Pajiba

Oh John. I bet it was Joan again, trying to get some press. Maybe she has voice immodulation and I won't want to die the next time she opens her mouth to speak.

Yeah, what is the deal with Nicole Kidman? Where is this myster... Oh. My. God. I figured it out...

She's turning into a baby herself. Sweet christ, that's unbelievable! It all makes sense: the receding hairline, the tightening of the skin, the uh... the thing she does with her, uh, eybrows... SERIOUSLY! THE WORLD HAS GONE TOPSY-TURVY PEOPLE! Kidman reverting back into an infant is the next step in human evolution. The ages-old Birth-School-Work-Death equation has been replaced by Birth-School-Work-Old Age-Birth-Again! Wowee wow...

Musta been some Xenu sumptinerother Tom cruise peed into her...

I'm all for evolution of the species, but it kinda makes me feel weird about all those times I touched my weiner thinking about her...

"Musta been some Xenu sumptinerother Tom cruise peed into her..."

...

...

...ew.

Even discounting the urine factor, imagine for a second what sex with Tom Crazypants Cruise would be like. Would there be the insane grinning and maniacal laughter? With all the teeth? Would he spaz out and start jumping on the bed at one point, proceed to lose his erection, then squat down next to you and put his creepo little hobbit hands on your arm as he stares at you in that disturbing way of his and talks about how your Thetan level is ruining the mood for him? And then as soon as your eyes glaze over and you space out in an attempt to salvage the tattered remains of your sanity, would he call you magnificent and start touching you all inappropriately? And then laugh some more? Then he'd probably pause suddenly and stare at you, an inch and a half from your face, and tell you that he can give you the tools you need to succeed. And then start crying.

I say again: ew.

:sobs: Oh, Sarina.

Bad imagination. BAD IMAGINATION!!!

...uh... I'm kinda freaked out Sarina because that's exactly what it was like to make love to Tom Cruise. Exactly.

I just hope he didn't pee no backward-growing Xenu juice on me...

(I'm gonna go find a trashcan to puke in now - I've sucessfully made myself sick)

How funny is it that the guy who left virtually my entire generation of women convinced that we could never be happy or fully in love unless we were stalked relentlessly by a loser is being stalked by a loser woman who belongs (marginally) to my generation?

You know Sarina, I can imagine that sex w/ Tom Cruise would involve a lot of tears. His anyway. Your description seems...eerily accurate.

Seriously, Nicole needs to gain a few (dozen) pounds. It's a baby, for pete's sake. I wonder, can they be born anorexic? Is that Nicole's personal goal?

Okay...you people have sick, sick minds. Especially you, Sarina. Bad. Very bad. You take a time-out, young lady, for inducing horrific nightmares of The Thetaned One's grinning face in everybody around you. That's not funny. Now how am I going to get that face out of my head next time I mastur...have sex...yeah, that's it...bestow some hot, gameboard-lovin on some nubile...

"Cusack accused the woman of throwing a bag of love letters, rocks and screwdrivers over his home's fence" Screwdrivers??? Whatever is the significance of that? I want to screw you becuase you drive me crazy? I have a screw loose can you fix it?

"imagine for a second what sex with Tom Crazypants Cruise would be like"

I imagine he's pretty good in the sack. Those of us lucky enough to have seen his full-frontal in "All The Right Moves" before he had the scene excised know he's no needledick of the wimb film-critic variety.

Of course, this all assumes that Tom Cruise is a sexual being, which he almost certainly is not. I'm pretty sure he's like Troy McClure, minus the fish paraphilia... perhaps.

Okay, why is it that ever woman ever associated with Cruise has some weird pregnancy conspiracy theory? Girlfriend is six months pregnant and her hipbones are still jutting out! Carrying small is one thing, but that's just ridiculous. I really don't think it's a matter of dressing strategically, either.

what sex with Tom Crazypants Cruise

I think that there is lots of maniacal grinning, something about how he is the King or calling him the savior of Scientology, thetan scented candles, some Scientology sacrifice, and of course, the realization that this man is completely insane. After the Scientology sacrifice, then comes the sex. The sex is probably going to consist of maniacal laughter, grinning, and pretty much the rest of Sarina's description. Of course, the post-coitus time will involve auditing with an E-meter, your Scientology and You guidebook, and the signing of your future away to the wackadoos of Scientology.

Tom Cruise can help you. After all, only Scientologists can stop to help after a car accident.

Matt, being hung or not is not all that makes good in the sack. If you don't know how to work what you have, no matter what size, it will still suck.

He looks handsome. I saw him on "SeekingRich.com" last week. Is he single now? Just curious.You can contact him on that
site.

Happy place. Must go to my happy place.
Sarina, I think I may be emotionally scarred from just reading that!