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Evan Rachel Wood And Her Vitamin C Hair Threaten To Marry My Girl Crush.

By Joanna Robinson | Pajiba Love | April 19, 2011 |






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Good morning my Darling Dactyls and Pet Iambs, I don't have much to say about this year's Pulitzer Prize Winners but I will mention that if you haven't checked out Kay Ryan's poetry, you're doing yourself a disservice. Speaking of verse, I believe it was Dorothy Parker who wrote:

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect bacon rose. (Geekosystem)

Stephanie sent me that bacon bouquet, and I can't think of anything more aromatically romantic, though I suppose these "wedding rings" made from DNA are pretty sweet. Not to set the stir bar too high, lads, but if one of you could whip together some DNA for me, I would be ever so swoony. (Geek)

You know what does NOT make me swoon? All this Royal Wedding garbage. I am fully swoon-proof. There's a stupid Royal Wedding comic book, blatant, lowest common denominator pandering (read this URL, I beg of you) and even NBC (not known for its subtlety) is considering throttling back on the coverage. It's enough to make one sick, wouldn't you say? Don't worry, there's a sack for that. (The Curious Brain)

This is sick. . .or fresh. . .or boss. . .or whatever the kids are saying these days. It's a Wu-Tang Clan Name Generator and is, according to a totally reliable source, how Donald Glover picked his rapper name, "Childish Gambino." Mine is "Zexy Dreamer" which is about as perfect as it could be. (Wu-Tang Name Generator)

And when I have those zexy dreams, they are quite often about Ms. Kate Winslet. Apparently stupid Evan Rachel Wood shares my fascination. She talks to Esquire about Winslet whilst laying around in a variety of gothy/pin-up/cat burglar/seriously what color is her hair?/zexy outfits. (Evil Beet)

Have you read "Three Cups of Tea"? Greg Mortenson's HUGELY popular book and humanitarian project? Well Jon Krakauer's here to debunk it. You can download the entire disheartening exposé here. (Byliner)

You Pajiba Lovers know I adore a good infographic. Usually I link something fun and frivolous like this depiction of The Empire Strikes Back, but they are more often used for serious things like uncovering which dastardly companies paid fewer taxes than you did. Less taxes than you did? The headline says "less" and I think that's wrong. But that's not the point. The point is BASTARDOS! (GOOD)

It makes me want to move to Canada in 90 days. Why 90 days? Um, no reason. (Global Post)

In order to prepare for my glorious arrival, Canaduckians, could you eliminate all of your stupidest citizens so I don't have to deal with them? No need to hunt them down one by one, I know exactly where ALL the idiots will be. (The Globe and Mail)

Speaking of stupidity, the new Spider-Man design (for the comic, not the film) does nothing but remind me of one of the worst moments in recent cinematic history and for that I hate it. (Nerd Approved)

Because, listen, my Sticky Web Slingers, if I want to see Spider-Man dance (and sometimes I do), I'll opt for the Brazilian Disco version, thank you very much. This video takes a while to get to (solid) gold, so unless you enjoy the dulcet tones of Portuguese (vocĂȘ vem sempre aqui?), I would skip ahead to :42.

Finally, my friends, I know I haven't been at this very long, but I promise you, this is the most awful thing the internet has to offer. There's nothing worse. Not Bieber, not those girls and that cup, nothing. This is it. The grossest thing ever. It's a New Age-y montage of men apologizing to women. . .for. . .well. . .everything. And while I appreciate the sentiment, the result is just. . . vomitous. Let me know how far you get, I only made to to minute two.

Joanna Robinson a.k.a. Zexy Dreamer might have overdone the hyperbole on that last video, but she's still shuddering. Make it stop. Email! Twitter!


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