Canada’s Greatest Exports
Canada is mainly a country of exports. This is due to a relatively low ratio of people to land and the fact that we have a lot of really good shit! As a matter of fact, the current economic crisis has affected us mostly because you silly Americans can’t afford to buy our stuff anymore. Why won’t you buy our goods, America, we have everything you want. Timber and diamonds, gold and uranium, power and water, food and oil (wait, you still buy that last one) and entertainment. We’ve given you so many talented entertainers that we’ve barely managed to keep any for ourselves. I’m really getting tired of our country putting so much time, effort, and money into producing a brilliant artist only to have them run to the border whenever you people flash a bit of green at them. Are we a nation of hookers? Nay, we just like sharing what we have. But it’ll cost you and as we’re so fond of ‘Nucking all over America’s tracts of land, I give you nine of our greatest exports. Why nine? Because ten would just be bragging.
Note: The list was limited to those who were born in Canada and they are in no particular order. We wouldn’t want someone to feel inferior just because of an arbitrary number.
The world owes Canada a huge debt of gratitude for letting this bodacious blonde vixen go. Ms. Anderson caused a revolution in the use of slow-motion photography during her stint on “Baywatch.” Never before has silicon played such a starring role in prime time American TV. The sensual bounce of a boobie as it travels enticingly along the shoreline in a seductively undulating rhythym … it gives me tingles. Also, don’t forget how Pam and her unfortunately endowed husband started the whole sex-tape trend that has taken America by a hepatitis-fuelled storm. Paris and Kim, you’d better send a thank you card.
Neeeear…far…wherever you are. You’re welcome! Celine’s dulcet screetchings have been tickling the cilia of American ears for years. Thanks to your unabashed love for our French-Canadian songstress, she’s got more money than Canada has snow. If she wanted too, she could single-handedly pave every road in Canada with the greenback and still have some left over for a nice cup of coffee. If she combined her money with James Cameron’s they could eradicate the national debt of the USA and buy Anne Coulter a date. Please keep attending her shows as she needs to send a cheque home at the end of every month.
(Caption) Too soon?
Apple owes Miss Lavigne a huge thank you. Avril was on the cutting edge of communication technology far before the rest of the world caught on. Thanks to her song “Sk8er Boi,” the world has learned to communicate by substituting phonetic sounds for actual letters, reducing every word down to meaningless consonants and communicating with the efficiency of an ADHD afflicted on meth. Also, women can wear ties too. She was married to a fellow Canuck, but that was too much awesome in one place so she’s decided to start banging Brody Jenner to keep some balance in the world.
(Caption) But she’s not a punk.
Where would America be without James Cameron? Certainly, citizens would still have about four billion dollars in their pockets. The king of the blockbuster, the don of tear-jerking, the Prime Minister of cartoons, Cameron has written, produced, and/or directed some of the biggest movies in history. His most valuable contributions include such masterpieces as Titanic, Avatar, and Piranha Part 2: The Spawning. I hear it told he used to make some other movies too. But we don’t need to get into those pieces of trash here.
Haggis. It’s what’s for dinner! Named after the tasty dish of the same name, Paul has been writing his recipes for boiled sheep-stomach stuffed with unknown meat-like substances for years. He started his career by writing and sometimes producing haggis for TV but then he made the transition to big-boy haggis and started writing for the silver screen. Apparently, his haggis is very good, as he’s won many awards for his brand of boiled viscera including a Golden Butt Plug for one particularly aromatic version. I never would have though that you Americans love your haggis so much.
Redefining the definition of a Spaz, Howie Madel’s delightfully retarded brand of stand-up comedy took America by storm at some point in time I don’t really care about. After his popularity began to decline, Howie left the thrilling life of idiocy to pursue a career in mysophobia. After succeeding at not conquering his phobia, he then re-invented himself as a bald game show host who loves to interact with people while refusing to touch them. Now, he’s been given his own comedy show called Howie Do It (hahahaha!) and will be replacing The Hoff on “America’s Got Talent.” Not because he wants to, but because the germs will be on a stage and Howie will have the separation he craves.
Here in Canada, we like to export our technology as well as our talent. Hence when we developed the Keanu-bot V 2.346, we figured that if there was any place in the world that would enjoy a mechanical, unfeeling, generally apathetic simulated automaton, it would be America. Keanu-bot is perfectly serviceable in a supporting role that requires no emotion whatsoever and also for acting parts that require communication in mono-syllables or single word exclamations. Exceeding these parameters causes Keanu-bot to overload and revert back to his natural state as a fungus covered rock. Also, no matter how many software updates you install, he will never ever enunciate his words.
What could Jason Priestly have possibly contributed to America? How about the most iconic moment in American television history? Check the :02 second mark.
That’s it. Well, perhaps the hair too.
The original James Tiberius Kirk (the pilot doesn’t count), The Shat pulled more green tail than a turtle at Billybob’s Risque Reptile Ranch. Shat has been peddling his own brand of gloriously punget fromage for over eighty-five years and has bukakked all over pretty much every entertainment medium there is. Whether it’s reality TV, guest spots on Conan or a spoken-word version of Elton John’s “Rocketman,” Shat always gives it warp eleventy percent. How can you possibly not be swayed by the heartbreaking earnestness of this performance?
Perhaps no Canadian has contributed more to the American lexicon than Michael Myers. Evolving from such gems as ‘schwing,’ ‘way,’ and ‘shea, right,’ America is now rife with ‘yeah baby!,’ ‘oh behave,’ and ‘donkey!-s’. Perhaps the person most responsible for the resurgence of the delightful Scottish accent, he’s recently expanded his repertoire to include both British and East Indian (?) Pakistani (?) Hindu (?) accents. No really, what the fuck is that? Nevertheless, Mr. Myers remains a bastion of aural comedy and you should be thankful that we would so readily part with him. Plus, he’s a Leafs fan.
(Caption) Abomination or genius?
What do you say about the most successful rock band of the 20th century? Trailblazers? Perhaps. Inspiring? Without doubt. The greatest thing to happen to music since Creed? Indubitably. The Back is responsible for separating thirty million Americans from their hard earned dollars over the past decade. A revolution in rock, a tribute to the Arts Formulaic and the best selling ‘foreign’ band next to some dudes named after a bug, America should worship at the feet of these rock gods. Plus, the lead singer looks like a cartoon lion and they’re also responsible for the sub-prime mortgage fiasco America is experiencing and the following economic fallout. Ha-ha, we got you, fuckers!
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