Pajiba

I wonder if Criss Angel takes offense at his "illusions" being called "tricks."

"A trick's what a whore does for money...or cocaine!"

Hey guys, is there any way to get rid of that super annoying and horrific ad for Captivity? It makes me kinda sick every time I come over here, which is probably too often anyway, but seriously, if the Mormon ads were too much, why is this one OK? And I've even got Joss Whedon and (forgive me for what I am about to type) AICN backing me up on this one.
http://tinyurl.com/2lllmt
Scroll down for the Joss Whedon letter.

Also, it's not only beyond offensive, but god DAMN is it physically irritating! Over in the corner all blinking and flashing at me, so much so that I've had to read the last few reviews with one hand up on the monitor to shield my eyes not just from the horror but the epilepsy inducing ocular assault.

Please help!

It's true: Launching animals with Wile E. Coyote-level elastic technology is just classic; I'm still wiping away the tears. What's remarkable here is the number of camera angles, making the loving application of slo-mo all the more hysterically funny.

And strippers and the First Amendment: The day that a pathetic group of aging frat wannabes with pattern baldness can't get their sorry little peckers rubbed through their Ross "wool-blend" trousers by a bored, 35-year-old coke addict with plastic knockers ... well, I'm sorry that I even have to say it. Yes, my friends, on that day, the terrorists will have already won (if I may lapse into the future perfect).

That's just cruel. If that squirrel didn't break any bones, then it certainly had a heart attack. These people should be sent to jail for animal cruelty.

I've been dissecting that squirrel video like the Zapruder film for the past fifteen minutes, cackling all the way, and I can't decide what my favorite part is -- that "squirrel-apult" is handwritten on the launch module; the launch module is a colander (!); the squirrel has a one-quarter-second "oh fuck" reaction right as the string is cut; several people can be heard laughing hysterically upon a successful lift-off; the fantastic slo-mo-yo-yo sequence where they bring the squirrel BACK toward the porch; or the astonishing grace with which the squirrel gets himself righted in mid-air, feet splayed out and tail streaming behind. Seriously, you can see him get turned right-side-up as he goes into the trees. For a contra example, see tranquilized bear hitting trampoline on YouTube.

Ummm...the squirrel thing...not funny. In fact, sort of awful. I mean, would anyone laugh if there was a kitten in there?

OK off soapbox.

Yeah, that clip is bullshit and those people should go to fucking prison to be assraped.

I'm ashamed of you.

Come on folks, if we can't laugh at the intentionally hilarious suffering of animals, whose suffering CAN we laugh at.

And strippers are people too. Emotionally crippled, surgically enhanced and overly perfumed people but people nonetheless. As Americans, we owe it to ourselves, nay our country, to take pity on these poor creatures and stuff as many crumpled up dollar bills into their sequined deposit boxes as neccessary to take the sting out of the embarassment of having to pretend that the Asian businessmen in the corner don't smell like rotten cabbage.

I'll be honest, I've had more than my share of laughs upon watching videos of animals being unintentionally hilarious. Can't say that I found that one funny, and I don't even like squirrels. Seriously, dude, how BORED was that guy (huge assumption, but I just don't think a bored teenage/college girl would waste brain cells, not too mention a damn good colander, coming up with a "squirrel-apult")? Get a job or hobby or something.

I mean, would anyone laugh if there was a kitten in there?

I probably would. Anyway, cats always land on their feet, right?

A kitten? Hm. That IS an interesting point. But I'm warning you, no matter how many different animals you want to put in the 'pult, that squirrel is going to be hard to top.

How very un-liberal of the usually staunchly liberal Pajiba.

Seriously, I'm one of those people who usually just sneers at every PETA-style rant by uptight commenters who often show no sense of humor at all when it comes to animals in videos.

But even I thought that clip was rotten. It more than likely did injure an animal that was guilty of nothing more than foraging for food. It wasn't "caught stealing", it was only trying to eat when it ended up cruelly abused by the usual stoner/slacker suspects. I also vote for the assrape.

The video got pulled from YouTube and College Humor b/c of the copyright on the song. It's still up at Photobucket, as of five minutes ago.

Yeah, I'm with the humorless ones on this. I just can't laugh at some poor squirrel getting scooped up and hurtling into god knows what. Not cool.
And while I'm being humorless, any chance we can get that dog-awful Captivity ad off of here? It's on every single page of this site, and not only is it ugly and offensive and horrible, but god DAMN is it irritating! Sitting up there all flashing and giving me a headache and a seizure. I know, I'm an old curmudgeon, but the Mormon ads weren't nearly as bad, really!

Also, I've got Joss Whedon on my side:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-soloway/remove-the-rating-for-em_b_44404.html

The squirrel-apult was hilarious. I'm still laughing.

The kitten thing would also be awesome.

Do any of you see the irony in the advocation of assrape as punishment for animal cruelty? Is it just me? I mean, yeah, it was messed up how they did that squirrel. But ASSRAPE? Seriously? I hate to think of what kind of penalty you have came up with for poachers or genocidal maniacs.

As the resident geek here, I vote for the bastards skeet-shooting helpless computers to be assraped. It seems like such a reasonable and logical response.

In more pleasant comments, interesting articles on the Nancy Drew movie. I agree it was mostly the crappy script and acting, but that really puts a new light on it.

Step 1. turn those dudes' couches into an asshole-apult.

Step 2. bait with beer and cheetos.

Step 3. Enjoy.

Now THAT I could have a hearty laugh at. But flinging around and potentially hurting innocent animals? Never EVER.

You're completely right. Polly Jean totally owns Liz Phair.

"Step 1. turn those dudes' couches into an asshole-apult."

Actually, to stick by my assertion that assrape is a totally a-ok punishment here, maybe we can fit the couch cushions each with a spring-loaded VIOLAT-APAULT which would involve most any cylindrical object, er... motivated (with similarly Wile-E-Coyote levels of elasticity) into that most unruly of body cavities, activated by sitting on the couch.

Then, when it's over, at least they don't have to cuddle with their assailant.

Does that make the punishment more fair? I mean, I'm sure that poor squirrel got more than one stick shoved into his who-knows-where before plummeting to his poor little squirrel resting place.

They're rats with good PR. They carry all the same lovely Black Death and die-in-8-hour Hanta viruses that all the other rodents carry. Get a grip because they usually succumb to the same rat poisons when people have the brains to wipe them out.

Got to add my name to the list of folks who cry foul at the squirrel video. Tormenting real animals is not funny.

I gotta say that people siding with the squirrel on this have no basis on it's innocence. How do we know that this animal didn't kill his mother or other loved one? Maybe this was indeed retribution for spreading rabies to a beloved dog or cat?

I just wish people would research the facts before making moral judgements, it's that kind of thinking that makes Americans believe Iraq had anything to do with 9/11.

"they usually succumb to the same rat poisons when people have the brains to wipe them out."

People also die when they drink/eat rat poison, does that mean that babies are okay to be catapulted? As for carrying the Black Death, anything that gets fleas can carry the Black Death, and, once again, that includes people.

Please, Pajiba, don't ever again post a video of animals getting tormented/maimed/killed. I normally love the videos you guys put up, but that one just wasn't funny or lovable, at least by me.

That clip was absolutely disgusting. I cannot believe it was posted here, and that anybody who frequents this website finds it funny. I guess I'm under the assumption that rational, intelligent people do not find the torture of animals funny.

Yeah, that whole squirrel thing. Seriously not funny...those things got hurt, guys. How is that amusing???

God, I hate people who can´t take a joke and get all offended when something really funny happens even if it is at the expense of others or animals like dirty squirrels.

God, I really hate people who take things too far and do harmful, stupid, dangerous things to innocent people or animals and defend it with, "It was all just in good fun. Lighten up".

God, I hate people who get all moralistic in comment sections on blogs where 10 people might actually read it and it changes nobody´s mind whatsoever.

God, I hate people who ramble on and on and never seem to really make a valid point.

God, I hate people who think they are witty and clever when they write, but really are just useless wastes of space who have nothing better to do than spend 10 minutes trying to show off while they wait for their pizza to finish baking in the oven.

God, I hate people who take the Lord´s name in vain.

God, I hate people who respond to a comment on a blog telling the writer he isn´t funny and is just a big asshole.

God, I just hate.

Eh, brakes? C'mon Pajiba. Squirrel torture video? When did you transform into an inbred five year old bully in the making?

Where are the usual nitpickers to point out that she spelled brakes breaks? I guess everyone is too busy arguing about the clip (which I didn't watch).

Chances are the squirrel in the video was not harmed at all by his flight. Grey squirrels frequently make leaps of great distance, and as this squirrel illustrates by his body positioning in midflight, they know exactly what to do to make sure their landings are successful and injury-free. Also, squirrels are very light, they just don't have the mass to make an impact that will actually injure them. So while in theory, this is probably not a great idea to do to animals, in practice, that squirrel is probably ok.

Can we please go back to video clips of fetal lambs eating the flesh off of people's faces?

I don't care if the squirrel is perfectly unscathed. I don't care if squirrels are vermin. I don't care if the whole video is phony. The point is, people find the IDEA of an unwitting animal's fear and suffering HILARIOUS. That is what I find disturbing. What's next? A video of some 12 year old boy with mommy issues nailing frogs to trees and shoving firecrackers up duck's asses? Come on people. If you think shit like this is funny, get help. Now.

"What's next? A video of some 12 year old boy with mommy issues nailing frogs to trees and shoving firecrackers up duck's asses?"

Yes, that is the EXACT next logical step for what this might lead to. Almost directly analogous in fact, so good thinking.

This thread = bwuh.

I suspected there would be quite some whining among the comments regarding the squirrel video.

Well, I didn't think it was that funny or clever either. Maybe if there was some context: The squirrel was really annoying and bit the guy's grandma one time so the catapult was an act of revenge... I can see funny in that. Now it's just tossing in the air, like I did with kittens when I was eight.

If you want to hurt or scare filthy animals, start with pidgeons.

Aw socalled you're my new e-hero!

To add my voice to the chorus, harming animals isn't funny. Bad form, Pajiba.

If anyone is interested, I have a video of a couple of kittens being swung by their tales to "Flight of the Valkyries".

Oh, and for those who are offended by video of animals as the victims of practical jokes, here's a tip:

Don't watch the video.

I have a warped, irreverent sense of humor, but that squirrel clip is the most brazenly unfunny trash I've seen in a long time. This makes me want to stop being a visitor of this site.

"I have a warped, irreverent sense of humor, but that squirrel clip is the most brazenly unfunny trash I've seen in a long time. This makes me want to stop being a visitor of this site."

That's funny, because I come HERE for the warped, irreverent sense of humor of the contributors. That, and because Dustin is one sexy summamabitch.

That's right folks, it's "Flaming On The Thread Day".

Oh, man. I saw this coming from a mile away. Ever since I got beat up at the Our Daily Bread thread, I've learned that some Pajibers take animals quite seriously.

And Manny, you have no soul. There is a dark, twisted lump of lead where your heart should be.

It's probably why I like you so much.

Carry on.

Add me to the people who did not find this funny, all I could think of was how scared the poor thing probably was, and how hurt it probably ended up.

When it comes to animals I'm a bleeding heart p*ssy,

that was vid was just mean.

Bullshit, Manny!

Putting these videos on display here for people to laugh at just encourages more people to fucking make videos of animals being tortured. Even if I choose not to watch the video, PAJIBA IS ENDORSING IT.

And that is not something I am, at all, cool with.

Bucko, Bucko. Ohhhhhh Bucko. I saw the video. After I stopped laughing and cleaned up the puddle of urine I was sitting in, I stopped to think if this was indeed "cruelty" to animals. After thinking about it for a while, I realized two things:

1. This person was actually doing this squirrel a favor. Unlike it's airborne cousin, the flyinq squirrel, the squirrel in this video had no hope of ever knowing the joy of flight. Now, it can die secure in the knowledge that it has tasted, for however brief a moment, true freedom.

2. If animals weren't put on this planet for our consumption or amusement, what are they here for? I get countless hours of amusement watching my Shih Tzu slide across the linoleum as he chases a tossed toy, sliding headlong into the cabinets at full speed. If it weren't for the fact that he's so darned amusing, I would be recounting to you tales of the Shih Tzu sandwich I had for lunch today.

Now you tell me what's unfair: Letting these poor creatures live unfulfilled lives, or eating them?

Manny, stop teasing them. Have you read what they want to do to people like you?

Frankly, I think the folks calling assrape and comparing this to catapulting babies, eating rat poison and shoving explosives inside duck anuses need more counseling that the guys in that video. THEY were at best extremely bored, at worst really high. What is YOUR excuse? And what is this obsession with sticking things in behinds?

Maybe they are scarce where you live, but here where I live, the little bastards are numerous and bold as hell. Honest to God, they wait until a car is a foot away before they cross the street. They are daredevils. From my observations, they are freakin' daredevils. So I am sorry, but I refuse to feel like the little guy didn't survive and torture others because of it. Maybe it is optimistic, but I want to give the squirrel some credit.

And yes, I laughed at it, if only for the "holy shit" factor. I really don't care if you didn't; that is your deal. But to insinuate that those who did are somehow cruel or sick or mentally unwell (which you are insinuating) is ridiculous, especially considering some of the outrageous stuff some of you have come up with.

difference:
I would never put into practice or applaud any of the things i've "advocated" actually being put into practice.

OK Manny- I give. Your post cracked my thin-lipped uptight, PETA-loving ass right up. Well done. Vermillion- I still think you're cool. We can agree to disagree, I hope. I didn't invent any of the gross things I wrote- it's just stuff I have read that kids did who then went on to become serial killers. Don't ask me where I "read" this "stuff." I have no idea where half the things in my head come from. I probably did just make it all up and do in fact, need some serious, serious help.
Oh well.

Oh- and I do feel the need to note that someone called "Big Red" is also posting now. Welcome, Big Red of the Similar Name!

socalled-
I'm so glad you agree. heh.
Sorry- I think you all just got me on a bad day. I guess I am just sort of touchy today.
Still,
Animal cruelty=Bad
Unless it's Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote, then animal cruelty=quality comedy.
Maybe if this clip had just been animated... Hmmmm... I think I have an idea for a new Pixar movie. Ratatouille with fluffy tails! He wants to be a pilot!! Everyone will love it!

Bucko - If that is so, why advocate it then? And what is with the quotes? By stating you wanted them to be assraped, you are supporting it in the role of a punishment. That is being an advocate for it. You don't have to do it yourself or even find humor in it. But from this

spring-loaded VIOLAT-APAULT which would involve most any cylindrical object, er... motivated (with similarly Wile-E-Coyote levels of elasticity) into that most unruly of body cavities, activated by sitting on the couch.

I assumed that you would gain some sort of satisfaction from it being implemented. I do apologize if I somehow misread your post as endorsing the violation of a person's rectal cavity.

go big red - I understand. I really didn't mean to say you came up with the stuff, but it just seemed so weird where the comments were going. And I am glad we are still cool.

As I said, I did laugh initially, and felt bad about doing it. Just liked I laughed at those jokes over on Deus Ex Malcontent. Horrible subject matter, but still, I could not help but laugh at least once. Comedy and tragedy are two sides of the same coin. Something that would make you laugh one day, could make you cry the next.

And maybe we all need a little professional help.

Nathan, two months ago a squirrel fell out of a tree and died on the ground next to my patio. He just fell, he wasn't even flung.

When an animal can maybe direct where their entire body weight is going and with what force, you would have an argument. He had absolutely no control over where he was going or how quickly he got there. Plus I'm sure he was stunned.

I know this squirrel argument is long over, I'm just sayin'.

There's no need to try and justify animal cruelty.

Eva -- Are you positive it didn't fall out of the tree because it was dead? Otherwise, I'd say that sounds a bit suspect.

Come on Stacey, Advanced Squirrel Physics 101 states that a squirrel in motion stays in motion as long as it's funny. Eva's example obviously died because it had no sense of humor. Like Eva.