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November 3, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

jamiepants: YEAH!!

lizzieborden: woohoo!

Sarina: Suh-weet, group talky does happen.

lizzieborden: lol, i’m watching fuckin’ Scream Queen on vh1….

Sarina: I have no idea what that means.

lizzieborden: it’s a crap reality show about becoming the “star” of Saw 27 or so.

Sarina: Do they kill the people who don’t win?

lizzieborden: no, but that would be so awesome.

Sarina: If the losers don’t perish in gory and outrageous fashion, then I have no interest.

jamiepants: I have a case of vodka and 5 cases of beers. you know, if you guys wanna prepare.

Sarina: I am wearing sweatpants, an orange t-shirt that says “You weren’t that good, I totally faked it,” there’s a cat on my lap, and I have a bucket of Red Vines. I think that *kinda* constitutes as prepared.

lizzieborden: i have on fuzzy slippers!

Sarina: Oh shit, it’s starting.

Genny (also Rusty): I just apologized to my mom and cat for what I’m subjecting them to

jamiepants: OH IT’S ON!!!!

Genny (also Rusty): Natasha Beddingfield would like us to know that we should release our inhibitions and feel the rain on our skin

Sarina: Jesus Christ I can’t handle Audrina Patridge’s teeth. They’re at least six sizes too big for her head.

lizzieborden: she looks like a horse

Genny (also Rusty): I can’t handle the fact that these wastes of space have their own private jet

Sarina: I don’t know who any of these boys are. The only one I recognize is fucking Spencer.

lizzieborden: I don’t know who ANY of these people are

jamiepants: Frankie just sits around not getting laid.

Sarina: Which one is Frankie?

lizzieborden: I would like to submit that I want to punch Heidi in her ovaries

Sarina: So Audrina is or was fucking the Justin one?

Genny (also Rusty): kind of both

jamiepants: OKAY ha, at the end of last episode, Audrina was all naked in the pool with him and now she’s all “I am NOT staying in the same room as him.”


lizzieborden: I’m confused

Sarina: Are you seeing this hat business?

Genny (also Rusty): they’re all prematurely balding, that’s the only explanation I can think of as to why you’d wear a damn HAT in the POOL

Sarina: Fix your hat, indistinguishable douchetool!

jamiepants: backwards. and sunglasses. in the pool. AWESOME.

Sarina: Why does the backwards hat have the bill curled upwards?

Sarina: Did red-hat lizard-tongue dude just say all girls are shady?

lizzieborden: each pair of those sunglasses cost more than I make in two weeks. Just, yanno, wanted to point that out.
Genny (also Rusty): well, I’m betting all the girls he knows are shady since he’s a useless gleet-sucker

Sarina: Wait, is this still in Cabo?

Sarina: Where are we now?

Genny (also Rusty): this is LA

Sarina: That’s Heidi, but who’s the other one?

lizzieborden: spencer’s sister, the tv told me

jamiepants: and she is SHADY. like all girls, apparently.

Sarina: The one he hates?

Sarina: Who hates him?


Genny (also Rusty): Spencer hates everyone

lizzieborden: and everyone hates Spencer

jamiepants: doooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuche.

Sarina: Why are they so orange?

lizzieborden: why does she talk through her nose?!

Sarina: Seriously, they make Oompa Loompas look albino.

jamiepants: KATE NASH!

Genny (also Rusty): I want to smack my 15-year-old self

lizzieborden: they DON’T DESERVE CABO!

Genny (also Rusty): Justin Bobby’s hair is like an oil slick. And he’s got jughead ears

jamiepants: i love that they have food in their hands….as if they eat.

Sarina: So it’s just Lauren and Audrina and a bunch of toolsheds in Mexico?

lizzieborden: is he high?

Sarina: Which one is Justin Bobby? The one Audrina’s talking to?

Genny (also Rusty): yes

Sarina: He looks like the special needs cousin of Brandon Davis.

Sarina: Is it someone’s birthday?

Genny (also Rusty): Brody’s

Sarina: He’s that Jenner thing, right?

Genny (also Rusty): he’s the one with the 70’s wave do

Sarina: Wait, who are the rest of these whores?

Genny (also Rusty): whores

jamiepants: dirty dirty whores

lizzieborden: every college skank they could find in cabo, apparently

Sarina: I still have no idea what’s going on.

Genny (also Rusty): it’s ok, the people on the show don’t either

jamiepants: apparently they’re keeping their clothes on.

Sarina: I’ve seen gypsies with smaller hoop earrings than Audrina’s.

lizzieborden: I kinda want to take her aside and tell her the dude can’t pull her if she doesn’t want to be pulled

Sarina: This is the most boring goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.

Genny (also Rusty): if The Hills had no music budget, the show would be 75% people staring at each other blankly and 20% “like… you know” s

lizzieborden: I think I’m going to start cutting myself during the commercial

jamiepants: why wait till commercial when there’s so much good stuff to cut yourself to during the show??

Genny (also Rusty): time for tequila in honor of them being in Mexico. OH! And I have queso fresco! Olé, bitches!

jamiepants: I gots no tequila, but I been drinking corona for the past 4 hours, woooooooooooohoooooooooo!

lizzieborden: man, I didn’t drink anything

jamiepants: yeah, that’s your problem!

lizzieborden: seriously, Justin is higher than a kite, right?

Sarina: This group is wielding some powerful collective fug.

jamiepants: AAAAH. Who does that? Fucking chicken-fighting in the pool after you’re 12? It’s just so these dirty sluts can show of their store-bought bikini bods.

Genny (also Rusty): mmm, tequila sunrise

lizzieborden: and Audrina’s ‘tude is totally ruining the night, guys. like, seriously!

Sarina: So… ugly boys romping in a pool with anonymous whores, and Lauren and Audrina standing around looking stupidly and boringly disapproving.

Genny (also Rusty): not that I like her too much, but Heidi is way too pretty and nice for Spencer

lizzieborden: No, not at all.

Sarina: I can’t handle Spencer’s face.

lizzieborden: god he’s a tool

Sarina: Who’s the other guy?

jamiepants: when the quote/unquote star is bored, doesn’t/shouldn’t the show, just end there?

Sarina: Is that the sister’s boyfriend?

Genny (also Rusty): Stephanie’s boyfriend

Sarina: Okay.

jamiepants: haha I’m DRUNK

Sarina: The sister’s kinda ugly.

Genny (also Rusty): well, Spencer’s kinda ugly

jamiepants: so’s your face!

Genny (also Rusty): runs in the family

Sarina: Yeah, they look alike, actually.

Genny (also Rusty): dude! Heidi kicked her sister out! For Spencer

jamiepants: yeah it was so not cool.

lizzieborden: wow, she chose her douchey boyfriend over her own family?

Genny (also Rusty): that sucks for Heidi

Sarina: Heidi has a sister?

Genny (also Rusty): yeah, Holly

Sarina: I assumed she spawned fully formed in the mouth of hell.

jamiepants: HAHAHA! This is the most ridiculous scripted shit I’ve ever heard.

lizzieborden: my god, someone please wipe that smugass look off his face!

jamiepants: just the fact that I’m talking to you guys while watching this makes me totally realize that I hate myself for watching this shit.

Genny (also Rusty): I kind of want to give Heidi a hug and de-program her

Sarina: I don’t think she’s programmed so much as just… a plastic husk of a person.

lizzieborden: or a desperate fame-whore

Genny (also Rusty): who only finds self-realization through the influence of others

jamiepants: and should probably be beat over the head with her fake chin

Genny (also Rusty): I’m aware

Sarina: So, the music is telling me I should be touched by the dramatic tale of suffering, estranged lovers. And yet my eyeballs are telling me that the day these fuckers kill themselves will be the best day of my life.

lizzieborden: I can’t see anymore, my eyes are bleeding too hard

jamiepants: and don’t be knocking Brandi Carlisle, Sarina.

Sarina: I just said it didn’t fit the scene of asstardedness on display.

Genny (also Rusty): my mom has headphones on now. Clearly, she’s got the right idea

Genny (also Rusty): only 10 minutes left!

Genny (also Rusty): thank the blessed infant Jesus

Sarina: So Spencer and his sister are throwing down on the sidewalk?

jamiepants: I think I missed the whole dinner scene with the dinner

lizzieborden: I’m seeing red

Genny (also Rusty): I know, right?

Sarina: I have no idea what’s going on, but I do know that Spencer just said that his sister should be appreciative because he talks to her.

lizzieborden: and he’s talking about LOYALTY when he made his girlfriend kick out her SISTER?!

Genny (also Rusty): “loyal to your family” LIKE HOW YOU MADE YOUR GIRLFRIEND KICK HER SISTER OUT?!?

Genny (also Rusty): HATE

Sarina: If he talked to me, I’d drink a gallon of ammonia.

jamiepants: yeah, that’s pretty much every conversation they ever have. He’s mean, she takes it, and comes back for more.

greyjamie: she’s just as much of an asshat as he is.

lizzieborden: I think I’d like to give him a drain-cleaner cocktail

Genny (also Rusty): my mom: “they’re in this beautiful place and all they’re doing is… oh my god…”


lizzieborden: EXACTLY

Sarina: Why does Audrina have that dumbass flower shoved in her weave?

Sarina: It looks like she has a neon yellow cauliflower ear.

lizzieborden: I love how they all only know four people, and they’ve all dated each other

Genny (also Rusty): there have to be more available men in LA

jamiepants: yes, but they’re not under contract.

Genny (also Rusty): ok, there have to be more available men in LA who will whore themselves out to be on TV

jamiepants: no, it’s not a tv show. it’s REAL LIFE.

lizzieborden: oh it’s over

lizzieborden: THANK GODTOPUSSY

Genny (also Rusty): that went surprisingly quickly

Sarina: At least 80% of what we just watched consisted of mentally deficient, greasy orange people staring at each other.

jamiepants: we are NOT doing the aftershow.

Sarina: This show has HOSTS?

Sarina: What the hell is THIS?

Genny (also Rusty): “that was a whole lot of nothing” my mother, again

Sarina: Your mother sounds like she’d be fun to hang out with, Genny.

jamiepants: yeah, we shoulda had your mom chatting.

Genny (also Rusty): she would’ve gotten scared at having to install something new

Genny (also Rusty): and spent half the chat asking what button she was supposed to be pushing. I love her, but she’s seriously afraid of the computers

jamiepants: I could show her what button to push. If you know what I mean…

"The Hills" Live-Chat / The Pajibettes

PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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