Pajiba

New NuWho and Venture Bros. this weekend? Oh boy! TV is coming back!

JESUS CHRIST! I just screamed and jumped out of my chair. (See, now I looked at that damn thing yesterday and it was just stills and I didn't get what the big deal was. Now I. Get. It. Yeah, don't click on it.)

HOLY SHIT. I was half looking away and then it MOVED and eeeeeeeeeeek!

You know how sometimes psychologists advise you to keep a journal to get your feelings out?

I have been on Pajiba less than usual this past two weeks because I was helping with a group move to a new office building. It has been a nightmare and frustrating in all the ways that I fully understand are First World problems, but I am fried and bedraggled nonetheless. The new building is terrible: All of the support services are little fiefdoms and it seems like nobody will help me or is willing to make any effort. Imagine how pleased I was when someone from Corporate magically appeared because he was doing a survey of conference rooms (many of which don’t even have PHONES) to update our online booking system. He was a hairier version of Ron Jeremy with a slightly more aquiline nose. He was nice enough and the longer I talked to him, after figuring out which was the “good eye”, the closer he got to me. I focused on the eye and spoke to him and finally realised that he was maybe kind of flirting with me. Now, this does not happen often. I’ve never really received much male attention and it kind of freaks me out. The good-looking guys at work make me uncomfortable. I blame 8 years of girls’ school. I was a pretty thing when I was younger, but time and donuts have taken their toll and whatever vague and infrequent attention I once received is long gone (including that bizarre period in my early 30s when I was apparently catnip for men over 40). But, why be such a prude? What harm is a little flirting? Well, a) I’m not good at it and b) this office is really not like that and c) I’m sure I mentioned the Ron Jeremy part which brings me to d) I was already doing displacement activity such as getting up and moving around a bit, trying to make less eye contact when he brought out his coup de grace: he was telling me that he was going to stay home this weekend and play PlayStation and even if the power went out he could still play IDS (I don’t know, some alphabet thing) because he knows that as a profoundly furry* 50 year old man, nothing entices the ladies like a weekend of video games. AmIright?

*And I like ‘em furry, but do you remember that Simpsons when Homer sued the all you can eat restaurant and they put him in a window so people could watch him eat and one of the onlookers said, “I hear they shaved a gorilla?”. Well, the gorilla in question had not been shaved.

Dear Dorothy Snarker: Have you tried your local grocery store? No seriously. That's where most of the supplies you need are sold. (Sorry, but it's the Snark in your name that makes me sound snarky in my reply.

I've been through many hurricanes in Florida.
Here's what you'll need.

1. Fill your bath tub up with water. NO, it's not so you can drink it when your clean water runs out. It's so you can flush your toilet because if the pumping stations are out of electricity, then they're not refilling your toilet's tank.

2. Boil some water and fill thermoses with it. You'll want some hot water for making instant soup or tea or instant coffee. This is only good for about the first 8 hours, then the water gets cold, but it's boiled so it's good for something.

3. Hopefully you have a landline phone. Cell phones go out when the electricity to the towers goes out. But landline phones usually have backup power for a number of hours when there's no other electricity available. Yeah Landlines!

4. Buy lots of condoms. As Nate said, "Go to bed early," but there is lots of stuff you can do, cough cough.

5. Make sure you have lots of fresh batteries, for your flashlights, radios, vibrators (stuff to do in bed, cough cough).

*Taking notes*
Don't advertise video game playing.

Got it!

BWeaves, love your snark and I am so glad you explained the real deal with the bathtub water. I DO have a landline (everyone makes fun of me, BUT WHO'S LAUGHING NOW???) and lots of batteries. I'm glad for your sense of humor about hurricanes, everyone up here is losing their minds.

Where is your Troop Beverly Hills, Crowe? WHERE?

Don't be deceived. By William Castle's 13 Ghosts, he's actually covering up for his love of the remake Thir13en Ghosts from 2001 starring Tony Shaloub, Matthew Lillard and Shannon Elizabeth.

At the very least Rest In Peace , but I still want to move back to the West Coast.

Oh yeah, #1 best hurricane survival tip...don't listen to the constant TV "storm coverage". Those idiots don't know anything. They're just there to freak you out. Don't panic. (Towel optional.)

And BWeaves is right, the bathtub and sink water is mostly for non-drinking purposes. Sorry I didn't make that clear. But worse comes to worst, it's potable water and better than dehydration. Buy KoolAid mix (pre-sugared) if you don't think you could gag it down straight.

Actually, since it'll probably get really hot again if there's no power once the storm blows through, get Gatorade mix. The elctrolytes will help fight off dehydration.

Actually, you'll want to put a drop of bleach in the bathtub / sink water, just to keep pure (ish). It's still drinkable, but won't taste that great, so Nate's KoolAid mix idea is pretty good.

I'm also disappointed / impressed that no one has made the "Fleshlight = 2 Birds, 1 Stone" argument for hurricane preparedness... or do they not actually flash light?

Hurricane, schmerricane, I was born and raised in Miami Florida and we don’t get out bed unless it’s a category three or higher. Somebody wake me when that Mayan prophecy shit start.

Bah ha ha ha ha!

I must me a jaded old woman but that Korean comic, while a little startling, made me laugh. I love shit like that.

As a Louisianian, I feel I must weigh in on the hurricane preparedness commentary.

My comments may seem as if they are meant in jest, but I assure you, if you follow my advice, you will fare better than most.

1. Stock up on alcohol. Lots of it. You will find that it eases tensions (of which there will be many) when you find yourself trapped in a 100 degree house with two kids, one husband, a potbellied pig and a cat. Tip: This is best used AFTER the hurricane has passed. Alcohol can be used for minor surgeries (of which there will be many) because people will be bumping into things in the dark, tripping over things (in the dark), stepping on broken glass (how the hell did THAT get there?!!!) and burning themselves with candles and matches (alcohol is best used as a sedative in this case).

2. Buy the water in those gallon plastic jugs. Buy at least 15 gallons, then tell everyone not to drink it until they absolutely must. You do NOT need to drink very much each day to stay hydrated (unless you are hitting #1 heavily, in which case, keep a couple of gallons stashed away just for yourself [with a bottle of Alleve taped to the side, for handy use]).

3. Resign yourself to the fact that you will not shower or bathe for many days. A spitz bath, as my Creole mom used to say, is all that's necessary during "war time." She actually used to say "spit bath," but that grossed out us kids, so don't call it that.

4. Get out of the house and visit your neighbors. This is fun because there is nothing else to do but read (which requires light, so plan accordingly), and you may find that when you deliver a Cosmopolitan to a neighbor you never liked much, a friendship will blossom over sharing the most mundane details of your hurricane experience ("You're hot?" "Us too" = Friends)

5. Put a piece of tape over all of the light and appliance switches in the house. You will find yourself flipping them on a million times per day, so when the power returns, your house will sound like the Indy 500.

6. Charge up all phones and techno gadgets. Try to get a UPC battery backup for your computer.

7. Fill up pantry with canned goods and bread. Heat food over open flame outside or on grill or, if you have a gas stove, light up with matches and cook!

8. Try to be endlessly fascinated and curious about your predicament. It IS a test of your mettle as a human, so don't lose sight of your goal--to emerge with engaging, delightful stories about your trip to the seventh circle.

9. Think about the movie "Life Is Beautiful" because it's a reminder that there are worse things in the world to endure. And, life IS beautiful.

10. (This is schmaltzy, I know) Remember that there are millions of people all over the world who are hoping you will weather the storm without too much inconvenience and that they (I) are worried about you. You may find yourself becoming uncontollably weepy over the kindness of strangers. It's OK. Been there, done that.

I wish I could give you my cell number and say, "Call if you need anything," but this is impractical. However, If you DO need any advice, perhaps we could set up an Irene-Help blog and dispense tips as needed.

Oh, I almost forgot: Use dry ice in your cooler. It doesn't melt nearly as fast as regular ice and stays ferociously cold. (Tell the kids not to lick it!)

Mr. Stinky said I should clarify tip #4. I meant Cosmopolitan, as in the drink, not the, um, magazine. If you delivered the magazine, your neighbors might get the wrong message (or the right message, as the case may be for BWeaves; but hey, I'm not judgemental.)

Relatively gulf coast Texan here. I cannot stress the importance of booze enough. It's delightfully ironic to drink a hurricane whilst experiencing a hurricane. If for some reason you are fortunate enough to get the chance, you must go outside and stand in the eye. Being in the eye of a hurricane is one of the most awesome experiences. There are birds flying in it, and I briefly saw sunshine. And watched the inner wall of the storm come for me. Surreal.

When I was five, I had my first cognitive experience of a hurricane. My dad had colon cancer at the time, and was in the hospital. My relatives were in town because they thought he was going to die (he lived). But, there was so much bustle in our house---what with all the relatives and emergency alerts--- that no one was paying much attention to me.

As the eye of the hurricane approached us, I decided that I could be like Mary Poppins. I popped open my translucent, fuscia umbrella and headed for the great outdoors. I stood in the driveway and waited for the first great gust to take me away. I felt a tremendous burst of wind push through the umbrella and lift me, ever-so-slightly, off the ground... and then the umbrella turned inside out! I remember standing there in the driveway, thinking "WTF?!!" And then, the sky turned the color of green-pea soup, and everything went so, SO quiet. It was like the earth stopped breathing.

I know hurricanes cause horrific damage to life and property ---they are "evil" in so many ways--- but I can never forget that sense of awe I felt when I was five, for this force that revealed itself to me, like a secret between the oppressor and oppressed, as something at once fragile, terrifying and beautiful.

My husband, the man I've been with for 11 years, who claims to love me, forced me to watch the Korean comic thing a few days ago, because he loved it and thinks it's really clever. I'm still traumatized. I don't think I can trust him anymore.

Late to the party, but that hurricane for NYCers cracked me up today, because it is true. Though I didn't need to *buy* vodka (already well stocked) I did wander around Astoria on Sunday afternoon looking for a cool brunch place that would serve decent coffee that wasn't already jam-packed.

The hurricane was lovely for my social life. (though I must add the mandatory: I am very thankful that it did not seriously damage NYC, and that my relatives in the hurricane zone suffered nothing worse than flooded basements)

also - loved the gourds link! I would never find that on my own. A true Pajiba Love gem.

Hey, really good post. Made me wonder. How would this apply in my country?

October 5th is Clive Barkers Birthday and I just want to give him all the respect he deserves. Happy Birthday Clive!!!

October 5th is Clive Barkers Birthday and I just want to give him all the respect he deserves. Happy Birthday Clive!!!

anybody else hear Eminem in the rapping part?