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Get This Man In Your Box. Your Mailbox, Sickos.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (36)

timothy-olyphant1.jpeg

Greetings and salutations my darling hoopleheads and c*cks*ckers. If you act quickly, you can get the Olyphantastic series “Deadwood” at an extraordinary discount. Do it now lest Swearengen call you that banned Paj*ba w*rd. You know the *ne. (Amazon)

How does my favorite Irate African-American Female celebrate Black History Month? With Star Wars and “Saturday Night Live,” of course. (Angry Black Lady)

Oh my stars and garters, ::bats eyelashes:: this link wench just doesn’t know a thing about sports, but she does want to cover these NFL soccer jerseys in her love spackle. She may even love them more than word clouds! Dearest, darling paleolithchick that’s four shots and a drink by your Pajiba Love Drinking Game rules. I do hope you’re playing. (Imgur)

This kicky video of American TV shows done in miniature is a promo for a Belgian cable station. My burning question: Belgium is just now getting “The 4400?” Better yet, why is Belgium getting “The 4400” at all? (Laughing Squid)

Okay, you little purloiners and cutpurses, this is my bad. I blinked and missed part of the freshest Lindsey Lohan drugbacle and now I’m hopelessly lost. She stole a necklace? She stole two? There’s video? Her assistant did it? Celebitchy attempts to break it down for us but it’s more convoluted than a Maupassant story. ERUDITE’D. (Celebitchy)

Okay, either I’m intoxicated after that round of the PL Drinking Game, or these “light paintings” are supremely and objectively cool. He does them without any photoshop! What kind of wizardry is this? (Dennis Calvert)

Were you frozen in carbonite yesterday? Nursing a nasty case of hibernation sickness today? I certainly hope not, my dear nerfherder. But if that is the case, you missed this adooooooooooorkable VW commercial that flew around the web in under 12 parsecs. OK, I admit, that last one was Forced. (Fashionably Geek)

The long national nightmare is over, you can now bake Girl Scout Cookies at home. You hear that, Scouts? You little beret-wearing, cookie-withholding fascists? I’m done hoarding boxes in the freezer for the lean, Thin Mint-less months. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME! (Seattle Weekly)

I’m relenting on my “No Cute Animal Links” policy today because it’s Chinese New Year. Gōng xǐ fā cái, hóng bāo ná lái! (I did that for you, lone Mandarin reader. It took me minutes to Google, so I hope you enjoyed it.) All right! Here they are! Bunnies, bunnies, they must be bunnies! Ormaybemidgets. (Buzzfeed)

Due to the digital mastery of our very own hh we are now quite familiar with the great works of Nicholas Cage. Those helpful little monkeys over at The Shiznit, have broken the Cageian oeuvre down even further into a handy matrix. Behold, my little graphing calculators, the x-axis is labeled “Mental” and the y-axis is labeled “Rubbish.” I do love the Brits. (The Shiznit)

So, The White Stripes broke up yesterday. Uber bummer, right? On the plus side, they said, in their official press release, “The White Stripes do not belong to Meg and Jack anymore. The White Stripes belong to you now and you can do with it whatever you want.” Um, whatever I want? Alright Jack, baby, don’t fight the moonlight. Dear gentle readers, please look away whilst I seduce the less languid Stripe. Here, crank up this song and don your clingiest red t-shirt.

And, finally, some jackholes in Congress are attempting to redefine rape as it pertains to abortion rights. Check out what the perpetually adorable Kristen Schaal had to say on “The Daily Show” last night.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rape Victim Abortion Funding
www.thedailyshow.com
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Joanna Robinson is wondering if, after beseeching readers to follow her on Twitter, she is then obliged to actually be worth following. She may have made a huge mistake. Give her some twit wit tips @quiyourJRob or godtopuswept@gmail.com









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Comments

I'm gonna scream "ERUDITED!" all the damn time now.

Posted by: Figgy at February 3, 2011 1:17 PM

I can't tell you how much I adore that mini-Vader commercial. It actually makes me tear up. I'm going to have to steal a dozen or more screen shots from it to use as profile pics on Facebook.

I also can't tell you how many times I've gone around trying to harness the force like that. I totally get the little fella's disappointment.

Posted by: pickled tink at February 3, 2011 1:22 PM

Give her some twit wit tips

Follow Kristen Schaal on Twitter. Twit wit indeed.

Posted by: mswas at February 3, 2011 1:22 PM

I don't really appreciate being called a cicksecker.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 3, 2011 1:28 PM

I just learned that Maria Schneider passed away. She is most well-known for her role alongside Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris.

All I know is I've never looked at butter quite the same after watching that scene.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 3, 2011 1:28 PM

And yes, I love that Volkswagen commercial! That gets my vote for best Super Bowl ad.

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 3, 2011 1:32 PM

Yay! Gōng xǐ fā cái, Pajiba!! Bunnies!

Posted by: kiyo-chan at February 3, 2011 1:33 PM

The White Stripes broke up and said anyone can use them however they want? Off to go write that perfectly legal because they said so unlicensed The White Stripes-based movie musical now. I don't have to pay a dime, right? Cause I can just use their stuff however I want because they were always my band?

Oh, wait. That's not how IPR law works? I can't wait for their former record label to start cracking down on those IPR violation cases. I'll bring the popcorn. This could gonna get Napster lawsuit good.

Posted by: Robert at February 3, 2011 1:34 PM

I just cackled at that kid's reaction when the car started. It's sad that I can be so manipulated by a freakin' commercial.
I need meds.

Posted by: Rykker at February 3, 2011 1:36 PM

Damn, I normally try to buy stuff from small businesses (like, say, Ebay sellers with less than 100,000 sales), but that Amazon price for the Deadwood Blu-Rays (which I've wanted for months) was too good to pass up. Now if they'd just discount Rome to, like, fifty bucks or something...

Anyways, thanks for the tip!

Posted by: Todd at February 3, 2011 1:38 PM

I know this has been said before and I feel it needs to be repeated again and again, ad-nauseum, ad-infinitum...

Mmmmmm Olyphant

Posted by: staceygarrett at February 3, 2011 1:58 PM

The dad in the VW commercial looks just like my boss, and he would totally do that to his kid, except his kid isn't even 6 months old yet. Maybe next year...

But, yeah, totally cute.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at February 3, 2011 2:12 PM

Holy crap, I couldn't even make it all the way through the links. Much love, JRo because I saw the de Maupassant and thought "nice. high brow". And then the ERUDIT"D made me laugh out loud. I am going to use that in real life.

Also, I just learned about the necklace incident today thanks to the Today's show in depth reporting.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at February 3, 2011 2:13 PM

The White Stripes breakup hit me so much harder than I expected it to. I don't like linking in comments usually, but I wrote something on my site that explains how I feel in full:

http://audiosuede.com/white-stripes-essay/

Posted by: ChristianH at February 3, 2011 2:13 PM

A parsec is a unit of distance, not time. See, the Millennium Falcon's navicomputer is its real secret weapon. Traveling through hyperspace is all herky jerky and not a straight line, but the Falcon is very good at plotting out a relatively short route.

Posted by: Jay at February 3, 2011 2:23 PM

I love Jay so much right now.

Posted by: pickled tink at February 3, 2011 2:38 PM

Jay, I was also thinking of calling science foul on the "parsecs" reference but was going to give it a pass for its nerdy accuracy. However, I like your justification of the original quote...

Posted by: Sara Tonin at February 3, 2011 2:42 PM

OMG those bunnies! I wish I had less self control and more impulsivity because I want to just run out and adopt 50 bunnies right now.

I wish my office had, like, an office rabbit. You know how you had in grade school? The class had a mascot, and it was usually, like, a hamster or a guinea pig? And different kids got to take him or her home over the weekend and over breaks?

My parents never let me take home the class mascot EVER. It was so unfair.

I showed them, though, by going to the pet store and buying a feeder mouse with my lunch money and smuggling it into my room in a shoebox.

It chewed its way out of the box in the middle of the night and wound up crawling across my mom's face while she was sleeping (100% true story).

After that they let me get a hamster (in a wire cage) so I would never do that again. I named him Leroy Brown and he was the baddest hamster in the whole damn town.

Posted by: Lindsay at February 3, 2011 2:49 PM

Actually, the specific thing Schaal and Stewart are talking about was taken out of the bill first thing this morning. Coincidence? No... >.>

That's actually the first time Ive EVER found Schaal funny.

Posted by: Kat at February 3, 2011 2:56 PM

I just read this on the People website (it's lonely on the road)and it was so delicious I just had to share:

Talk about grabbing a bull by the horns! Paris Hilton poses outside of Germany's stock exchange in Frankfurt Thursday, where the heiress is in town to promote Rich Prosecco canned wine.

There really is no limit to a fame whore's opportunities, is there? What's next? Boxed fish!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 3, 2011 3:11 PM

Just started Deadwood last night! Only one episode in, but I like it so far. Question... does Olyphant always have that mustache? I can live with it because the man is walking sex, but I would prefer for it to be gone.

Posted by: Melissa at February 3, 2011 3:18 PM

May I just say that these Pajiba Loves are a hoot and a half - and I might be stealing the phrase "love spackle".

Posted by: squeeziee at February 3, 2011 3:21 PM

I thought the White Stripes did that...years ago.

...hmm...

Posted by: Candee at February 3, 2011 3:34 PM

My parents never let me take home the class mascot EVER. It was so unfair.
Posted by: Lindsay

I had a boyfriend whose mother had a voice that could cut glass. I used to do an impression of it as an example for the idiom "like fingernails on a blackboard". One Christmas vacation, her granddaughter was allowed to bring home the class pet - a bird - to take care of over the holidays. As we all sat in the kitchen, it was delightful to note that the bird went CRAZY every time my boyfriend's mother spoke.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 3, 2011 3:37 PM

Sad about the Stripes.
Jack'll be just fine. Hope Meg has a nice retirement.

Posted by: Odnon. at February 3, 2011 3:57 PM

He keeps the mustache, Melissa. Based on what I've heard from the ladies, though, by the time he starts... uh, well, at some point you will stop caring.

Posted by: Todd at February 3, 2011 4:12 PM

Yay!!! Gon xi fai cai! Gimme my hong bao!! Thanks for the shout out, Joann. I'm a rabbit too, so hopefully this year will go better than last year!

I LOVE CHINESE NEW YEAR!! It's my favorite holiday, even more than Christmas!!

Posted by: denesteak at February 3, 2011 4:24 PM

Gah! Sorry, JoannA!

Posted by: denesteak at February 3, 2011 4:26 PM

Schaal NAILED that sketch. Awesome.

Posted by: Amanda6 at February 3, 2011 5:36 PM

Bunnies aren't as cute as everybody supposes
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses

Posted by: camila at February 3, 2011 6:42 PM

And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

Posted by: mb at February 3, 2011 7:18 PM

Anya, that you?

Posted by: noonoo at February 3, 2011 7:35 PM

I knew we'd wear you down eventually JoRo. Muah ha ha.

Posted by: Vee at February 3, 2011 9:06 PM

Not... drunk enough. Please, Godtopus... send... more effective tequila.

Posted by: Paleolithchick at February 3, 2011 9:23 PM

I do love the Brits.

You probably shouldn't mention that Joanna. We'll probably just blush, get flustered and start stammering.

No need for displays of emotion, when a tip of the hat and a firm handshake will suffice.

Posted by: Simon at February 4, 2011 2:25 AM

Stiff upper lip, Simon. There's a stout fellow.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 4, 2011 2:27 AM