Convenient Excuse To Post A Pic Of Kate Upton? THE HELL YOU SAY. There's Also Math And Art And Stuff!
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A Convenient Excuse To Post A Pic Of Kate Upton? THE HELL YOU SAY. There's Also Math And Art And Stuff!

By TK | Pajiba Love | February 11, 2013 | Comments ()


Yes, you are lucky enough to get two Pajiba Loves from me in the same month. Why, you ask? Because shut the f*ck up and let's get to the links before I get bored and burn your house down.

These may well be the wisest words ever spoken by a human being: "There is literally no scenario in which vegetables are healthier than pizza. I'm not even sure why they're legal. Adjust your life accordingly." This is a manifesto of a man of great knowledge. I'm just here to share it. (Something Awful)

If that's not your thing (because you're an idiot, I guess), then how about a nice grilled cheese sandwich? Made entirely out of cheese? (Neatorama)

The prolific and super fun band Hatebreed is back with their sixth album, The Divinity Of Purpose. It's another record of love songs and gentle crooners, kind of like Paul Simon and Edie Brickell singing lullabies in a room full of sleepy kittens. It's what I use to get my son to fall asleep. (One Metal)

Sweet Merciful Crap. I know there is a strange and sick, depraved subsection of the population that doesn't find Kate Upton attractive. I think those people should be exterminated (though in fairness, I say that about most people). In any event, she's on the cover of the newest issue of the SI Swimsuit Issue (or as I like to call it, "the most pointless issue of a completely useless magazine") and can I just say goddamn. (Celebitchy)

This has made the rounds over the weekend, but it never gets old: Fox News, in a column about the importance of recognizing that men and women aren't equal is the key to a successful marriage, accidentally used a photograph of a lovely lesbian couple in the header. I like to believe that it was deliberate, done by some sneaky bastard who's staging a quiet revolution from within. (Really, Fox News? via Jessica Valenti)

That doesn't get old either.

In news for intelligent people, we can all agree that Neil deGrasse Tyson is a goddamn treasure and gift to the world, right? Because he just calculated the weight of Mjolnir, Thor's hammer. And to make it extra awesome, he's given its weight in elephants. No, really. (Nerd Approved)

These are not new, but they're new to me and my current favorite thing ever. Calvin and Hobbes wallpapers, made of original Watterson art set against real-life backgrounds. They're gorgeous and adorable. (Geekologie)

On the one hand, I feel sort of terrible for the poor bird. On the other hand, it gave me the chance to write something I could never have even dreamed up: "Escaped Condor Wreaks Havoc At Hockey Game." I mean, come on. Shit like this is the reason the internet was invented. Bless you, Josh Kurp. (Uproxx)

And here's the strangest headline: Amazon Files Patent That Would Allow You To Sell 'Used' MP3's." I have no goddamn idea. (Uproxx Tech)

Did you know that people born when Super Mario Kart came out on the SNES can now drink legally? Oh, f*ck me. (Penny Arcade)

Superheroes get Pixar-style renderings! My personal fave is Wonder Woman. (io9)

Aw, lookie. In Brazil, there are times when the sky is literally filled with spiders. Let's all go for vacation! (Laughing Squid)

Eight Actors You Didn't Know Had Famous Parents. Yeah, big deal who ca- WAIT, the girl from "Arrow" and "Supernatural" is David Cassidy's daughter? But she seems so non-douchey! (Unreality)

Some of you may have missed this weekend's SNOWPOCALYPSE, affectionately named Nemo. It dumped two and a half feet of snow on us in about 18 hours and was a royal pain in my ass. But also? Kind of lovely. Here's the whole storm condensed into 60 seconds of time-lapse video.

Finally, I'm sorry about reminding you of this film's existence*, but have you seen the Honest Trailer for Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? These guys aren't always great, but when they hit, they nail the bastard, and they nailed this one. "A new installment that will make you wish you were watching The Mummy." Indeed.

*no I'm not.

TK doesn't care about your feelings.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • ,

    Sorry, Kate, you're trying SO HAAARD, but this filthy old man has room in his life for only one young-enough-to-be-his-daughter object of lustification at a time, and right now that object is Jennifer Lawrence.

  • ,

    Did Watterson OK use of those images? Because he famously refused to license Calvin & Hobbes for just about any purpose. That might constitute some copyright infringement.

  • Joe Gordon

    "In any event, she’s on the cover of the newest issue of the SI Swimsuit Issue (or as I like to call it, “the most pointless issue of a completely useless magazine”) "

    This is so utterly and completely retard ignorant I don't know where to start.

    So in your mind, the world needs yet another People/US Weekly style magazine because there aren't enough magazines filled with vapid bullshit stories about celebrities that were written so retards like you can more or less read them yourself with only a little help from Mommy and pics of said celebs doing the same old shit. ZOMG!!!! IT'S TAYLOR SWIFT STANDING IN LINE AT STARBUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    I'm ashamed that you're alive and a member of the human race.

  • TK

    Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I meant, and I'm impressed that you could glean all of that from a single sentence, and not that I meant that the writing and reporting in SI has gone downhill considerably in the last 10-15 years and that there is much better sports reporting to be found on both online and in other print outlets, and that large-scale sports media has become simultaneously watered down and excessively hyperbolic, paying less and less attention to quality sports writing and more and more attention to the media darling of the moment, regardless of what the more pressing and relevant issues may be.

    No, instead I meant what you said. Because that's exactly the conclusion you should draw from a single throwaway sentence.

    Thank God we have you here to help.

  • hippyherb

    TK's rants are so much funnier than yours.

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    I daydream about talking to my co-workers the same way TK talks to us dear Pajibans.

  • Mrcreosote

    So is that Kate Upton's seat on the Simpson's space shuttle at the end of the world? "What are shuttle are we on boy?"

  • APOCooter

    I refuse to believe that there is a part of the population- no matter how strange, sick and depraved- that doesn't think Kate Upton isn't completely and utterly gorgeous.

  • David Sorenson

    *tentatively raises hand*

    I kinda don't. It's not really that I don't think she's attractive. I get that she's gorgeous, but on a weirdly technical level. I've seen all the pictures and jiggly gifs of her. They just leave me almost bored. I don't understand it either, but she does nothing for me. Might be that she reminds me a bit of Marilyn Monroe and then just comes up less for the comparison.

  • Edwina the Magnificent

    As a lifelong resident of the Great Frozen Norths of the Inland Northwest (but not very frozen lately; we got 18 inches of snow a few weeks back and it all melted the very next day. WTF?! Where's my goddamn snow day?!) I find myself irrationally jealous of you bastards in the Northeast and you're freaking super storms.

    Also, the end of that video where the whole yard fills up with a mountain of snow as everyone digs out, looove it! I hope someone turned it into a badass snow cage later on.

  • Edwina the Magnificent"snow CAVE" I mean...though a cage would be cool too.

  • DeltaJuliet

    Oh my God...the spider can those people LIVE there? I could barely look at the still photos, never mind walking down that street.
    And now I am compulsively scratching....

  • e jerry powell

    Dangit, somebody told FauxNews about the lesbians already and they took the picture down.

  • TK

    Ah, yes. But it will live forever on the internet.

  • mrcreosote

    lesbians live forever on the internet? I knew it!

  • e jerry powell

    I guess we all gotta become lesbians now.

  • I could have written a dissertation in the amount of time I spent trouncing people using Yoshi on Mario Kart. Come to think of it, I'm kind of surprised I haven't gone on a killing spree using turtle shells to kill my victims to death yet. Or does that only work with games that have guns in them?

  • anikitty

    I want that grilled cheese sandwich. It is just the diet talking?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If you can find the Greek cheese halloumi, that would also work for the "bread."

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    See? Canadian sports are awesome! They always do stupid shit.

  • Sherry

    As a lifelong arachnophobe, I am proud to have made it a full 23 seconds into the spider video before my brain started screaming and I had to shut it down. But I do thank you for the tip on a place to NEVER EVER EVER VISIT OMG IN THE SKY CREEPY CRAWLY GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

  • Why do I even glance at the comments on anything that isn't Pajiba?

    The first person on the Kate Upton post called her pudgy. PUDGY. KATE UPTON. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ANIMAL. Hit yourself in the fucking face repeatedly for the goddamn fucking shit that comes out of your stupid fucking brain.

    GAH. I need to go hit something.

  • ,


    Your outrage is my sustenance.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Pudgy? No. Bland like a sheet of paper? Yes.

  • Kris

    She's not pudgy, but she doesn't really have a waist. For a swimsuit model, I would have thought that would present a problem.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Not for a sports magazine, which is used to that build, deemed "athletic"

  • John W

    Hey I don't care what pictures you post I only read Pajiba Love for the articles....

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That picture of Kate Cassidy with her dad is gross, as it goes a little too Hoganesque for me.

    Apparently one of Lea Thompson's daughter's is starting to get out there as an actress too...she's in something that just came out.

    I was just discussing Calvin & Hobbes this weekend - as we walked through a snowy NYC park a friend & I talked about real-life versions of the Calvin's snowmen.

  • Idgiepug

    I was picking a wall in my house to cover with a glorious Calvin landscape, and then I realized that "wallpaper" has two meanings now. Damn, I'm old.

  • lowercase_ryan

    so a refrigerator will not protect you from a nuke?

  • John G.

    also there aren't really magical artifacts that melt your face.

  • DeltaJuliet

    Damn you guys are RUINING it for me!

  • lowercase_ryan

    something something scientology something

  • Slash

    Holy crap, the condor video ...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    "You know what, guys? I'm cold, that woman over there screams my ears off, and this creepy bugger here can't stop feeling me up. Fuck you. I'm outta here."

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