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Don't Try Your Nazi Charm On Me, Fassbender. If This Is True, We're Through.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (48)

michael-fassbender09-8-101.jpeg

I have a question, my gorgeous ghouls, how early is too early to plan your Halloween costume? Is now too early? Cause I’m pretty enamored with the idea of dressing as “Parks and Recreation” curmudgeon Ron Swanson. Wear a moustache, snark at people and eat these bacon meatballs all night? I see no downside. Well except for that massive coronary that will greet me on Nov. 1. (Pioneer Woman)

If it turns out my darling Michael Fassbender impregnated January Jones, well, I’m going to have a massive coronary anyway. My only love b*ning my only hate? Too early seen unknown and known too late! (Celebitchy)

I’m sorry, my loves, did I just Shakespeare you? Did I spray my doublet and hose all over your nice clean monitor? I apologize. However, while I’m being disgustingly erudite, let me just get this out of the way. Here’s a great list of 40 literary terms you should know. There are a lot of goodies on here including one of my my favorite words, sobriquet. (Centered Librarian)

You know who else is feeling rather cultured and erudite today? The Googles. They have a fantastic homage to choreographer Martha Graham on their main page in honor of her birthday. You can check out the video as well as learn a bit about the artist at his website. (Ryan Woodward Art)

But you, my darling Pajibans, are not just cultured, you’re pop-cultured. That’s why I know you’ll enjoy not only this great breakdown of some of “Community’s pop(POP)-culture references, but also this truly tubular list of why 1989 was the greatest year in television history. I was skeptical going in, but by the time they got to “American Gladiators,” I was a true convert. NITRO! (11 Points)

Speaking of American Gladiators, how about the SEAL Team 6 that took down Bin Laden? I was called out this weekend for cracking (un)wise about how many Navy officers will claim to be SEAL 6 just to score free drinks. Someone frostily told me Navy officers are more honorable than that. To him I say, in my most mature tone, TOLD YOU SO. From a pastor no less! (Penn Live)

Speaking of tall tales and religion, please read this fascinating piece about a company run by atheists who offer to take care of the pets of the faithful come The Rapture. That’s right, Don Bluth lied to you. Turns out NO dogs go to heaven. (Hobo Trashcan)

In my pinko commie heathen liberal opinion, a lot of the people involved in this story should be Left Behind as well. A young cheerleader has been kicked off her squad for refusing to cheer for the athlete she says raped her. The story is more complicated than that so I will let the article do the talking. (The League of Extraordinary Ladies)

In cheerier (if wholly fictional) high school sports news, have I convinced you to watch “Friday Night Lights” yet? It is, I swear, as good as I’m saying it is. One of its finest elements is the soundtrack provided by the great Explosions In The Sky. They have a new album out and once you’ve read this review of it, listen to some of the tracks. I’ve been listening all morning. It’s great music to write by. (Audiosuede)

Hipster baby indie darlings Pompalmoose, on the other hand, are detrimental to my productivity. Here they pay homage to that other productivity killer, Angry Birds.

Finally, my own hipster baby indie darlings, according to Buzzfeed, Minnesota is the most Hipster state in the U.S. Hmm, they make some good points, but could a faux lumberjack hipster do this?

Joanna Robinson doesn’t really know what the term “like a boss” means. Is it about Bruce Springsteen? Regardless, that dude chopped wood like a boss. Email! Twitter!









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Comments

Nitro's a wuss. Gemini or bust.

I guess it's time to start working on my Tammy costume. Sexy librarian doesn't play as well for dudes sadly.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 1:08 PM

Funny you should be talking about Halloween costumes.. I was considering doing River Song, Western Style... jacket, white shirt, jeans, boots, gun, Hello sweetie!

Posted by: jmd at May 11, 2011 1:11 PM

" but also this truly tubular list of why 1989 was the greatest year in television history"

Awesome. Awesome, to the max!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2011 1:11 PM

please read this fascinating piece about a company run by atheists who offer to take care of the pets of the faithful come The Rapture.

I love the whole, entire world.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at May 11, 2011 1:14 PM

Was discussing halloween costumes with the hubby the other night. Have already made the decision to be a ninja....because it's WARM.

Posted by: meh at May 11, 2011 1:15 PM

Speaking of only loves b*ning only hates, I just learned that Courtney Love has sunk her crazy claws into Michael Pitt...I have never wanted to un-know something more in my entire life.

Posted by: Jessie at May 11, 2011 1:15 PM

Aww buck up, Court. I'm sure Fassbender would cheat on Jones with you and that's killing two birds with one stone no?

Posted by: logan at May 11, 2011 1:16 PM

Isn't Minnesota the gayest place in America now too? Could be a connection...

Posted by: Kris at May 11, 2011 1:16 PM

I just learned that Courtney Love has sunk her crazy claws into Michael Pitt

...and now I have the saddest sad face I have ever made.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at May 11, 2011 1:20 PM

Navy Officers are honorable, huh?

Two Words: Tail and Hook.

Posted by: John W at May 11, 2011 1:21 PM

It's NEVER too early to start planning your Halloweener costume. WWJSD? (What would Jack Skelington do?)

Also, it's never too early to use acronyms.

Posted by: klingonfree at May 11, 2011 1:23 PM

...And in the "He nailed WHO?" department, I get all squinched up when I think of dear Edward Norton and food-borne-illness Courtney Love.

Silkwood shower!!!

Posted by: klingonfree at May 11, 2011 1:26 PM

Abed's stop-motion Claymation fantasy world, which was created (in real life) by the guy who plays Star-Burns on the show. Dino Stamatopoulos also created the stop-motion Claymation show "Moral Orel" for Adult Swim.

AND I learned something new! What a great day.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at May 11, 2011 1:36 PM

EW, doublet spray!

Posted by: Jerry at May 11, 2011 1:37 PM

Kris: Isn't Minnesota the gayest place in America now too? Could be a connection...

You beats me to it. I should have known those damn overpriced fixies were gay, as well as obviously evil.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at May 11, 2011 1:45 PM

John W, I thank you for making me laugh. I, too, recall the cavalcade of fun that was the Tailhook Scandal, with such wonderful bits as The Gauntlet, Ballwalking, and the rhino portrait with the lifelike penis that dispenses drinks. Good times, good times.

"Cooler, three veeks, Herr Fassbender..."

Depending on how tired I am at work, I will mystify people with occasional snatches of The Bard's work. It's fun to see the look on someone's face when you call them a thimblewit. "I am mad but north-northwest; when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw."

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 11, 2011 1:49 PM

It's Hotlanta, you knuckleheads. Neither Minneapolis nor any of the Minnesota cities even ranked.

Posted by: I Need More Allowance at May 11, 2011 1:50 PM

No way did FASSBENDER knock her up. Oh no. No. Nonononononono. Nope. NO. Nuh-uh. Not even. Just... no. Never. Hell nah.

And I won't believe it until Maury says otherwise.

Posted by: jM at May 11, 2011 1:51 PM

Look at me being all erudite for saying, "It must be Martha Graham's birthday," when I looked at Google this morning. God, I love being right. And now I discover that I know almost all of the literary terms. I would have known more in my younger days. Words like hamartia are not something I've had a lot of call for since graduation. Kind of like how your world revolves around the term hegemony for a while in 4th year and then you graduate and participate in it rather than discuss it.

And now a quasi-amusing anecdote about another of the literary terms:

A co-worker was telling me about the Gay Pride Parade in his home town of Savannah, GA. He explained it was very low key so as not to upset people and I said, "So pride, but not hubris?". And then he laughed and laug... actually, it was more of an impression of crickets.

It's times like these that Mr. Julien and I like to say, "We're so funny and educated."

I'll try again -

Recently I was making a purchase at Macy's and one of the two ladies behind the counter mentioned she was having a hot flash. The other lady asked me if I had started going through menopause yet and then she expressed shock when I said I hadn't.

::crickets::

I'll show myself out.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 1:57 PM

You made me look at her face again.

YOU MADE ME LOOK AT HER FACE AGAIN!!!!

AND I HAD TO READ THE NAME OF HER BAND AGAIN!!!


Well, there's my day shot.

Posted by: Jay at May 11, 2011 1:57 PM

"So pride, but not hubris?"

That's excellent. I wish I had that kind of wit in face to face situations, Mrs. J.

The second one I don't get...sorry.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 2:02 PM

I remember fuming over that cheerleader story when it broke in October 2010. It makes my blood boil to even think about it.

In completely unrelated business (I think the segue was Shakespeare - David Tennant as Hamlet - David Tennant as Kafka): BBC Radio 4 has a podcast called "Play of the Week", and it is literally a radio play every week. Last week they shared "Kafka: The Musical" with music written by Murray Gold (of Who tunes) and starring our belusted DT. It is worth checking out.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at May 11, 2011 2:15 PM

It was a good one, Socrates. You should have been there the time I said, "He thinks he's Allah that and a bag of chips." In context, it was freaking hilarious.

As for Macy's, it was kind of like asking a woman if she is pregnant. First she thought I LOOKED old enough to be menopausal (as a centennial baby I am not), then she had the temerity to ASK ME if I was THAT OLD and then added insult to injury by being SHOCKED by my denial.

Even as it was happening, I was planning the funny report to give to my friend as soon as I could use my phone.

Or maybe it just isn't that funny. What do I know? Without EE I have no way to validate my sense of verbal dexterity anymore. Or to feel slighted for oversights. I mean, come on, "I was fired for subordination once. I was a dominatrix at the time"? That is GOLD!

FASCISTS!

What was I saying?

I remember now:

I'm not old.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 2:16 PM

I haven't had more coffee than usual today. Why do you ask?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 2:22 PM

My lack of fallopian tubes may have contributed to me missing the point.

I'll make sure to let you know when you've found a good one. Clearly, my approval is all you really should desire anyway.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 2:24 PM

You make a vaild point. In the absence of periodic approbation from the possessor of a vas deferens, I have no way to determine my value. Thank you for being that vas deferens Socrates.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 2:32 PM

There's a vas deferens between men and women, you know.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 11, 2011 3:04 PM

But usually not as often as the men would like.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 3:09 PM

Scene: Hospital room, circa 1978

"She seems so cold and aggressively uninteresting... oh honey, let's name her "January.""

Posted by: firedmyass at May 11, 2011 3:20 PM

Gosh darn it, Mrs. Julien, you made my morning. How's that for validation? You always make me laugh. (In the best way.)

And I totally got the menopause thing. Boy would my hide be chapped if someone pulled that shit on me!

Also, @jM: And I won't believe it until Maury says otherwise.

Damn right! Paternity DNA test or GTFO.

Posted by: MM at May 11, 2011 3:21 PM

If it turns out to be be true though, that may be the only time Maury actually tells a baby-daddy he can let this one slide.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 3:24 PM

Mrs. J always helps make my day. Is that okay, what with my male genitalia and all?

And, no, JoRo, it's never too early to start planning your Halloween costume, because it could always be too late. I'm debating re-imagining last year's to match the Hangover II, or going with a Zach Galifianakis/Rob Liefeld crossover and dressing as Fat Zombie Jesus.

Oh, and yeah, 1989 was clearly where it was at.

Posted by: RobP at May 11, 2011 3:28 PM

RobP Based on earlier comments in the thread, I would say that it is more than okay as your undercarriage apparently has greater validation properties than those of a daughter of Eve.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 11, 2011 3:30 PM

I feel like I'm being made fun of some how...

I'm starting to feel inadequate about the validation properties of my vas deferens. I mean my last girl friend said it was very validating, but she may have just been patronizing me.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 3:40 PM

Speaking of rock bands and big words, I learned the meaning of sobriquet while trying trying to figure out what the Mars Volta song "Televators" was about. An ultimately futile, yet enlightening task.

Posted by: Socraz6 at May 11, 2011 3:53 PM

I'm old and a woman, and even I don't get the menopause jokes. I had absolutely no symtoms, other than my period stopped.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 11, 2011 4:05 PM

Pardon me for making light of the subject, BWeaves, but would you say it put a period on your period?

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 11, 2011 5:09 PM

It's Hotlanta, you knuckleheads. Neither Minneapolis nor any of the Minnesota cities even ranked.

Your link is soooooooo 2010.

2011 is a brave new year:
http://www.advocate.com/Print_Issue/Travel/Gayest_Cities_in_America_February_2011/

Posted by: Riffraffish at May 11, 2011 5:54 PM

I was called out this weekend for cracking (un)wise about how many Navy officers will claim to be SEAL 6 just to score free drinks. Someone frostily told me Navy officers are more honorable than that.

How is nobody else offended that the guy in that article was not a Navy officer lying about, well, anything? He wasn't a Navy officer at all, that was what he was lying about. Now, if the Someone had said that pastors were more honorable than that, you may have some recourse, although whoever would make a statement like that is obviously beyond help.

I expected more journalistic integrity around here, missy.

Posted by: SaBrina at May 11, 2011 7:14 PM

Moats in his mea culpa Sunday said that he did serve in the Navy from his enlistment in October 1970 until his honorable discharge in July 1974 but did not serve in Vietnam as he said Friday. -the Penn Live article

I guess he's not necessarily an officer going off of this, but he did serve in the Navy.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 11, 2011 7:18 PM

Never mind! Just realized my mistake. Too much sugar. But more people should follow that link anyways. It's hilarious.

Posted by: SaBrina at May 11, 2011 7:19 PM

Heh, and it looks like other people realized my mistake too.

Posted by: SaBrina at May 11, 2011 7:21 PM

All I have to add to the discussion is a plug to my own linkage to Pomplamoose. I'm still not completely sure of what the connectionis with them and Jack Conte, but it was someone from Pomplamoose who corresponded with me when they asked if Jack Conte could use my artwork for his online and iTunes videosong cover of Lady Gaga's song Judas. Click "show more" to see my credit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckhPN_dH0xs

The actual iTunes link with my work:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/judas-jack-conte-version/id434673384?i=434673392&ign-mpt=uo%3D4

Posted by: Protoguy at May 12, 2011 2:14 AM

Hey Joanna, remember when you told me I looked like Michael Fassbender?

I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT.

Posted by: Caspar at May 12, 2011 12:44 PM

Beware the early Halloween costume purchase.

In 2008 I got my costume in February. However, due to 2008 presidential election I was forced to scrap my original costume in favor of a more topical Assassinated Sarah Palin.

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Posted by: Lou Janiszewski at June 15, 2011 2:47 AM