Pajiba

What?! No! No! Not Kamel! I love him! Agh! Why does everyone I have a crush on die?! This is the worst year for hot actors ever. Who's next, Johnny Depp? God. This makes me sad. I loved him on Monk.

The Onion also had a Dr. Seuss themed entry recently.

Heh. I begged the Impulsive Buy guys to review those. Marvo sent back the affirmative in rhyme, too. Best of all, though -- now I don't have to blow five bucks to appease my curiosity about the things. I still might need to check out the green eggs and ham, though...

Now that everyone has stopped giving a shit about whatstheir name who has the fatal disease/cancer thing goin on, I'm still waiting for the apology from whats his face, you know Sir Douche-A-Lot who was spewing all sorts of bullshit about Cheetahs not being able to be domesticated and when called out by me, tried the old bait and switch and started bleating about Paris Hilton. So, this can be done the hard way or the easy way.

Just say that you were completely and utterly wrong and suck me off and all will be forgiven.

Oh dear god, Ben. Grow up.

I don't care if this is feeding the troll.

Go away. No one wants you here. No one.

Ben:

You are invited to come here.

You will get a reception worthy of your wit.

No feeding, Twig! :) Let it starve and choke on its own incoherence.

Yay to Jayne for feelin' me on those Subway $5 footlong commercials. Seriously--it looks like Godzilla is bragging about his wang in that commercial. For serious.

Well said, Julie!

I mean, think about it: At best, Ben has invented an obnoxious, belligerent online personae in a pitiful attempt to be funny. At worst, he's sincere- in which case, he's the kind of person who relies on trolling (incoherent, inarticulate trolling peppered with cliches, at that) to quell his loneliness.

Either way, he doesn't deserve the energy it takes to get mad. I'm pretty certain if we resist his bait long enough, he'll kindly fuck off.

Who's Ben? Don't see any Ben around here.

I'm just excited for some Hedberg. I love that man. "You can eat when you find the Dufresnes!"

Wait...he's still alive? Damnit, Skitt...why aren't you doing your job?

Russell Brand was the funniest part of that video. Has he been in anything else? Off to IMDB to find out!

Those Whocakes look like Willy Wonka fed an Oompa Loompa a bag of Easter candy and then made said O.L. vomit onto a stack of pancakes. The Oompa Loompa then went into a sugar coma and his remains were cubed for the Beezlenut Splash.

Who's up for a change of subject? Raise your hands!

This is not on topic in any way, but I was just looking out my office window (because it's snowing, and when it snows in April you have to stare forlornly out the window - it's, like, a rule) and a goddamn wild turkey came running out of the nearby woodsy-type area and flapped and gobbled its way across the snowy parking lot. One of the guys from the advertising company in the suite next door was loading file boxes into his car, and I'm pretty sure he shat himself, and then he climbed onto the car hood shrieking like a little girl, and he and the turkey proceeded to have a stare down until the turkey got bored and wandered off.

My life is a surrealist carnival.

I'm pretty sure he shat himself, and then he climbed onto the car hood shrieking like a little girl, and he and the turkey proceeded to have a stare down until the turkey got bored and wandered off.

Ha ha ha ha ha! I. Love. It.

SNOW? That sucks Sarina...(rubs it in your face) I'm going to get a drink and sit outside in the beautiful subshine with my girlfriends (/rubs it in your face). :)

Hee...subshine...I wonder what that would be like?

Julie, I think that would be...uhm...darkness...but not the shiny kind, the non-shiny type... hmm...

HAHA, Sarina! Can we exchange lives? Nothing surreal ever happens to me. Unless you count my lunch today at work which was spent discussing the merits of masturbation and diverse vibrating tools. Seriously, for the whole lunch hour. With 2 guys. I need new friends.

Joker, that sounds like a pretty fulfilling day to me!

I agree. You need to come over here...I need some female friends to talk about masturbation and sex toys with. I mean more.

Why are those ads banned? I mean, except for the cK one, which is old news. The Lynx ad used to play in Canada all the time. But I mean... the one with Jennifer Love Hewitt just walking around in jeans? Are people upset by the fact that she has an ass? I don't understand.

Yes well, for some reason no matter where I go, I always end up having strange conversations. Like a 15 minute debate on the best way to eat a banana (NOT dirty! Geez people...seriously, focus!). I don't know Shadows, do you live in a country where drugs and prostitution are legal? I don't want to move away from this little piece of paradise. Although I need people to watch porn with. It's boring alone.

Sarina, girl. Seriously. That was HYSTERICAL. For some reason I have a visual image of the turkey wearing a pilgrim hat. I don't know why.

Is watching porn really a group sport? Oh, forget it. Look who I'm asking.

Nicole, darling, you need to keep up more. Is Scrabble a sex game? Indeed. Is taco dip something too dirty to mention? Yep. Will I ever be able tothink of them as completely harmless game/sauce-thingie? Not likely. Are turkeys in pilgrim hats funny? Yes. Yes, they are.

I almost went to a Mitch Hedberg concert in 2004 but changed my mind. I am an idiot.

Also, there is no way I'm skimping on my booze. There are other areas I can economize in, like food, clothing, heat, and mortgage.

Jennifer Love Hewitt just walking around in jeans? Are people upset by the fact that she has an ass?

Where have you been? Not reading enough celebrity reporting, I'd say!

Yes, in fact, they are. Quite upset and vocal.

"For some reason I have a visual image of the turkey wearing a pilgrim hat."

If it had been, I'm pretty sure Mr. Advertising would've puked up his own spleen in panicked terror. And it would've been awesome.

Sarina: Your turkey story is hilarious. But snow? In April? It's 85F here (Florida) and I'm dying of sweatstroke. I dread summer.

Now, now, Prince told us all about this in 1986, BWeaves.

I have many memories of air conditioned Thanksgiving in Broward, so I'm hearin ya there.

(is it a Vista thing where "remember me?" never works? Works fine at work on XP, but I clear the cache a lot, of course.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt walking around in jeans upsets people? What kind of people? Wouldn't you think her not walking around in jeans would upset people?

joker, no...no I do not live in such a mystical, magical place...but I've heard of them. I've always dreamed of such wonderful places, in my nookiest and cranniest of the nooks and crannies of my mind. Next you'll tell me there's no sunlight there...and I'll just explode.

Explode.

Sarina, I may never look at a turkey the same way again. Obviously you don't live anywhere near TK...I hear he's been hunting them down recently...

So I looked over those banned ads....I've seen a show that showcases banned ads...and they are hilarious. Some people are just too uptight...I mean seriously...the kid doing all that stuff cuz Mommy said he could? That was great!

Oh, and speaking of living in Florida . . . We just passed a law today that you can bring your guns to work. WHOO-HOO! I'm so glad I work from home now.

Dangle,
The jello would have to be orange and green if the Beezlenut Splash were made from cubed oompa Loompa. And drinking it would have to make you break into cautionary song.

And orange and green are my favorite colors! (yes, I get to have both) It's the only reason I've figured out why the universe made me pop out in Miami, otherwise it's a complete cosmic joke.

So, someone get on making that dessert happen! Put some rum or something in it too. Thanks!

Show coworkers you like to do Oompa Loompa song-and-dances ONCE...and they'll just start insisting that you do it for everyone else in the building. Yeesh!

Oh and concerning Russell Brand, this was the first place I'd seen him, alongside Noel Fielding on the Big Fat Quiz
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kW8Z1whPtuk

"Show coworkers you like to do Oompa Loompa song-and-dances ONCE...and they'll just start insisting that you do it for everyone else in the building. Yeesh!"

Umm...can you do this on video, please? Because between that and the turkey, it would pretty much be the best day of my life.

Show coworkers you like to do Oompa Loompa song-and-dances ONCE...and they'll just start insisting that you do it for everyone else in the building.

Umm...yeah...I'm gonna need video proof of this as well. Because it'd get tedious having you go all over the place, showing the pajibaverse in person the dance...youtube would work just as well.

Sadly(?) I have no video capabilities. As far as I know there exists one still picture still hanging at my last branch where I was in the middle of my "you'll get no, You'll get no, You'll Get no, You'll Get No, YOU'LL GET NOOOOOOO" twirling. So, you'll just have to imagine me at a 3/4 profile with arms up at right angles.

If there was turkey video I'd probably follow that old school motto of "I'll find a way or make one". But I might need some gin or ale first before committing.

That video has me recalling my own worst breakups. Sarina, bless her heart, wrote me the most lovely "piss off" greeting card for my ex. I'll have to go back and find it.

YouTube! YouTube! (I'm like the Norma Rae of Pajiba.)

TK hates turkeys. They are his sworn enemies.

And regarding J.Lo.Hew, I know people would be upset if I walked around without jeans. They'd avert their eyes. I'm not built like I was four years ago, you know. Age is a woman's enemy. (I'm no beast; just a victim of gravity. And 30 is coming at me with a quickness.) Hew, on the other hand, is gorgeous. I'd kill for her dinners.

I like the way you think, Jay -- but I maintain that rum is just too pirate-y for an Oompa Loompa inspired drink. As much as I dread saying this, I think it may have to be some sort of schnaps...

Aye, 'tis true Nicole. Ne'er a turkey has crossed me path that I haven't drawn steel against. Soulless bastards they be, worthy of naught but killin'.

Turkeys also make me into a pirate. Drink up, me hearties yo ho!

Dar!

Uh, spoiler alert: Jesus still eats it.

Spoiler Alert: Yes, he knows what you have been doing in the dark, and yes, you will burn for it.

Better Spoiler Alert: He saw it, and it was good.

Best spoiler alert: They left off the "-topus", so now it just doesn't make any damn sense.

If full frontal buys you integrity, then where's Traci Lord's oscar, huh??

I have a few guesses, but I haveenough filth running around up there (sidebar: who thinks she is hotter with red hair i.e. First Wave? Seriously).

Jennifer Love Hewitt walking around in jeans upsets people? What kind of people? Wouldn't you think her not walking around in jeans would upset people?

Dammit, he beat me to it. Still, unlike some philistines on the internets, I like that her lower half is balancing out her top. She doesn't look like she is going to fall over constantly. I like some symmetry in my ogling.

P.S. Turkeys are proof that not only can humans eat meat, but we are destined to. Especially a week or so later in a massive leftover sandwich.

Jerce, Very interesting that you just whipped out that link. I bet you were the one whole came up with that vile poster about the Jews on that website, didn't you?

You are filth.

Yes, but if we don't get more dedicated Turkey Slayers like TK equipped and ready to take down their insidious nests and diabolical masters, they will overrun us and strand us on the tops of our cars as well.

Listen, despite the fact that they're apparently running rampant right outside my office, turkeys don't bother me nearly so much as chickens. I goddamn HATE chickens.

Except for eating, cuz yum.

But just for, like, running around? No. They're ugly, smelly, stupid and mean. And roosters? Oh hell no. As children, my brother and I dreaded when my grandparents told us to go fetch eggs. WHY DO YOU WISH US TO COURT DANGER, GRANDPA? WE THOUGHT YOU LOVED US! My grandma, on the other hand, clearly hated us and wanted us to suffer and die. She fed us lutefisk once. On purpose. I mean, she was from North Dakota so there were obviously things wrong with her, but still. There is no excuse for lutefisk. It's all gelatinous and rotten tasting and stinky and jiggly and kind of translucent and super freaky and sick and wrong, and all those old bitches are always, "Oh, it's good with LOTS of butter." LIES.

...the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Chickens. HATE.

That may have been the funniest ranting tangent I've ever seen you go on, Sarina...which is a special distinction, considering all the other funny ranting tangents you typically go on.

Let's just face it...birds suck. I had a cockatiel once...meanest thing in the world. I'd take a Chow/pit bull mix over another one of those. I almost had to get stitches one time when it decided it didn't like my finger holding it up.

Seriously...we need to kill birds. Hitchcock got it right. They're plotting our downfall. I can hear them at night...mocking me with their ability to fly and their "look at me, I'm pretty, come fuck me" calls...flying WHORES...

I can hear them at night...mocking me with their ability to fly and their "look at me, I'm pretty, come fuck me" calls...flying WHORES...

This is why we can't have any hot lesbian subtext between us, Shadows.

"...and suck me off and all will be forgiven.
Posted by: Ben at April 10, 2008 4:40 PM"

Picture please! At least give us your dimensions, you naughty lad. Oh and btw, fuck you for trashing Miss Pink.

Hollywood hopefuls of 1999: whoa, I bet those VF covers come back to haunt people! Ribisi was great for awhile until he lost cred joining Cruise's cult. Newton's too good to waste her time on mainstream swill like Crash. Reese so far only has about five films total to her credit that are worth watching, culminating in Walk The Line, which she has yet managed to approach, much less match. Brody was fantastic in The Jacket and Hollywoodland -- he should be a bigger star than he is now. Epps is the voice of reason on House so maybe he'll topline in films again some day.

Sarina, I feel your pain. It's usually about 110 here by May and today? Snow. Goddamn it.

And turkeys? I'm right with ya, TK. When I was five, this evil (imagine Dr. Loomis from Halloween saying eeeeeeevil) turkey spots me minding my own business, swinging on the swing set and fucking CHARGES ME. A five year old. It had the blackest eyes, the devils' eyes. Anyway. Knocks me off the swing and I manages to climb to the top of the slide and scream for help. For a half hour. Because, apparently the grown ups inside thought it was funny to see me terrified. (Yes, I remember Grandma. How's Shady Pines?)

And that's why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

The End.

Oh my GOD...all this talk of evil rampaging birdies makes me want to tell the story of the possessed crow in my apartment a year and a half ago. I totally do not feel like rewording it, so I've copied it from my former blog :p

Ahem...The Tale of Julie and the Bitch Bird From HELL:

Sometimes all a girl wants to do is wake up, get a shower, get dressed, and have an uneventfull day at work. Sometimes a giant-assed monkey wrench gets thrown into the mix. Sometimes that giant-assed monkey wrench is in the shape of a giant-assed bird. That's right. I walked into the bathroom to take a shower yesterday morning, expecting the sweet smell of Febreeze Mist n' Meadows Air Freshener to gently greet me. But on this morning I was instead greeted by the frantic flapping of a very pissed off birdie. I ran screaming from the bathroom, the crow in hot pursuit and begging for a taste of my eyeballs. After locking myself in my bedroom, I found myself contemplating how I would remove the intruder from the apartment, all the while listening to the destruction occuring in my living room. Many challenges faced me while hatching a plan:

1. I have high ceilings.
2. I don't own a crab net.
3. Or a tranquilizer gun.
4. God DAMN that bird is pissed off.
5. I like my eyes. I want to keep them.

I summoned up as much courage as I could, and ran into the living room, swinging a towel over my head. After about 30 minutes of bird wrangling, I coaxed it back into the bathroom and closed the door. Then it hit me. I didn't open the bathroom window before forcing the bird in there, and now I have to meet the beast face to face in order to get it back outside.

I opened the door just a crack to make sure the bird wasn't using up all of my face cream-as soon as it saw my reflection in the mirror, chaos would ensue. Flapping. Squawking. Flying into the mirror head first. I decided that if I ever wished to shower again, I would have to confront my fear of being pecked to death and open the window. I opened the bathroom door, locked it behind me, and the bird went fucking nuts. I dropped to the floor and wrapped my roommate's bath towel around my head, and began to crawl on the floor to the window. I couldn't see the bird, but he could sure as hell see me-he flew INTO MY TOWEL-COVERED HEAD. I finally reached the window, opened the blind and the screen, and the bird took off into the sky, no doubt on its way to the local birdie bar where he would brag about terrorizing the screaming girl from Manayunk.

The End.

Did anyone read the comments om the P.A.Notes site? I thought some of the commentors were Pajibans under aliases, especially when they were discussing fellating the water spigot.

Uh, spoiler alert: Jesus still eats it.

You obviously didn't read the end.

But I wonder how many people answered that survey honestly. A bunch of the folks I've preached to don't seem to have read it very well either.

Could be, Brett. It tends to be the most frequently stolen book.

Gotta love irony, I guess.

You think turkeys are bad? Ha! Try living with about 40 fucking PEACOCKS. Shreiking, shittng, pecking, peacocks. And this time of year, HORNY peacocks. People say, "Oh, how pretty..." Bite me. At least while the stupid males are doing their ridiculous fan dance for the hens it is possible to sneak up behind them and kick them right in the feathery ass. Good times. They live at the stables I train horses at. I have had them fly up into the face of a horse I was riding, run under the feet of the horse I was riding (today actually), land on me while riding, SHIT on me while riding,... you get the picture. I have trained my little dog to keep all peacocks in my presence off of the ground. I love it when he comes trotting back to me with a few feathers hanging out of his mouth. They are bigger than he is, so no danger to them (more's the pity).
Oh and did I mention the NOISE?! Like 40 car alarms going off. At every little noise. At night.
Fucking Peacocks.
Anyone here been SHIT on by a turkey? Huh? Didn't think so.
OK, I'm done.
I love this site.

This explains a lot about the Malfoy family.

Turkeys. Wild turkeys. You know, right, that at dusk they simultaneously sort of flap their...uh...wings and ascend in a strangely inept galumph into the trees above them to roost? Damnedest thing I ever saw. And they make me sneeze like an allergic toddler snuggling a puppy dog. Stupid creatures, turkeys, but they have a nice little cry. And, oh, my, tasty as the devil, especially with a nice little butter bath and tucked inside with a tidy handful of herbalicious greens. Mmmmm....turkey. With gravy.

P.S. See ya, Katie Couric. Don't let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Yuck... those poor pancakes look like they just starred in some sort of clown-bukkake video.

FINALLY people who share my distaste for large and terrifying birds. I feel like I've come home. Because, seriously there's something not right with feathery flying things. Unless they are very, very small. Like wrens. Wrens are OK. The second they get bigger than a starling I start freaking out. And this is the entirety of the reason I can't watch The Birds, or ever got to Reading Festival again.

Have I ever told you about the geese?

Oh, Lord the geese.

I'll be in a corner slowly rocking the pain away.

ps. Julie: ressurect your damned blog. That's an order.

Oh, Lord the geese.

Geese are evil.

Awwww, but the little baby gooses are SO CUTE!!

Sorry, I don't give a shit about birds either way*, but baby birds are freaking adorable. Maybe I'm just a sucker for all baby animals. Maybe I'm just a sucker, period.

*excepting turkeys, who should be exterminated. And get off my goddamn lawn you beasts!

I went back to live with my parents for 8 months after university. They had moved out of my childhood home and into my childhood cottage. Not much of a difference, just a decided decline in neighbours/civilization (they live in the middle of BFN). I drove a pickup truck. I had some VERY hick neighbours (trust me, this story is going somewhere).

Every morning, on my way to work, I would have to stop in the middle of the road while the hick neighbour's goose tried to attack my truck. Every morning for months. No one would believe me about the crazy attack goose attacking my bumper every morning, but it happened just like clockwork. For some reason, I never considered just driving over the goose.

The attacks stopped after Thanksgiving.

Geese are evil.

No shit, twig. I got chased by a gaggle of guard geese when I was about five. They were hissing, running after me with wings spread and oh, did I mention fucking bigger than I was? Scarred me for life.

You would have liked Simon the random duckling that adopted us last year, TK. He decided to follow us everywhere including into our appartment building. That thing was the most demanding bird on Earth. He liked watching TV though. And terrorising Gerald the hamster.

Alex, I admit that I, a grown man, just had a little heart hiccup and did an audible "aw!" at that story.

I used to have ducks and chickens as a wee TK, and the duckling and chick part was always the bestest.

What the hell is going on with me recently? I feel so... un-murderousy. Do I have a fever? I feel weird.

Hey TK: I've just heard that Michael Bay and Uwe Boll have set aside their differences in order to re make The Appartment, written by Paul Haggis - it's going to be a high octane thriller starring Eddie Murphy (in humourous fatsuit) and Paris Hilton in the lead roles with wacky support from Dane Cook.

Anything? Even a twinge?

I henceforth refuse to acknowledge your presence until you get rid of this "heart" you're toting around and murder someone. Preferably violently. Only then will I see that you're the real TK and not a filthy impostor.

Let's just face it...birds suck. I had a cockatiel once...meanest thing in the world. I'd take a Chow/pit bull mix over another one of those. I almost had to get stitches one time when it decided it didn't like my finger holding it up.

Cockatiels are satan himself. My mom has one of those filthy bastards as a pet. My mom used to let it out to fly around. I was 16 and walking through the house with my hair down. I had kinda longish hair then too. The stupid bird landed on my shoulder and proceeded to chew through the top part of my ear. Through my ear. It was like a piercing, except worse. So I start screaming and flailing around trying to get the damned bird off my shoulder. It then goes and get tangled up in my hair and starts pecking my head and neck. My mom rescues to stupid bird first and then decides that I may need bandages, while laughing, of course. I am profusely bleeding and severely pissed. My ear still has a beautiful scar from that damned bird. Needless to say, the bird is still alive but isn't allowed to go flying very often.

I hate birds. Unless they are outside in my yard, then they are okay.

Florida = Satan's playground.

Seriously, what is in the drinking water there?

I've just heard that Michael Bay and Uwe Boll have set aside their differences in order to re make The Appartment, written by Paul Haggis - it's going to be a high octane thriller starring Eddie Murphy (in humourous fatsuit) and Paris Hilton in the lead roles with wacky support from Dane Cook.

*snap!*

*shudder*

*eye twitch*

Ahhhhhhh... muuuuuuch betterrrrrr...

Someone's getting their motherfuckin' brain eaten today.

You're welcome, sweetness. Now run along. You've got some murderin to do.

Alright, TK, we'll do this Night Of The Hunter/Mercy Seat style.

On this hand:

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/henry/stories/2008/04/10/zebra_0411.html

On its evil brother:

http://radaronline.com/features/2008/04/worst_people_on_the_internet_lori_drew_julia_allison_rachel.php

Now you're set

Melody: "Florida = Satan's playground.

Seriously, what is in the drinking water there? "

Sulfur. Seriously!

Explains a lot, actually.

Oh CHRIST I'd forgotten how the sprinklers smelled!

Then your parents would buy that Rust-o-matic or whatever it was giant filter barrel from Sears hooked up to the water so it'd stop turning your house brown, then give up on maintaining the chemicals and you'd just have this freaky cistern full of green rainwater and such.

I'll admit to the lonely part. Sorry for trolling, but sometimes I just get in a mood. I said some pretty shit stuff up there, and for that I am truly sorry, especially for any o ffence the sick girl may have taking.

Maybe the fact that I also have big fears of big birds makes me feel closer to you guys.

Dude, did you eat a lot of lead paint chips as a child? Perhaps you knew it as "wall candy"?

No feeding trolls, PaleoLithchick. All he's trying to do is get a rise out of you.

Julie, if you have a blog I demand to see it. I just laughed my head off about your crow story. My favourite bit is when he flies into your be-toweled head and tries to peck you to death. I feel there was something missing though...perhaps a little blood, a bitten off finger, that sort of thing...it brings colour to the story. Red.

AH TK is back. Thanks for the service, Alex, quite frankly I was afraid I was going to have to fly over to the U.S. and make him watch every single Eddie Murphy fat-suit film while listening to The-Blonde-on-The-Hills-whose-name-I-can't-be-arsed-to-recall's latest album.

No chance of that happening, the dude's too reatrded, and trying WAY too hard. I'm just curious. What do trolls eat when not snacking on the tasty internet outrage that they try to inspire, anyway?

I posit that the diet is lead-based in nature, to keep their little trolly neurons firing trollishly. But were they trolls first, or innocent paste eaters lead astray by the lure of peeling walls and turned trollish? Or am I was off base, and do trolls actually eat bowls of Trollios to keep their strength up during the lean times?

These are important questions.

If Benny-boy really wanted to show off his shock-and-awe-fu, he knows where to go.

Never happen.

I can't believe I misspelled "retarded"

Hehe...definition of irony

Cockatiels are satan himself. My mom has one of those filthy bastards as a pet.

My mom does, too. I think it's probably going to outlive her, and if so, well, that bird will soon roam free as it was meant to do.