Pajiba

Treehouses are awesome. Someday I'm gonna live in Channelwood, dammit.

Damn, it is just not safe for us bloggers out there.

This is why y'all will never know my real name. Well... most of you, anyway.

Oy. Avril Lavigne makes my hair hurt, she's so goddamn annoying.

I want the Swiss Family Robinson treehouse. With pet tiger. I would have given up all my Rainbow Brite dolls as a child if someone had built me that.

1. James Caan is among the most gorgeous of the gorgeous.
2. Apparently, he also kicks ass. I love it!

Okay, funny thing about the first two loves. Clinton was just here doing a townhall thing and he for reaslies had his head all the way up his ass. And one of my professors wives was there, and out of no where she started breastfeeding her kid. It was gross. He's almost two. Maybe he'll be the next hip-hop superstar. Ew.

Is it just me or is Vince Vaughn's junk seriously hanging out of his pants? That's a shadow, right? It looks like a damn elephant trunk.

Ha! Brie, it looks like junk+shadow+car keys in pocket=Vaughnian penis of Dirk Diggler proportions.

"You know what Vince Vaughn's problem is? Too much pie."

Do you see what I am trying to tell you people? Pie is sick and wrong, and this is why I don't believe in it. Well okay, maybe not this, specifically. I don't really give a crap about Vince Vaughan or his bloat. But still, pie bad. No pie. Cooked fruit, syrupy gel stuff, solidified Crisco crust, and sugar shock? No thank you.

Also, The Blemish is apparently classified as pornography by the IT people here at work, and is therefore blocked. Anybody wanna 'splain to Lucy what that link goes to? I'd like to know if it's something I need to add to the list of stuff I don't believe in.

Sarina, it's an article about Avril Lavigne, aka The Greatest Musical Artist of Our Time.

::kills self::

If you really want to be offended by this particular Real World cast member, watch the preview for next week's episode (I was bored at work! I regret it!). Safe to say you'll forget about her feelings about the ugly and fat when you hear what she says about her black roommates...

They're his keys? Damn, that potential mountain snake he was sporting would've made up for the belly and goofy expression on his face in the last pic.

But for some reason, I can't stop staring.

Oy. This is exactly why I stopped watching the Real World. I miss the days when it was all Crazy-Irene-Lymes Diseasey.

I have terrible news.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/film/news/e3iaeef0c1a4b682082118cd7199bec6a52

If my weekend is ruined, then so is everyone else's, by God!

Hmmm, the Real World woman hates ugly and fat people, and she's worth singling out, but Agent Bedhead makes fun of VV for being slightly overweight and insinuating that he eats too much pie, and that's worthy of a link...

I realize I'm not one of the Eloquents, so I'm probably missing some sort of inside joke, but isn't all this like having yr cake and eating it too?

I'm just saying...

Avril Lavigne reminds me of this girl named Gina who I knew in middle school who thought she was so hardcore, but was, in actuality, a 13 year old suburban white girl who tended to dress like Rock Star Barbie and was dumber than a chimp on meth. However, Gina was about nine times as hardcore as Avril Lavigne, because Gina was suspended for a month in 7th grade for getting caught having sex in Locker Bay C during gym class (at the age of 13) and then expelled the day she came back to school because she set the science lab skeleton on fire like Burning Man. Gina would rip Avril Lavigne's head off and spit in her neck. And then probably set her corpse aflame, cuz Gina was a total firebug.

Sarina, you crack me up.

Ironically, I'm using my blog to try to get fired. That's why I post under my real name. That, and just don't have the body for stripping.

Also, I once worked at a bank with a girl who used to talk about how disgusting she thought fat people were, and how they should just die. So I wrote a play about a fat whorey redneck who thinks she's psychic because a crate of tampons fell on her head at Wal-Mart. And I named the character Tanya, after her.

Revenge is a bitch best served cold.

And we all know you're real name: Tobias Kirkwood, of 1356 Ravensmere Road, Waltham, MA.

I love Chez as much as the next Pajibian, but he is hardly the first person to be fired for his blog. Heather Armstrong was a founding mother of that shit, and since then, at least in my mind, it's not so much a "Chez Pazienza treatment" but being "dooced".

However, her blog is significantly less fun since she had a kid. Cute dog though.

Re: The KSK douchewaffle. Am I supposed to feel sorry for this shit encrusted butthole? he violated the terms of the full disclosure part of his contract with the Post. The fact that he "claims" that his reporting "beat" had nothing to do with sports but instead covered local news is no excuse, just more "Awwww!!! Pity party for me 'cause I'm a shit caked butthole who refuses to be honest with my employer and now they have the gall to fire me."

Fuck that. Not only did this douche deserved to get fired he should have been physically evicted from the Post's premises and had a restraining order placed on his shit encrusted ass.

And yeah, I now all of the hipsters doofus shiteaters who post here at Pajiba are going to try and get all snarky on my ass. Here's the thing: y'all lost what little credibility you had when you expressed admiration for serial liar James Frey a week or so back

You know Ben, there is actually a pretty good point there, only it's buried underneath your obnoxious, childish, pathetic cry for attention. You might want to give civil discourse a shot. Just, you know, try it on. See if it fits.

God dammit I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Avril. On the scale of self inflicted torture, she ranks somewhere between what we saw yesterday a and Prince Alberts. No offence to people who have them, but when I used to go fishing when I was younger, we had to kind of feed the worm onto the hook, and it always creeped me out. Whenever I see a Prince Albert, all I can think of is a Big Mouth Bass in a fishing boat with one of those dorky fishing hats waiting for me to go down on it. But yeah, Avril is a Douchewaffle.

So Jeremy, how do you feel about Avril?

Pie wasn't on my agenda... it was the flashing innuendo that amused me. But sure, pie works too.

Listen. I need to put a stop to the pie hating right now. Pie did not do that to Vince Vaughn. God did that to Vince Vaughn after the remake of Psycho.

Now, Sarina, you owe pie an apology. I'm not talking about rhubarb or even lemon meringue. I'm talking about apple and chocolate cream. Go on. Say you're sorry.

...pie hater.

In other news, people need to learn not to eff around with Sonny Freaking Corleone. If you don't know you better ask somebody.

Avril is about as hardcore as the pink Powerpuff Girl.

Ben, if you think so little of the Pajiba community, why are you here? Why do you keep posting? What are you getting out of all this? If you want to disagree with things, obviously that's fine, but why do you need to express yourself in such a hateful manner? I think you need a hug and a cupcake. That's what I think. An uncomfortably long hug, until you cry out your inner demons, and then a delicious sweet tiny cake to make you feel all better.
Anyway. Why must David O. Russell be such a psychotic douche all the time? It almost makes me feel bad for liking his movies. On the one hand, where would we be without Josh Brolin licking Patricia Arquette's armpit? On the other hand... dude has some serious interpersonal issues. Maybe he needs a long hug, too.

Now, Sarina, you owe pie an apology. I'm not talking about rhubarb or even lemon meringue. I'm talking about apple and chocolate cream. Go on. Say you're sorry.

...pie hater.

Fuck no. I don't believe in cooked fruit, and I definitely don't believe in chocolate cream. However, because I am a good and generous soul, I am willing to be magnanimous and come to a compromise. Should pie ever sit down and think about what it did and stop being so goddamn disgusting, I will then apologise. Like I mean it and everything. Until that day comes, however, pie is DEAD TO ME. I don't consort with that level of grossness.

...unless I'm high, and it's one of those gas station pudding pies. But c'mon! That totally doesn't even count. People will eat anything when they're high, including unidentified objects they find on the floor.

I Love Beets,

Fuck if YOU managed to understand the point I made in my post, I can barely hold out hope that a few of the other posters might do the same. Plus in this day and age of people going batshit crazy when making comments on the Internet, my posts are a cool, calm, tranquil island of clear lucidity.

Lannie, Hugs fall in to the same category as dancing with me. I don't fast dance, I only slow dance. I don't hug, I just french kiss. As for cupcakes, I may be intrigued enough to subscribe to your newsletter. What flavor and type of cupcake and more importantly flavor and tpe of frosting are we talking about?

Fine. I am going to let go of the pie thing.

Besides, Vince Vaughn does not look like a pie eater. I suspect donuts. And beer.

Shitcake, Ben. Isn't that your favorite flavor?

Ye gods, what kind of "cool, calm, tranquil island" are you on, dude? I prefer my oases without multiple references to fecal matter encrusted on posteriors, thank you very much!

Sarina, you may not believe in pie but...

PIE BELIEVES IN YOU!!!! *Lightning* *Maniacal laugh*

Uhm...it's really late and I should be sleeping...

Sarina: your description of pie is disturbingly close to some bullshit from the freezer section of the supermarket. Come by sometime and I'll show you real pie with handmade crust and everything. MMMM...Granny Smiths/sugar/cinnamon/sugar/lemon juice/sugar wrapped in perfectly browned and flaky blanket from heaven.

I don't think you people understand. It doesn't matter if it's fried fast food pie, frozen grocery store pie, handmade pie from somebody's sweet little grandma, or magical fairy pie sprinkled with sunshine and heaven. I don't believe in pie. I don't like a lot of sugary, overly sweet things. I hate cooked fruit. I only like hot cinnamon, not sweet cinnamon. I'm not very fond of whipped cream. I don't like most sweet pastries (I don't believe in donuts, either). There is nothing about pie that I like. I'm sorry if my weirdness breaks your brain, but I just plain don't believe in pie.

Unless it's chicken pot pie. That's totally a kind of pie that I like, because it's not sweet. Does that help? Does it hurt less now that you know there's a diamond in the rough pie that I can believe in? Have the lambs stopped screaming?

Oh Serina, when will you let pie into your heart. Don't you understand? Pie is the magical tart of the angels, a gift from the heavens, wrapped in a buttery, flaky, golden crust.

Pie is patient, pie is kind. Pie does not envy, pie does not boast, pie is not proud. Pie is not rude, pie is not self-seeking, pie is not easily angered, pie keeps no record of wrongs. Pie does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Pie always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Besides, you remember Waitress, right? All about the pie. So come now, Sarina, let the great pie of love into the oven of your heart.

P.S. My apologies to Daniel Carlson for that Pie filled piece of blasphemy above. Terribly, terribly sorry. Also, Avril Lavigne is a prosti-tot.

Sarina

No, it probably won't stop them. Mind you, I don't have an exceedingly sweet tooth so I'm not as offended, but I don't understand it either. If you said you didn't like, say, french fries I might blow my top. Being turned off by coffee is more understandable. You've cleared it up by saying "cooked fruit" though. That explains a lot more than just being disgusted with the overall pie concept.

I'd say Vince is just a little out-of-movie-shape, but looks pretty normal. And I've definitely seen him in worse shape.

I tried to go see "Son of Rambow" at a festival screening here tonight, and the Braves game totally ruined I-85 South traffic even though it was after six and I was going INTO town. It's supposed to be safe to drive then, but NOOOO, not on this day. So that hurt to begin with and set off my screaming and twitching. Then I couldn't even park at this shopping center where the art house is. But then there's two or three bars, a few more restaurants and a Trader Joe's and they're all using the same limited, poorly arranged spaces and I'd already paid for the ticket and after ten minutes of fruitless searching and dodging reckless fuckers while wanting to just gut it into a wall myself my screaming had gone into more of a falsetto range. I was beyond late for the movie at this point.

Clearly I needed to stop at a bar before going home. But I ran into an old college friend, and not in a bad way, and had some more of that ale I had last night. My friends told me the movie was really good and it will get a release here on May 2, so I'm not screwed forever. Iron Man/Art House double shot weekend!!! (yes, you have to say that like the AOR bumpers)

Oh I meant gun it into a wall and at least have a satisfyingly twisted metal death rather than the infuriating impotency of looking for a space. I was not enjoying having a MurderTank moment.

Seriously, Midtown Promenade: I am not appreciating your bullshit parking lot which is even more dangerously unorganized than a Quik Trip.

Ever been in a Quik Trip gas station? Everything's at right angles. Everyone's narrowly missing each other. I am shocked that people don't plow into each other and then the pumps every day. But that's just nerve-wracking and not infuriating like people that drive in every direction in a parking lot except the correct ones. Really now, drive in the direction that the arrows and angle of the spaces direct you. Why are we suddenly playing a game of chicken? Oh, because I'm going the right way down this lane, that's why. And I really like when you cut across the lanes when the lot's not, you know, empty so I don't see you until you jump out perpendicularly at 30 mph. This is saving you a few seconds, is that it?

And people, please, don't be a traitor to your own lane and let in that asshole that's passed ahead on the right. Your lack of self-respect and rewarding of cheating is utterly deplorable and I don't want either of you on the road with me.

If you're reading this, and you do pass on the right: Sorrow will come to you in the end.

Ewoks lived in treehouses and people always give them shit. This is wrong.

Alright, one last hail mary. Sarina: if the sweetness of the pie bothers you then my comment still stands. Granny Smiths are very tart and even with all that sugar it is still not a sweet pie. Just me on this. If the cooked fruit really bothers you that much then I am sorry. On the up-side, Chicken Pot Pies are effing delicious.

Jay: Answer to your problems is a motorcycle. especially if you live in Cali.

Completely off-topic: to anyone that saw tonight's BSG I say "what...the...FUCK".
That is all

*Trust* me on this. That is what I meant to say.

And people, please, don't be a traitor to your own lane and let in that asshole that's passed ahead on the right. Your lack of self-respect and rewarding of cheating is utterly deplorable and I don't want either of you on the road with me.

Ugh. Seriously. Particularly if you're letting in someone who is trying to pass all the traffic by jumping ahead in a lane that ends immediately past the traffic light. No, no, no, no, NO, NO.

Naw, my conscience couldn't handle my generating that much public noise, even though it would seem it'd be gettin' more tit than Greased Lightning. Thanks for the advice though.

Good or bad I'm assuming "what...the...FUCK" is pretty intriguing. Missed the show tonight so that's something to look forward to. Hey, I can have a torrent party along with "Planet of the Ood" tomorrow!

Yeah, that's a lonely old night, but ain't they all?

Yay! Pie intervention. We will all meet at the_wakeful's house. Homeade crust. Granny Smith! CINNAMON!!!

Seriously, though, Sarina. I can understand not liking overly sweet things. It's why I don't like milk chocolate, only dark chocolate.

On a slightly unrelated note, try Haagen Daas (sp?) green tea ice cream. It is lovely and not too sweet.

Just read Jeremy's post and I feel very moved. I have to go and dig out my Bible because I didn't realize there was a Psalm of Pies. I feel sanctified.

And I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate the people who let in "that car". You know that person who saw all of the orange cones, blinking signs and construction workers starting two miles back, indicating that the lane would be closed. You know, "Lane closed 1 mile ahead", "Lane Closed 1/2 mile ahead", "Lane Closed 500 feet ahead". Dude! The lane is closed. Get! Over! Don't act like nobody told you.

And if you let him in there is a very special place in hell reserved just for you. Because it is rush hour and I have already reached the outer limits of my patience today and I want to go home. This is why road rage was invented.

I come from a black hole of suck known as Hastings County Ontairo-a loose collection of scattered redneck Canadian towns. A place where pot is considered a cash crop, 13 is an acceptable age to start a family, welfare is the biggest supportor of the economy and 'hunting accidents' are a viable way to get rid of someone. In my years living there I only met one person who I could count as a hero-that person went to school with Avirl Lavingne in Napanee and used to kick the shit out of her for being a snobby, self-centred bitch even before she was famous.

That person remains my hero.

Mmmm, it is said he is dating online now. I saw him on "S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m " last week. Good luck to his search.You can contact him on that site.

I don't have a sweet tooth either and I don't like overly sweet pies, but I'll cut a bitch over my sister's blueberry pie and my brother-in-law (different sister's husband)'s lemon pie. They're quite health conscious so they're not overloaded with sugar. The lemon pie has honey in it. Don't ask me how it works. I don't like to watch when they make them. I like to think it's magic. Like rainbows.

insertclevernamehere,

"Shitcake, Ben. Isn't that your favorite flavor?"

Moronic fucktard, the topic was CUPCAKES, not CAKE. How fucking hard is that to understand? But to answer your 'tard "HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT HOW SNARKY I'M BEING!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T I RULE MORE THEN ANYONE HAS EVER POSSIBLY RULED IN THE HISTORY OR RULING? DON'T I PWN BEN???????!!!!!!!!!!" type of question, no.

In Insert's defense, I think you misunderstand. He didn't say anything about CAKE, he indicated that your favorite flavor of CUPCAKE is SHITCAKE flavor. Got it?

I'll go with Terry Pratchett on this one. The use of more than 5 exclamation marks is a sign of insanity.

Seriously, people: no feeding trolls. The more you feed them, the more they shit on the floor. And it doesn't matter how nice the house is; if it's covered in shit that really brings the property value down, you know?

Sarina, do you not believe in shit as well? :P

Ah man, but it's fun. Like poking a monkey in a cage. It keeps getting angrier but all it can do is throw shit at you.

So, chocolate, then?

Oh my Godtopus, Sarina and the_wakeful, you sound exactly like the two little dudes standing on my shoulders! I just don't know who to listen to, the glowy one with the wings and the harp or the snarky guy in red....

Mo, there is a problem here. In this hallucinatory scenario, I seem to be either an angel or a man. Either way, what we have is a serious case of mistaken identity.

Well, Sarina, you clearly can't be the angel because you don't like pie (which is blasphemy) so you must really be a dude. For shame!

Whoops! Did I say "snarky guy in red"? What I meant to say was, "vixenesque she-Devil distinctly lacking in sweet tooth".

As for the angel, "equally fabulous, and resplendent in white."

Yep, totally what I'm picturing.

However, I didn't expect the angel to be the one encouraging me to poke the monkey...ooh, that sounds vaguely naughty....

Fabulous and resplendent in white? Why do I have to be a gay angel?

Resplendently masculine. Fabulously attracted to the ladyfolk.

Gosh, the_wakeful, read between the lines. I thought that was perfectly obvious!

That's it, I'm hiring new little advice-guys. These two are a couple of complainers. Yeesh.

Teeheehee... No offense MO, but you couldn't have missed the mark anymore on this one if you were shooting in the opposite direction and the mark was in another country ^_^ Oh well, that's the internet for you.

*sigh* I know, Jeremy, I know...I'm on a roll here....Please tell me you really are the 45-year-old blonde housewife with a secret fondness for death metal and topiaries that I've always pictured you as.

Sorry MO, it's hard to read between the lines when all that is there is a bunch of white space.
Also: I happen to know that Jeremy is actually a midget cross-dresser leading a double life of a mattress salesman during the day and a drag queen champion at night.

Jeremy is Monsieur Valentine?!

Hmmm, well...I was briefly disappointed to be proven wrong yet again, the_wakeful, but that's an even more delightful image of Jeremy. ;->

Sorry guys, I'm not quite exciting enough to be 45-year old topiary-loving blonde cross-dressing midget death metal housewife champion by the name of Monsieur Valentine. At least, not since I started taking these pills (Washes down a small handfull of purples, followed by half a bottle of Absolut). Nope, I'm just faggy little 17 year old. Sorry guys!

And if the wakeful's description is a coincidence then my brain just cracked

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hmS7djrOut0

Oh and don't forget tomorrow is Robert Smith's 49th birthday!

Go rough up a Fender VI for a while, it'll feel good.

Props to Jay for recognizing the reference. I didn't think anybody else had seen that music video.

hmm...Till you know the two sides of Monsier Valentine...

And a wise-ass, Jeremy. Don't forget wise-ass. It's part of what we love about you.

Jay, you are a veritable font of obscure trivia. Keep it up!

Although many people like Kanye West's work, I'm not really a fan of that shine's music.

the_wakeful, You claim, "He didn't say anything about CAKE, he indicated that your favorite flavor of CUPCAKE is SHITCAKE flavor. Got it?"

No, I don't "got it," but that's because unlike you I don't speak fluent moron.

You do realize that what you posted makes no sense, logical or otherwise, yes? Where do you get the evidence that douchenozzle was referring to cupcake(s) of any kind? Where in any of his posts referencing me did he refer specifically to cupcakes?

NOWHERE.

Why not do everyone a favor and go back to beating off to your collection of dirty ass-to-mouth pre-teen bukkake porn, m'kay?