23 Letters: "Braindead Schumacher Film"
The Number 23 / Dustin Rowles
So, yeah: Let’s just get this out of the way first. The Number 23 is every bit as preposterous as the previews portend. It’s about a man, Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey), who discovers a pulp-detective novel that leads him on some sort of holy crusade against that goddamn number. Every motherfucking thing, from the second the film reel unspools until the credits roll, is about the number 23, so much so that I even began reflexively counting numbers and letters in my head to come up with my own numerology ludicrousness (e.g., daydreaming about a “Grande Caramel Macchiato” had me frustrated because there were only 22 letters and it’s not the season to order the numerically appropriate “Tall Ice Caramel Macchiato” — I suppose that it also tells you exactly how riveting The Number 23 is that this was where my mind was).
That said, whether it was organic or the simple byproduct of mental taxation, the smallest thread of intrigue did develop over the course of the film, so that the entire experience was akin to watching a scoreless game between two baseball teams you don’t give a shit about just to see if somebody would finally score (and the ending, tantamount to a run scored on a sac fly and a throwing error). It would’ve been a lot easier just to check the box score the next day, but — sadly — that wasn’t an option here.
But let’s back up a bit: First of all, despite what the previews suggest, it’s not a horror film, or even (as I’d hoped) a horror-comedy disguised as a slasher flick to secure the attendance of teenage boys. Even to call it a “thriller” would be a stretch, as that would suggest the presence of thrills, of which there are none in The Number 23. In fact, it’s so drab and cheerless that unintentional comedy is even out of the question. Simply put, it’s a mystery, and a pretty bad one at that. But unlike many big-screen mysteries that unleash compelling storylines and then botch the resolution (John Cusack’s Identity being the all-time worst offender), The Number 23 works backward, from a conclusion that might have been somewhat satisfactory if we could’ve mustered the energy to give a rat’s ass about anything leading up to it.
Successful mysteries — and there are only a handful out there — usually manage to present a number of possible scenarios for the killer: The obvious choice, the so-obvious-there’s-no-fucking-way-he-did-it choice, the logical choice, and guy you never expected but — damn! — he makes so much sense in retrospect. Say what you want about the Harry Potter books, but J.K. Rowling manages to pull off that feat every goddamn time. Sadly, most filmmakers get lazy with exposition these days and create a series of underdeveloped red herrings and then — Wham! — blindside you with a random killer they pull out of their asses and then slam down on the table like Mike Tyson’s member on a pat of butter (how’s that for an archaic Eddie Murphy allusion?).
Here, The Number 23 only bothers with the one real red herring — the somewhat logical choice — before dipping itself into that pat of butter, though I’ll grant the script this much: A director with even mediocre talent working with less well-known actors might have been able to pull it off successfully. Unfortunately, The Number 23 is directed by Joel Schumacher, who has only a passing familiarity with higher levels of brain function — in fact, he’d make the ideal spokesperson for those Geico commercials.
But getting back to that storyline: Walter is an averagely schlubbish dog catcher who — through a series of missteps mostly dealing with the number 23 and a canine named Ned (the letters of which add up to 23) — winds up late to pick up his tellingly named wife, Agatha (Virginia Madsen) after work. She waits for him in a bookstore, where she runs across a novel, The Number 23, that she ends up giving him for his birthday (February 3). Written by Topsy Kretts (Top Secrets — ha!) Walter becomes obsessed with the detective mystery and all its insipid numerology, developing increasing amounts of paranoia and realizing that both he and the novel’s main character, Fingerling, have — unsettlingly — quite a bit in common. Credit Fernley Phillips’ script here for at least depicting Walter as an obsessive nutjob instead of actually trying to convince the audience that there is something beyond mere coincidence to that (goddamn) number. (For those of you curious, the so-called “23 Enigma” was not the invention of Phillips — there is some crackpot history to it, including the belief that “The Ghost Whisperer” is haunted because it’s filmed on Stage 23).
Veiled spoiler ahead: Anyway, Ned — the dog — and the detective book all lead Walter toward an unsolved murder, which Walter must crack by discovering the identity of Topsy Kretts (you can draw your own conclusions from the italics). Walter, of course, feels that he’ll be unable to shake his obsession with that number (and by this point, Phillips is plumbing the depths to find reasons to present it) until he solves the murder of Laura Tollins, who died on her … 23rd birthday (making the sophisticated-looking 30-year-old Rhona Mitra an odd choice to play the part of the deceased).
For those of you who ignore critics as well as common sense and choose to attend The Number 23 anyway, allow me to offer one piece of advice: the entire plot of The Number 23 is recapitulated and solved in the last ~23 minutes. So, if you get bored, need to use the restroom 23 times, nod off 23 times, or even need to slip out and jog 23 miles, you don’t really have to stick around for the entire 95-minute runtime (oooh: 9+5+9, the number of letters in Jim Carrey’s name, is 23 — creepy).
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
Reno 911!: Miami | | It Tastes as Good as it Smells |
Comments
I saw the preview months ago, and laughed hysterically through it, thinking "This can't be real. This is just a jok--.. Oh, jesus. Schumacher."
Good to know I can still trust my initial reaction.
Posted by: Mara at February 23, 2007 5:30 PM
Maybe it will manage to gross...$23 million before it goes away quietly.
Posted by: Rexus at February 23, 2007 5:39 PM
"Silly Pretentious Baloney"
--23 letters! weird!
Posted by: derekthered at February 23, 2007 5:39 PM
Damn, I was hoping that Jim Carrey hadn't reached his dramatic apex with Ace Ventura. I gotta tell ya I had some high hopes for this film. I like to see actors/actresses reaching beyond their normal fare, even if they do end up losing a finger. Again, haven't seen this one yet (I'm sensing a pattern with my blogs.... This is my second post of the day and I posted three on Daddy's Little Girls yesterday....2 and 3...OH MY G**................)
Posted by: Manny at February 23, 2007 6:03 PM
I'm still reeling over the awesomely mixed metaphors in this review, and am left with the mental image of somebody pulling a red herring out of his ass, dipping it in a pat of butter, and slamming it down on a table. Or perhaps I misunderstood...
Posted by: AM at February 23, 2007 6:35 PM
I knew this movie wouldn't be good, but I really was hoping for a pleasant diversion.
I have to give it one thing - it's not a shitty television show rewritten as a movie, a good television show rewritten [and ruined] as a movie, a remake of a beloved 80s film, or a retread of a 25-year-old horror flick.
That alone makes it worth the Netflix add (or, in my case, Blockbuster Online).
Posted by: juliagulia at February 23, 2007 7:02 PM
I liked it well enough,Jim Carrey gives good creepy. My husband and I are seeing the number 23 everywhere now (must have been the sum of over half the license plates we saw on the way home), which is sort of a fun game but I can really see how it might drive a person mad. Oh, and Virginia Madsen has great legs.
Posted by: Jen at February 23, 2007 7:39 PM
Why the fuck do the studios continue to give Joel Schumacher directing gigs? He must suck a mean cock!
Posted by: AntBee at February 23, 2007 7:45 PM
Thank you, Pajiba, for allowing us to metaphorically check the the box score the next day.
Posted by: SV at February 23, 2007 9:07 PM
Okay, I have no choice but to see this movie. It's a Discordian thing. But sitting in the back and laughing at the fact that they've got it all wrong probably counts as the closest thing to a sacrament we get. I already see the number 23 everywhere, but the difference is that I'm not pretentious about it.
Eris damn you, Schumacher! Now my main religious diversion is sullied with red herrings and guys named Walter!
Posted by: Kallisti! at February 23, 2007 9:24 PM
I saw the preview before Children of Men, and I was sort of excited. I thought it would be a Fight Club kind of movie, with a crazy twist ending and some weird mythology thrown in the middle. So Im getting more interested in the preview, thinking "Sweet, I'll see that when it comes out". Then suddenly....there was Joel Schumacher...and my excitement drained out of me like water out of James Brown's hot tub (how's THAT for an Eddie Murphy reference!).
Basically, Schumacher is to enthusiam what Haggis is to scripts.
Posted by: Dana at February 23, 2007 10:22 PM
A dog catcher? You've got to be kidding me.
You know, when I first saw the previews to this, I thought, "Hmm, this looks like a bad version of Stranger Than Fiction." But I guess I was wrong, not that it matters.
At least Virginia Madsen is getting some work finally. I kind of like her.
Posted by: zadzi at February 23, 2007 11:28 PM
...Oh, jesus. Schumacher.
Damn, that was a good laugh. Thanks, Mara
Posted by: Vermillion at February 24, 2007 12:18 AM
Wow, an 8% at rottentomatoes! It's even worse than Norbit? Only 4% less-hated than Epic Movie? Wow. It's really that bad?
Posted by: juliagulia at February 24, 2007 2:21 AM
(I meant, 6% less-hated. Lest anyone think Epic Movie has risen from 2% to 4%.)
Also, I apologize for the mentioning of RT, but Pajiba's always my first stop, RT my second.
Posted by: jg at February 24, 2007 2:24 AM
I'm glad you paid out on Identity. Man that was a terrible, terrible movie.
Posted by: rocky at February 24, 2007 3:03 AM
*cries and hides in shame* I loved Identity. And I was told the ending before I even saw it.
The only thing I did not care for was Amanda Peet. "I saw what happened! We all saw what happened!" I laughed every time the preview showed.
I've checked out all the "Coming Soon" stuff and there is honestly nothing worthwhile until May. Chin up, reviewers.
Posted by: Razorburn at February 24, 2007 3:32 AM
Oh Jim Carry, you make me sad. Why won't you star in another Truman Show?
Posted by: MKane at February 24, 2007 4:10 AM
Now my main religious diversion is sullied with red herrings and guys named Walter!
BAHAHA XD
That was fantastic.
Posted by: the hel at February 24, 2007 4:32 AM
I'd love to read your full review of "Identity" -- I searched and realized there isn't one here. Any chance of a look back (in anger)?
Posted by: Louise at February 24, 2007 7:58 AM
"Written by Topsy Kretts (Top Secrets -- ha!)"
You're fucking joking. How LAME!!
Posted by: Loob at February 24, 2007 10:01 AM
Jim should stick to comedies man.
Posted by: Jean at February 24, 2007 10:30 AM
don't look back in anger, louise.
i find jim carrey very likeable as an actor, but this is some ridiculous shit. i hate movies like this that are so lame, yet so relentlessly SERIOUS. that's just asking for trouble.
Posted by: susan at February 24, 2007 12:27 PM
No intention of seeing this. I can barely tolerate the sight and sound of Carrey in a comedy -- I know better than to subject myself to his pallid attempts at breaking into acting.
Regarding Identity... I have only one test of time when it comes to films; If I can remember the story a year later, it didn't completely suck.
The only thing I remember about Identity,/I> is the cast, the fact that people kept dying and that it took place at a motel and it was raining.
NO memory of the plot or the resolution. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Bubkes. Goose egg.
Must have sucked.
(I apply the same test to novels: canot TELL you how often I buy a paperback and realise about a third into it that I have read it before. But only because of vague hints and that SENSE that I have read it before. Some authors -- especially James Patterson and Patricia Cornwell -- who have long-running characters and are approaching the 20th novel featuring those characters... invariably lost their mojo around the 7th novel, leaving those of us who LIKED those first 7 in the wretched position of discovering that we are stupid enough to keep trying, buying the books long after we should have given up on their pablum.)
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at February 24, 2007 2:32 PM
Seriously....the Topsy Kretts thing alone killed even the tiniest amounts of credibility or interest for this movie.
Posted by: Alex at February 24, 2007 2:40 PM
I've noticed that Jim Carrey always wears his hair longer for 'serious' roles, as if the extra will somehow add weight to his acting.
Posted by: jules at February 24, 2007 3:09 PM
Reminds me of Secret Window, actually (assuming I guessed the twist correctly).
I kind of liked Identity. Wouldn't call it great but I was entertained, and yes, surprised by the ending. Then again I rarely watch suspense, horror, or thrillers, so maybe what is predictable and cliche to others isn't to me.
Posted by: Ari at February 24, 2007 4:18 PM
Oh, come on, folks, NO props to Carrey for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? What does he have to do to prove himself to you poeple? Christ, if he was like half the comedic actors out there we'd have already been subject to Ace Ventura 12: The Search for My Credibility in My Own Anus. But we haven't, have we? Give the man a nod for trying.
That said, he should have known better than to sign on with Shumacher, so I'll be skipping this one. Shumacher must never be forgiven for the articulated nipples of George Clooney's Batman. For shame.
Posted by: Tammy at February 24, 2007 6:13 PM
I'm with you, Tammy. I don't like Carrey in anything except for Eternal Sunshine (which is a truly amazing movie). I can't handle his mania in his comedies, but I had hoped that 23 would be another role like that for him. What a waste.
That being said, I can't wait for 23 to be on TV! Sounds like the perfect movie for a rainy Saturday afternoon when you have NOTHING else to watch except for marathon reruns of Top Design on Bravo. Watching this movie beats Todd Oldham's wooden delivery any day. Oh, wait - that sounds like anything else that airs on TV.
Can you tell how disappointed I am in Bravo for that show??? I can't stop thinking about it. Why doesn't Top Design match up to Project Runway or Top Chef? WHY? WHY????
Ahem...Sorry about the tangent...
Posted by: Jko at February 24, 2007 7:44 PM
Looking back, every single Shumacher film I've seen involved this scenario: a bunch of girls in a dorm room improvising drinks with whatever they could find (country time lemonade mix and popov! oh so tasty....), a TV sitting on top of a cardboard box, and eventual vomiting. Based on this, I'm going to have to say this review is probably right on the money.
Posted by: sheshakes at February 24, 2007 8:14 PM
This is the 23rd review I've read of this film. All 23 agree it sucks.
Hmmm!
Posted by: Kathy at February 24, 2007 8:17 PM
so did Jim talk out of his ass in this movie too? or did he just pull a red herring out of Agatha's ass? ass-fixation anyone?
Posted by: celia at February 25, 2007 11:58 AM
So I saw the long hair in the preview and thought for a moment it was my beloved James Callis (Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica). And then I saw Carrey's name in the credits...no way.
Posted by: bonnie at February 25, 2007 1:29 PM
"James Callis"--Bonnie, what is it about that man? How on earth (or how on the Galactica itself) could I find that weasely-marmott character attractive? But there's something about long near-auburn hair and that tight little body...
Um, back to reading Cassian's "Conferences" before I grind to a halt. Temperance and discernment. Right!
Posted by: ranylt at February 25, 2007 3:57 PM
very mild spoilers ahead.
I haven't been a Jim Carrey fan since being grossed out by Ace Ventura 2 but my curiosity was piqued with this movie. That is, until I saw Carrey on the Jay Leno show promoting it. They showed a clip where he's in his SUV with his wife and son and has a very, very tense game of chicken with a dog. Complete with an intense zoom in of both Carrey's face and the dog's eyes, I hadn't laughed harder in days.
No, will not be wasting my money on this.
Posted by: bmg at February 25, 2007 5:22 PM
I saw the movie and I have to say it is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. I think its worth seeing just because its so absurd. All those outrageous conclusions
JIM CARREY: "So what is 23...(looks up at stained glass window of the Virgin Mary)... GOD?".............
LOL I cracked up ........oh and everythings red....real subtle....lol
The Number 23...a comedy classic....
Posted by: Dave at February 25, 2007 5:30 PM
Ranylt...I know! For frak's sake, I love Baltar and I shouldn't. But, I always have flashbacks from Bridget Jones's Diary, where Callis plays hot friend Tom (who is of course gay) with impeccable style and short hair. Yum.
Too bad it really isn't him in the movie. I might see actually sit through the crappiness of it.
Posted by: bonnie at February 25, 2007 5:38 PM
I blame Robert Anton Wilson for this.
Actually, no, I don't, because the point of The Illuminatus! Trilogy is that you can find the number 23 everywhere because you can find any number everywhere if you look hard enough, and any belief system purporting to impose a pattern on the world is equally artificial. But no, what you end up with is people who read half of the Illuminatus! book-jacket, did some half-hearted Googling, and decided that #23 has MYSTIKAL POWERZ, and this movie is what happens.
Posted by: Elizabeth at February 25, 2007 8:43 PM
I laughed during the trailer too... I got some mean looks in my direction though :( Not my fault that I had my junk-detector on :(
Posted by: AD at February 26, 2007 1:36 AM
But what about all those idiots that say deaths come in threes?
Posted by: Darius Lesgettam at February 26, 2007 5:17 AM
I haven't seen all of Joel Schumacher's films, but one of his best (maybe THE best) was Tigerland. The Client and A Time To Kill were pretty good also, but I'm a Grisham fan, so maybe I'm biased. At least those two weren't botched up like The Firm, The Pelican Brief and The Chamber.
I thought Tigerland was a really good film and probably the best work Colin Farrell has done so far. If you haven't seen it, I'd highly recommend it.
Posted by: RAT at February 26, 2007 8:29 AM
Schumacher has actually made a bunch of good movies, people. Give him a little credit. Here's a list off the top of my head:
The Lost Boys
End of fucking list.
Posted by: TK at February 26, 2007 10:16 AM
The Lost Boys? i had no idea! Now that explains everything!
Posted by: paris at February 26, 2007 12:56 PM
TK- BWAHHAHAH!!!!! thank you.
Posted by: Go Big Red at February 26, 2007 2:12 PM
I just can't look at this guy seriously and not laugh. It'd be like if Seinfeld was in a horror.
Bob Hasko
www.TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts
Posted by: TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts at February 26, 2007 3:58 PM
Number 23 is lucky that Reno 911 was ri-dunk-ulously packed or I don't even think I would have seen it.
It's just a weird ass movie. Jim Carrey did a good enough job of being creepy... but I kept on thinking back to his character in Lemony Snicket's, but without the "funny".
It was boring movie, I'll admit... at times I wanted to gouge my eyes out. My friend fell asleep more than once, I think...
I just so wanted it to be better... Team Jim? Anyone? Anyone?
*quietly hangs her head in shame*
Posted by: T at February 26, 2007 6:17 PM
'...the point of The Illuminatus! Trilogy is that you can find the number 23 everywhere because you can find any number everywhere if you look hard enough, and any belief system purporting to impose a pattern on the world is equally artificial...'
Sorry, Elizabeth, that's just what the Discordians want you to think
Posted by: pajibill at February 26, 2007 8:03 PM
"He must suck a mean cock!"
Hot damn, is that all it takes nowadays? Hollywood, here I come!
"But what about all those idiots that say deaths come in threes?"
You, sir, obviously don't hang around ONTD enough.
I'm just disappointed (in my own little way) that the movie didn't gross 23 million. That would've been nifty. ..and sad.
Posted by: Mara at February 27, 2007 8:57 AM
I'm still reeling over the awesomely mixed metaphors in this review, and am left with the mental image of somebody pulling a red herring out of his ass, dipping it in a pat of butter, and slamming it down on a table. Or perhaps I misunderstood...
Posted by: AM at February 23, 2007 6:35 PM
Funniest. Forking. Comment. EVER. Made my day.
Posted by: that bees chick at February 27, 2007 1:38 PM
I will probably rent this because I like weird stories. I loved Identity because I saw it the day before my birthday -May 10th. and when they all said "MY birthday is May 10th!" I got chills. And I didn't figure out the twist ending.
Posted by: Joy at February 28, 2007 12:15 PM
Hey Manny, Did you know that you posted on the 23rd of Feb. bwahahahahah..........
Posted by: ANN at March 7, 2007 1:25 AM
Before some of you put down the fact that he was a dog catcher, try seeing the movie. This reveiw is way off target. It is a great movie, and if you see it then you will understand why he is a dog catcher in the first place. I guess small minded people just can't understand things sometimes.
Posted by: DRL23 at March 14, 2007 9:59 AM
Saw this movie. Lol
Jim Carrey in Snakes on the number 23 plane.
One of the funniest horror movies ever! Its crap from the outset, and the ending will leave you feeling cheated that you PAID MONEY to see it!
Left me with a warming sense of complete, whilst hilarious, disatisfaction.
Posted by: BigDave at March 16, 2007 8:10 AM
Oh, and the best line from the film is:
"Do you know what my favourite colour is? Pink. Do you what pink is? Red and White. The number for red is 92. Whats 92 divided by the number of letters in pink? IT'S 20 FUCKING 3!!"
LOL, PMSL, everyone in the cinema started laughing when that line was said.
Posted by: BigDave at March 16, 2007 8:13 AM
This movie sucked so bad. Nothing surprising there. A movie ABOUT A NUMBER can be nothing else but bad. Numbers are boring. And why the hell does everyone write on walls in this stupid flick? Is it supposed to scare us more than writing on paper? This is a fucking joke and a complete waste of time and money.
Posted by: Chris at March 25, 2007 10:05 AM
If you believe that Good Charlotte, Green Day, Sum 41, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Blink 182, and Simple Plan are emotional in any way, then you have absolutely no right to bad mouth this movie because if you, like the masses, think that these bands are worthwhile then your ability to read what is and what is not pretentious went out the window A LONG TIM AGO!!!
Posted by: Russ Welsh at May 2, 2007 1:26 PM
