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Christina Hendricks Will Bend the Internet On Its Axis

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (36)



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The past week has seen two high-profile stand up comedians — Dane Cook (FilmDrunk) and Aziz Ansari (Vulture) — bomb spectacularly and one — Tracy Jordan — collapse on stage. (FilmDrunk) I just love that Cuba Gooding, Jr., of all people, had to save Aziz Ansari from an unruly crowd.

Sterling Archer Draper Pryce is the greatest TV mashup in the history of all time ever of today. The idea of Christina Hendricks saying, “I’m so wet you could drown a toddler in my panties” might have just bent the Internet on its axis. (Uproxx)

Fact: All black women look the same. Proof: (Warming Glow)

Back in the day, there was a “Daredevil” and “Black Widow” series in development for television, and guess who was tapped to play Black Widow? David Bowie’s then wife. I’ll give her this: She looks better than Scarlett Johansson in the role. (The Mary Sue)

In the wake of Lana Del Rey’s “SNL” performance, here’s the 7 worst musical performances in “SNL” history, a list I wanted to curate but my mind went blank after Ashlee Simpson. All these, however, ring bells. (Screenjunkies)

No big deal, but here’s “Where the Wild Things Are” as read the way it was originally intended, by CHRISTOPHER F**KING WALKEN. (Curious Brain)

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You like the above photo from Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows? Because there’s another one with Michelle Pfieffer over on (Ropes of Silicon), and if you squint, you can even spot His Royal Baby Goose in a still from Gangster Squad.

When you watch Haywire — and you should — it’s difficult to escape the thought that Gina Carano would make one hell of an awesome Wonder Woman. That thought has now turned into a full-fledged rumor. She would make an excellent companion to Nicolas Winding Refn’s direction. MAKE IT HAPPEN. (Moviefone)

In my review of Underworld Awakenings last week, Pinky McLadybits created a new category of folks who love both the Underworld and Resident Evil franchises: The Fancy as F*ck Club. I hope to one day be initiated into that club, but I think that Statham movies should be included. Here’s the poster for his next flick, Safe. (Geek Tyrant)

When people interview Errol Morris, I often wonder if he just stares at the interviewer until the interviewer answers his own questions. Here’s a fantastic interview with the director. (Dave Chen)

Did you guys hear Steven Tyler’s National Anthem yesterday? Here’s a suggestion: Don’t. (Celebitchy) Oh, and speaking of Steven Tyler, Jim Carrey’s daughter auditioned on “American Idol” last week. Even if you didn’t know it was Jim Carrey’s daughter, the teeth are a dead give away. (YouTube)

Rape jokes are all the rage in televised sitcoms this season, but there’s one thing all these sitcoms have in common: They’re terrible.

Nothing follows rape jokes better than a bear who walks like a human. IT WALKS UPRIGHT, PEOPLE.










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Comments


I hope the next montage features "rape-rape" jokes. Then maybe we can have a montage of celebrities and others who have likened fame to rape.

That one sitcom with the badly dressed waitresses looks fucking dreadful.

Posted by: klingonfree at January 23, 2012 1:11 PM

This calls for Whoopie Goldberg to explain the difference between "rape" and "rape-rape," at least as it pertains to highly-regarded directors who drug and sodomize children.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 23, 2012 1:23 PM

okay I'll admit I snickered at the 'like a viking on a rape quest' line from wilfred.

only because it was so out of nowhere

Posted by: desmedt at January 23, 2012 1:27 PM

I haven't even seen "Haywire" yet, but would be completely on board for Gina Carano as Wonder Woman. Film, TV, whatever. Now's your chance, Hollywood...do something for the little girls, a possibly solid career boost, and for a character who hasn't quite gotten her time in a number of years.

That's official word from Pajiba's unofficial superhero. Take it as you will.

Posted by: Green Lantern at January 23, 2012 1:30 PM

I am so glad Goldberg is continuing to NEVER LIVE DOWN her remarks about Polanski. I can't think of any behaviour she has found inexcusable or indefensible. Oh Mel, oh Roman, you scamps!

Speaking of hysterical celebrities, Mr. Julien just read the article in Vanity Fair where Johnny Depp made his insensitive remarks and came to me to say, "Can you believe this sh*t?". I filled him in on the Kim Novak debacle.

Speaking of celebrities we do like, I was very uncomfortable with the part of Patton Oswalt's last DVD, My Weakness Is Strong that made a joke about Uncle Touchy's Funtime Basement, or whatever it was called. I don't want to hear jokes about children being abused. It's not funny.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 23, 2012 1:33 PM

DO you suppose those people knew that the bear was just looking for the weak spot in the glass?

Call it a Monday morning grumpy attack, but I hate when people look at majestic animals like bears and call them "cute". These are the same idiots who will run up close to them to get a photo in the wild and then sue the Park Service when they get mauled.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 23, 2012 1:33 PM

I don't get the fascination with the bear. Bears stand up, walk a bit, etc. What's fucking ridiculous is the tourists in the bus.

Posted by: Brenton at January 23, 2012 1:46 PM

I embrace my Monday Grumpy Attack:

I really cannot stand Tim Burton. He is the world's greatest art director of the camp/goth/campygoth/gothycamp niche, but he should never, never be allowed to write or direct He is a hack in love with red and black.That's right! I'm so grumpy, I'm writing my thoughts in rhyme! Burton's Alice was a cinematic crime. His pseudo-adaptive artistic drivel needs to be ignored by us all, fo' shizzle. Bunch of self-indulgent twaddle, even if in literature it is swaddled.


Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 23, 2012 1:53 PM

That SNL list includes Karmin. I don't know what they've read about them, but The Roots have already befriended them and let them play a set during one of their concerts. The crowd and the band went nuts. Annoying? Possibly. Bad performers of the Lana Del Ray persuasion? Hardly.

Posted by: Robert at January 23, 2012 2:12 PM

Oh can I pile on the Tim Burton hate? Let me get this out of the way: I love Nightmare Before Christmas but I think so much of that has to do with my deep affection for Danny Elfman/Catherine O'Hara/Chris Sarandon etc.

Burton has ruined more stories, and many of them are well cataloged on this site. PLanet of the Apes was a slice of my childhood! Ruined. But the most egregious was Sleepy Hollow. His insistence on inventing a back story for every damned character, for changing things to suit HIM makes me ill. He thinks he can improve on Washington Irving??

See, I was not cranky before. But I am now.

Posted by: klingonfree at January 23, 2012 2:12 PM

Whatever, whatever, when are you going to tell us about Pajiba's Sundance dismissal? I want answers!

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at January 23, 2012 2:13 PM

klingonfree is an individual of remarkable taste and perspicacity.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 23, 2012 2:21 PM

Yeaaaaaah

The Headless Horseman didn't really need a motive. Or history. That's what makes a ghoul scary, folks, the unknown.

Jeez. I'd forgotten about that movie. Now that I've recalled it I likewise recall why I avoid Tim-All-My-Movies-Look-The-Same-Burton.

I would also like all the goth kids to know: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass are full of whimsy, charm, beauty and fun intended for an eight year old child. Yes, there are some dark elements in there, but mostly the world was envisioned as bright and vibrant, like Oz. Stop trying to make it into Blade Runner for pity's sake.

Posted by: lubeg at January 23, 2012 2:34 PM

Here we go again

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2012 2:56 PM

So I guess I'm the only person left in the world who unapologetically loves Tim Burton movies?

I guess I'm okay with that.

Yes: I even liked his Wonka movie better than the one that everyone else thinks was the best moment of their childhood.

Posted by: Fribbley at January 23, 2012 3:40 PM

Why should have I ever doubted that was Johnny Depp?

Posted by: Matt at January 23, 2012 3:46 PM

Oh, I hate that Wonka movie too, but for the opposite reason. It has to be the UGLIEST film ever made. If they could combine the art direction of Burton and the script/performances of the original, then you'd have a great movie. Maybe Burton should have done a shot by shot remake a la Van Sant.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 23, 2012 3:51 PM

i was home sick from work, on the couch torturing myself with "the today show". but on mute. i know, still torture.

i looked up to see what i thought was an old woman, possibly a drug addict, singing at some sporting event. i thought, "oh, how nice that they are letting this unattractive old lady sing the anthem!"

and then i saw it was steven tyler.

Posted by: glittergirl at January 23, 2012 4:08 PM

I LOVE THE FANCY AS FUCK CLUB.

Posted by: figgy at January 23, 2012 4:09 PM

Maybe Burton should take a directing class and work on writing the one different script.

Oh but the Hot Topic cookie cutter goth he brings to the table makes up for EVERYTHING.

Posted by: googergieger at January 23, 2012 4:16 PM

Sleepy Hollow is one of the very few Burton movies I can watch, but it's mostly for the Hessian!

C'mon, Ray Parks and Christopher Walken? Who couldn't love that?

And I gotta say, that shot of Johnboy as Barnabas is pretty decent. And then I saw the second shot. Not so much.

Posted by: Protoguy at January 23, 2012 4:50 PM

I, for one, welcome our ursine overlords.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at January 23, 2012 4:58 PM

a list of the worst musical SNL performances that includes the legendary Fear set is beyond clueless.

Posted by: h8r at January 23, 2012 5:29 PM

I never watched any of those sitcoms...but jesusfuckingchrist those jokes are offensive. Even to someone like me who has no real limits. Fuck, they found them. Are they meant to be less offensive, as the shows they are from are produced by women?

As for the SNL musical guests...they have been awful for the most part for the last decade or so. Clearly the record companies are paying for these new "artists" to be on the show. But they all suck. And they all disappear quickly. Look back at the early years of SNL guests. All established musical artists. Who, if still living, are still making music. Do you think any of these current douchebags will be around in 35 yrs?

Posted by: Sean at January 23, 2012 5:39 PM

Gina Carano = the Hipster Flavor of the Month

Posted by: SoBadIt'sGood at January 23, 2012 6:20 PM

You people do realize that Tim Burton didn't write Sleepy Hollow, don't you? Blame Andrew Kevin Walker (Se7en) for giving all the characters backstories...tools...

Alice was shit, though...I'll give you that.

Posted by: Juicy Weatherbee at January 23, 2012 7:38 PM

I'm with you, Fribbley. Fuck 'em all.

And also, that photo of goofy, stupid young Jim Carrey holding his baby was ADORABLE.

I also thought the bear was cute. I don't really *see* bears that often, see, and when I do, they're generally loping along on all fours, so it was kind of neat to see. I would never approach a bear in the wild, by the way. Just because I enjoyed this brief video clip does not mean I'm an idiot.

Jesus, what a bunch of ornery, cantankerous motherfuckers.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 23, 2012 8:30 PM

Apparently, I have a weirder opinion of Tim Burton than anyone else: I love some of his movies, like some of his movies, and don't like some of his movies.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 23, 2012 8:45 PM

Hi Juicy. It's me, a "tool" who apparently does not frequent Imdb as obsessively as some. Whether otr not Burton put pen to paper for Sleepy Hollow, it is of a piece with his modus operandi in that he/they insist(s) on injecting detail where none is called for. Ichabod Crane, who is no longer an itinerant school teacher, apparently had a mother trapped in an iron maiden. Huh. Willie Wonka, who was a complete mystery in the book and first film is now the son of OCD dentists. If Andrew Kevin Walker wrote Sleepy Hollow the movie I have no doubt Burton's smudgy grey fingerprints were all over it...or perhaps they being of like mind, just found each other: How serendipitous.

Also, I'm not a tool. Mrs Julien says I am (scrolls up) possessed of great perspicacity. I do wonder though, if she means "perspicacity" or "perspicacity-perspicacity."

Posted by: klingonfree at January 23, 2012 10:14 PM

The Headless Horseman didn't really need a motive. Or history. That's what makes a ghoul scary, folks, the unknown.

It didn't. It was a tool used by another character. Damnit, people, at least get your facts straight when you're complaining.

In the same vein, I could complain about Washington Irving's misappropriation of a perfectly fine mythic figure and making a joke out of it.

Everything's a remix. So shut the fuck up.

Posted by: FabMax at January 23, 2012 10:22 PM

look at 3-19 being all reasonable. You'll never make it here with that attitude kid! You need long rambling incoherent rants.

Thank you for the Archer/mad men mash-up! Love it. I think the toddler one is my new wallpaper.

Posted by: logan at January 23, 2012 10:31 PM

Nicely put.

Posted by: Jay at January 23, 2012 10:31 PM

I KNOW MY WALKEN, and that, my good sir/madame, is no real walken. I say good day.

Posted by: Benzo at January 23, 2012 11:46 PM

There is only one true Barnabas, and it was Ben Cross.

Posted by: Salad_Is_Murder at January 24, 2012 1:37 AM

I'd rather have 1000 Tim Burton movies that most of the embarrassing shit that comes out every year (heck, every week) in movie theaters. And it would be fun if a lot of the above-mentioned shit would get the Tim Burton treatment. Wrath of the Titans would be my first candidate.
How can people whine about Tim Burton???? Clichés, begone!

Posted by: marigi at January 24, 2012 4:48 AM

No sir. File-tooth Hessian Walken is boss.

Tim Burton is not. Two words. Oompa Loompa.
How do you fuck up Oompa Loompas? Hack.

Posted by: Protoguy at January 24, 2012 3:23 PM