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The Literary Equivalent of "Jizzed My Pants" Is "Shed My Pleasure"

By Dr. Pisaster | Posted Under Pajiba Dirty Talk | Comments (24)



romance-novels.jpg

It’s pushing midnight and none of my usual methods of pulling up last minute topics are working (googling sex news = a whole lot of rape-related victim-blaming, and google scholar is no help either). You know how when you can’t think of something you just look around for whatever inspiration might happen to fall under your eye? Well, surprisingly my eye slipped right past the vibrator and straight to the bookshelf. So today’s topic is sex in literature, or more specifically, my personal experiences of sex in literature (feel free to expound on your own experiences in the comments). The act of sex is a difficult thing to write well. Sex scenes in books are often just like the real thing: incredibly awkward. Many writers side-step the problem by leaving it implied, while others write in so much detail it makes you cringe.

As a kid I remember encountering sex scenes in two very different scenarios: the fantasy/scifi novels that I devoured on a regular basis and my mother’s cheap romances that I would occasionally sneak a peak at. My mother mostly made sure that I stuck to age appropriate level stuff, but I remember coming across at least the allusion to sex in several books and short stories I read. The ones that stand out most in my mind are some (mostly implied) sex scenes in Ann McCaffrey’s Dragonrider series, which actually is not the best introduction to adult relationships, since the sex is frequently not completely voluntary. For those who aren’t familiar with the books, there are humans who are telepathically bonded to dragons. When the dragons mate, the humans get swept up in the act and end up fucking whoever is bonded to their dragon’s partner. There’s also one scene not-dragon related in one of the books that’s always felt kinda rapey to me. I remember feeling distinctly uncomfortable about these scenes, even though the sex wasn’t explicit, mostly because of how little choice some of the participants had. On the other hand, it was through scifi and fantasy novels that I first encountered sexually active gay characters (although the sex there was also usually off the page) and other rather unconventional types of sex (an alien with tentacles on its head that turned out to be phalluses springs to mind).

My mother’s romance novels, which she used to buy by the boxful, were another matter altogether. There the sex was explicit and weird (in a totally heterosexual and non-tentacle-related way), at least to my pre-pubescent self. It was from one of those books that I first learned about cunnilingus. I must have absorbed knowledge of blowjobs somewhere, because I wasn’t surprised when the heroine went down on the hero, but when the hero returned the favor my mind was blown. I tended to read only the sex scenes in those books, so I couldn’t tell you anything about the plot, but that scene had a surprisingly strong impact on me. Years later, in high school, when some of my female friends expressed disgust at the idea of receiving oral (these friends were virgins at the time, as was I), I was as shocked as when I’d first read about the act. It had become, in my mind, a natural reciprocation that should be expected, and it was that book that planted the seed of that idea (later watered by a few movies, but that’s a story for another day when I can’t find any sex news). Of course, I took away more lessons about how sex shouldn’t be than how it should from romance novels. Many of the scenes made me distinctly uncomfortable, not because of the mere fact that they were about sex, but because of how strangely the participants acted. One scene in which the hero kept repeating over and over during foreplay that the heroine tasted “sweet,” almost put me off dirty talk forever (“So sweet. You taste so sweet. Oh god so sweet.” REALLY DUDE, IS SHE SWEET?). Sex in these books, for all their graphic descriptions, just never felt real to me. It’s always the best sex either character (or at least the hero, since the heroine was usually a virgin) has ever had, and everyone always comes together because in Romancelandia that is a sure sign of True Love. I never got over the initial awkwardness of those books. While I know many people who enjoy these kinds of books, and my understanding is that the sex has gotten better, I can only rarely bring myself to pick one up (usually while I’m at my mother’s house, since they’re everywhere).

In college and beyond I encountered more literary forms of sex. I bought a version of 1001 Arabian Nights that had not been edited for Victorian tastes and discovered that the stories are full of sex. I also started reading more poetry and discovered quite a lot of eroticism there. I think to this day the only written text I’ve masturbated to is an e. e. cummings poem. In many of the novels I’ve read as an adult, especially the ones that could be considered high literature, the sex is still awkward but it feels more intentional, as if the author wants to point out the absurdity of the act rather than titillate us with descriptions of throbbing members and wet passages. I have occasionally stumbled on sex scenes that seemed hot, but for the most part it seems that for me at least, sex is one of those things that is best enjoyed in person. I love sex, but reading about it almost always makes me vaguely uncomfortable, like I’m looking in on someone else’s fantasies and discovering that what gets them hot only leaves me bewildered.

Dr. Pisaster has a doctorate in biophysics, not actually anything sexy. She does however enjoy having sex, reading about sex, and talking about sex. Especially when she’s had a little whiskey.










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Comments

Heh heh, you said "Cummings".

Posted by: Sophomoric at June 2, 2011 7:15 PM

Why was your mother reading so many Romance Novels? Did you ever talk to her about what she got out of them?

Posted by: John. G. at June 2, 2011 8:26 PM

When i was 12 (and a very sheltered 12) I read Brave New World. So Yeah...scarred me for life.

Posted by: meh at June 2, 2011 8:34 PM

I think to this day the only written text I’ve masturbated to is an e. e. cummings poem.

The Bible once, just for the hell of it.

And I thought all girls encountered literary sex in the Clan of the Cave Bear series.

Posted by: Brendo at June 2, 2011 8:45 PM

As a kid I started reading late but I read so voraciously that my parents couldn't keep up with my demand for new material (even with weekly trips to the school or public library)... so I used to raid Dad's bookshelf in my parents room for books. This was when I was around six.

I think my first exposure to sex in literature was in Ian Fleming's "Thunderball", but I read most of the Bond books at quite a young age.

Oh, and I absolutely cannot stand Anne McCaffrey's books. I have read the Dragonrider books, the Crystal Singer books and a good many of the "Ship who " books and as much as I love sci fi I simply can't enjoy them.

I still thank my Mother for catching me with Dragonriders of Pern once I'd run out of Bond and taking it away from me as she told me that I was too young for it.

So she gave me The Fellowship of the Ring instead. My parents are pretty awesome now and again.

Posted by: Uncommoner at June 2, 2011 9:03 PM

Totally off topic, but I had to celebrate somewhere...I got my first vibrator today! Woohoo yay sex

Posted by: yy at June 2, 2011 9:08 PM

Slightly more on topic, when I was a kid I quickly breezed through all of the age-appropriate literature and just started reading whatever I could find in the house. One of the first things I remember stumbling upon was this Paul Theroux book with some rather graphic descriptions.
My dad saw me reading it, freaked out, and gave me Ender's Game to read instead. So I have him to thank for my scifi obsession.

Posted by: yy at June 2, 2011 9:16 PM

Explaining sex from the male perspective is easier to write and I find it more enthralling to read. I can't for the life of me remember the book, but in it the male lead was describing how sexy he thought a girl he was walking by was, and my ladybits experienced the first twinge of carnal desire.

I dunno, I'm a weird girl. I would rather sleep with a man, but describing/looking at/thinking about women is much more erotic for me than describing/looking at/thinking about men.

Posted by: Brittany at June 2, 2011 10:02 PM

I begged my Mom to buy me the paperback version of "One of Our Dinsaurs is Missing". The cover was emblazoned with a big emblem announcing "Now a Disney Picture!!".

Holy Cow, that book had two sex scenes in it and was the first time I read anything like that. I knew about sex beforehand, but this was the first inkling I had that it could be fun and not icky.

Posted by: shake at June 2, 2011 10:13 PM

"Pleasure my shed", fortunately, is more different.

Usually.

Posted by: StoatCat at June 2, 2011 10:46 PM

Sometimes while roaming through the bookstore I pick up a romance book or two and look for the sex scenes, if only because most of them are just hilarious. Words like "Tumescent" and "Turgid", "Heaving bossom", "Pulsating Shaft"...it's like every time you read one of those words an angel gets its wings.

You know what's weird, though? How so many of these books feature almost-rape scenarios. You know, the young virgin is afraid of the dashing Highlander or whatever, so he forces himself on her but...wait...she LOVES it! She is amazed by the response of her body and she falls in love with him! True Love!

Which brings me to the most messed up sex I've ever read: everything in Diana Gabaldon's "Outlander" series. Anyone go through those? They are fuuuuuucked up. Every scene smacks of half-rape, everyone wants to rape someone else, everything's painful, everything is MESSED UP. That woman has some really bizarre views on sex.

Best sex scenes I've ever read (ie: the one time I read a sex scene that didn't make me cringe or laugh)? A couple of choice scenes in the Sookie Stackhouse series, by Charlaine Harris. I won't deny that they made me fan myself at one point. I didn't know sex in books could do that!

Anyway. Long story short: People shouldn't try to write sex scenes. They'll almost always fail.

Posted by: Figgy at June 2, 2011 10:47 PM

@Figgy You are so right. One summer I peeked at the romance novels a co-worker devoured on a daily basis, and the plot outlines were all identical. Powerful, rich, promiscuous oaf of a man (sultan/prince/rancher/English lord) forces himself upon lower class but independent-spirited young virgin. She's amazed that she loves it, ends up pregnant, and eventually breaks down his macho exterior. He usually doesn't say he loves her until after several sexual encounters, a marriage, and possibly the birth of said child. BLECH. A thousand times BLECH.

This post's title reminds me of an Earl of Rochester poem about premature ejaculation. Nothing says awkward like your lit prof reading lines out loud about an understanding chick "wiping off the clammy joys"

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at June 2, 2011 11:31 PM

Exactly. Also, WHAT is with all the Highlanders? Is it the kilts?

Posted by: Figgy at June 2, 2011 11:41 PM

Figgy, hae ye no' heard tha I's no the kilt but wha' ye hae b'neath it?

Posted by: Uncommoner at June 2, 2011 11:58 PM

Also, ouch. Writing that actually hurt. I think I sprained something.

Posted by: Uncommoner at June 2, 2011 11:59 PM

While thumbing through one of these nickel erotica romance books sitting in a box in the basement, I read what appeared to be about foreplay and was horrified from the passage that went something along the lines...

"After their latest naked embrace, he then lifted her up and impaled her."

Now I get this was some hack's failed attempt at trying to make penile entry seem magnificent, but to me as someone who had recently read a story about the historic Vlad Dracula, I had to pause a second, because it sounded like this sick fucker was so disappointed in her hairy mound moist with morning dew that he decided to punish her by subjecting her to a slow medieval execution. And if in fact the author was trying to compare coitus with the story's protagonist with having one's body perforated with a 20 foot long sharpened pole, either the author has an overinflated ego, an early theory on torture porn, or just a shitty writer.

Some authors are at least honest with their own mediocrity and just run with it. One in particular was so bad it still has stuck in the back of my head. The passage in this book I read talked of one particular woman being promiscuous by using automotive similes, "...One stroke in the right spot on her thigh and she would purr like a Mustang, jump into bed like a Charger, and roll over on fire with the ease of a Pinto."

Okay, it still sucks, but at least there's comedy gold to be had.

Posted by: bleujayone at June 3, 2011 12:03 AM

The first book with sex scenes in it that I ever read was my mothers copy of Xavier Hollander's 'Happy Hooker". I was 14-15 at the time and obviously it changed me immediately. Quite a change from The Hardy Boys.
The bit that affected me most was the chapter detailing the six(?) ways women masterbate. It was profound because [a] girls did it? and [b] they have get to have more than one method?
It taught me that women wanted pleasure too, and that it was my job to do it (ie reciprocate). Evidently I was the only guy willing to go down on my high school girlfriends. (this was the 70s)

Posted by: Nick at June 3, 2011 1:49 AM

I be a dude, and I remember reading the World According to Garp relatively young, and going... yeaaaah, sex. Even though it was all kind of odd situations and weird motivations.

Posted by: anon at June 3, 2011 1:57 AM

My mom and I used to read the same novels and authors when I was younger - I don't think she thought there was necessarily a lot of sex, but I remember feeling like Ken Follett was rather liberal with descriptive sex scenes. This also led to a few awkward questions for my mom when I was about ten or eleven, including "what's a hard on?" Her response: "Go ask your dad."

Posted by: Jen K. at June 3, 2011 5:36 AM

The only thing more painful than romance novel sex is highbrow erotic literature. As clumsy and overdone as the romance novel is, erotic lit is often the unholy combination of sexytime writing with I'm too cool for this detatchment. All sex is written as either heavy duty BSDM or as an entirely intellectual pursuit that involves working through issues. In short, no one seems to be having any damn fun.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 3, 2011 8:48 AM

Brittany: "I dunno, I'm a weird girl. I would rather sleep with a man, but describing/looking at/thinking about women is much more erotic for me than describing/looking at/thinking about men."

Nope, not weird at all. When I was 12 or 13 I babysat for a family that had a HUGE pile of Playboy magazines in their downstairs loo. These were circa 1970, so the girls weren't all plastic, bleached bimbos yet. After I put the kids to bed, I read them. OK, I looked at the photos, not actually read them, but they turned me on. A few years later I came across Playgirl. Didn't do a thing for me. I think that's true for most women. I think Playgirl aims for the gay male crowd these days.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 3, 2011 9:22 AM

One scene in which the hero kept repeating over and over during foreplay that the heroine tasted “sweet,” almost put me off dirty talk forever

This is the problem I have with romance novel sex and, indeed, have had with real-life sex. There's no need for talking. If I wanted to have a conversation, we'd be sitting at the dining room table having a beverage. Beyond short phrases indicating pleasure/displeasure with something, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TALKING.

Also, I have no idea where I first read any sex scenes (though Flowers in the Attic was an early one), but I do recall being about 10 when I was reading Audrey Rose and asking my dad what a cunt was. (That wasn't in a sexual context, though; it was in the name-calling context. Which I don't think I explained to my dad, which might be why he asked me, "whatcha reading, there?" after answering my question.)

Anyhoodles, in (slightly) more recent years, Ann Rice's Beauty series has some pretty decently written sex, if I recall correctly. Though it is also largely rape-y, as it deals with B&D and S&M. But, if that kind of thing is your kind of thing, or if you're "going through a phase," as some of us may have been at the time. *ahem* ANYWAY, I've always just enjoyed reading sex scenes, I think, even (some of) the bad ones. For me, it's separate from real life, so it's pretty titallating even if it is rapey. Maybe it's the voyeurism aspect.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 3, 2011 10:36 AM

Excelsior, I'm not alone! I love it when women discuss women because women are just so damn hot. Sometimes.

Posted by: Brittany at June 5, 2011 2:05 AM

You have some super musings! Perhaps I ought to contemplate about attempting this myself.

Posted by: Wilton Aaronson at July 1, 2011 1:24 PM