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November 3, 2008 | Comments ()


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The Great State of Vermont Will Not Apologize for Its Cheese!

The Weekly Box-Office Round-Up / Marra Alane Wilcox

PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 | Comments ()


14. RocknRolla ($1.75 million; $2.4 million): This weekend, we finally saw the wide release of Guy Ritchie’s RocknRolla. This weekend, more people saw Fireproof than RocknRolla. This weekend, more people saw Beverly Hills Chihuahua than RocknRolla. What the fuck, America. What. The. Fuck.

5. The Haunting of Molly Hartley ($6 million): As usual, Ranylt’s review is far more engaging and complex than the movie even tried to be. Also, if I were a studio head, I think I would get together with my studio-head buddies and take bets on which of us could produce the least scary, least entertaining, most nonsensical horror movie. Whoever wins would get to release it on Halloween, because teenagers are stupid and will see any piece of shit billed as horror released on October 31st.

4. Changeling ($9.4 million; $10.1 million): What’s that you say? Changeling has a good director, solid performances and an interesting storyline? Well, fuck you. I’d rather see a closeted man-boy sing love songs about graduating high school to a girl whose tits I saw on the internet.

3. Saw V ($10.1 million; $45.8 million): Last night my friends and I were watching Thank You For Smoking, and we played ‘Who would you go gay for?’ with the cast. My guy friends decided they would rather have sex with Aaron Eckhart as opposed to Rob Lowe, and my girl friends decided they would rather have sex with Maria Bello than Katie Holmes. This prompted us to discuss the merits of replacing Katie Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight. I thought the move was spot on, because while not necessarily as attractive as Katie, Maggie is a much better actress and was better suited for the role. One of my friends thought Katie would have been great in the role, except her crazy husband wouldn’t let her, while still others thought it would have been worth sitting through Holmes’ acting if it meant we could see her get blown the fuck up. My point is, I would rather relate my drunken conversations about the merits of some chick from ‘Dawson’s Creek’ than waste a single brain cell on the Saw movie franchise.

2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno ($10.7 million): Despite the box-office draw of Seth ‘Tub of Fun’ Rogen and Dustin’s desperate plea for Pajibans to get their asses into the theaters, Zack and Miri didn’t quite break $11 million, putting it right between Clerks II and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in terms of Kevin Smith’s opening weekends. Which is sad, because I think we all had high hopes that this would finally be the flick that mainstreamed Kevin Smith. Oh well, fuck ‘em. Maybe the eighty bajillion twatwaffles who went to see the horror show that is our number one slot aren’t really people we should worry about impressing.

1. High School Musical 3: Beyond Thunderdome ($15 million; $61.8 million): To the children who saw this movie: Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault you find Zac Efron irresistible, you don’t know any better. To the parents who brought their children to this movie: I sort of blame you, but I understand that it’s hard to protect your children from all of the evils of this world. To my brother and his jocktastic Lacrosse buddies, who saw this over the weekend: This is how you repay me after all I have done for you? I bought beer for you guys. I protected you all from the cops after that party across the street got raided and you all ran to my house and hid in my basement. I picked you up from football practice and helped you with your homework when your failing grades in pre-calc were going to get you kicked off the team. And you choose to see HSM over a Kevin Smith movie? Have I taught you nothing? Well learn this, fuckers: You’re dead to me. Dead. I know where you live, so I hope it was worth it, because by Godtopus I’m going to kill you all.

Marra Alane Wilcox is a senior at a major university in southern Florida, where she is double majoring in Political Science and Criminology. She unfortunately realized too late that these areas of study have little to do with her future career plans. She blogs at Marra Alane. Sometimes.



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