Pajiba

Breaking news. Apparently Scarlett Johanson's breasts have lured Ryan Reynolds into the prospect of marriage. Knowing that Ryan Reynolds has now both dipped into Johanson physically AND emotionally has made him completely unf*ckable. This is a sad day, a very sad day indeed.

I like Family Guy (and no, I'm not ashamed) but Seth MacFarlane has been reaching lately for some of these episodes. I've missed so much of this season, but considering how stupid it's getting, it doesn't really matter.

Stacy, I think you're the first person to compliment Jennifer Aniston on this site. An actress she is not, but she's working that bikini.

Love the Shin Chan banner, by the way. The animation is shit, but that show gets me every time.

Ohhh, Vacant Lot's the one that had "Pretty Vacant" as their theme, right? I remember it existing but can't remember when, like when you recognize people but have no idea what story arc of your life they were in, then you might make an inside joke but realize you're in the wrong inside and means nothing to this person.

The Frontiers ad is less gross but still nicely repellent.

I'm untroubled by this engagement. Indifferent, really. And I don't hate Scarlett to begin with. Guess that makes me a Solitary Man. Also, Cocoa Beach just makes me think of Gordo Coooper.

Gordo Cooper would NOT eat Kashi.

Wait, the description sounds like the guy invented Brawndo for the movie, but in the article, it clearly says the movie inspired the drink.

I must join Jay in the "so what?" side of the room re: Ryan and Scarlett. I know that once a certain relationship with a celeb has been established around here (lust for Ryan, hatred for Scarlett), having a differing opinion is tantamount to pulling a freshly slain antelope flank out of a starving tiger's slavering jaws. So I am just going to say "Congrats" to the couple and move on.

Ms. Aniston, please don't let certain folks convince you that you need a man in your life to be happy. You are not in a competition with you-know-who, and really, you can do better than John Mayer anyway. Just be yourself, enjoy your life, and keep rocking the swimwear and making the young tricks jealous. Also, no pressure or anything, but if you could: maybe, just maybe, kiss a few more women on camera? Just putting that out there, you know, for the universe to pick and all.

*crosses fingers*

Whatevs - Family Guy has formulaic elements, yes - but it still makes me laugh as hard as Kids in the Hall does, and for the same reason - linear storytelling is overrated and weirdness for the sake of weirdness can be hilarious. Come on, you praise a show with an oversexed chicken lady, but damn one with extended battle sequences involving a man-sized chicken? SHENANIGANS!

That said, I'm not psyched about another McFarlane show, in the same way I am never psyched about spinoffs - typically, they suck. Except for Frasier.

Nah, Jay, I harbor no ill will for the Mope-inator, and I still have an itch in my pants from that opening image in Lost in Translation. Also -- please turn your eyes away Ladies of Pajiba -- in the world of Platonic ideals, Scarlett got what appears to be the prototype head-giving mouth. I'll know for sure once I've tried it out, but the visual evidence is overwhelming. I mean, have you seen Girl with Pearl Necklace? I mean, Earring?

Maybe RR can glean some wisdom from her on how to get attached to halfway decent projects, especially since he's about 20 times more talented. As much gorilla feces as gets thrown her way, ScarJo manages to land in some choice cinema -- even the shitty stuff had to sound good in the pitch line (e.g., The Island), though there is just no excuse for Scoop. Gargh! Now that I think about it, maybe the DSL issue and this issue are related.

Re keyboard vs. toilet seat ... hmmm, what toilet seat are we talking about? The "average" toilet seat, I assume, is one in someone's house. Now I wouldn't want to eat off it -- unless its Olivia Thirlby, then I'm totally doing anything -- but I can't say I'm surprised or dismayed in the least by that information. Unless someone is a really confused urinator or crapper, the toilet seat should generally see just inoffensive thigh and buttcheek action. Think about what people put their hands in, on, and around every day -- that's just a microbe farm.

The part of me that touches a toilet seat? That's probably the cleanest part of my body.

Now, if by "average," they mean the toilet seats at the Greyhound station in Newark ... I would rather eat my keyboard than touch one of those with an ungloved hand. So maybe some clarification is needed. Or not.

I don't hate Scarlett either...I meh her.

And yeah, I've always found Family Guy to be pretty funny. I haven't seen it since it's been zombiefied-and-raised-from-cancellation-death, but the first three seasons made me laugh my ass off.

"I'm not drunk, I just have a speech impediment.
:pukes:
And a stomach virus.
:falls off the bar stool:
And an inner ear infection."

Just be yourself, enjoy your life, and keep rocking the swimwear and making the young tricks jealous

With you V. I don't get the disdain. Maybe she's not very ambitious -- I wouldn't be either if I were sitting on a forty-foot pile of thousand-dollar bills. Maybe she's not the most edgy, or the most intelligent -- I really have no idea. But she seems nice, and she's bringing the hot pretty firmly as she approaches the big 4-0. Your well-intentioned criticism of her failure to make out with other hot women, however, is spot-on. That's my only suggested change as well.

Also -- please turn your eyes away Ladies of Pajiba -- in the world of Platonic ideals, Scarlett got what appears to be the prototype head-giving mouth.

Socalled! My delicate sensibilities!

[gasps]
[monocle falls out]
[faints]
[joins convent]
[marries Jesus]
[changes name to Sister Sternface Immaculata]

Family Guy: Funny. I see where the hate is coming from, but I don't agree.

American Dad: Meh

Seth McFarlane: Fucking annoying. In every talkshow appearance I've seen, he's a smug unfunny bastard.

Scarlett's "protoype head-giving mouth": Yes, please.

Okay, I take it that was sarcasm. I especially liked the monocle part. So, have we found our next Afternoon Comment Diversion? Not "Who Would You Most Want Going Down on You," but "Who Appears Best Equipped to Go Down on You."

I submit that I have never seen a woman whose face screams "blow job!" like Scarlett Johannsen. I'm sure her father will be thrilled to hear that. On the other hand, the scuttlebut is that his retirement is fully funded by virtue of her lack of virtue.

Scarlett: I write a snide, self-indulgent, alcohol-soaked column for a snarky website that goes out its way to avoid having clout in the film industry. Also, nearly everyone here except Jay, Claude and me hates you. I'm sure I can help your career, if only you'll let me take that mouth for a test-drive.

ScarJo? Meh. MEH.

I fucking hate the Family Guy almost as much as I hate Lil' Bush on Comedy Central. Family Guy is often not funny and is possibly the most ridiculous thing that I have ever seen. At it's best, it is half the show that The Simpsons or even South Park was in it's early years. The South Park episode lampooning Family Guy by saying it was written by manatees was one of the best. Family Guy is one of those things that I feel are contributing to the decline of intelligence in society, along with MTV/VH1, Paris Hilton, and 98% of humanity.

I hate the Family Guy and Seth McFarland. He needs to meet the bottom of an intergalactic black hole.

It's harder to judge for us girlies, but I'll go with Joseph Fiennes...he had such a lovely mouth in Shakespeare in Love. May my legs one day become his earmuffs.

Dammit! I just stumbled on the story about RR buying ScarJo a ring and I ran over here thinking I was hot shit, only to find out everyone else already knows. Great.

Anyway, I do not like Scarlett Johannsen. Not one bit. I think she's a mediocre actress and she has a giant head. Sure, she's got those lips, but socalled's right, they ain't fit for nothin' but yucky stuff. I was going to say something raunchier than "yucky stuff," but I figure now's as good a time as any to reel in the gutter mouth.

Julie - too true about Joseph Fiennes. I happen to think Javier Bardem would be perfectly equipped for the job.

Ooh, good one Kolby...and in the same vein, Penelope Cruz would do wonders for the Pajiboys.

May my legs one day become his earmuffs.

Sister Immaculata! My word! You will make the baby Jesus cry!

I'm sure I can help your career, if only you'll let me take that mouth for a test-drive.

If not, she might want to help Ms. Aniston get over her lady-necking nerves...

Geez, people ...

It's harder to judge for us girlies, but I'll go with Joseph Fiennes...he had such a lovely mouth in Shakespeare in Love.

I suggest looking for someone with a broad, contoured face comfortable for treating like a tractor seat. On that note, let me introduce myself: My friends call me Lawnchair-Face.

At it's best, it is half the show that The Simpsons or even South Park was in it's early years.

This implies that "South Park" is somehow inferior to "The Simpsons," which, I'm sorry, but I have to reject. I like Simpsons pretty well, but South Park is on the Mt. Rushmore of American comedy. I have no affinity for The Family Guy at all, but funny is one of those things that is definitely in the eye of the beholder. So please disregard this entire paragraph.

they ain't fit for nothin' but yucky stuff

What are you, 10? There's nothing yucky about providing the mouth-massage to another person's junk, assuming you're into giving that person that service, and there's definitely nothing yucky about getting the junk massaged. Alas, ScarJo appears to view it as a resume add-on. So please disregard this entire paragraph.

she has a giant head

Poetic justice, n'est ce pas?

My friends call me Lawnchair-Face.

Bwa...

providing the mouth-massage to another person's junk

...ha ha ha!

If not, she might want to help Ms. Aniston get over her lady-necking nerves...

Damn, now I need a towel.

I guess ultimately my point is, the woman with the world's best knob-gobbler should have a job, preferably in a visual medium, unless her job is going to be at my house. The guy with the biggest knob should likewise have guaranteed regular employment, as should the bottomless vag, twirliest titters ... you get the idea.

This implies that "South Park" is somehow inferior to "The Simpsons," which, I'm sorry, but I have to reject. I like Simpsons pretty well, but South Park is on the Mt. Rushmore of American comedy.

Socalled, I think that there is room for both shows on the Mt. Rushmore of American comedy. South Park? I adore that show. The Scientology/R. Kelly episode is one of those rare things to earn a permanent spot on my Tivo. I can quote several episodes and killed about 50% of my liver by creating a drinking game that corresponds to the movie. The Simpsons is not nearly as good as it used to be, but I still enjoy the hell out of it.

Comedy is subjective, but good gravy I hate the Family Guy. I also hate most of SNL's work for the last 5 years, Dick in a box is exempt.

I would have been violently outraged by the Family Guy hate before last night's episode. Now, I'm just like, give me a break. They've run out of plot, they've run out of the clever stuff they used to pull off, and now they're just being outrageous for the sake of saying "Oh, aren't we so outrageous?" I mean, the Michael J. Fox joke was just uncalled-for and unfunny.

South Park, however, is getting better, but then again, they have to ADD about six episodes and sell it as one season for $50. Comedy Central has to make it's money back somehow. The Simpsons is that old family dog that's been wheezing around for fifteen years, and you just keep it around because you can't bear to give it the Old Yeller treatment.

And I don't know why people get up in arms about Seth MacFarlane doing a new show. It's on FOX. The fucking ADD network. The pitch meeting went something like "Oooh! Shiny! Me want!" They ordered up four shows, so they can tweak the fuck out of their "Animation Domination Masturbation Obligation". It'll air, do poorly, FOX will yank all the shows, sell them to the Cartoon Network, where they'll succeed, and then buy them back for FOXToonz, the new network that I just made up.

Besides, I'll watch Duckman marathons before I watch fucking American Idol and So You Think You Still Have Pride?.

as should the bottomless vag

...is that why so many of my socks go missing?

sell it as one season for $50. Comedy Central has to make it's money back somehow

Comedy Central has to get back that $50 million that was given to Dave Chappelle prior to him going insane. They need your $50 for six episodes.

as should the bottomless vag

But is that really going to benefit anyone?

Certainly not going to help with any myth-proving! And the guy would be all depressed too, or else he'd just appreciate the dark humor and crack jokes like the guy in "Predator". Still, it's not really my province. I suppose there's some that would enjoy the challenge.

he'd just appreciate the dark humor and crack jokes like the guy in "Predator".

The best part is Billy Bear from 48 Hours getting the joke like 10 seconds later.

I'm not saying I want to interact with the bottomless vag, any more than most women (or men of that persuasion) probably want to interact with Long Dong McKong; I just feel that these folks on the ends of the spectrum should be acknowledged.

South Park, however, is getting better, but then again, they have to ADD about six episodes and sell it as one season for $50.

Guh, it's so true -- the seasons are so short, but the work has been top notch.

...is that why so many of my socks go missing?

I totally took that the wrong way for like fifteen minutes. The right way isn't any better.

There's nothing yucky about providing the mouth-massage to another person's junk, assuming you're into giving that person that service, and there's definitely nothing yucky about getting the junk massaged. Alas, ScarJo appears to view it as a resume add-on. So please disregard this entire paragraph.

I say, sir, I shall do no such thing, and request you retract such a demand. It is time for folks to realize that mouths hugs are good and right and beloved by all the angels on high.

Especially when you gag a little.

...mouths hugs are good and right and beloved by all the angels on high.
Especially when you gag a little.

Vermillion, I'm having an It's a Wonderful Life moment. "Teacher says, every time someone gags on cock or an errant pube gets caught in the back of your throat, an angel gets its wings!"

Ugh. Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who dislikes Family Guy. I think it's one of the laziest shows on television. Why doesn't anyone ever pick up on the fact that every episode is padded with cultural references completely devoid of commentary or satire? Just like every "Movie" movie, Family Guy simply takes something you've seen before, waves it around, and yells "Look! See this? You've seen it before! Remember? Okay, that's all!" Fucking show.
And while we're at it, can everyone just admit that The Office effing sucks now? It was all downhill after Season 2.

I can't Lannie, I still really enjoy The Office. Season three couldn't hold a candle to two, but there were a number of episodes that I thought were just as funny and emotional as the earlier seasons (Beach Games, Business School, Phyllis' Wedding). And though the hour long episodes of four have been lackluster in parts, I think it's finally in its groove again (last week's had me howling). :)

That being said, I do think that 30 Rock has surpassed it, which I never thought I'd say.

Socalled:

"The "average" toilet seat, I assume, is one in someone's house. Now I wouldn't want to eat off it -- unless its Olivia Thirlby, then I'm totally doing anything --"

So...you're a blumpie boy? Never would have imagined that one in a million years.

"That being said, I do think that 30 Rock has surpassed it, which I never thought I'd say."
I know, right? I'm sad about The Office. I agree that there were some good episodes in Season 3, but I've hated Season 4 all the way through. The first episode back with the dinner party at Michael and Jan's condo was actually painful to watch. Painful.
This is why in a strange way, I'm glad Arrested Development was cancelled, because it never had the chance to go bad. The whole run of the show was just perfect.

The nerve of some people, stealing my identity.

So...you're a blumpie boy?

Yeah, sometimes I wish Urban Dictionary didn't exist, then I'd never know.

Just like every "Movie" movie, Family Guy simply takes something you've seen before, waves it around, and yells "Look! See this? You've seen it before! Remember? Okay, that's all!"

Lannie, you've described my problem with those movies much more tersely than I ever could. Thank you.

Jay:

I learned of "the blumpie" from a colleague who has a very close relative who retired from a senior position in the Republican Party. Make of that what you will.

And lest I be found remiss:

That little easter egg when The Doctor was broadcasting to the Sontarans?

And the holy shit-ness of next week's episode?

(and Peter Davison's daughter is the star, no less...would that be called a casting pun?)

And again: Christopher Ryan! Hee hee!!

Aaaahhh....I missed out on sex talk? I've been prepping for this moment for months...and I have meetings most of the day and miss it! Sob

Well, let me at least contribute to the discussion. I love Family Guy. Yes, it's very cultural, and non-linear, and has no purpose other than to be weird and quirky and off-the-wall...but it's funny, damnit! At least a bad Family Guy episode in comparison to a bad Simpsons episode is much better. If I had to choose...I would rank them as so:

1. Futurama
2. Family Guy
3. South Park
4. Drawn Together
5. American Dad
6. Simpsons

Not because I don't like Simpsons..but because I like the humor on the others so much better.

And for the record...I would deathmatch any one of you to be Jenn's bikini fluffer

Wow, I didn't think anyone on Pajiba watched Drawn Together. I'm glad they cancelled it. It was funny during the first season, but afterwards, it went beyond crude. Seeing babies throw their shitty diapers and watching them slide down the wall really isn't funny.

As mentioned in the linked article But then again, "Family Guy" is now the top-rated comedy on FOX (ahead of "The Simpsons"), which just goes to show you: Stupid is as ... fuck you.

Waht? Why!?

Watched a full episode of Family Guy last night - 1st in a long time (I was too tired to put on a DVD I ultimately fell asleep during). Yikes. Stupid. Even more than the awfulness of "Grey's Anatomy" I have not completely lost interest in a show that I used to watch than I have with "Family Guy"

However, it is good to see the manatess will keep getting paid.

1st?

So...you're a blumpie boy? Never would have imagined that one in a million years

In the words of 'bama, eeyyeeeewww, you bastard. That's just wrong. You're just being mean now over a perceived slight. I meant that I would eat off the toilet seat that Olivia had sat on, but I was anticipating ordinary food, or at least those crunchy-chewy sweet tarts, co-mingled with a few perfumey scented skin cells from her bum.

Dammit. What kind of a world have we come to when it's not clear what I mean when I say I want to eat off of Olivia Thirlby's toilet seat, as long as it's not at the Greyhound station in Newark?

Huh. I liked early Family Guy (pre-cancellation), just because some of the cultural references were SO out there (Bing Crosby/Bob Hope Road movies? Pygmalion/My Fair Lady? Ok so maybe not out there so much as just unexpected at the time, but I'll take it) Now? Meh.

Also, I FINALLY saw Iron Man tonight. We agreed, if it was pretty much anyone else in the RDJ role, it would have sucked. He absolutely made that movie. And also made me a little melty in the soft places. The husband was less impressed, the dialogue was too dumbed down, according to him. I could only think "But it's a comic book movie!" and go back to being dreamy about RDJ. What a way to end a press conference, I say.

The "Brawndo" ads were inspired by a fake ad for Powerthirst, created by a Halifax-based group called Picnicface. Pretty funny guys. I recommend their show on Sunday nights at Ginger's Tavern to anyone who makes their way out here. Only 5 bucks!

The first episode back with the dinner party at Michael and Jan's condo was actually painful to watch. Painful.

I think that's the kind of uncomfortable feeling that the writers are taking from the original British Office. Have you ever seen the episode where David Brent has to do a motivational speech? Awkward... so very, very awkward.

True, but it was still amusing at least. US Office has always depended on uncomfortable humour (and endless awkward pauses), but I didn't think the dinner party episode was anything like that. It felt like someone showing you a video of the greatest hits of your parents' divorce, expecting you to laugh at it somehow. Ugh.

I'm with Lannie on the dinner party episode--it was cringy, but not in a good David Brent way. However, we part ways after this: the next couple of episodes were, I thought, back in fine form. I think the minor characters make a world of difference; they should never take The Office out of the office.

Mary, Picnicface intrigues me! Slightly ashamed to say I've never heard of them, and I'm only in Cape Breton. I just googled them, and looks pretty funny (heehee..."when god gives you lemons, you find a new god"...I like it!) Might take your advice and check them out next time I'm in town.

i have never liked family guy. it's just awful. as for the office, it's still one of my favorite shows. jan's dance at the dinner party had me cracking up and i loved dwight's take on "mad libs" in last week's ep.

i miss the vacant lot. "could i please have AN hot dog?"

MO, definately give their videos a look-see. Their gag promo video for the city of Halifax is weirdly hilarious.