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Chief Among Liam Neeson's Very Particular Set of Skills? The Ability To Make Me Atomic Fetal Weep.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (38)

Liam Neeson.jpeg

Greetings my little (I mean very little…preferably tiny) loin cloths and oiled pecs, this sweet poster on “How To Steal Stuff” loses all real world applicability by suggesting you enlist the aid of a falcon(Mordecai?) when everyone knows that a pair of ferrets are the best and most larcenous pets. Or, has not everyone seen The Beastmaster eleventy billions times? (the Whoa!)

Speaking of furry sidekicks, hav-en’t you always wanted a Woo-KIE? Well I have, and I would hang this close-up portrait of Chewie on my wall in a heartbeat. Check out the rest of the gallery while you’re at it. (Unreality Mag)

Other things I want on my wall? Any single one of these mind meltingly bizarre Polish film posters. (Film Drunk)

The Music Festival I Secretly Have Always Wanted To Attend, Bonnaroo, has announced their 2011 line-up. Some of the bands are really exciting (Gogol Bordello??!! I’m listening to them right now!) but who the crap is Arcade Fire? (Bonnaroo)

Perhaps you heard the horrifying story of American news reporter Lara Logan and how she was beaten and sexually assaulted while covering the protests in Egypt. If you did, I am convinced, dear readers, that your reaction, whatever it may have been, was better than these. (Salon)

In brighter (if not wholly confirmed) Egyptian news, the military allegedly defied ex-President Mubarak’s orders to slaughter the protesters in Tahrir Square. This gives me hope for the current military state. (America Blog)

Bookstore uber chain Borders filed for bankruptcy and are closing many of their locations, which makes the independent bookseller (I did it for years) in me do a little celebratory jig. But then I think about all the Borders employees who will lose their jobs, the dominance of eReaders and the perilous state of printed books in general and my jig takes a mournful turn. Mournful jigs are the worst. I’m going to go watch You’ve Got Mail. (Bleeding Cool)

And speaking of machinesohmygawdthey’retakingover, the “Skynet” quips were flying 2 fast and 2 furious yesterday in reference to the supercomputer Watson and his guest stint on Jeopardy! NPR asks you to take that notion seriously. (NPR)

However, I am convinced, my darling Daily Doubles, that if Trebek could rig the game, he would. He really hates that computer. (Hijinks Ensue)

For the first time since his wife’s death in 2009, Liam Neeson gave an interview to “Esquire” about losing the lovely and talented Natasha Richardson. Warning, here be tears. (Celebitchy)

Your link wench really did tear up at that Neeson article. I’m a soft touch. If only I looked as fetching as Natalie Portman whilst crying. Here’s a montage of her weeping with Juliane Moore-esque face contortions. A majority of the clips come from one movie. Yeah, The Other Boleyn Girl, I didn’t want to watch you anyway.

And finally, in non-weepy but also foregone conclusion Oscar-winner news, here is an adorable rap about The King’s Speech. No, honestly, it’s adorable. Wait until the Will Smith stops and the speech impediments begin.

Joanna Robinson possesses a pah-pah-pah-particular enunciation mixed with a pah-pah-pah-peculiar pronunciation. Stop. STAMMER TIME. Feel free to fling righteous indignation about stammer jokes to godtopuswept@gmail.com









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Comments

Speaking as a former Borders employee, there are a lot of us with conflicted, lukewarm feelings.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at February 16, 2011 1:09 PM

And now come the Bieberoo YouTube responses...

Speaking of furry sidekicks, hav-en’t you always wanted a Woo-KIE?

But not a real Wookie, that's cruel.

Posted by: branded at February 16, 2011 1:21 PM

-Phasewalking seems like it would be more appropriate for thievery.

-I'm pretty sure the only thing that would push Trebek over the edge is if the machine asked him why he shaved his mustache.

Also, Trebek is awesome. Not that anynone was necessarily disputing that. My favorite exchange:
"Ooh, "Ill take 'The Dark Times.'"

"Ok, for how much?"

"2000"

"Although an extensive criminal investigation was launched, I was never charged, and the sheep were never found."

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 16, 2011 1:22 PM

The Kindle was Borders downfall, Netflix was Blockbusters downfall. Technology has saved and destroyed many industries.

Posted by: Pookie at February 16, 2011 1:23 PM

I don't think there is anything to celebrate about the Borders bankruptcy, unless you really love proprietary format e-readers and giant online retailers who do far, far more to bully publishers and authors and manipulate the market to improve their bottom line than a humble corporate chain could ever dream of.

600 fewer bookstores is not a good thing, even if they were shitty bookstores.

Posted by: Yossarian at February 16, 2011 1:35 PM

Yay for Gogol Bordello! I have so much love for that band!

And yes, many tears for Liam Neeson. Esp. him and that poodle. Sads.

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 16, 2011 1:36 PM

this single hideous bead on the necklace of his life

That, on top of Neeson's description of the physicality of that pain, killed me.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 16, 2011 1:37 PM

let's not forget, either, that borders was, for many years, the ultimate independent bookseller. i frequented the original borders, pre-k-mart buyout, as an undergrad in ann arbor, and at the time it was a simple 2-story storefront. it later bought out and expanded into the adjacent building, then across the street...and in each expansion it lost some charm.

the borders family made a terrible mistake when they sold it.

Posted by: matty blue at February 16, 2011 1:38 PM

Oh good. A thread for me to rant about Jeopardy!. I've been stewing about it since the show. Here's my take on Watson.

In terms of interpreting language, I acknowledge that Watson is an amazing creation. I don't intend to take away anything from that achievement.

However, once we get past that aspect of its machinery, I do have reservations about its Jeopardy! dominance. It seems to me that the single biggest factor in tearing Rutter and Jennings to shreds was its consistently unbeatable buzzer speed. It's no surprise at all that we can create a machine that has faster reactions than a human being. I expect that's something we could have accomplished twenty years ago. I am left with two big questions.

First, out of curiosity, how does Watson's buzzer operate? Is there a sensor rigged to detect when that light goes on that indicates that a contestant is allowed to ring in? Alex told us at the beginning that Watson does not "see" or "hear" anything, but Watson would have to do just that in order to operate the buzzer so effectively.

Second, what would be the result of a simple written test of all 61 clues with percentage correct indicating the winner? Surely Watson would not dominate so heavily. Jennings and Rutter probably would give it a run for its money. I realize that's not how Jeopardy! is played, but giving a machine essentially the all-time first option at answering a clue (which is exactly what is happening here for most answers) is not exactly consistent with the usual dynamic of the game either. The importance of the buzzer speed in this contest has rendered any advantage to be gained from either language or knowledge insignificant, thus undermining what it is about Watson that is most incredible.

So, those are the big questions. A more minor question would be about Watson's wagering algorithm. Did they program Watson to play a single game of Jeopardy! as if that's the only game? Did they give it extra data to account for the fact that this is a two-day event, because that should affect wagering strategy?

Oh, and Watson...Toronto? For all the impressive deductions that you made in winning that game, are you not programmed to restrict your responses to cities in the United States when the category is "U.S. Cities"? Slip-ups like that leave me wondering if an enterprising programmer and English language expert could analyze the questions you did miss and come up with a board of clues that could completely stymie you.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 16, 2011 1:48 PM

"The Kindle was Borders downfall"

Don't you mean Amazon.com and the realization that places like Borders were charging you far more than was necessary for books and DVD's?


And I for the life of me can't understand how Watson could not get the answer to the Final Jeopardy question, when that question was one of the easiest Final Jeopardy questions possible. Seems to me there is something to be said about a program missing possibly the easiest question of the game.

Second, how are the questions inputted? When a category is selected by a competitor, the question appears and Trebek reads it. Is the question inputted immediately upon choosing into Watson?

If so, wouldn't that give Watson an unfair advantage? Seems to me the computer wasn't smarter than the humans, proof of which is it missing final jeopardy, it's just that the computer is faster at processing the question, which it does all at once rather than word for word, as a human would, and faster at ringing in.


Posted by: Some Guy at February 16, 2011 1:53 PM

And that collection of comments about Lara Logan was sickening. I don't find it hard to believe that jackasses exist in this world, but it never ceases to amaze me the level of jackassery that said jackasses are willing to project through a megaphone.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 16, 2011 1:55 PM

What Darth said.

Posted by: Some Guy at February 16, 2011 1:56 PM

Nice reference to "If I had $1M" by BNL. Oh Jeff Winger would be sooooo angry (See the beginning of last week's Community for more clarification)

Posted by: swingdude at February 16, 2011 1:57 PM

Damn. That Liam interview...

Posted by: Rykker at February 16, 2011 2:04 PM

However, I am convinced, my darling Daily Doubles, that if Trebek could rig the game, he would. He really hates that computer.

I know! I love his underhanded comments. It makes me wish they could bring back the SNL skits just for this.

Posted by: jM at February 16, 2011 2:08 PM

Watson receives the clue via text file at the moment they are revealed to the human competitors.

DarthCorleone has it exactly right and it's pretty obvious when you see Brad and Ken frantically trying to ring in after the system's already locked them out. In fact, I'm fairly certain buzzer speed more than anything else is why Ken Jennings had his gigantic winning streak. After about 10 games of practice, it was pretty much impossible for anyone to get in first as long as he knew the answer. He finally lost to a woman with a very modest score because he got a fairly easy Final Jeopardy clue wrong. When everyone is good, it's all about who is fastest on the draw, and the computer clearly dominates that.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 16, 2011 2:12 PM

Have you ever had a day where you spend the entire time feeling like you're about to cry and maybe you'd feel better if you did, but know that usually you just feel silly afterwards especially since you are at work and look like a beet when you cry, and even so you know that if someone looks at you wrong you're going to lose it and maybe if you can hold on you could cry in the car, but the commute is too short and the tears too potentially copious to bring back into check before you see your child and besides you have to get home, make dinner and immediately head back out to do a thing you committed to so there is no time to let go? Anyone?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 16, 2011 2:26 PM

Yes, in fact, today. I'm sorry for these links and if they prove a tipping point. Let's go to Panama.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 16, 2011 2:27 PM

I'd settle for the window seat.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 16, 2011 2:29 PM

That clip made me realize how many of Natalie Portman's movies I haven't seen.

Posted by: Brenton at February 16, 2011 2:31 PM

Mrs. Julien,

Yesterday for one.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 16, 2011 2:38 PM

Mordecai?

You sure it's him? Maybe the sumbitch is molting!

Posted by: Jay at February 16, 2011 2:48 PM

Thank you, Joanna.

I wasn't going to click that link to the Liam Neeson interview. I had to work myself up to it, but I'm glad I read it.

And now I think I'm going to go outside and look at the snow and breathe the air for a while.

Posted by: Wintermute at February 16, 2011 2:49 PM

No way I am clicking on that Lara Logan link. Darth got it in one. I has the proverbial sad.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 16, 2011 2:57 PM

Yes, I have, Mrs. Julien. Sorry that you have as well. Fortunately, I don't look that bad after a long cry in the men's room stall.

Posted by: Drake at February 16, 2011 3:55 PM

I am definitely not happy about Borders filing for bankruptcy, especially when one of the stores that's closing is my favorite bookstore. It's chill, the employees (most of whom have been there for years) know me and let me browse unabated, the music isn't blaring, and it's the only place I can get Seattle's Best in a 20 mile radius. I go there once a week, literally, to buy new books and magazines as the only other bookstores are B&N and Half-Priced Books, and I dislike both for their atmosphere and the latter's distinct lack of a cafe. (Books and coffee are two smells that go great together, H-PB just smells like old). No, this is not good news.

God, I hate Barnes and Noble. I don't wanna shop there. /whine

Posted by: RobP at February 16, 2011 4:06 PM

The proof that Liam Neeson interview is really sad? No-one has even thought of making the usual "don't fret, Liam, I'll look after you" quips.

I didn't even get to the really sad part before crying. First of all he calls his son "my bonny boy" which was what my dead father always called my little brother: cue silent weeping.
Then he starts about the dog and every time I go on a trip I'm so afraid something will happen and my dogs will never understand why they've been abandoned: cue loud sobbing.

Panama it is then.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 16, 2011 4:18 PM

I've stop going to Liam Neeson’s movies because someone that he loves always gets the shit beat out of them or either they get killed. And he always walks around with that sour puss expression on his face.

Posted by: Pookie at February 16, 2011 4:44 PM

I'm trying to get the link for the Stammer Time rap video but I can't seem to extrapolate it on my iPad. I've searched it on YouTube (stammer time, kings speech, parody, will smith, etc) but still no luck finding it.

Can someone give me the link? In return I offer you the original Stutter Rap from 1987 - a British parody of the Beastie Boys...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAIOzM7SsMo&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Posted by: JoJo at February 16, 2011 5:10 PM

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 16, 2011 5:13 PM

If Kindle was the downfall of Borders, Borders didn't exactly step up with their piece of shit e-reader, the Kobo.
It's lousy, everyone at my job hates it.

Posted by: MyySharona at February 16, 2011 5:27 PM

Okay, I watched it. Was something funny supposed to happen?

Posted by: Jay at February 16, 2011 6:14 PM

I'd settle for an Ewok.

Posted by: Lordninja at February 16, 2011 6:40 PM

Sounds like we all need a massage and maybe some hot Mens and Womens on our TVs.

And popcorn. Always popcorn.

Posted by: Figgy at February 16, 2011 7:00 PM

And as to that Salon link, all I can say is

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE.

Posted by: Figgy at February 16, 2011 7:09 PM

Oh God, I couldn't help but weep reading that Liam Neeson article. And picturing him in Love Actually as a grieving widower wasn't helping any.

Posted by: Athena at February 16, 2011 10:54 PM

Thanks darth. I thought for a second that nobody was going to comment on the lara story. Ive been raped. F*ck all those evil naysayers. Joanna, you can't have a story like that AND liam all in one pajiba love...unless you start calling it a seriously random list on why to slit your writs instead.

Posted by: Eloquence at February 17, 2011 12:26 AM

Yay! Both of my favorite Borderses are staying open.

And also, I could not even bring myself to click on the Lara Logan link because the little I've already seen/heard is so appalling and disgusting i just couldn't hack it.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 17, 2011 10:16 AM