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November 3, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

Movies and pop culture are the tits. You know what’s even better? Tits!

We know it’s hard for some guys to approach women, and we appreciate the effort you put into mustering enough courage to actually walk across the room and say something to a complete stranger… when chances are that she’s already made up her mind about you and how far she’ll let you go before you even get to her. We’re going to help you beat those odds and make sure your playful bones get some action because we love you and you’re the morning dew on our pink carnations. Also, we get horny from time to time. But it’s different for us. We were raised to believe that we had something precious (in our pants) and that whoever was going to see it, touch it, or put stuff in it, had to be worthy of such a gift, and damnit, we are going to make you worthy.

Granted, it’s not easy. We know better than anyone that all women are different, so we are going to introduce to you different species of the most intriguing creatures of humanity and guide you through what works for us - when aunt Flo isn’t in town.

Species: 22-year-old intellectual disguised with 4-inch heels, mini-dresses, and lots of sparkly make up.

Where you can find her: VIP sections of clubs, bars, University events, orchestra concerts.

How to approach her: Ignoring the mouth breathers in the vicinity, approach with a well thought out comment on the music and/or decor (“I didn’t realize late-modern whorehouse furnishing went so well with post-Britney manufactured pop” is better than “Hey! Do you like Kanye?”). Throw in references to books you’ve read or current events, talk to me as though you’re interested in the conversation and not just looking for the quickest way to see me naked. Also, dancing ability is a huge bonus.

Deal-Breakers: Using “negs,” manhandling me while dancing, offering to buy me a drink when I’m at a table with free bottles (I’ll know you’re just trying to get me drunk), racism, sexism, any “wing man” like antics, staring at another girl’s cleavage while talking to me, and following me uninvited if/when I walk away. Let’s be realistic; if I walk away it means you’re not getting any.

Species: The emotional ugly duckling.

Where you can find her: You’re not likely to hear this lovely but skittish creature approaching. Due to her shy and retreating habits, and the fact that showier members of her kind often surround her, she’s often hard to spot in bars and at parties. Look for the quietly cute (and typically bespectacled) girl over there in the corner — way over there behind the ficus, sending furtive glances and wry smiles your way. Yeah, that’s her.

How to approach her: Often a product of an intensely awkward adolescence and just getting accustomed to being accepted by her peers, the female of this species is easily intimidated. Your best bet is to gradually establish a light flirtation with this girl in a place where she’s most comfortable, such as in her workplace or the comments section of Paheeba, rather than in a social setting. However, if a direct approach is called for, please remember that any sign of alpha male behavior may send her into a fit of uncomfortable silence.

Approach this one softly, with a drink in hand and a preferably unpolished, even downright lame joke. She may at first seem surprised that you’re talking to her, but if she responds with an easy laugh and an equally goofy line, you are in, my friend. For putting in the effort to make this girl feel noticed, and showing a genuine appreciation for her in all her dorky glory, you will have the pleasure of knowing the sly sex kitten that lurks beneath. Remember, fellas: this gal was too much of an outsider to behave like a horny teenager in high school—so this is her time to shine!

Species: The Mid-to-Late 30s Career Woman

Where you can find her: The Grocery Store, Sur Le Table, Your Office

How to approach her: Side note, guys — before doing anything, check for a ring. I repeatedly hear men my age and younger say they don’t even think to look for a ring. Baffling. Unless you’re just practicing hitting on a woman, scope out the left hand first.

She’s probably heard all the lines before, so you’re going to have to get creative. Humor usually works and depending on the woman, the helpless act can get you some attention. What doesn’t work? Obvious flattery or overt innuendo. Originality and Subtly are your friends.

Ask for her opinion on wine, spices, cheese, or baking items. Don’t ask opinions on vegetables (yes, we’ve all heard how big your cucumber/zucchini/jalapeno is. Please see above for originality) and avoid making small talk about stomach remedies or feminine products you’re buying for your mom. Offering to carry a heavy box for us will get you bonus points. Yes, equal opportunity is great, but we still like having a man carry heavy stuff for us.

This chick’s unlikely to hook up with you after your first encounter, but you’re probably a shoe-in to get digits and arrange a date. We’re liable to think you’re just a nice guy and aren’t really hitting on us unless you make the first overture toward a date. Don’t be fooled by the “unwed by choice” older woman. We’re not all in a race to sink our claws in to get us a husband and Baby-On-Board sign for our mini-vans. We’ve been around the block and are quite comfortable being on our own, but sometimes we want a little sump’n, sump’n, too. Know what I’m sayin’?

If you’re lucky enough to get the call to the Majors - hang on tight. Women in their 30s and 40s tend to be more comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality. We don’t mind telling you what we want and making sure that you’re getting what you need. When everyone’s done and satisfied, you don’t need to spend the night, but don’t trip over your pants running out the door. We enjoy basking in the afterglow, light cuddling and talking a bit. If you’re good at this part too, you can bet you’ll be added to the speed dial in her cell phone.

Species: The girl with the red/pink hair and Schrödinger equation tattoo.

Where to find her: dive bars, late night diners

How to approach her: Honestly, I’ve always prided myself on being approachable. If you get up the nerve to talk to me and don’t come off as a complete jerk, I’ll probably at least give you a chance. But to really get my attention? You need to use the look. The look is a sort of heavy-lidded, intense gaze, best deployed across a smoky bar for at least 30 seconds before approaching your prey. The look says “I’m mysterious and brooding and I want you.” It manages to get your attention and flatter you without any words. It makes you feel singled out and sexy. It’s tricky to pull off — too often guys attempting this just look like they’re trying too hard, or like they’re thinking about slipping a roofie into your drink. But if you can manage it, it’s damn hard for a woman to resist. It helps if you have the bad-boy image — leather biker jacket, tattoos, cigarette — but the only clothing choice that’ll get you automatically disqualified is the one that says: “Member of the douche herd.” Honestly, I don’t know if the look is something you can practice or if you just have to know how to do it, but I can tell you the guys I’ve met who can manage it tend to be supremely self-confident and sure of what they want. And that’s damn sexy.

Species: The 23 year-old who hates heels and can hold her liquor.

Where you can find her: Seedy bars, clubs and sometimes in their VIP sections (not for her own merits, but because she has way hotter friends), playing guitar on the beach.

How to approach her: She’s never drunk, so I’m afraid you’ll have to work for it. If you’re still interested, keep reading.

Rule of thumb: If you see a group of gorgeous women, always go for the less hot one. She knows she’s among better-looking friends, and if she’s approached by you she’ll be grateful and it’ll boost up her confidence. John Nash said it in A Beautiful Mind and the guy won a Nobel Prize, so he’s smart. And kinda crazy, but whatever.

Compliments regarding physical appearance don’t work on her. She’d much rather hear someone say, “You have a great laugh” than “You’re really hot.” But if you feel like you have to compliment her looks then do it, and if it comes out adorably awkward, she’ll giggle nervously and touch your feeble and (most likely) extremely pale arm.

The ability to have a conversation making eye contact instead of tit-eye contact is always important, but so is good ole banter. If you can hold the sarcasm for six sentences without breaking character you’re her kind of guy. If you happen to say, “I can’t stop singing that fucking O-Town song” there’s a 74 percent chance she’ll jump you on the spot. She’s a sucker for guilty pleasures.

If by the end of the night you’re naked, don’t make her feel cheap. How do you that? Spoon her and secure a second date. She’s a keeper, I’m afraid.

Species: Oblivious 26 year-old Geek Girl.

Where to Find Her: Bars, the bookstore, probably Facebook.

How to approach her: If you see her in a bar, send a smile her way. She probably won’t quite manage to return it — don’t get discouraged, this has no bearing on your chances. Are you tall and geeky? If so, then she’s already noticed you, and probably watches you slyly from the corner of her eye. If not, well, she’s probably likewise noticed you, she tends towards observance, especially when in public —people-watching is fun. However, she is generally pretty shy and she probably didn’t even realize you were smiling at her. She’s oblivious to your subtlety, so save that for more savvy girls.

No matter what you do, please don’t try too hard. It’s not a good thing; you’re likely to get laughed at, either to your face or when you aren’t looking (probably to your face). Trying too hard just makes you a tool; it doesn’t make you cute or cool. And remember, being smart and geeky is a good thing with this girl — she likes smart and geeky. You’ve probably heard this one before, but self-confidence is always a good thing, as long as it doesn’t turn into cockiness. Or at least not too much cockiness.

Mostly, flattery will get you everywhere, along with some perseverance and patience, and a healthy dose of not being an asshole.

Species: Introverted and perverted single white female of the non-homicidal variety

Where you can find her: dive bars, libraries, the gym, her couch, awesome movie websites

How to approach her: You know what? Don’t. I know that sounds counter intuitive, but you’re never going to get a girl worth getting by sidling up to her in a noisy club and doing your best to trick her into getting drunk and sleeping with you. Every girl, not matter how pretty or ugly, has been hit on a thousand times by guys with pick up lines — some terrible, some good — but the point is, she’s immune. It’s also cliché to try and buy a girl a drink right off the bat, and it’s difficult to just strike up a conversation with someone you don’t know. So what should you do? Fuck if I know. Try to get a mutual friend to introduce you, or talk about the band in the bar or the books in her hand. The only tried and true thing I can think of is to be yourself. Trite? Sure. But it would also be refreshingly unique.

Paheeba's Guide to Getting You Laid / The Pajibettes

PaEHba Day | November 3, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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