Pajiba

What happens if you don't have voice-mail ('cause your service provider SUCKS and you ain't paying extra fees for that SHIT? *cough* *cough* err... Or you take the call on conference, or have call waiting and the victim merely has to wait a couple of minutes?

Well my dad would be safe; his mailbox is always full because he refuses to listen to "that crap." Hey, I come by my crankiness honestly.

I can't even say how much I fucking love that right now, right under that review is an ad for White Noise 2. No worries; Hollywood dumbassery will never die.

I'm thinking that if you had *69 or caller ID you could see who's calling you and maybe find them and fuck them up before they fuck you up.

I hate gratuitous animal violence in movies.

The bad mojo hates cats? That makes me hate the movie even more.

Does it at least have the decency to call during nights and weekends? Or is this one of this douchebag evil spirits that calls during peak hours? Because that's just effed up sideways if it calls before 7pm (fuck you, Verizon).

This movie's green lighting reminds me of this Patton Gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo

Man, Shannon rocks my world, but I can't bring myself to see her in any of the crap she's in lately.

So they didn't even try to fix the prolems in the Miike version? They just made it worse you say?

Well I'll be...not surprised at all. Thank you for a hillarious review of a film concept that just needs to die.

Edward Burns, you fucking no-talent, two-hit-wonder, pigfucking ass-biter. I should have known this was coming.

Oh well, at least this has Sophia Bush in it.

Wait... she's not in it? Why the hell not? She's in every OTHER fucking low-rent, half-assed horror movie.

Goddamnit.

If I don't read a review of a good horror movie soon, I'm going to set this website on fire.

I can't even say how much I fucking love that right now, right under that review is an ad for White Noise 2. No worries; Hollywood dumbassery will never die.

First of all, I happen to be looking forward to seeing White Noise 2, so phooey on you.

Second of all, my screen is showing me an ad for "In the NAME of the KING A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE" starring none other than Jason Statham, so phoo--er, it looks like you're right about Hollywood dumbassery after all.

If I don't read a review of a good horror movie soon, I'm going to set this website on fire.

TK, I am hoping that before the end of the day Pajiba will post a review of The Orphanage, which is supposed to be hella good, so please don't set the site on fire before, say, Sunday, okay?

Ed fucking Burns is in this?

I knew I didn't like that asshole for some reason. His movies are boring and the only cred he has with me is his Entourage stint. But I would think he would have better taste than this.

The Orphanage does look promising. Looking forward to the review.

I'm confused. Is this movie The Ring? WTF.

Oh yeah, and my new favorite word is motherfuckery. Brilliant.

Thanks Dustin.

Don't thank me. I completely stole that from Jen310 (thanks Jen). -- DR.

ok wait, so if you're character in this movie and you already know that if you get a message on your voicemail and listen to it you'll hear your death and die, could you decide to, say, NOT listen to it?
i don't know, it seems like a smart idea to me...but then again, movies of this sort rarely ever contain any ideas that could be defined as "smart."

and who the hell decided to give shannyn sossamon work? i guess the producers/director/casting agents figured that her degree of star power matched the premise of the movie.

I don't know what's worse: American remakes of J-horror or Uwe Boll adaptations of video games (Jason Statham, anyone?).

Can someone tell me why Hollywood insists on ripping off J-Horror movies instead of just buying the U.S. rights and distributing the original here? Wouldn't that be cheaper? Even if it doesn't do particularly well here, it's gotta be cheaper to distribute than to make a new one and pay to distribute that. Or are these shitty knockoffs making that much money, with big-time, A-list stars like Shannyn Sossamon and Ed Burns? I can't even remember who was in the last one of these, or any of them, really. The only one I remember (the only one I've ever paid to see) was The Ring. How long ago was that?

The Patton Oswalt clip is about one of the single greatest movies of all time, "Death Bed: the Bed that Eats."

What's making me laugh is the 'EVERY CALL COUNTS' ad that's appeared on my screen off to the left. The one underneath is something about a stock robot.

I thought Verizon already ran on evil spirits!

Oh, poor kitty!

Jerce -

Ummm, "hella"? Word, yo'.

Any word on the how far development has gone on "Dragons & Douchebags"?

Oh, and Ed Burns is what you get when you spin Billy Baldwin up to 50,000 rpm to separate him from his "personality."

"Let's get this off the ground A-SAP before all those suckers out in Missouri realize that Japanese horror movies can actually be dumber than American ones."

Why the hate on Missouri? Sure, Abe Simpson refused to acknowledge our statehood, but he is senile.

All I know is that I am from Missouri, don't see any of the crap that comes out like this, and don't know anyone else who does.

Why not pick on more worthless states like New Jersey and Delaware?

Apparently there aren't enough writers on stike. Who the hell writes this crap?!

Is it weird that the review made me WANT to see this movie? I love bad horror flicks so much I almost creep myself out. Although...is this one bad enough to be funny? Or just bad enough to be boring? This is Kristin, by the way (not that anyone necessarily cares, but just in case...). I thought I needed some sort of alias since I've seen at least one other Kristin commenting (you know, in case she's crazier than me or writes with even more typos than I do - I wouldn't want to get a bad rep).

Slash, I don't know what measuring device you're using but I don't think Shannyn Sossamon or Ed Burns qualify as "big-time, A-list" as much as "starving for work."

This movie sounds awful, but god, I love scathing reviews of bad movies. That's why I come to Pajiba!

I found out about this movie was when I heard my roommate's TV from the other room. All I heard was "First it goes straight to voicemail, then you die." Or something like that. I promised myself right then and there that I would never see this movie.

I love that the words "dumbassery" "numskullery" and "motherfuckery" all appeared before the end of the first paragraph. That is excellent.

The commercial didn't even evoke any sense of fear into me!!!! Absolutely nothing, and I get scared of my own freakin' shadow. More proof of Hollywoods everlasting douchery.

I can admit that I don't indulge in most horror movies, even the J-Horror's due to the fact that i'm a big scaredy cat. Hell, Darkness Falls gave me the eebie jeebies so bad. Didn't help that the first time I saw it, I was visiting my Mama at her secluded house in the hills of Tennessee. I'm talking really secluded. Pitch black, Mr. Boogey Man is waiting for you the moment you stepout out of the car.

This, this is what makes me cringe. If anyone I knew ever suggested to go see this movie I would dis-own them. I can slightly buy into the other wave of horrors in this god forsaken genre. At least the trailers have enough credit to elate a sense of fear. Not even mental blue-balls for this one!!!!! All I can do is shake my head in disdain.

My intent had been to comment about the fact that no one should really be surprised (disappointed, yes, but surprised? Come on.), but I got to Jerce's comment and saw the words Jason Statham and completely lost my train of thought.

I would watch another Transporter movie if they made it. Seriously. Hell, if I can sit through The One just for him, I can sit through anything.

Man, Shannon rocks my world, but I can't bring myself to see her in any of the crap she's in lately.

Lately? When has Shannon NOT been in crap?

Yay, I'm not the only one who hates Edward Burns!

Also, you bet you ass I'll be in the theater when that dragon movie with Jason Statham is released. Shameless, I know. Don't care.

Aaaaah, The One, it's so bad it's good, better on six-pack fueled Sunday afternoons:

"...I am Yulaw! I'm nobody's bitch. You are mine. I don't need to know you. You only need to know me. I will be The One! ..."

Ed Burns is a wanker. He can just go back to making shitty movies about Irish brothers in New Jersey or whatever that shit was.....
HOW is this whiny bitch married to Christy Turlington I ask you?

You ain't lived till you've seen CLIPS from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBhsPP06-mA&feature=related

Why not pick on more worthless states like New Jersey and Delaware?

Don't fuck with New Jersey, or shit gonna go down, bitch.

That said, this movie sounds like a cinematic coat hanger abortion. All I can focus on is where the fuck the hard candy comes from when the people die... is that ever explained? I just saw a short film the other day where red hard candies were a plot device, and now I'm a little bothered.

New Jersey aka New York Jr.

Crap. This movie sounds eerily familiar to my unfinished novel about a possesed rotary phone and an evil answering machine.

Aaaaah, The One, it's so bad it's good, better on six-pack fueled Sunday afternoons:

"...I am Yulaw! I'm nobody's bitch. You are mine. I don't need to know you. You only need to know me. I will be The One! ..."

Damn. I was thisclose to respecting you again when you said this, but that whole "SS16 all day marathon" is still sticking in my craw.

You do get points though. You do get points.

B-Slim, ignore that foolish Vermillion. I've seen the drunken genius of The One, and I'm right there with you.

Wow, I don't even know what to say about the Death Bed youtube clip except PURE GOLD.

My roommate and I let a Jersey girl move in with us once. She never gave us a dime for rent (even after I bought her a bed) and she ended up going out 4 nights of week to smoke weed and have sex with strange men she met on myspace. Thankfully about a month and a half later the magical fairy gnomes smiled down upon us, and while my roommate and I were in another city, Jersey girl packed up all her stuff and left without leaving a note, or the key, or anything.

Those were some good times, man, real good times.

4 nights *of the week, I meant.

It was so difficult for me to maintain interest in the Japanese version of this one. Just because it's from Japan doesn't mean it's a quality horror flick. I saw the trailer for this and my heart hurt.

You ain't lived till you've seen CLIPS from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats...

Sweet chocolate Jesus. I cannot believe someone actually wrote a script....then it was produced....I'm forwarding it to everyone I know. Thanks, JMW.

At least one thing will always ring true. That the first week or two of January will have absolutely crap on the silver screen.

Man, Shannon rocks my world, but I can't bring myself to see her in any of the crap she's in lately.



[Q:] Lately? When has Shannon NOT been in crap?



Posted by: Daphne at January 4, 2008 7:59 PM

--------------------------------------------



A: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.



And yes, I am fully aware that her role in said film consisted of little more than appearing on screen in a pink wig, but she was in it, and it wasn't crap.



In response to an earlier comment: Dear Pookie, referring to New Jersey as New York, Jr. is a flagrant and, frankly, intolerable insult to New York. Please rescind.

This movie stole the whole "disembodied hand grabs helpless victim and then grabs helpless victim's pet" thing from another movie. A fine piece of filmmaking entitled C.H.U.D. What can you say about a movie that can't even make up its own cheap tricks and so is forced to borrow them from a movie like C.H.U.D.?

Whoa. Sorry. Looks like an inexact preview script, combined with first time commenting woes and an imprecise recollection of HTML has resulted in an inordinately monstrous consumption of dead space.

My apologies, Pajibans. I hate that shit, too.

She was on Mr. Show!

Also, while they weren't works of genius, A Knight's Tale and 40 Days and 40 Nights were both enjoyable.

And yes, more love for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Uh oh,in the original Japanese version there was an early scene in which two characters,trapped in a,er,posessed (I can hardly remember) elevator-one of the girls hung on hopelessly to one of the elevator walls as it plunged-and broke one of long fingernails-er,yea,it was seriously tormenting to watch as the fingernails broke in half,there was something unforgettably morbid about that part.

Well,anyhu,did anyone seriously expect the American version to be an improvement?Don't think so.

Well,anyhu,did anyone seriously expect the American version to be an improvement?Don't think so.

Honestly, twispious? There was a good chance. The Miike version had a few really tense moments (like the elevator shaft sequence), but overall I didn't think it worked really well as a film.

I was kind of hoping that maybe the US version could at least try to make the film a bit more interesting. Considering how cell obsessed Americans are (and not just the tweeners, I can't count how many times I've seen business people on the bus juggling two+ blackberries, a sleek flip-phone with generic Verizon ringtone, and a personal phone), this could have been a really interesting adaptation. How about a focus on how we're never truly alone because someone can always find us so long as we're attached to the cellular technology? Or the ubiquity of the technology and its ever-expanding capabilities? There could have been a scene where someone reads a news article on a blackberry about a tragic hit and run accident involving...dun dun dun...the person reading the article. He panics, runs outside to see what's really going on, and BAM! SUV slams into him, killing him instantly.

I guess I'll have to wait till the 2009 Cell adaptation (to come to TV since I don't pay for Eli Roth films anymore) to see someone maybe even toy with that idea. Assuming they don't royally screw up King's novel (one of the few I can read).

Didn't they use something similar to that SUV bit in the first Final Destination with a bus or a semi?

Still, you are right, they could've gone crazy with the concept even cartoony:

Blackberry: an anvil will fall on your head.

Generic pretty boy: looks up!

BAM!

Yeah, BarbadoSlim, the SUV bit (and many like it: I preferred the carnival ride one) were in Final Destination. The gag has been a bit overused the past few years, most noticeably in The Devils Rejects and Bride of Chucky.

But the idea is there: it could have been an over the top exercise in in cartoonish violence and instead just did bad version of an existing film that wasn't too good to begin with.

Oh yeah, and my new favorite word is motherfuckery. Brilliant.

Thanks Dustin.

Don't thank me. I completely stole that from Jen310 (thanks Jen). -- DR.

Posted by: SR at January 4, 2008 4:49 PM

________________________________________________

Whoo Hoo!
I got a shout-out, I got a shout-out, I got a shout-out (does the happy dance).
It's the little things in life that make me happy.
Ahhh, I am an attention whore.

some guy (and you know it was a man, because there ain't no woman dumb enough)

Good review for the most part, as usual, but that statement right there was about as stupid as anything I've ever read on this site. And that includes posts by the trolls.

Get the fuck out of here!!! One Missed Call is a bad movie?! How many movies have you ever slaved over? Did you ever have to have sex with 2 of France's finest low-rent whores while eating disgusting American food in the middle of making a masterpiece the whole world should enjoy? Did you not see the movie poster? A face with two people's screaming mouths for eyes. If that's not enough indication that this film is an Oscar winner, I don't know what is.

Your New Enemy,
Eric Valette

Mitch, I think perhaps you need to think about the difference between "statement" and "joke". That is (obviously) a joke.

Hate to be nit-picky, but the vehicle Scoob and the Gang rode around in was called the Mystery Machine.

Great review though, I figured this movie might suck, and I'm glad you guys took that bullet for me.

On "In the NAME of the KING A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE", i find it amusing that this movie came out in Europe first (i think) and up until now i didn't even know that this was another Uwe Boll atrocity. For example, in Germany, were Uwe Boll is from, they didn't even mention his name in the Ads a la "An Uwe Boll Film". Not a mystery, because we all know Uwe Bolls fine skills, but nevertheless amusing, considering his other crimes against celluloid had his name all over it.

Fine, thejswift and Kevin, since you want to get all technical, I'll revise my previous question:

When has Shannon NOT been in crap that people actually watched (excluding Pajibites)?

Kevin, I don't agree that being entertained by a movie automatically means it's not crap. After all, I was really entertained by Reign of Fire, but crappy it was. Same for Face/Off.

B Slim said it best: there are a million ways this could go wrong!

Plan better next time, O Evil Mojo.

They have to remake J-Horror because "I don't go to them thar movies to READ goddamnit."

And I just bought myself a copy of Death Bed: The Bed that Eats on import because it's too damned good not to own.

Hey! I'm from Missouri and I wouldn't be caught dead watching this film. Let's stay away from stereotypes, shall we?

Its like they saw the ring and said, yeah, lets make that... but worse.

Also: its called one missed call, but the call is supposed to go straight to voicemail. my mind is blown

"If I don't read a review of a good horror movie soon, I'm going to set this website on fire."

TK, I dont imagine Pajiba would ever review it since its on DVD now, but the Horrorfest series is worth checking out if you're a horror fan. They're not all home runs, but there's some good stuff in the set.

As for this piece o' crap, I had already planned to avoid it based on how much I hated Pulse. I love how all these new horror flicks based around new technology tend to disregard the fact that you can just unplug the goddamn things. Morons.

That said, I'll see White Noise 2, cause, Hi My name is MG and I'm a Fillionoholic.

I worked on this piece of shit and we finished it over two years ago.

I'm confused. Is this movie The Ring? WTF.

Drea, are you myself from two days ago? Because that was my reaction, word for word, when I saw the preview.

Now I am creeped out.

Verm and BS-

That's why I love you guys. We will all watch a totally shitty movie, for totally different (but equally shitty) reasons.

A few questions (I just got around to seeing this movie this weekend):

1) Who were the creepy man, woman, and baby with mouth-eyes supposed to represent?
2) Why did the little girl have DOLLS that looked like the woman with the baby carriage? Yeah, the little girl was creepy herself, but things like that aren't exactly mass-produced.
3) Why did the kitty have to die??? I was watching, and had just said, "Oh, please don't do anything freaky to the cat," and there it was.
4) How could two college students afford such a nice, big, well-decorated house?
5) Shannyn Sossaman as a psychology student? What purpose did that serve, other than to give us a chance to hear the professor lecturing about abused children and their means of coping?
6) How come college students are such popular gore fodder for horror movies?

Yeah, it wasn't a great movie by any means, but the scenes in the abandoned hospital gave me the chills.

Your comment bout Verizon... funniest thing I've seen all day. awesome!

i love this movie it wasnt 2 scary or not 2 boring
!!!