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Screw You, Valentine. I’ll be Romantic when I Feel Like It

By Dr. Pisaster | Posted Under Pajiba Dirty Talk | Comments (66)

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It’s Tuesday morning and I can’t find any interesting sex news from the past couple of weeks except for an of a 6 year old economics study on the likelihood of ladies putting out in response to different type of gifts. (Economists’ conclusion: in a purely theoretical system that doesn’t take into account the varied and often irrational behavior of actual human beings, a dude’s chances of getting sex improve if the gift he’s giving is expensive but worthless to the receiver. My conclusion: economists really need to stop assuming people will always behave “rationally.” Also these particular economists probably don’t get laid much.) I’ve spent the last few days of my day job reading mountains of scientific articles, so forgive me, but I don’t feel like digging up something scientific and analyzing it in depth this week. This is gonna be one of those columns where I just write about my thoughts on a particular sexual subject without the benefit of rigorous data to back me up (Scandoloso!). Specifically, that upcoming holiday of love and romance, Valentine’s day.

Given what I know about the readers on this site, I imagine most of you respond to the hype surrounding February 14th with something between an eye roll and boiling fury. I assume this because that’s about where I stand on the issue. The idea that we could set aside one day to spend time with our significant others and celebrate romance is nice on paper. Hell, it can actually be quite lovely when people do so on their own time and in their own ways. But the instant you make it an obligation to do so on one specific day, it becomes hollow and obnoxious. Valentine’s day has become this weird ritual in which men are expected to buy roses and chocolates and maybe a teddy bear or jewelry, and take their women out to expensive dinners (or possibly make a nice dinner at home), and women are expected in return to….well, actually I’m not sure what women are really expected to do in return. Have sex if the guy is lucky and the couple inhabits the world of bad tv shows where men always want sex and women only do it for a reward? Wear the nice underwear instead of the old cotton ones? (Men don’t want romance themselves, obviously, it just a way to get into a lady’s pants.) If you’re inventive, maybe you can inject some spontaneity into the proceedings by doing something unusual, but even then, because it’s Valentine’s day your partner won’t be as completely surprised and charmed as they would if you just did something sweet and creative out of the blue. Setting aside a day for required romance has the effect of sapping any actual romantic gesture of its power.

I love surprises (romantic and otherwise), both receiving them and coming up with them for others (one of the many things I hate about Valentine’s is the sexist one-sidedness of it), but I hate feeling obligated to do something for arbitrary reasons, and I imagine most other people do as well. And it isn’t any better for me being on the receiving end of the obligation. Looking back, I cannot think of a single Valentine’s day that was special to me. I remember the tragedy of being a single high schooler on Valentine’s day, and watching cheesy movies with my similarly single friends. I remember one Valentine’s Day when (still a teenager, natch) I made my boyfriend go through the motions of buying me roses and taking me out. It was stressful and not the least bit romantic and I still feel embarrassed about behaving like such a diva over one silly day. On the other hand, when I think of the most romantic moments of my life they tend to have happened on random calendar days when there wasn’t any particular pressure or expectation. I realize that some people are able to make Valentine’s day something special, and some of you may have much better memories of Valentine’s past, but I think at this point it’s become so commercial and scripted that it’s nearly impossible to turn it into a romantic highlight. There are people who buy into the hype and want romance according to the script (I know at one least one woman who made her husband “surprise” her with a dramatic proposal even though they’d bought the ring together and basically made a joint decision to get married, for example). For most of the rest of us, Valentine’s is just another manufactured holiday to rebel against.

Romance, sex, and relationships tend to be complicated and fraught enough without throwing in pressure to perform (in one way or another) on command. I for one will be treating Valentine’s day like any other this year, and reserving my romantic surprises for Steak and Blowjob day.


Dr. Pisaster has a doctorate in biophysics, not actually anything sexy. She does however enjoy having sex, reading about sex, and talking about sex. Especially when she’s had a little whiskey.









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Comments

I cannot think of a single Valentine’s day that was special to me.

Yep, me neither. However I did once take my bloke out for the evening and on the London Eye. Mostly because neither of us had been on it, but I paid more than usual just because it was Valentine's Day and they made it look red or something.

I'm not bothering this year. He might not even get a card. It does seem such a strange thing to do when you break it down. Feeling obligated to be romantic sure takes the charm out of it.

Posted by: Carrie at February 8, 2011 5:06 PM

Yes, but I like cooking steaks myself and performing cunnilingus. So where the hell does that leave me?

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2011 5:09 PM

I used to love thinking up clever, fun things to do for Valentine's Day, but my husband prefers for VDay to be about me. We then, in turn, celebrate Steak and BJ Day on March 14th.

In general I feel the same way about VDay as I do about Thanksgiving: that feeling and attitude should be consistent, so I don't care too much about celebrating it on any single day. And there are too many damn commercials.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at February 8, 2011 5:10 PM

But the instant you make it an obligation to do so on one specific day, it becomes hollow and obnoxious.

That's why I like to ignore convention and invite family over on Valentine's, serve up a big Thanksgiving dinner, and just go wherever the evening leads me and one of my attractive cousins.

Posted by: sars at February 8, 2011 5:12 PM

It's funny, the only time I care about valentines day at all is when I am not in a relationship. I insist in all my long term relationships that we do not celebrate it, for all the reasons mentioned above, but for the first time in eight years I am finding myself single on the day, and EVEN THOUGH I know it's a total bullshit commercial hype holiday, I still feel absolutely crushed that I'll be alone for it.

The fact that the anniversary of my father's death falls the next day and that I didn't go out to one last dinner with him when he asked me to on Valentines day, nine years ago, well that just makes it even suckier.

I think I'm just going to get very drunk and possibly hook up with someone my whiskey goggles tell me is handsome. Yay self esteem!

Posted by: rhombus at February 8, 2011 5:26 PM

This is exactly how I feel about Valentines and my girlfriend understands and agrees. For some reason though she wants flowers this year so I guess I'll play Commercial Holiday and hope that steak and a BJ day is a night out because I cook a much better steak than her.

Posted by: Paultera at February 8, 2011 5:40 PM

I don't celebrate it, but I think that some men (my bf included) don't do anything romantic on any other day. So I can see the rationale of making them do it at least once a year, although I don't participate myself.

Posted by: Alli at February 8, 2011 5:54 PM

One good thing about Valentine's Day is that it's a great excuse to get the inlaws to babysit. My husband is a romantic type and the pressure to have a special day to celebrate is non-existent. We like to come up with imaginative themes if we're doing a gifty thing, just to have fun with it. I sure hated that day when I was single, tho. Hated it like fire.

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 8, 2011 6:02 PM

After so many years of pretty much ignoring the day, this year my husband mentioned to me that if I just happened to be wondering what to get him for V-Day, here were a few suggestions. I was a little taken aback but figured it was a good opening to tell him what I would like if he so happened to be in a gift buying mood himself. So this year, for us, Valentine's Day is our excuse to randomly buy each other something we want. I'm ok with this.

Posted by: katy at February 8, 2011 6:05 PM

February 14 is my birthday so I've just always refused to acknowledge Valentine's Day. I like to pretend that the big displays with giant red hearts are the world's way of celebrating little old me.

There are definitely some sucky things about it: can't decide to go out to eat at the last minute, all the stupid pink stuffed animals clutching hearts I got as presents as a kid.

Posted by: Jana at February 8, 2011 6:07 PM

me and my roommates are going to celebrate Lupercalia by preparing and then eating a leg of lamb and then whipping each other lightly with strips of leather to promote fertility. Idk what my boyfriend and I are going to do for vday

Posted by: jasper at February 8, 2011 6:09 PM

Yes, but I like cooking steaks myself and performing cunnilingus. So where the hell does that leave me?

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2011 5:09

Jay

After clicking your name and seeing where it led me, you should be forewarned: I wouldn't be counting on a blowjob or especially cunnilingus, at least with human species, anyway.

Enjoy your steak.

Posted by: Bwahahahahah at February 8, 2011 6:18 PM

V-Day is Valentine's Day? Huh... My guy friends tricked me into thinking it was the one day of the year where women have to get it on with each other, bring each other to climax orally, and top it off with a loud and squeaky "Happy Vagina Day!" while our guy friends watch.

And that's why you shouldn't see Black Swan with six of your horny guy friends.

Posted by: THE Sofía at February 8, 2011 6:36 PM

That... doesn't even make sense. Also, dick.

I'm completely neutral about Valentine's Day, myself. Sometimes pseudo-Mr. and I get each other something, sometimes we don't. It is completely ridiculous and made up and totally perpetuates all the god-awful stereotypes about men and women and men & women, but I don't grudge it anyone who wants to celebrate it. Honestly, I'm pretty meh on the whole question.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 8, 2011 6:37 PM

Some people are such asshats. Actually asshat is too good a word for some people.

Also, F Valentine's Day. It's a shit holiday.

Posted by: Melody at February 8, 2011 6:39 PM

LUPERCALIA.

That's enough. Now we can all run about nude and rut in the pasture to fructify the earth.

Pagans rule, dude. Not so great for the goats, but Lupercalia is the answer.

Posted by: Jerry at February 8, 2011 6:41 PM

what a bunch of grumpy gusses.

the sound logic of the hollowed out obligatory day followed to its conclusion, rules out birthdays, national birthdays, mothers day and pretty much all holidays.

Yes, down with celebration, down with it I say!

I was under the impression, that couples regularly, periodically and spontaneously celebrate each other, but once a year there is a publicly acknowledged, societally embraced celebration.

its too easy and cheap to take potshots at hallmark and the chocolate companies. we live in a capitalist world. everyone makes money off of everything. it cancels it out as a reason to single out a particular activity.

when did everyone get so cynical?

no one ever seems to have this vitriol for Saint Patrick's day: "oh it's just a marketing ploy from the green dye companies and the breweries. It's no fun when it is suddenly obligatory. Where's the spontaneity? What about the 364 days of the year?"

there's lots of shit to be grumpy about. The annual 'lavish your loved one' day seems pretty low on the priority list.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 6:49 PM

I should clarify: when I say dick, I refer to this: Posted by: Bwahahahahah at February 8, 2011 6:18 PM

Just so we're clear. And when I say That... doesn't even make sense, I mean that is some poor phrasing. My goodness.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 8, 2011 6:50 PM

But, idleprimate, St. Patrick's Day has SODA BREAD.


SODA BREAD, man.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 8, 2011 6:51 PM

Idle, I dislike this "holiday" simply because I don't want to treated like a sheep who is required to receive or desire overpriced chocolate, flowers, and all manner of other things simply because society says I should. I prefer to have a partner who does nice things for me on other days of the year. Buying me things doesn't show me you love me. It's the other stuff, often that which cannot be seen to the general populace, that matters so much more to me. That's why I hate Valentine's Day.

Plus, if you are single, it's a day made to simply make you feel like shit because you don't have that person to go buy you useless trinkets and crap. It's a day designed to marginalize people based on relationship status.

Posted by: Melody at February 8, 2011 6:55 PM

People who post unnecessarily rude statements are complete cowards who hide their tiny dicks and witless personalities behind the anonymity of the internet. What a sad sad asshat.

Besides, it is well known that Jay has a talented tongue damn it!

And I don't hate Valentine's Day. But I don't celebrate it either. I doubt I'll even see my boyfriend that day, and that's fine. I'll have a date with sushi, wine and Joel Hodgson like I always do when enjoying alone time.

Posted by: Julie at February 8, 2011 7:00 PM

Jules.
What the Fuck.

Posted by: Sad Asshat at February 8, 2011 7:05 PM

If the shoe fits, and in this case, it does Mr. Asshat.

Posted by: Melody at February 8, 2011 7:10 PM

That laughing fucker is giving us of the Asshat persuasion a bad name, and I won't stand for it...I'm calling Uncle Loud Asshat.

Posted by: Sad Asshat at February 8, 2011 7:13 PM

for the record, i am, as a single, "marginalized" on red heart day. I imagine i survive. and by the logic of the forced sheep theory, the other 364 days are mine, all mine: Chocolate Free Singles Day!!!

haters gotta hate, jungle law of the universe.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 7:13 PM

St. Paddy's also has lepprychauns, who as we all know, are far more socially acceptable than love infecting cherubs. fucking love demons.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 7:17 PM

idleprimate: For me, personally, it's both the feeling of obligation that covers the holiday, and the fact that it's designed to make anyone who isn't part of a relationship feel like absolute shit. Yes, I am bitter.

Plus there's the whole corporate feel of the thing: a few companies have decided to tell you exactly how to spend the day, or else you're a horrible person and don't love your partner enough. Finally, because it's so corporate, it's sexist. It makes women look bad.

I am very cynical about it. But I think it warrants it.

Posted by: Figgy at February 8, 2011 7:21 PM

i never have the sense it was designed to make me feel crappy because i don't have a significant other. it just seems to not apply to me right now--kinda like jewish holidays are not mocking my non-jewishness. to think otherwise, seems kind of egocentric. "The world should cater to my circumstances 24 hours a day!, everyone else screw off"

it never seemed that corporate either. when i have had a partner, we delighted in drawing each other 'valentines', and utilizing the excuse to be extravagant and over the top. during poverty, it was the excuse we needed to let go of the budget a little just for the fun of it. it never meant that such gestures and activities only happened on that day. and it never felt sexist. perhaps there was a time that the day meant some ritual wooing of the woman. but my experience participating and witnessing V day, is that both genders often happily participate in expressing themselves to each other.

again, I am just dumbfounded by how strongly people feel. it's why i keep commenting.

I'm beginning to feel like the proverbial troll on this thread. is it so out of place to not feel the urge to bash the day that celebrates love?

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 7:36 PM

Be your own valentine.
Shine on all those expectations and the corporations and idealizations.
Don't hurt your own feelings.
Give yourself those things that you believe others should give you. Chocolate. Yummy dinner. The movie of your choice. Whatever it is you feel like having.
I was bitter a LONG time. That was time wasted on imaginary sads. It's not like they don't let the ladies buy chocolate at See's. Treat yourself. It's better than feeling alone or putting up with someone else's attitude over your expectations (assuming they aren't the same).
Try it this year, I dare you.
Seriously.
Be your own valentine this year.

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 8, 2011 7:43 PM

That's not really a "Bwahahahahah" line, is it? Pointed, sure. Pithy, even. But, you know, I'm not slapping my knees or anything and I'm just left kinda dubious. Oh well, thanks for the shout out.

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2011 7:48 PM

I don't think you're being trollish at all, and I hope I didn't come off all 'Them's fightin' words!'. Just trying to explain why the day sucks to me.

I always liked when V-Day fell on a weekend, because it was that much easier to ignore the people giving you dirty looks because you're not carrying a giant horrible teddy bear around like they are.

Posted by: Figgy at February 8, 2011 8:06 PM

Figgy, that's about them, not you. Would you give a shit what someone else was holding or not if you were happy with what you had?

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 8, 2011 8:15 PM

In Japan, there are two separate days, Valentine's Day and White Day. Girls give boys they like chocolates on Valentine's Day and boys do likewise on White Day.

Not necessarily your SO, though. Just... whoever you like.

So... that could get awkward fast. I would cut a bitch that tried to give my man love chocolate. And imagine how many people Angelina Jolie would have to take down singlehandedly every year. We would have chocolate thunderdome smackdowns, ladies would duke it out on V-day and gentlemen on white day. Like Heart Battle Royale or something.

...Excuse me, I have to go write a pitch.

(I think my original point was that it could be more awkward and terrifying because at least we aren't encouraged to all take a terrifying gamble on revealing our feelings to someone who may not give a rat's ass instead of celebrating it optionally if you already HAVE someone to do so with, but I seem to have lost the plot a little bit along the way.)

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at February 8, 2011 8:20 PM

Yeah, I imagine they didn't give a damn about me, but it was still a bad pull on my insecurities. It was just damn hard to not feel like shit sometimes.

Posted by: Figgy at February 8, 2011 8:31 PM

oh figgy, here's a big cardboard perforated press out snoopy valentine just for you.

when i was a kid, we all had to tape and glue together these folder/mailboxes and hang them from the front of our desks, for receipt of valentines, generally of the sort you buy in mass from a drug store and bear a popular culture image. (what the hell was up with indoctrinating children to romance?)

I hated it, because mine usually remained empty. sad monkey. and no matter how many of those little pink backgrounded cartoony valentines i pumped out, i never received the reciprocal bliss of little pink mail treats. I did peanuts, scooby doo, muppets, to no avail.

I actually trace all my misanthropy to those early social traumas.

true story? ripleys believe it or not?

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 8:42 PM

Figgy, I hear you. That one day mysteriously means a lot, but also means nothing. Stupid day! But also, fun day!

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 8, 2011 8:48 PM

I didn't make my husband "surprise" me with a marriage proposal, but he knows how much I like surprises, so after we got the ring made, he picked it up and waited 10 months to give it to me. Had a whole awesome day of surprises all planned out, right before Christmas so I thought it was a Christmas present.

We use Valentine's Day as an excuse to plan an elaborate dinner to make together, something that is usually waaay too time-consuming or complicated or expensive to normally consider. Of course, we also celebrate Valentine's Day as much as two weeks after the 14th, depending on what our schedules look like.

Posted by: Phaeolus at February 8, 2011 9:35 PM

I am ambivalent on Valentines for the most part. But the day after, when all the candy starts going on sale? On that day, I fucking LOVE Valentines.

I'm one of the singletons, and I totally get the idea of feeling marginalized. I don't, myself, but I can understand why people would. If I did have an SO, I would be righteously indignant if he spent hundreds of dollars on some necklace, and equally so if he thought I should buy him something that expensive. That's a lot of money that could be used on much better things. Smaller stuff, like chocolates or teddy bears, I would love. Because I love that shit every day.

Posted by: Gabs at February 8, 2011 9:40 PM

There's the whole heteronormative aspect of it, too. You never see an ad for a jeweler where a guy is giving his boyfriend an engagement ring, or a woman gives her female life partner of many years diamond-studded heart on a necklace. I can certainly see why that would be off-putting for a large portion of society.

(what the hell was up with indoctrinating children to romance?)

And then there's that.

On the other hand, mmmmmm chocolate thunderdome.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 8, 2011 9:43 PM

With my ex, I had twenty years of wondering whether or not we were going to celebrate Valentine's Day. If it were solely my decision, I'd vote "NO" because I AM pretty much against the obligatory holidays where gifts are mandated no matter what you feel about the person, and your choice is a) shell out money for a gift or b) be a dick.

But my ex could never go for picking one option and sticking with it, or for the simple discussion of "Hey, are we doing anything for VD this year?". Because that took the surprise out of it, and was unromantic. Yet if I did plan ahead and get him something and he didn't reciprocate, then I was trying to guilt-trip him.

(Nobody here wonders why he's my ex-husband, do they?)

Posted by: Wednesday at February 8, 2011 10:11 PM

On one level, I agree with you.

On the other end, I've dated two types of men when it comes to Valentine's Day.

Type A says Valentine's Day is stupid and pointless and we should pay attention to our special someone every day.

Type B doesn't make a stink.

To a man, every single member of Type A has been a inattentive ass the other 364 days of the year, or whatever portion of that I tolerated their crap. Every. Single. One.

The Type Bs have been mostly pretty decent the rest of the year, to varying degrees.

So when a man says he hates Valentine's Day, even if everything he says makes total sense and I completely agree, it's the last date we go on.

Posted by: JGirl at February 8, 2011 10:15 PM

ok, here i go losing any figurative good will i might have. concepts like "heteronormative" which germinate in university programs, among young impressionable people taught by well armed partisans, dismiss reality. they suggest a great imbalance in culture, due to its hetero slant. there is often a power argument.

i am all for embracing the various love-ties people form.

but when people start a critique of society based on challenging sexual norms, i must protest. (i realise i have launched this rant based on a female critique of gay exclusion)

yes, 90-95% of people are hetero. and yes, most cultural products cater to them (economics: surprise surprise). the fact that this is so, is not some holocaust against the people outside that bracket. the fact that we have created a society to embrace that small minority is worth merit.

be it, the civic money that goes into pride parades, or the characterization of said minorities in mainstream film and tv, it is not some big conspiracy against the minority, but the best attempt to include them.

so, yeah, when you are in the drugstore looking for valentines, you won't find gay valentines. it's not a hate conspiracy, its the economics of catering to the most customers. its not that they would mind a gay valentine, it's that the tiny minority of buyers don't add up. nothing personal.

i really wish academic vitriol could stay behind its ivory tower.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 10:42 PM

I dunno, JGirl I kind of have the opposite experience with dudes. I personally think Valentine's Day is kind of dumb, although if other people want to celebrate it I don't begrudge them. But the guys I have dated who have made the big stink about Valentine's Day have all, to a man, turned out to be massive tools who have treated me shoddily the rest of the year and who, as far as I'm concerned, can all die in a fire. The guys not so into Valentine's Day have all been mostly decent. Right now I'm dating a guy who also thinks Valentine's Day is pretty dumb (oh blessed relief and joy), and I don't think they come any sweeter or more awesome than him.

Of course, if I were actually into Valentine's Day, he'd take me out to dinner or whatever. I guess the secret to not being a tool is more about caring enough to pay attention to what the other person is actually into, and less about being pro- or anti-dumb holiday.

Posted by: Paleolithchick at February 8, 2011 11:02 PM

whoah, who, like, leaked pajiba, out to like, blow me with a spoon, outsiders?

I was totally like into valentines day too, until some guy put bubblebum into my hair. then it was like totally fuck.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 11:07 PM

I am a high school teacher. I pretty much have at least one student in tears every Valentine's Day. It is horrible.

Posted by: kimmyhula at February 8, 2011 11:21 PM

Idleprimate: STOP BEING ON MY SIDE. YOU'RE MAKING MY SIDE LOOK STUPID.

Posted by: Cupid at February 8, 2011 11:26 PM

If you are single on Valentine's day, eat chocolate and watch a chick flick with friends. One year my roommate and I even wore all black with red lipstick to signify our anti-Valentine status.

The Imperial Suitor is very adamant that if you can't be sweet the other 364 days of the year, what's the point of one mandatory day? I counter that one day to celebrate it is not bad. We're compromising by going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and out to dinner. No gifts, though. I'm broke and he's gotta observe my birthday next week.

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at February 9, 2011 12:00 AM

yes, we should stop every activity that leaves a single person in tears.

high school teacher, what do you want on your curriculum that wouldn't trouble a single student?

this is tiring. i can quickly see how one becomes a troll.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 9, 2011 12:04 AM

meh, I could take it or leave it. I always forget it's coming until one of my girlfriends mention it. Then I'm like, "... oh. Yea, that's real important, huh?"

Actually, I'll probably leave it. When I was in a relationship, I wouldn't wanna do anything special. I don't remember what we did... Now that I'm not in a relationship, I'm glad that there's no pressure. But mostly because I'm just glad that I'm not in a relationship hah.

(I am all for steak and head though, Jay ;)

Posted by: denesteak at February 9, 2011 12:52 AM

The Saint this day is apparently named after was imprisoned for marrying Christians. He would have been fine, because Claudius, the dude in charge of Rome at the time, took a liking to him. I'm picturing them sitting around, braiding each other's hair, and gossiping about the slaves.
But Valentine kept trying to convert him. Eventually, Claudius was all, 'Have this religion-pushing pain in my arse executed'. The rest of the story gets bloody, because this is one of the GOOD Saint stories.

In honour of Saint Valentine, I'm going to invite representatives from half a dozen churches to my house on February 14th to tell me about their faith. Then I'm going to lock the door and pretend I'm not home. It's the modern version of stoning and beheading.

Posted by: ScienceGeek at February 9, 2011 12:54 AM

Ah, Valentine's Day. The one day of the year other than Christmas when I am utterly gleeful about being single.

Posted by: embertine at February 9, 2011 3:18 AM

I’m completely unromantic by nature and I hate Valentines Day. However, I do love my girlfriend, and I’ve been strong-armed into doing something for it this year, on the basis of the argument that I never do anything romantic at any other time. I take small consolation in the fact that I managed to negotiate the thing to not actually take place on the day itself, but this Friday instead. And that it’s a sushi meal followed by going to a drum’n’bass club and dancing till the sun comes up while high on any number of substances. So it’s not so bad.

I don’t do New Years resolutions, but I will make a Valentines one now: I will be more romantic throughout the year so as to have something to deflect the emotional blackmailing when the next VD rolls around.

Summary: bullshit fucking day.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 9, 2011 5:29 AM

concepts like "heteronormative" which germinate in university programs, among young impressionable

I'm actually 40, and not particularly "impressionable" in the way that you're suggesting. And, oh by the way, heteronormativity is a thing.

is not some holocaust against the people outside that bracket

I said neither that it was a "holocaust" nor a "hate conspiracy." I simply said that I could understand why certain people who, small a group as they may be, would fall outside the range of people who are into Valentine's Day and all its marketing.

I would venture to guess that a majority of people don't even know why they celebrate Valentine's Day. I would also venture that they celebrate it because they are expected to, and because they are expected to purchase gifts for their significant others, in order to stave off an argument. I would also argue that WAY too many people put far too much stock in measuring how much their significant other loves then by either the quantity or the expense of those gifts. ("He didn't buy me a diamond; he doesn't love me!") I would go so far as to say that there's more of a hate conspiracy against people who don't think it's a day worth celebrating.

And MY GOD, people, it's fucking VALENTINE'S DAY. WHY am I arguing about this bullshit?! Who the hell cares if someone hates it or loves it?

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 9, 2011 7:49 AM

Pretty much every Valentine's Day since hubby & I have been together (going on 7 now), either we've had school or work in the evening. This year, he works until 10pm, but I'm off all day. So he's getting lasagna served in the nude, and maybe some nookie (if the baby goes to sleep, that is...).
We normally don't do gifts. It's more about gestures. Although I do love me some chocolate!

Posted by: badkittyuno at February 9, 2011 10:13 AM

I cannot think of a single Valentine’s day that was special to me.

I can. I was dumped that day. She gave me a heart-shaped pillow as a present, saying "we can still be friends, can't we?", after just having admitted that she had been snogging around with that other guy for two weeks now - while still being together with me, actively. Oh, and also... the day after the-day-which-must-not-be-named is my birthday.
Whoop de fucking doo. Love is all around me, alright.

Posted by: Rooks at February 9, 2011 10:32 AM

On Valentine's Day when I was in 7th grade, I gave a boy I was pitifully in love with a blue teddy bear holding a box of chocolate and a hand-made card I spent hours on. I can still remember how much I was shaking as I placed it in front of him on his desk after the rest of the class left. He accepted it all without a word. He never asked me out.

Posted by: Dingles at February 9, 2011 11:22 AM

In college, I was a florist. I used to see all manner of douchebags complaining about how much they hadda spend on their girlfriend and asking me how little they could spend and get away with it. I'd see all manner of bitchy girls complaining and whining about what they received/didn't receive. It was pathetic. I loathe Valentine's Day.

My husband is not from the United States. He could give a rat's ass about V Day. He and I are perfect for each other.

Posted by: klingonfree at February 9, 2011 11:42 AM

I finally got lucky and found someone with whom I can share a mutually reciprocal love and we celebrate that all the time. I know that if I did not make a big deal of V-Day, then she would love me just the same. HOWEVER, is this psuedo-holiday really just about us?

It is hard to escape the notion that V-Day is often a big competition. When Sally in Accounting gets two dozen long stems, a box of Godivas, and the ball of fake fur that says "I Wuv U", you can bet that everyone in the building knows. If you are the guy who stands on principle and insists on shunning the superficial trappings, then your loved one must endure the muffled whsipers of pity behind her back. True that she is a much bigger person than to let that bother her, but why make the love of your life even have to deal with it?

Yes, the obligation does suck, but honoring someone who deserves it, even when it is expected, does have meaning, though. So, I'll take my place in line with all of the lemmings and shell out a few hard earned bucks because, all in all, she is worth it.

Posted by: swingdude at February 9, 2011 1:50 PM

I have been shopping for a V-day card for my secret love. I am hetero, but I assure you there were a nice variety of cards that would be appropriate for a non-hetero sweetie of either gender to give or receive.

Posted by: BentJohn at February 9, 2011 2:03 PM

I don't understand it when people say they "don't believe" in something that exists. I don't believe in ghosts because ya know what, there's no scientific proof they exist. But when someone says "I don't believe in Valentine's day" makes no sense. It keeps coming every year, nothing you can do to stop it. I say, I don't understand the significance of Valentine's day. Thank you.

What started this rant is last week I encountered a homophobic asshole who told me she "doesn't believe in" being gay or divorce. I was at work and had to hold back what I really wanted to say and just settled for "I don't believe in being rude to people I don't know." Yes, it was lame and after she left I was kicking myself for all the other good comebacks I could have used. I hate it when I don't think of good insults until after the person who deserves them leaves.

My point is, please don't say "I don't believe" in something, just please say you don't understand the importance. Thank you.

Posted by: Austin at February 9, 2011 3:00 PM

Also, I'm making my fiance a homemade carrot cake on Monday. I have the day off and we haven't had that much time together lately. Depending on how much energy I have I might make lasagna too.

Posted by: Austin at February 9, 2011 3:02 PM

How do I dislike Valentine's Day? Let me count the ways...

1) It's materialistic and shallow. The point for our culture as a whole is not actually to express love; rather it's to give gifts that have been determined by the greeting card companies as appropriate.

Now, I like giving gifts. That's not an issue. I don't however like giving specific predetermined gifts on psuedo-holidays because some marketing tool says doing so is the only way to show someone you love them. Well, it isn't.

2) It's sexist. It's so sexist it's not even a dinosaur... it's a freaking primordial stew of unadulterated sexism. Valentine's Day as viewed by American popular culture today teaches us the following: Women are objects that must be earned with specific empty gifts. Women are also all alike, and all want the same empty gifts. Women view relationships strictly on a material basis. Women also reciprocate gifts with expected behaviours (give em chocolate and you get sex!). I can go on but you get the point. It's so fucking sexist it makes my teeth hurt.

I'm a romantic at heart, and I do love holidays. But this holiday is materialistic and sexist, and it perpetrates unhealthy views of how adults should interact.

Posted by: foolsage at February 9, 2011 3:56 PM

When I've been single, Valentine's definitely has registered as one of the "Oh! Chocolate on sale the day after!" holidays. I think I felt the worst/most nervous about Not Having Romance from middle school up through undergrad, but it fell off quick enough from there.

Now I'm in a long-distance relationship, and Valentine's is close to my boyfriend's birthday and he has the more flexible schedule, so he's visited me for the past couple years on the closest weekend. We've ended up exchanging not-necessarily-Valentine's gifts and covering places that he's wanted to visit/I've wanted to take him to. Any incidental chocolate either of us brings will likely get split, anyway. But yeah -- I like the trend we've had so far of "make time to experience something new together".

My mom sent me chocolates on Valentine's for a while, too, starting from undergrad up until I moved back near my parents (my folks are immigrants and never really did the whole "romance" aspect of Valentine's -- I think this was a combination of aforementioned "Chocolate on sale!" thinking and "Well, Valentine's can celebrate familial love, too" logic).

As for the pressure Valentine's gives: A friend of mine had a boyfriend, who, on the Valentine's a few months into their relationship, gave her a jar full of generic hard Valentine's candy -- hearts and mints and so forth. None of which she particularly ate or even liked, but it was just to get her something because it's Valentine's and you have to. She hadn't asked for or expected anything, either. And she sat at her desk looking at it, and then said, more or less, "You know, people say it's sweet, and he did go out and buy it for me, but I look at this and I think, 'He doesn't really get me.'"

Basically, I can kind of take it or leave it, but dig the excuse to do stuff (even when it's been "I wonder how Snickers tastes... in heart form?"). And, like others above, I'd get annoyed being with someone who felt strongly that there was a right way of doing it, or who insisted a little too often that it was horrible.

Posted by: j. at February 9, 2011 7:49 PM

I know I'm late to the conversation, but this got me thinking, and I'm actually pretty happy with how Valentine's Day is in my world. I hardly register Valentine's Day, really. I don't have strong feelings about it one way or another, and only went through a brief "bitter" stage about it.

I was a perpetually single, perpetually pining girl in high school, so there was really only one Valentine's Day when I was dating somebody. Somewhere in my pre-pubescent years, my best friend and I started making valentine's for each other. I mean, really, we would use any excuse to make cards/crafts/gifts for each other ("You're leaving on vacation? Card!" "You're back from vacation? Poster in your room!" "You got a new dog? Celebratory and colorful note!" etc. etc.) This continued through high school. Finally, the year I was 18, I actually had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I also, that year, had my birthday party a ltitle late on Valentine's Day, for a variety of reasons. So I had a Valentine's themed birthday party, with some childhood regression activities (construction paper hearts, plastic heart bead bracelets, etc.) And yeah, my boyfriend showed up with a rose and a gift, and it was sweet. But what I remember most is how much fun I had surrounded by friends, doing silly crafts, etc.

And ever since then, and to this day, when I think of Valentine's Day, I think of calling my best friend, and maybe (if I have time,) making a construction paper heart to send her. Somehow this holiday has become about my friends, especially my best friend, and I love it that way.

Posted by: GwenBear at February 10, 2011 2:56 PM

GwenBear, you and your friend are funny and cute.

Valentine's strikes a slightly bitter tone within me, but this year I'm going to attempt to be happy for all the happy couples, while digging my nails into my thighs, surfing this place and occasionally dashing off to the restroom to weep, at my place of work.

Posted by: Moviefraud at February 10, 2011 10:52 PM

We won't be celebrating VD next year (other than a card). This year I pulled out all the stops (as per her expectation) and then when we got home after a great night/dinner she did some chores (that she didn't have to do) then watched some TV till it was late. So I didn't get lucky. So VD is now the day I will be reminded that my wife has no physical desire for me. Mwaaah!

NB - I am writing this for a friend. It's not me.

Posted by: JoJo at February 16, 2011 4:33 PM