The Hat Strikes Back
You deviants thought I was kidding. You miscreants thought I wasn’t serious. You lovely little chicken portions thought I didn’t have the syrup to take over this bitch. Don’t you dare say I didn’t give you ample warning. I gave plenty of warning on that one magnificent day a year and a half ago. I told you we were mobilizing the canoes, mounting the Mounties and preparing our undercover agents. I extolled the virtues of Nanook’s one-leggedness and his mastery of the Arts Phallic. What did Pajiba do? You gave me the EE for that week and by virtue of that, a t-shirt. “Oh, this will keep him satiated” you thought. “He’d never dream of making good on his threats if we give him this paltry conciliatory prize, right?” Holy prolapsed caribou hot pocket were you bitches wrong. Time and time again I’ve told you that I’d take over this haven of Amurican sensibilities and today, February 18, 2010, all of my machinations and nefarious plotting comes to fruition.
What’s even better aboot today is that I brought a bunch of my friends and fellow Canuckistanis to aid in our liberation of Pajiba. Some have been regulars for years, some have lurked until recently, and some, well, let’s just say that some you wouldn’t want to meet at an all-night beaver-shaving convention. I have brought a force to be reckoned with, eh! I’ve brought Boozebitch and Feisty, I’ve recruited Park and Replica, I’ve even convinced your Lordhelmet to deliver some of his tasty, tasty Schwartz. There’s Kelly and Murray and Xtreme, oh my! I’ve brought the best around and no one’s going to ever keep us down. Really, we’ve even managed to bring the champion out of retirement for one night only.
We felt that it was time to educate you lot on some good old-fashioned Canadian film and TV. Everybody believes that we’re only about maple syrup, hockey and the erotic art of moose seduction but we’ve got skills people. So we’re hoping to give those unlucky enough to not be Canadian a small glimpse into what the country with the longest coastline in the world has to offer the entertainment industry. We’re not just about Avril, Celine, Haggis, and Reynolds (although we are proud of that last one). Canada has produced more well-known actors, amazing films, and influential television than most people realize. Quite frankly, we’re kind of tired of sitting back and not getting the credit we’re due so we’re done asking for it, were going to take it. Throughout the day you’ll be getting a little insight into what makes Canadians tick and hopefully a better understanding of just how Canadian artists have helped mould the way the world watches and makes movies and TV. Hopefully you’ll be a bit surprised, learn a few new skills, and show a little more appreciation for your frozen neighbours to the north. I suppose that if you end up being entertained that wouldn’t be such a bad thing either. But not too much! (We Canadians are reserved in our enjoyment.)
The Mooses of Polite Menace have been fed, watered, and checked for sexual frustration. The Dogs of Steadfast Negotiation have been hooked to the sled and are ready to talk in a sturdy and steadfast manner. The milk is tagged, bagged, and ready for shipping. We’ve got so many ‘U’s to insert where they don’t belong that you’ll wonder which end goes where (bend over, we’ll show you). We’ve advised Celine that she may now release her next album which is an all new collection of screeching and caterwauling designed to hypnotize you with it’s brilliance. The used canoes we bought from England have been re-furbished and are sitting at the port because we can’t figure out how to start them. However, you may wish to know that our old canoes should be arriving upon your shoreline momentarily and dispensing our patented Eskimo commandos commanded by non-other than Nanook himself. Be advised that Nanook hasn’t had relations with a woman, himself, or a four-legged beast of burden in over a month. I’m telling you people, this dude is hard and it isn’t even baby seal season yet. And the sparkles, oh my Beaverpus, the sparkles! With that: let the ‘Nucking begin.
Doran lives in the barren prairie known as Saskatchewan where he spends most of his time making igloos, turning the crank on the generator to power his internet, and seducing mooses so he has a warm place to sleep at night. He’s fiercely patriotic but also recognizes that Canada is a funny place to live and needs a good mocking on occasion. Check out his blog at WelcometoStabbymart for more of his angry rantings.
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