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Ginnifer Goodwin, You're Cute, Now Stop Making Movies That Inspire Me To Claw My Soul Out Of My Body

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (26)

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Happy Thursday, my notorious nitpickers. If I had to guess the number one pet peeve of any given Pajiban, I would say tpyos, ungood grammer and spelling airrors. (Still don’t give a d*mn about an Oxford comma.) Amirite? For me it’s loud cell phone conversations on the subway. I can’t NOT listen to the trails and tribulations of Muffin and Brad. And, trust me Muffin, I really don’t want to know. NPR attempts to explain why we hate the things we hate. (NPR)

Speaking of the Ongoing Saga of Muffin and Brad, here’s a Mad-Libs-esque Guide to writing your very own Kate Hudson romcom. I dunno, I’d see a movie where someone makes a dress out of slain Muppets. Wacky slaying/sewing montage! (Comedy)

We all understand that Kate Hudson (who famously almost won an Academy Award, y’all) has just given up. Penny Lane is dead. But it’s not too late for Ginnifer Goodwin. I think she’s a total cutie and effortlessly exudes that Girl Next Door vibe that Katie Holmes has been struggling to sell me for years. I think she’s an earthier, less batshit Zooey Deschanel and I want nothing but the best for her. But she’s needs to quit it with the sh*tty romcoms. Here she is being sort of adorable talking about her “Southern woman’s ass” in Marie Claire. (Celebitchy)

We all agree, right, that those Hudson/Goodwin homances are setting the Women’s Movement back? Well, fear not, here to right those gendered wrongs are the makers of the Vajazzle (gross) who have introduced the Pejazzle (grosser). Yup, gross but equal.(Gawker)

Katie Holmes, by the by, isn’t really a Thing anymore, right? Like, I can stop being annoyed by her? You know who IS hot right now? Sherlock Holmes. In addition to the film franchise and the excellent TV series, he’s being featured in a series of graphic novels. Who wants to ride the capecoattails of this craze with me? Help me develop something for Milton Bradley called “The Game’s Afoot!” How could it fail? (Boing Boing)

Speaking of too hot to fail, are people saying nice things about this new Beyonce video because of an Emperor’s New Clothes type of situation? Because, I dig the message and all, but the song itself is sh*t and the Mad Max meets Lady Gaga Look fails to ring my bell. (Evil Beet)

You know what does ring my bell, my little cups of sumatra? Scientific studies that tell me to just keep on doing what I want to do. In this case, all those vats of hot coffee I drink? Apparently they might maybe prevent some types of cancer. (Life Hacker)

If you do get cancer, and I really hope you don’t, make sure you’re not a gay person living in Wisconsin because their asshat governor (you know the one who is all about a “smaller goverment?”) is trying to curtail the rights of gay couples and put an end to hospital visitation. Cool, way to keep it small, Governor Walker. (Jezebel)

In other (some but not all) Republicans Are Asshats News, you’ve no doubt heard that Rick Santorum questioned John McCain’s knowledge on torture. Um, lovely. And, for the second week in a row, John’s daughter, Miss Meghan McCain, hands out a verbal ass-whooping. I know I’m not supposed to like her, but I kind of do. (ABC)

Because when Southern ladies get all feisty, they remind my of my favorite female mutant, Rogue. (NOT the Anna Paquin version). Here’s a gallery of the best of Rogue cosplay. They’re not as good as those Power Girl babes, but numbers 6 & 7 can call me anytime. (Gamma Squad)

I hope next time the McCain family is attacked, Meghan goes full-on American Ninja with these Budweiser Nunchucks. (Laughing Squid)

Speaking of death by beverage, my rogue bottles of pop, take a gander at this video of the classic “Mentos in the Diet Coke” experiment gone awry.

Oh, my dear ones, are you wondering how I will ever manage to top that? Fear not, here is a clip from that 80’s cheese-fest Teen Witch. SO FUNKY.

Joanna Robinson is collecting old clothing and shoes for a Rapture Prank this Saturday. You can send some her way via Email or Twitter.









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Comments

UNWELL grammar. Ugh.

Posted by: penelope at May 19, 2011 1:13 PM

Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?

Posted by: superasente at May 19, 2011 1:17 PM

my rogue bottles of pop
Easily the best Plove endearment of all time.

I don't see the problem with ungood. All my colleagues here at the Ministry of Truth say that is a perfectly acceptable word.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 19, 2011 1:18 PM

The game is afoot.
The mystery's at hand.
We like to pilfer podiums, in other words we take a stand.
We make a plan, attack that jam like it was Afghanistan.
We like to ride our bikes, motherfucka' mystery van.

(everything about Pajiba Love today reminds me of music)

Posted by: superasente at May 19, 2011 1:21 PM

(from the fire and brimstone)

And it's not from his daughter if you want the money quote from that McCain article.

"Ron Paul may be the wackiest candidate in the GOP field. But for pure, blind stupidity, nobody beats Santorum,” he wrote. “In my 20 years in the Senate, I never met a dumber member, which he reminded me of today.”

I can't believe my state elected that asshole to the Senate. TWICE!

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 19, 2011 1:23 PM

new Beyonce video

All I could think about was how much sand must have gotten into that catsuit with all the cutouts. SO MUCH SAND. INSIDE THE CLOTHES.

Also, how shiny that gold dress was, and how much I therefore NEED IT.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at May 19, 2011 1:26 PM

A rapture prank? Be careful. You don't want to poke the crazies when they are feeling particularly disillusioned. I did like your rapture joke yesterday about the backpack.

Dug this quote: Former McCain aide Mark Salter was less discrete, heaping sharp criticism of Santorum on his Facebook page: "Ron Paul may be the wackiest candidate in the GOP field. But for pure, blind stupidity, nobody beats Santorum,” he wrote. “In my 20 years in the Senate, I never met a dumber member, which he reminded me of today.”

Santorum's Presidential chances are beyond done. He and Newt Gingrich should give up and make a buddy comedy together. I'd include Governor Walker in the project, but the guy just achieved a level of reprehensibility that makes joking about the jackass inappropriate.

O.k. So I just looked above at the comments, and Socrates_Johnson pulled the exact same quote that I did about Santorum. I'm keeping it here just because the quote is damn good, and I like the synchronicity.

By the way, the rapture might not be coming for you, but beware the Oxford comma! It has powers you do not yet realize.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 19, 2011 1:35 PM

Great minds man. Great minds.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 19, 2011 1:42 PM

We're not supposed to like Meghan McCain? Who the hell says? She seems to be just about the only Republican who thinks that talking to and negotiating with Democrats is NOT the same thing as murdering babies and embracing communism. If I was going to invite one Republican to my birthday party, she'd be the one.

Posted by: Todd at May 19, 2011 1:59 PM

How odd. This is the second time in a week that I've seen that Teen Witch video. For some reason, they play it at the (no-longer-Devil) Rays games when the opposing team has a conference on the pitcher's mound. Makes no sense.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at May 19, 2011 2:01 PM

Google "santorum". That's his legacy.

Posted by: Fredo at May 19, 2011 2:30 PM

Dear Godtopus in watery heaven...I saw that Beyonce video last night on American Idol (SHUTTUP!!! The hubs is addicted...and PISSED that James left and Lauren remains!) and it is SHITE! It crosses Mad Max with Love Is A Battlefield with West Side Story with Doctor Doolittle and ends up with a big steaming pile of ugly clothes and seizures.

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 19, 2011 2:33 PM

All right, my erstwhile Pajiban army of useless trivia buffs:

I remember a movie I saw about the Rapture (no, not 1990 The Rapture with Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny) when I was a kid. It would have been in the early 80s. It was the typical Rapture stuff, and I very distinctly remember one scene where someone is brushing their teeth in front of the bathroom mirror and they suddenly get "Raptured" and the toothbrush falls and clatters in the sink.

The most likely candidate is A Thief In The Night, a well-known 1970s Rapture movie, but I watched some clips of it on the Youtubes and I really don't think that's the movie I'm remembering.

Anyone have any alternate suggestions?

Posted by: MM at May 19, 2011 2:50 PM

Yes, I misused the word "erstwhile".

Feel free to berate me; I'll enjoy looking down on you all from the clouds by God's side, watching you suffer the trials and tribulations of the AntiChrist, come Saturday. I have it on good authority that Jesus doesn't like word snobs. That is all.

Posted by: MM at May 19, 2011 2:55 PM

Sumatran?

UGH.

Why can't we be your Harrars?

Posted by: Jay at May 19, 2011 2:55 PM

Not to brag or anything, but my girlfriend would make a much better Rogue than any of those skank-ass bitches.

Posted by: the_wakeful at May 19, 2011 3:34 PM

Thank you Todd, I was wondering the same thing. Why is it that Ms McCain is to be disliked? What offense has she committed? Is it because she is a woman? Outspoken? Intelligent? A bad dancer? Or is it that she happens to be a Republican. I find it fascinating that bigotry and automatic hatred against an entire segment of the US population, as if ALL Republicans are as hard line extremists as the loud talking head wing of their party, is not only considered OK by so many, but it seems to be some kind of requirement to be a member of the 'We are better than THEM' club. That is sectarianism thinking, and it does nothing to advance the society we live in.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 19, 2011 4:34 PM

I feel it's my Pajiban duty to say "Pics or GTFO," the_wakeful. But honestly, I'm just jealous because I couldn't pull off that look myself.

I always wanted to do cosplay, though. I would dress up like Phoenix, but I can't sew a costume to save my life.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at May 19, 2011 4:42 PM

I can't believe I am about to type this, but: I liked pretty much everything about that Beyonce mess.

I don't even understand myself anymore.

Posted by: BalladofMaxwellDemon at May 19, 2011 5:54 PM

Um, I would hold off on the "Meghan McCain is intelligent" comments until you've read more of her stuff.

I'm not sure about hate, but the usual line on her is she got a book deal and a plum job as a blogger with her one and only qualification being "my dad is a famous politician".

Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 19, 2011 5:55 PM

I scored 3.29. That's about right.

Posted by: Jerry at May 19, 2011 6:02 PM

Well, fear not, here to right those gendered wrongs are the makers of the Vajazzle (gross) who have introduced the Pejazzle (grosser).

Doubt my commitment all you like, but this isn't the kind of Sparkle Motion that I had in mind.

Posted by: branded at May 19, 2011 7:12 PM

An "oxford comma" sounds like a sex position for posh people.

Posted by: vic at May 19, 2011 9:32 PM

Beyonce makes me want to take dance lessons. Not to be as good as her, because that's impossible, but just for the fun of it.

I think it was a good video. Beyonce is one of the few pop acts that I like. I've never bought any of her albums or anything and I think she's a snob and very dim, but somehow I still really like her.

I like that she puts effort into what she does instead of relying on her prettiness.

Posted by: kayla at May 19, 2011 11:11 PM

I'll enjoy looking down on you all from the clouds by God's side, watching you suffer the trials and tribulations of the AntiChrist
Posted by: MM

Hey MM, I can watch your dog for you after the Rapture for a very reasonable up-front fee (call me!).

lindsEy, I don't think it is a reflexive hate of Republicans that makes people dislike Megan McCain, she just gives off an attention-whore kinda vibe. Frankly, if us filthy LIEberals were going to like just one Republican, I would think a pro-gay, Bush-bashing one would be right up our alley.

Posted by: Douchebag McGee at May 19, 2011 11:36 PM

I gave Meghan McCain the ol' oxford comma the other night and she still can't sit properly.

Posted by: Douchebag McGee at May 19, 2011 11:38 PM