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Boobs! It's The All-T*ts Edition of Pajiba Love!

By Seth Freilich | Pajiba Love | January 28, 2013 | Comments ()


carla-gugino-tongue.jpg

And so it's come to this. It's a miserable Monday at the end of the month, and Dustin is scraping the bottom of the f*cking barrel for the ol' Pajiba Love. I'm not sure I've ever done an ol' PL before and, frankly, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

I'm supposed to post about sock monkeys, right? Well check out this "tiniest sock monkey." (Etsy)

I wonder if this guy has purchased the tiniest sock monkey yet:


Two thousand sock monkeys! ...Think he does anything untoward with the sock monkeys? Totally does, right? Totally.

The thing I don't like about sock monkeys is that they're always watching. Just sitting there watching you do your dirty business. F*cking Peeping Toms. And according to bizarre posters popping up down in Huntington Beach (presumably as part of some stupid prank), Louis C.K. is also a sock monkey. Which is to say, a Peeping Tom. (LAist)

Speaking of watching things you shouldn't be watching, I know how much some of our American readers wish they could access BBC's iPlayer. Similarly, all your fur'ner readers are constantly complaining about Hulu's jurisdictional blocks. Well, Papa Freilich's got the cure to all your woes. (Lifehacker)

Sometimes, we have to cheat and install plugins to watch the good things. Sometimes, it's as easy as subscribing to a video podcast. You subscribe to The Rachel Maddow Show, right? What, you don't like smart and funny? Heathen. (NBCnews podcasts)

You prefer your smart and funny of the fictional variety? Then you should be reading Hawkguy Hawkeye, the best Marvel comic in a long time. (av club)

hawkeye-guy.jpg

Speaking of comics, did you hear that the connection between the original X-Men trilogy and the upcoming X-Men: Days of Future Past has deepened further? Director Bryan Singer has confirmed three more actors from the original set of films that will be appearing in his sequel to X-Men: The First Class. (io9)

Last Friday, our friend over at Unreality (who frequently posts about comics) took a break from his usual great nerd and sci-fi posting to present us with his Origin Story, after his photo wound up on Cracked.com, and it's an entertaining read with an obvious statement which we should constantly remind ourselves of: "[W]hat you write about [on] the Internet stays there forever, so you should be damn sure to be able to live with everything you've said." Also, interestingly enough, our own Overlord Rowles similarly began his journalism career with some secret college Greek reporting although, if I recall correctly, he didn't exactly gain any popularity as a result of it all. (Unreality)

Speaking of Overlord Rowles, didja see on Friday when he chewed out NBC for its failed plan to aid in the dumbing down of America with a proliferation of broad comedies? (Warming Glow)

He doesn't quite go so far as wishing that NBC execs would die, but if one were to offer such a sentiment, might I suggest the Bubonic Plague ... didn't know folks still die from the Bubonic Plague, didja? (io9)

Some folks seem to wish the plague on Anne Hathaway. Me, I still adore her. But Saturday night, she looked like my grandmother's couch. (Cele|bitchy)

In other news, get to know the lesbians! (Salon)

Lesbians don't need condoms, which is a good thing, when it comes to this -- check out the gnarly 90-year-old reusable condom:

old-condom-tin.jpg

(Source reddit)

Cute crap, nerd crap, celebrity fashion, lesbians, condoms, reddit, ... I think I've covered everything Pajiba Love is supposed to do, yeah?

So Saturday night, I got to see the reunited Ben Folds Five, and it was pretty awesome. After playing the new tune "Do It Anway," Ben briefly explained how he came up with that song during his last performance at this same venue, last summer. Short version, he performed a cover of a Kei$ha song, because the band decided to do a cover of the number 1 song on iTunes and at the time they came up with the idea, it was "Sleazy":

After performing the song, he noted that he couldn't continue shaking his ass while standing on the piano for the next song, to which someone in the audience yelled out "Do It Anyway." That led to an improved bit, part of which was recorded for posterity:

And so it is, the birth of a song. I'm telling you this story not simply to rub in the fact that I saw BFF this weekend, but to rub in the fact that I saw that show last summer as well and got to hang with Ben in his green room after. Yes, next time you see me, you can touch me.

OK, that's enough of this linkage bullsh*t. I still have a bunchf*ck of Sundance reviews to write. Speaking of which, here's one of the shorts that premiered at Sundance. It's called The Apocalypse. It's got Martin Starr. You're welcome.

...Oh yeah. I promised you boobs, didn't I? Well, look. Here's the thing. I lie. I know what gets you people to click the links, and I'm only too happy to oblige. But there's no Carla Gugino boobs here. Ain't no boobs at all. The only boobs here are y'all, for expecting boobs. I'm too classy for that sh*t. Watch some live clips from Saturday's BFF concert and cool off. "Magic" and "Song for the Dumped," which closed out the main set.






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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • lunabelle

    Sticky note in the Hess, above the French 75, dated 1/11/13: Lemontits
    - Rangpur, sub Meyer lemon, sub vanilla syrup

    Which translates to:
    1 oz. Rangpur gin

    1/4 oz. Meyer lemon juice
    1/8 oz. vanilla syrup
    Shake and strain into a champagne flute, and top w/5 oz. champagne/sparkling wine.

  • yocean

    You lying lie-holes-riddled liar liesmith of liesome liefuckery! Boobs remember! T&A is coming or ELSE!

  • Green Lantern

    We are Pajiba. By hook or by crook, *will* have our bewbz.

  • e jerry powell

    Ben Folds. Ass-shaking. Not even half-vulgar, just a very intriguing prospect. Particularly in those brown jeans.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Since I spent a few minutes trying to figure out if that was Gugino or brunette JLaw, I will provide bonus link - the NY Times has linked to the ad that earned her a SAG card.

    http://carpetbagger.blogs.nyti...

  • BlackRabbit

    "But Saturday night, she looked like my grandmother’s couch." Did anyone else do a doubletake at that sentence?

  • jthomas666

    There's a special place in hell for those who use Carla Gugino to lure people in under false pretenses.

  • Quatermain

    He's going to the special Hell, the one that, according to Shepherd Book, is also reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theater. And he's a man of God, so he'd know.

  • Chich

    I was hoping for boobs.....it's been that kind of day.

  • e jerry powell

    I assume an all-balls edition of Pajiba Love will be forthcoming in short order.

  • Ah, Ben. So glad you were able to hang with him. Saw BFF in 97 concert at First Ave in Mpls, and afterward he and the boys were literally hanging out by the tour bus, drinking beers and sitting on the curb. Literally, sitting on the curb, feet in the street. They did an awesome show and Ben was all surly and dour and anti-social, the highlight being a hip-hop riff that seemed to come out of thin air. Might have been cuz he was bitter that Brick was going to be the song that they would be known for, as opposed to their better songs.

  • Anna von Beav

    OHMYGAHD so many teeny tiny crocheted animals in that Etsy store *squeak*

  • PerpetualIntern

    I can't even stand it. Eeep.

  • Quatermain

    No boobs? But I was expecting boobs! Now what am I supposed to use this sock monkey for?

  • Natallica

    Merry widows indeed

  • Mrs. Julien

    As an ovarian-Pajiban, can I just say how much I hate that word, the one with the asterisk in it? It's vulgar and breasts deserve better.

    Cue "What? Tots?" in 5-4-3... [floor manager throws to comments section]

  • Pineapples! (This was funny when we used it in eighth grade...)
    Bodacias TaTas
    Breasteses (which I swear should be said in a Gollum voice)
    Then there are the classics:
    knockers, jugs....surely t*ts is a better term than those
    melons...which is especially humorous when said in a Bill Clinton voice.
    Then the cinematic:e.g., tracts of land

  • ,

    Knuckiebubbles*

    That was my mom's term for 'em, and I've never heard a better one.

    *--Pronounced "K'nuckiebubbles," like "Canadianbubbles."

  • Mrs. Julien

    The Gollum and Clinton ones are hilarious, but WHY does it have to be one of those? Boobs, breasts, throw in a jounce to convey movement and we're done!

    Subject: [jiba] Re: Boobs! It's The All-T*ts Edition of Pajiba Love!

  • Vi

    I prefer 'Personal Chest Pillows'.

  • e jerry powell

    Flotation devices?

    Maybe only when we're talking about Hendricks, but I'm making an effort.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Not private ones?

  • bewegung951

    Sweater puppets.

  • BWeaves

    OK, for the last time, it's spelled teats and it's pronounced tits, and it's the correct word for breasts. It's not vulgar unless you snigger* while you say it.

    If it's spelled tits, it refers to little birds.

    * Snigger is the correct term for suppressing a laugh. It's not snicker. Those are candy bars. And it has nothing to do with the n-word.

    And ovarian-Pajiban is my new favorite compound word.

    But Vajiban is my new favorite word word.

  • e jerry powell

    "Snigger."

    In eighteenth century Britain, maybe. It's listed as the alternative for snicker that's used more widely in America/Canada.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oooh, maybe we can get whatshisface to weigh in on whether "tits" is a word or some sort of corruption a la "irregardless"

  • e jerry powell

    Grrrrrr. "Irregardless" makes me want to hurt people with hastily thrown seventh-grade grammar books, kind of like the way I feel at the "informal" reflexive use of "myself" among a certain caste of professional athletes.

  • BWeaves

    You know, I was going to try to work "irregardless" into my rant, but couldn't remember the word.

    I suffer from CRAFT (Can't Remember A Fucking Thing).

  • Mrs. Julien

    The spelling thing just makes it worse. I still hate it and I still think it's vulgar because in common usage (pun intended) the snigger is always implied: a snigger and a puerile leer.

    I've just realised "Vajiban" rhymes with the site name's "correct" pronunciation and thus Dustin's wishes must be respected to give full flight to the cleverness of the neologism. Damn it, Rowles! You win this round.

  • Stina

    I agree that t*ts isn't great. But what's the alternative? Breasts is too clinical, boobs is funny but not sexy, and funbags makes me want to punch someone in the bags. I think Pajibans need to unite and come up with a better name!

  • Buck Forty

    Oh lawdy, how I hate 'fun bags'. The word, not the item(s) described.
    I save 'tits' for hot nasty sex time, otherwise it's 'breasts' and maybe 'boobs'.

  • PerpetualIntern

    "I always liked "Bazoombas." Kind of gives them a Latin spin."

  • Mrs. Julien

    I like 'breasts". I'm sure the Pajiballs (Pajiboys?), and other invested parties, will agree with me.

  • e jerry powell

    Well, at least nobody said "Bodacious ta-tas."

    ETA: Oops, spoke too soon.

  • Deidra

    Pajibros. Paguybans (Pagibans? Not to be confused with those readers who also practice obstetrics: Pajigyns.)

  • BlackRabbit

    Bosums?

  • Puddin

    I prefer boobies. But that's because my husband, even after all these years, will see me without my shirt on and cry, "Boobies!" with the glee of a fat kid who saw a cookie.

  • Stina

    Ah yes, my husband is the quiet type. A giant grin and a barely contained gleeful giggle is more his speed.

    Also, "breasts" always makes me think of raw chicken breasts. Not a great mental connection!

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am, of course, covered in a thin layer of flesh-coloured paint at all times and never fully-exposed, but if I were, Mr. Julien would also say "boobs" every. single. time. Hypothetically speaking.

  • Deidra

    F*nb*gs, it is. Also, Vajiban.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Vajiban, I stand corrected. That's awesome.

  • MrFrye

    I don't like breast tats either, but I wasn't aware that the word was vulgar.

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