubling down on pretentiousness.

  • sherryb23

    As an actual working mother (and I wish my parameters were 9 to 5, more like 8:30-6, then sometimes after hours and weekends...but I digress), I love that open letter so much. Because: exactly.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The bellinis and 401K line....I want it to be a bumper sticker or a t-shirt or an e-card or SOMETHING. And I'm not even a mom.

  • sherryb23

    YES. I was dying at that one. The writer, she is gifted in the art of satire.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I feel like if both Binoche and Owens are in it, it can't, by definition, be as simple as a rom com.

  • AvaLehra

    Here's hoping!

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    I'm not the kind of person to use the C-word, but mother of god, Paltrow sure does make me think it.

  • maja

    oh, but i am. and i'll say it in my mother tongue cause it'll be so much more pleasurable: pizda.
    yes, i said it.

  • alacrify

    "Pizda is a chemical substance first synthesized in 2006 by a group of Australian chemists. In 2008, a group of Iranian chemists conducted further investigations of kinetics of binding of the substance with ions of bivalent copper; the substance then received the short name of the pizda."
    That's a bit harsh, isn't it?

  • maja

    haha, i had no idea! thanks for that. love the addition on wikipedia:
    "Incidentally, this chemical cannot be called Pizda anywhere in
    Croatia, Serbia, Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Slovenia, Poland,
    Romania and Russia as the name is a complete obscenity."

  • Thank you for adding to my alternate slang list. I have a feeling I will use this more than I expect to.

  • maja

    you're welcome! croatian is a very (profanity especially :D) rich language. always comes handy.

  • Sranje is another of my favorites. No one in this area understands what I'm saying, but the sound of it is sooo satisfying, and the only reason I know it was because of research I did for a crime novel. I think I need an entire course in how to swear in other languages.

  • maja

    sranje is a good one, very good. although, i must say i don't use it very often, cause it's pretty common (and faster) to use the english version.

  • Yeah, but I can use it in the office, and not have anyone look at me sideways.

  • Dumily
  • cruzzercruz

    Jacked Hughman 4 life.

  • L.O.V.E.

    In her defense, maybe Paltrow was just doing the Louie CK bit from Opie & Anthony.

  • John G.

    Oh shut up

  • L.O.V.E.

    Hey, not all my jokes are going to land, dude. You try being funny 9 to 5. Its hard work. Not like some bombom eating housewife.

    Also, sarcasm.

  • Dumily

    I think the only difference is that Louis CK would openly acknowledge that he's an asshole. Gwyneth thinks that she's better than us schmucks.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I hear her next gig is an ad for the Cadillac ELR.

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