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November 3, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

Most Pajiba guides about people are really about how badly we want to make dirty things to them. Seeing we’re in Paheeba day, the Pajibettes have decided to honor those women who for some reason make us proud of owning heavenly folds and chichis. We don’t wanna fuck them. Well, maybe some of them. It’s really a list of women who have left a mark on us and have made our lives a little brighter and awarded them with the Pink DildOscar®. I don’t have the time or enough space to tell you what an incredible honor this is. It’s a big fucking deal, but you probably need a vagina to understand the awesomeness in its entirety. You’re more than welcome to leave your own suggestions (and vaginas) in the comment section.

dildoscar%20-%20lisa-simpson.jpgLisa Simpson: It’s hard to imagine a more deserving DildOscar nominee than Lisa Simpson. In her scant eight years, she has done more for womankind than most of us could ever dream of accomplishing. Granted, she’s been eight years old for nigh unto twenty years now, but even so—how many of you have mastered a musical instrument, hobnobbed with some of the greatest minds of our time (Stephen Hawking and Stephen Jay Gould among them), literally broken a boy’s heart, had a pet pony (twice, no less), and rocked a string of pearls as thoroughly as this girl?

She’s intelligent and wise beyond her years, and most importantly, she stands up for her beliefs. A staunch environmentalist, lil’ Lisa once single-handedly brought down a company that was using her image to sell products that used wasteful production methods. A champion of animal rights, she has maintained a vegetarian lifestyle for years in spite of the rampant carnivory of those around her. Never one to blindly accept authority, Lisa has rocked the world around her more than once by bringing to light scandals both political and historical. Oh yes, one can only imagine what a girl like this will do if she continues to display such massive ovaries as a grown-up (which, in Simpsons time, should only take, oh…a couple hundred years or so). Meaux

dildoscar%20-%20anjelicahuston.jpgGodtopussy Lifetime Achievement Award: Anjelica Huston: Anyone who can make Medium a tolerable television show deserves a pink plastic dildo Oscar, but why does Anjelica Huston deserve a lifetime achievement award? Partly because she’s a gorgeous actress in her fifties who actually looks like she’s in her fifties, and the fact that she hasn’t fucked up her face beyond all humanoid recognition is in and of itself cause for celebration. Her face is iconic; when asked about her ‘non-traditional’ beauty, which unfortunately tends to be a code-word for pretty-in-an-ugly way, she said, “There were times when I hated my looks. But you grow up and you start to recognize that maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that you weren’t born a Barbie.” Couple that kick-ass attitude with a career spanning close to four decades — from a short appearance in This is Spinal Tap to a Academy Award-nominated roles in The Grifters and Prizzi’s Honor opposite Jack Nicholson* to the sexy goth-milf Morticia in The Addams Family to brilliant turns in The Royal Tennanbaums and The Darjeeling Limited — along with her work as a human rights activist, and you can forgive her for her turns in Daddy Day Care or fucking Material Girls. Marra

*Fun fact: one day my aunt got drunk and told me that my parents conceived me the night they saw this movie.

dildoscar%20-%20drew%20barrymore.jpgDrew Barrymore: She gets a lot of shit. She’s one of those women you love or you hate. I love her. I’ve always loved her. From her first appearance as Gertie in E.T., she captured my heart.

She’s never gonna’ win an Oscar. She may win a People’s Choice Award though and that’s almost as good, right? She’s made some very entertaining movies, The Wedding Singer, Never Been Kissed and 50 First Dates (suck-it, I love it and will watch it any time it’s on TBS). Yeah, OK, she’s made some stinkers, Duplex and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle and maybe she always sort of plays herself, but I don’t mind. I think her personality is adorable and I like that she plays variations of it over and over. She usually plays the kind of woman I would call when I need to hear that I’m awesome. No matter her mood, she’d put on smile, listen to my woes and then make me laugh until I peed a little. I know what I’m getting when I see a Drew Barrymore flick. A fizzy, dizzy, light-hearted, slightly doofy, always sweet girl who tries. In real life and in movies, she’s always the girl who keeps trying doesn’t give up. No matter what.

I think that’s admirable. And adorable. Plus, she has a great rack. I’m JUST sayin’… Lainey

dildoscar%20-%20Miss%20Piggy.gifMiss Piggy: My DildOscar belongs to that most fabulous of muppets, the one and only Miss Piggy. She is an inspiration to all. Check it. Miss Piggy does what she wants, eats what she wants, and gets what she wants, the moment she wants it. She knows that curves make a woman (or pig), and woe to you if you tell her otherwise. She will kick your ass three ways to Sunday if you dare to stand in her way. Mess with her man (or frog) and she will bitchslap you so hard you won’t be able to see straight for days. Miss Piggy radiates confidence and charm (and has a beautiful singing voice), but dare cross her and she will unleash the fury of a thousand suns upon your sorry ass, and you will not live to regret it. And best of all, she will look fabulous doing it. Keep on rockin’, you beautiful pig. Figgy

dildoscar%20-%20tina%20fey.jpgTina Fey: A popular choice around these parts, but really, how could we not include her? I must confess it took me a while to write this. Since Tina Fey is one of my favorite people in the world I thought the words would pour out of me, but with very word I typed I hesitated. How could I ever do her justice in only 200 words? So here are a few things I’d like to point out: she’s smart, she’s a working mother, she’s funny, she’s a gifted actress who can create her own material as well as a generous writer who creates material just as good so others can shine, she proved women can be funny and doable at the same time, she’s down to Earth… and she has great legs. She didn’t screw her way to the top or pulled publicity stunts to keep her name on the covers of magazines. She did what so few people are willing to do: she worked her ass off, always keeping a good head on her shoulders. Elizabeth Stamatina Fey is a woman to admire, not to idolize. She doesn’t think of herself as an icon. She’s just a gal doing what she loves, and boy does she do it well. - Sofía

dildoscar%20-%20amanda%20palmer.jpgAmanda Palmer: Since I have the attention span of a goldfish, I’m gonna go ahead and nominate my current girl-crush: Amanda Palmer. One half of the fabulous band the Dresden Dolls, currently working solo, Amanda is pretty much my definition of cool. As an example of just how cool, her last album was produced by Ben Folds, with Neil Gaiman writing text for the accompanying book. Her clothing style is somewhere between punk and goth. She draws on her eyebrows with eye-liner. Her sense of humor is a little on the macabre side. And most importantly, she writes beautiful, intense songs about everything from messed up relationships to school shootings, with awesome lyrics like:

“Yes you are my love the Astronaut
Crashing in the name of science
Just my luck they sent your upper half
It’s a very nice reminder.”

Musically she’s totally unique, somewhere between punk and the piano-confessional style. Right now I can’t decide if I want to be her, or just have sex with her. Although I’d settle for her wardrobe. — spisaster

dildoscar%20-%20sarahpalin.jpgSarah Palin: I nominate Sarah Palin for the DildoOscar. If for no other reason than I am at a family gathering and I have to listen to my Republican racist parents blush about how beautiful she is. Booooy are they right. She was in pageants! People all over can tell that she would be a fantastic VP/Pres-after-Zombie McCain-dies.
This conversation just transpired in my parents’ living room:

Stepmom: I like Sarah Palin.
Me: She’s a fucking moron! Are you kidding me?!?!
Stepmom: She’s beautiful!

Her foreign policy, morality, and inarguably awesome religious beliefs are exactly what I’m looking for in a candidate. No, I’m totally kidding…it’s just because she’s pretty. OH, and I like her wink. You betcha. — jamiepants

dildoscar%20-%20jillthompson.jpgJill Thompson: There are a few categories of art and media that women have yet to make any real inroads — directing, showrunning, and comics especially. So, Comic Book Geeks: I have a little challenge for you. Name three female comic inkers. Hell, try and name one and a half. Take your time, I’ll wait. If you’ve named anyone besides Pia Guerra, I’d be very impressed. So here’s another one for you: Jill Thompson. You’ve probably seen her work; she’s worked on Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, as well as The Invisibles, Wonder Woman, and the award winning Dark Horse anthologies and her own Scary Godmother series, which is surprisingly entertaining for a children’s comic. I’m sure winning multiple Eisner Awards is nice, but not until you’ve earned yourself a DildOscar have you really made it (by the way, apparently she got the Sandman gig by drawing Death sans clothing, so let that be a lesson to you budding artists out there: drawing naked chicks will get you work). — Marra

dild.jpgTsitsi Dangarembga: Tsitsi Dangarembga’s first novel, Nervous Conditions, is a sublime work of art that works not only as a snap-shot of Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) during colonization, but as a story of four women and the way education touches their lives, for better or for worse. She was only 25 when she wrote the partially autobiographical work and it punches you in the gut from the first line wherein the narrator and main character, Tambudzai, states “I was not sorry when my brother died,” because it meant that her family would now have the money to send her to school.

Dangarembga deserves the DildOscar for writing a story that focuses on the problems of women featuring men simply at tangential characters or motivating forces. The four strong women at the heart of the novel all face their own challenges, from unplanned pregnancy to bulimia, to reconciling a British style education with an African identity. There are no easy answers in Nervous Conditions but it excels at reminding the reader that perhaps there never were. Genny (also Rusty)

dildoscar%20-%20rachelmaddow.jpgRachel Maddow: If you had told me six months ago that watching an Amherst-valley lesbian verbally spar with a crotchety old Bible beater would be the best part of my evening, I would have laughed (and also been a little confused at you bringing something like that up in the first place). But since debuting on MSNBC in September, Rachel Maddow has been a huge boon to both the MSNBC evening ratings and LUGs the world over. I hate to use the term ‘adorable’ to describe an anchorwoman because it seems so condescending, but that’s exactly what she is. Good thing she’s also whip-smart, assertive, and pretty funny for a pundit. Sure, she’s certainly partisan, but not in the Sean Hannity/Bill O’Rielly/can’t get a word in edgewise because she’s so goddamned happy to listen to the sound of her own voice kind of way. She’s respectful to those with different opinions, which is practically unheard of for today’s class of pundit. Plus, she makes her point not by cutting off people’s mics or yelling as loud as she can, but with actual arguments and logic. Logic, people. On cable news! — Marra

godtopus%20cop.jpgAlabamaPink: Her real name is Amanda, and she’s in the hospital. Going through the comment threads on Pajiba and reading her blog, I’ve learned so much about her and what she’s going through, and we know that several Pajibans have showed their support for her by donating blood or running marathons to support those who suffer from Leukemia. Being so far away from her there’s not much I can do, except support those with Leukemia who live in my country, but what I knew I could do for her was entertain her with some silly posts that hopefully will provide her a few moments of distraction.

Manda, this was all for you. All those hours of writing and getting everything together and editing posts and photoshopping images to make them look silly were to give you a nice time. Thank you for showing me through your words what courage is. I don’t even know you but I am so damn proud of you. Sofi and the Pajibettes

The Pajibettes Present: The First Annual DildOscar® Awards

PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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