Pajiba

I would hate to see the above pictured "Nightmare Before Christmas" done in live-action with Owen Wilson as Jack, Reese Witherspoon as Sally, and Tyler Perry as Oogie Boogie (because Tyler Perry has not Soul or soul). Or anything from my childhood with anyone from Grey's Anatomy.

this week i saw madonna + casablanca staring back at me in a reflection pool of vomit. additional headache for perez hilton mega swooning over the rumor. the whole thing makes me want to rip my veins out and strangle myself with them.

First one that comes to mind is a remake of To Kill a Mockingbird.

-Adapted screenplay by Nora Ephron.
-Directed with no depth and all cheese by Chris Columbus.
-Starring someone devoid of the dignity of Gregory Peck...like Tom Cruise.
-Scout played by Dakota Fanning.

This idea opens up a whole universe of nightmares...

But okay, off the top of my head: Any of Terry Pratchett's books, because I love them. With the following horribly miscast cast:

Nicolas Cage as Rincewind
Michael Caine as Ridcully
Lindsay Lohan as Susan
Arnold Schwarzetc. as Sam Vimes
Jennifer Aniston as Lady Sybil Vimes
Brad Pitt as Captain Carrot
Goldie Hawn as Granny Weatherwax
Lucy Liu as Nanny Ogg

Now I'm going to have nightmares tonight. Fuck you guys.

"I am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe, adapted by Mr.Wolfe himself along with Paul Haggis, with Jessica Alba in the title role and Jonah Hill in the role of the over-looked "best friend" who just wants to nail her and gets walked all over in the process. Oh, and that Brody Jenner guy I saw once in "The Hills" as the frat boy who deflowers our virtuous title character under the guise of real love.

Jesus wept, but I hated that book SO MUCH, but once I started reading it I couldn't stop. Tom Wolfe's butchering of the experience of being a young woman in college combined with Haggis's emotionally stunted views of... everything would be especially fitting and unholy.

Well, at least one of my nightmares is becoming a reality in the form of "The Time Traveller's Wife" movie. That being said, I'd have to say Uwe Boll producing "American Gods", with Mel Gibson directing and playing Wednesday. Nicholas Cage would play Shadow, and Scarlett Johannson would be Laura. Blech.

Other than that fake Legend of Zelda trailer that came out yesterday that had me reaching for my noose-tyin' rope? Cause I was whimpering "Oh god, let this be fake.." throughout the entire thing.

Dante's Divine Comedy, set as a trilogy. Directed by Mel Gibson. Starring Mel Gibson as Dante. Scarlett Johannson as Beatrice. Virgil would offer Morgan Freeman-style platitudes.
The soundtrack would feature a heartrending ballad by Celine Dion.

"...Any of Terry Pratchett's books, because I love them. With the following horribly miscast cast:..."

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

[holding hands to sides of head]

LALALALALALA...I can't hear you....[sobbing]...please...godtopus, no....

So, I just wrote this big thing about how I wouldn't want Neverwhere to be made into a movie. Then I got on wikipedia and found out that already has been and apparently they slaughtered it. *sigh* Recap:

My whole deal was that some dumb American director would get the script, and rewrite it to take place in NY or LA. Then hire a bunch of "hot" american "actresses" like Paris Hilton and Rainbow Killer to be the Velvets with Lamia being played by Scarlett Johanson. That guy from the Matrix is Mr. Vandemar and someone ill-fitted like Jack Black playing Mr. Croup. Door would be played by little miss preggers herself Elle Fanning. They would cast Milla Jovovich as Hunter, because she's nice to look at and we're used to seeing her in the ass kicking role. Richard would probably be played by Tom Cruise. The Marquis would be played by Nicolas Cage.

That's it, I'm done. I refuse to think about this any longer.

Things Fall Apart directed by Tyler Perry, with a screenplay adapted by Paul Haggis, although Edward Norton would probably say he wrote it. Starring Sinbad.

Actually, no matter who made it, they would likely ruin it.

"Requiem for a Dream." Carrot Top and Tara Reid would be the leads.

An adaptatin of the "Thursday Next" books by Jasper Fforde with Lindsey Lohan as Thursday, Colin Farrel as Landen, a score by the guy who scored Ladyhawke and directed by anyone associated with the Movie Movies. Luckily none of those people will have read the books.

Singin in the Rain (hands down the best movie musical EVER)


- Channing Tatum as Don Lockwood

- Jim Carrey as Cosmo Brown

- Renee "Face!" Zellweger as Kathy Selden

- Cameron Diaz as Lena "she can't sing, she can't dance, and she can't act -- a triple threat" Lamont



"People! I ain't people! I am a... a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament. Says so. Right there [points]."

Funny how Jerce did Terry Pratchett, I did Neil Gaiman, and we both cast Nicolas Cage in our nightmare cast.

It'll be okay Shadows, this is all just a sick, cruel joke.

Julie - your remake of To Kill A Mockingbird might convince me to take my own life if it ever actually happened.

I've actually played a fun variation of this game that involves putting a copy of The Royal Tenenbaums on and replacing the pivotal soundtrack moments with truly terrible music.

For instance, if you love the "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard Scene" with Royal and his grandsons, you'll love it even more when "Who Let the Dogs Out?" plays under their antics.

Or better yet, if you ever thought the scene with Margot and Ritchie in the tent seemed dated with the Stones one-two punch in the background, try "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman" by Britney Spears... problem solved.

Some iconic scenes (Margot getting off the bus, "Needle in the Hay") I've actually blocked out what I did to them, it was so scarring... nothing, however, topped replacing Van Morrison over that signature Wes Anderson slow motion ending with "All Star"... words can't describe the mixture of laughter and tears that ensued.

Six comments into a diversion and no sign of BarbadoSlim? Someone needs to start checking the local hospitals.

Jack Black playing Mr. Croup

No no no no no no no! Although...I kind of think that Hugo Weaving would make an interesting Vandemar. He has a villainy voice.

Ooh, I have another: An adaptation of my beloved Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.

-written by Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy
-starring Myers as Joshua and Murphy as Biff, Balthazar, one of the prostitutes, someone fat, and the yak.
-with Jessica Simpson as Mary Magdalene
-directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans

Middlesex
Directed by: Brett Ratner
Starring Dakota Fanning as Calliope
Drake Bell as Chapter 11
Eddie Murphy as: Cal's mother/father/grandmother/grandfather and the gay, Jewish, Buddist Old woman with no legs.
Screenplay by: Akiva Goldschmitt
Soundtrack by Olivia Newton John.

Oh, Kris, though I half heartedly agree with your predictions that Time Traveler's Wife will be very bad, I'm still hoping Mcadams and Bana respect the source material. Who did you have in mind anyway? I thought of Lauren Ambrose as Claire, Peter Sarsgard as Henry, directed by Michel Gondry.

It kind of already happened. My favorite book is "The White Boy Shuffle" by Paul Beatty. Fantastic. Years ago it was bought (but thank God, yet to be made) by Will Smith and (huh?) Ryan Phillipe.

Luckily it's about young men, so Smith can't cast himself, and there are no white men, so Phillippe can't frown his way through it either. I just pray that no one ever decides that this would be a great first vehicle for Soulja Boy...

My worst nightmare is already being realized with Mena Suvari portraying Catherine from Hemingway's "The Garden of Eden."

Sigh.

Thejodester, Singing in the Rain is one of my all-time favorite movies, and your adaptation made me want to set you on fire. Bad. So very very very bad.

We would have to shift tim here a little bit...but...

A live-action adaptation of Calvin and Hobbes:

The little douchebag who played pod-racing Anakin Skywalker - Jake Lloyd (back when he was a shitty little kid)

Tom Green as Hobbes

it would inevitably be directed by the same dickhole that made Garfield.

Julie ack!!! You thought I was bad. Jessica Simpson as Mary?! *crosses self* Ye be spawned by Satan himself.

I second the "Legend of Zelda" fear. If they translate my favorite game of all time into THAT abortion of a movie...I...well...I'll be pissed.

Sorry Julie!

I'm close to setting myself on fire for even imagining such an atrocity. Perhaps a complimentary Yuengling at the neighborhood dive bar will be sufficient to make amends?

"Although...I kind of think that Hugo Weaving would make an interesting Vandemar. He has a villainy voice."

In my universe, Hugo Weaving can do no wrong. I've loved him since Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Oh, and Kamikaze... Middlesex with Dakota Fanning? You just made me cry.

PissBoy, NOOOOOOO!!! The first commandment should read "thou shalt not movie molest my Calvin and Hobbes."

PissBoy - Forget my suggestion, that is the ultimate travesty. No one should ever attempt to go anywhere near Calvin and Hobbes.

Perhaps a complimentary Yuengling at the neighborhood dive bar will be sufficient to make amends?

Oh we will, and you're buying :p

PissBoy....

no no no no no no no!
This cannot EVER happen!
I swear movie execs have spys in these types of threads to pick up what we call horrible ideas to later be made into (unfortunaly) blockbuster movies

if they even THINK about touching my Calvin and Hobbes I will do one better than TK and his blowing up the internet, I will send the whole of Hollywood to oblivion..

I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight...

A remake of The Wizard of Oz set in present day L.A. and directed by Brett Ratner. Maybe even have the script updated by Diablo Cody.
Dorothy - Lindsey Lohan
Tinman - Owen Wilson
Wicked Witch - Sarah Jessica Parker (hee hee)
The Wizard - Hugh Grant
Cowardly Lion - James Gandolfini
Scarecrow - Matthew Lillard
Flying Monkeys - Olsen Twins

Fabulous comment thread. Truly fabulous. Oh, there are so many, but here's a few:

Wallace Stegner's "Crossing to Safety" with Gwynnie playing Charity

"The News from Paraguay" adapted to film, because I fucking hated that book and because Lily Tuck, who didn't even VISIT Paraguay while writing the book, shouldn't surface ever again

"A Confederacy of Dunces" with Seth Rogen as Ignatius and Natalie Portman as Myrna

A Rita Moreno biopic with J. Lo at the helm...BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE'S THOUGHT OF IT ALREADY

Julie,

At $1 a bottle, I think I can afford to be generous.

Hollywood already fucked over one of my favorite books, The Haunting of Hill House with that vomitous and dreadfully miscast (as much as I love Lili Taylor) 1999 remake. I broke out in cold sweats in the middle of it, such was the nightmare.

Right now, I'd say my nightmare vision is how miserably WRONG Hollywood's going to get World War Z. Was it Brad Pitt's production company that bought the rights? The novel is way too sprawling to condense properly into a film without losing a lot of Brook's creepy ass imagery and his even creepier social commentary. Plus, I get the shakes wondering what character would be written specifically as a vehicle for Angelina. Barf, Barf.

Remaking A Clockwork Orange w/ Cillian Murphy as Alex DeLarge. I have a bad feeling that this will be happening in the near future.

It's nothing against Cillian; I love his work and he could probably do a good job...just not that movie. Clockwork is sacred. It doesn't matter who directs it (and that includes the good directors like Christopher Nolan, Scorcese, etc) it wouldn't be the same.

Oh, Hollywood, don't remake A Clockwork Orange. Please! Just leave it alone!

A Tale of Two Cities

Screenplay by Joe Eszterhas

Directed by Uwe Boll

Starring Tara Reid as Lucie

Chris Klein as Charles Darnay

Mike Myers as lovable cockney Jerry Cruncher

The French Revolution has so much that could be made into torture-porn; I'm surprised Hollywood hasn't thought of it yet.

That would be a remake of Caseblanca. With a 50-year-old Madonna in the Ingrid Bergman role.

A Tale of Two Cities

Screenplay by Joe Eszterhas

Directed by Uwe Boll

Starring Tara Reid as Lucie

Chris Klein as Charles Darnay

Mike Myers as lovable cockney Jerry Cruncher

The French Revolution has so much that could be made into torture-porn; I'm surprised Hollywood hasn't thought of it yet.

Huh, I picked source material I hated and choose the director and stars that would only serve to light the bag of shit on fire. Everyone else seems to have picked source material they actually liked and then ruined it with the adapting part. So, take 2:

Catherine Called Birdy, one of my all time favorite childhood books, with Lindsey Lohan as Catherine, Ray Romano as her overbearing father, Zac Efron as her sheep-herding best friend, and Dan Fogler in an extended role as her husband to be. Oh, and add in a subplot about her being secretly in love with the sheep herder. Brilliance!

I need to go lie down now...

PissBoy: That truly is horrifying. If hollywood ever, I mean ever bastardized Calvin & Hobbes I would set fire to Hollywood, hunt down every person associated to making it and give them mad cow disease with my tainted Canadian beef....

oh yes, I went there.... MAD COW!!!

At $1 a bottle, I think I can afford to be generous.

That is true...I'm drinking TWENTY then.

A Rita Moreno biopic with J. Lo at the helm...BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE'S THOUGHT OF IT ALREADY

Hee! You know she did.

Let's remake Goonies!! (by me and my work friends, including TheJodester)

-Directed by Michael Bay (I had to throw him in there somewhere)
-Written by whomever the fuck did the live action Cat in the Hat

Starring:
Brand-Chad Michael Murray
Andie-Lindsay Lohan
Mikey-either Cole or Dylan Sprouse
Steph-Paris Hilton
Chunk-the kid from Two and a Half Men
Mouth-Corey Feldman, because sad face
Data-Mickey Rooney
Sloth-the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant

I would say Ender's Game, but sadly that's already in the works.

How about Alice in Wonderland directed by Andrew Adamson?

Alice: Dakota Fanning
The Mad Hatter: Robin Williams
Queen of Hearts: Wanda Sykes
The Du(t)chess: Fergie
The Mock Turtle: Nicholas Cage
The Cheshire Cat: Mike Myers

OK, you asked for it. Here it is, the biggie....

GONE WITH THE WIND

RHETT BUTLER----Tom Cruise

SCARLETT O'HARA----Katie Bot

ASHLEY WILKES----Cuba Gooding, Jr.

MELANIE WILKES---Renee Zellweger

JONAS WILKERSON----Nicolas Cage

MR. O'HARA----Jack Nicholson

MRS. O'HARA----Ellen Barkin

SUELLEN O'HARA---Cameron Diaz

CARREEN O'HARA--Lindsay Lohan

MAMMY---Queen Latifah

PRISSY---Tyler Perry

PORK---Eddie Murphy

BIG SAM---Morgan Freeman

JOHN WILKES---Owen Wilson

INDIA WILKES----Sarah Jessica Parker

Oh, and directed, written and produced by, and with a cameo by:

M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

My nightmare adaptation is already being realised by *effing* Wes Anderson and his decision to ruin my favourite Roald Dahl book The Fantastic Mr. Fox. George Clooney playing Mr. Fox? Just no.

My "Confederacy of Dunces" amended to add, in the alternative, Zach Braff in a fat suit as Ignatius

Live action Spongebob would hurt me in places I don't yet know I have.

"PRISSY---Tyler Perry"

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Brilliant!

Mary - in the category of small mercies, at least it's Wes Anderson. It could be in waaay worse hands...

Lamb (Gospel According to Biff) directed by M. Night Sham, starring Mischa Barton as Maggie, and Hayden Christianen, Maculay Culkin, and Nick Canon as Jesus, Biff, and John the Baptist. Throw in "Tatum Channing Tatum" as the Cynic, and have Joseph played by a hot pink Ugg boot. All three wisemen are John Malovich in different costumes, refusing to adapt an accent. Angelina Jolie (I love her, she's gorgeous, but still) as Mother Mary, with a heavy TombRaider accent and mucho cleavage.

*curls up in a corner in the fetal position, sucks her thumb, whimpers.

Dangle McGee: I would watch that, while incredibly drunk and love every goddamned minute of it. Seriously.

Aaaand I'm about to start ranting...

(If you've ever read the series I'm about to describe this could cause some form of stroke so I'm sorry. If you haven't read it: What the fuck is wrong with you? Get on it.)

My hell would be a franchised version of Tad Williams' Otherland books. Of course, they'd have to cut out all the indepth political sub-plots and a few major characters (Paul Jonas? What? He's not important. Oh he forms the entire emotional and moral backbone of the story you say? Well shit. The viewers won't care. And we don't want all that war and nightmare stuff. Very depressing and confusing!) and market it as a virtual reality romp. Best cut out the myriad literary references too - don't want them to go over the audience's head - best replace them with fart jokes. That'll do it.

Renie would be played by Halle Berry (natch) with !Xabbu tackled by one of our up and coming black thespians like.... Tyler Perry! Stunt cast Sharon Stone doing a bad french accent as Martine, Hayley Joel Osmett as Orlando (who cares that he's meant to be black? That osmett kid is waaay more marketable!) and...

*****SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER*******

Lindsay Lohan as Sam because who needs the sheer depth of emotion involved in falling for the best friend you made while pretending to be something you weren't and never being able to tell him when you can have a vacuous coked up whore? I sure don't!

****** END SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ******

Let's see Nic Cage and his finest overacting as Dread the nuanced and terrifying serial killer (ooh and Jessica Biel could play Dulcie - they had such chemistry in Next, we should recapture that!), Ellen as the gay detective Skuros chasing him (stunt casting! Yey! Also: like they could find the time to find someone actually Greek to play her - that's crazy talk). Cameron Diaz as Olga (cutting out that whole dismal "can't have children, driving motivations for investigating the freaky shit going on" malarky and making her twenty years younger). We'd round out the main cast with Katherine Heigl as Avialle aaaand Sellars played by the irrepressable Jack Nicholson.

Oh yeah and Dakota Motherfucking Fanning as Christabel.

Written by Paul Haggis (of course) and directed by Michael Bay.

I'm sorry, I just made myself weep tears of pure blood and bile. I should probably get that seen to.

Tabula Really? Ender's Game???

Ouch. I need some gin.

"All three wisemen are John Malovich in different costumes, refusing to adapt an accent."

Hahaha that just made me laugh out loud and cringe at the same time.

I would hate to see "The Time Traveler's Wife" get adapted into a movie poorly since it's one of the best written and most unique books I've read in a long time. I mean, I was on vacation and I still couldn't put it down to go touring! Now that's an engrossing book. Here's the nightmare cast:

Screenplay Adaptation: Amy Heckerling

Director: Michael Bay (because every time Henry time travels there should clearly be explosions)

Henry deTamble: Matthew McConaughey (yipe!)

Clare Abshire: Tara Reid (double yipe!)

The downstairs neighbor (it's been a while since I read the book, sorry): Lucy Liu

Henry's Dad: Jack Nicholson (love him, but not for this part)

Henry's Mom: Julie Andrews

I think, yes, I'm almost positive, that I've just given myself nightmares. I think I'll go and roll around on some poison porcupine quills to make myself feel better. *sob*

Oops - it's apparently already becoming a movie? I have to go and curl up into a miserable little ball now.

My nightmare film project would be a remake of Casablanca starring Madonna...oh, wait.

Oh, and:

AUNT PITTYPAT----Oprah Winfrey

BELLE WATLING----Jennifer Lopez

M. Night will play Bonnie Blue Butler

Alex the Odd: Maybe I should shop it around then. To one of the networks perhaps for a television movie? Maybe to Regency. Ooo! I know! Straight to DVD!

My nightmare:
The Brothers Karamazov, directed and written by Jeff Wadlow. Starring:

Jason Schwartzman as Ivan Karamazov
Zach Braff as Dmitri Karamazov
Orlando Bloom as Alyosha Karamazov
Scarlet (fucking) Johannsen as Katya
Chevy Chase as Fyodor Karamazov
Amy Winehouse as Stinking Lizaveta
Jessica Biel as Grushenka

Moses.
To take away the pain, I just have to say that were I ever to create my own adaptation of Brothers, Mackenzie Crook would be my first choice for Smerdyakov. I'm going to go die now.

American Skin
Screenplay by Paul Haggis
Directed by Judd Apatow

Alex- Justin Long
Tim- Jason Segel
Maria- Miley Cyrus
Narration by Henry Rollins

Even without knowing the source material, I guarantee this would call for an acid-enema for the viewer

Oh. I know this is my second post, but I have one that would disturb me more than Nightmare.
The Godfather with Gerard Butler as Michael, Vince Vaughn as Sonny, Ed Burns as Fredo, and Dane Cook as Tommy. Kay would be played by Jessica Simpson and Apollonia by Jessica Alba. Cap it off with The Don being played by Clooney. I hate smarmy people, as you can tell. Oh, I also hate overrated "hot chicks."

A Fish Called Wanda-

The wonderful comedy reimagined as an actual diamond heist film modeled after Ocean's Eleven, but without any grace, cool, or wit, and directed by Jerry Bruckheimer. Set in New York, and both the initial heist and airport climax will require lots of explosions and slow motion gunfights.

Wanda- Katherine Heigl (because every man wants her, right?)

Otto- Ben Stiller, doing his "I'm funny and crazy! Ain't I something?" schtick that makes me flee buildings.

Ken- Eddie Murphy (can you imagine his sensitive rendition of an animal lover with a stutter?)

Archie Leach- Nicholas Cage (it's not the first time Jerry has tried to pass him off as intelligent and lovable, to no avail)

Vince Vaughn as Sonny - I love it. I like Ed Burns as Fredo only because of what happens to Fredo.

I was going to say anything by Chris Bohjalian, but then I went to IMDB and saw that Midwives was done for TV in 2001. However, they did do a terrible job of casting. Sissy Spacek as Sybil? No offense to Spacek, but she was just too old for the role.

Honestly, I can't even come up with nightmare casting. But if anyone adapted and produced The Double Bind I think I'd just have to cry.

my nightmare is that everyone on pajiba starts being very very mean to each other

*SOB*

My nightmare remake is "Three Men In A Boat" by Jerome K. Jerome. It was remade for about the 4th or 5th time back in the 1970's starring Tim Curry and Michael Palin, and my nightmare is THAT I CAN'T FIND IT. It was good.

I'm sorry I have to desecrate another Chris Moore classic...I can't do anything worse to Lamb. Here's my constant waking nightmare about A Dirty Job.

Written/Adapted by: Ben Stiller
Directed by: Jay Roach

Starring!

Charlie Asher - Ben Stiller
Ray Macy - Owen Wilson
Lily - Scarlett Johanneson
Jane Asher - Jennifer Anniston
Minty Fresh - Damon Wayans
The Emperor - Tom Cruise
Mrs. Korjev - Eddie Murphy
Mrs. Ling - Micheal Myers
Alphonse Rivera - Vince Vaughan
Cassie - Christine Taylor
Macha - Paris Hilton
Nemain - Lindsay Lohan
Babd - Tara Reid

Just try to wrap your brain around that without it exploding.

okay, sorry I am late to respond to some of these....

Dingles: I think Tara Reid lives "Requiem for a Dream".

Jerce: Please say no one's going to mess with Terry Pratchett!!! That makes me hurt and go cold inside...

As for my nightmare movie, it goes off the topic of the Madonna/Casablanca remake, but stars the following:
Rick Blaine (Bogart) - Dane Cook
Ilsa Lund (Bergman) - Paris Hilton
Victor Lazlo - Nicholas Cage
Sam - Eddie Murphy

Just try to wrap your brain around that without it exploding.

:( I can't, Ms. Parker. Damon Wayans as Minty Fresh? That shit is just wrong.

Wow, Mrs. Parker. That's just...so horrible. I can't even wrap my head around that, and I will continue to live in fear that the film may one day be made.

Ms. Parker: You just made the Baby Jesus cry. I hope you're happy. That's just wrong. A Dirty Job was the first Christopher Moore book I read and remains my favourite.

Dangle McGee: Well you've got one guaranteed sale over here. Marvellous stuff. Straight to DVD seems to be your best bet. Just wait - in fifty years' time random indie hipster kids will be scrapping over the final copy in the bargain bin of their local cult DVD-or-whatever-the-kids-are-calling-it-nowerdays store.

Kate...I hate to do this to you but...I was at a Chris Bohjalian book reading a few weeks ago and he did say "The Double Bind" and "Before You Know Kindness" are both in development as "independant" movies.

Heehee, Julie and Bees Chick, Lamb totally sprung to mind for me, too!

"It'll be a hip young cast...the kids still dig that Zac Efron, don't they? Yeah, he'll be Jesus. And wouldn't Paris Hilton make a great Maggie, that hooker with a heart o' gold? We'll get that cut-up Jonah Hill to play Biff. OH! And Gwen Stefani's backup singers can play the Chinese harem girls! The three wise men? Well, Mike Myers was great as the love guru, and he's VERY versatile..."

*shudder*

dammitjanet wins.

Oh, Ms. Parker, that really is atrocious!

Ugh, imagine what they could do to Fluke...fuck... the CGI effects they'd require, it screams Lucasfilms, god help us all... Peter Jackson, if we're "lucky"...*ack*

Oh poor Pea, it's only a nightmare! If anyone even had the gall to adapt such a complex tale to the big screen, at least have the decency not to look over my casting horrors!
If anything, I think either John Cameron Mitchell or Sofia Coppola would be suited to do the film, but it would have to be done right!

All right, I got two - the first - which may or may not be in the works (I think it might have been a couple years ago) is "Preacher" (Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon). If memory serves correct, Affleck had his goddamed mitts on it... My friends, I wept blood for a week when I heard that... I think Affleck had the notion of casting James Marsden as Jesse Custer and had that actually happened, there wouldnta been no "Gone, Baby, Gone" or "Enchanted" nods at the Oscars this year, cause those sambatches woulda been attacked by me & my lawnmower...

The other one (which again, may have been in the works at one time or another) is Stephen King's "The Long Walk"... I could so see this greenlit and cast with a bunch of fucking... I dunno, just like... "High School Musical" cast members and Paul Walker and Haley Joel Vomit and Aerosmith title track and just... GAAH, YOU BASTARDS NEED TO LEAVE THESE THINGS WE HOLD PRECIOUS ALONE!! WHY ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS, TAKING THE STUFF WE LOVE AND SAYING HOW IT COULD BE FUCKED UP IN THE MOST CRAPTACULAR WAY IMAGINABLE? YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME SUIT LURKING AROUND HERE, WITH ONE HAND ON HIS BLACKBERRY AND THE OTHER DOWN HIS FRIGGIN' BRITCHES SAYING "Oh, yeah, this shit's gold"...

Imagine a mentally-challenged baby getting punched in the face. Got it? Disturbing, isn't it? That's how I'll feel if someone sharts on my dreams...

I almost cried when I heard they were adapting Neverwhere into a film. Stardust turned out relatively well, but I think it is overly-optimistic to hope that Neverwhere won't end up a steaming pile of shit.
My personal picks for nightmare casting:
Lohan as Door
Paul Walker as Richard
Angelina Jolie as Hunter
And anybody as the Marquis

Nausea, by John-Paul Sartre

Screenplay written and film directed by Oliver Stone

Cast:

Antoine Roquentin - Keanu Reaves
Anny - Gwyneth Paltrow
The Self-Taught Man - Robin Williams
The Corsican - Al Pacino
Francoise - Cameron Diaz
Madelaine - Scarlet Johansson

I'm just overall dreading "The Time Traveller's Wife" movie because it won't matter who's in it, it won't matter who's directing, the film translation just cannot possibly be as beautiful as the book itself.

These are all too horrific to contemplate. Hollywood can't even adapt other films much less take anything that requires them more than two minutes to read. I haven't been able to watch Atonement since little miss one expression ruined Pride and Prejudice for me. Granted, Jane Austen books are fluff, but they are damn good funny fluff

My own personal hell? They already accomplished that when they tarnished Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe. For future hell, how about Hamlet done with the cast of highschool music. Yeah, how do you like them apples ... "Horatio, dude, like totally my dad died and I am soooo bummed ... "

An Adaptation of Christopher Moore's A Dirty Job (Squee!)
Directed by Peter Jackson (Okay, not so Squee)
Nicolas Cage as Charlie (Hmmm...Not Squee at all)
Eddie Murphy as Minty Fresh (Oh God, no)
Ashlee Simpson as Lily (Oh Lord, why have you forsaken me?)
Britney, Paris and Lindsay as the Morrigans (Fuck it, there is no God)
Cameron Diaz as Audry (Goodbye, cruel world)
Rob Schneider as Riviera (*sticks gun in mouth*)
Soundtrack by Nickelback (*Boom*)

Genny (also Rusty):

The only way that could be better (worse?) is if Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage was cast as her uncle George--the one she has a secret crush on.

And I thought no one else ever read Catherine, Called Birdy.

shelleyh, I wish I could say that I'm surprised. I guess the only hope is that maybe they'll remain independents, and retain some heart.

Neverwhere was written as a tv show before it became a book...

either a Confederacy of Dunces written and directed by Haggis, produced by Lorenzo, and starring Mike Myers as Ignatius Tara Reid as Myrna, and Meryl Streep as Irene Reilly.

or
any remake of King Kong...oh, they did that already...my point is made.

The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann...
Apparently the Germans already molested my favorite novel on celluloid in 1982. The novel is too sprawling and philosophical to make a decent film, but given Mann's status in German lit, his works seem to certain ambitious filmmakers ripe for adaptation. That said, the following is my nightmare cast and adaptation team:

Director: Vincent Gallo
Writer: Jessica Bendinger (of Bring It On and First Daughter fame!)

Hans: Hayden Christensen
Clawdia: Katherine Heigl (I just made my own skin crawl)
Ludovico Settembrini: Paul Giamatti (cuz ya know, they have Italian last names)
Joachim: Dane Cook
Mynheer: Tom Cruise
Ziemsen: Ice Cube (yes! nothing says "I am allegory for duty" like the Cube)
Naphta: Keanu Reeves (I even have an inexplicable soft spot for Keanu, but this would be an insult to all of German lit)

There are about 20 other characters in the novel, but these are the most important and most potentially cringe-worthy.

I now to need to think of a proper cast/crew to wash the memory of this little exercise out of my mind...or a lobotomy

Julie - Yes the only thing worse would be if he was too busy they cast Marlon Wayans instead.

MO - Efron as Josh is soooooo wrong its not funny but I could handle Seth Rogan as Biff. I cannot imagine the horror of what they'd do to Fluke...or Practical Demonkeeping.

Alex the Odd - That's what I do...every once and a while I show up in the comments kick the Baby Jesus in the nuts and watch him cry.

Tabula Swift - Fear long and hard you know they'd make it if they felt it'd make money.

Since I don't think Bill Watterson would ever let Hollywood touch Calvin and Hobbes I'll go with A Tree Grows In Brooklyn:

Directed by Rob Reiner
Julia Roberts as Katie
Miley Cyrus as Francie
Spencer Breslin as Neeley
and I don't know who they'd cast as Johnny. Probably Robin Williams.

My favorite science fiction novel is Samuel R Delany's complex, erotic, time-warped social satire "Dhalgren"; it has been deemed 'unfilmable' by many people, fans & critics alike but I think that someday it would make a great miniseries on Showtime. Preferably directed by a tag team of Todd Haynes and Danny Boyle.

What I would not like to see is this sprawling story turned into a maximum 3-hour epic directed by the likes of Michael Bay or Oliver Stone --- or any other Hollywood hack -- who will surely downplay or outright remove the bisexual love triangle that comprises the book's main characters Kid, Lanya, & Denny, particularly since one of the guys is a 16 year old gang member. I know they definitely would reduce the two main gay characters (Tak and Bunny) to idiotic stereotypes, and pump up the creepy interracial obsessions of June & George.

The cast would probably be:

Keanu Reeves as Kid
Alison Hannigan as Lanya
the blond 'hero' (don't know his name, he played Timothy Bottoms' son) from Van Sant's "Elephant" as Denny (only he'll be a safer 18)
Will Ferrell as Tak
Sean Hayes as Bunny
Mary J Blige as Dragon Lady
Dianne Wiest (in brown-face) as Madame Brown
Jason Lee as John, the annoying hippie
various rappers as various Scorpions (the book's street gang)
Anthony Hopkins as Roger Calkins
Kirsten Dunst as June
Wesley Snipes as George

Oh yeah, and there would be a happy ending (***spoilers if you haven't read the book***)

The skies would clear up, Kid & Lanya would get married, Tak & Bunny would start dating, June & George would finally get together....

gag

ugh, all of these Moore and Gaiman casts are making me want to shove my head in a box full o' razor blades. So I'm making my own
The Stupidest Angel (My first Moore book that dragged me into the cult)

Lena Marquez- Jennifer Lopez or Jessica Alba, take your pick
Tucker Case- Owen Wilson
Dale/crazy zombie santa- Robin Williams (can't you just hear the voices?)
Roberto the fruit bat- Mary-Kate Olsen
Gabe/whale fucker- Jason Alexander
Molly Michon- fucking Madonna is all I can picture now. ugh.
Theo Crowe- Nicholas Cage. Why? No idea.
Raziel-Orlando Bloom

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Oh no, Mrs. Parker, no!!!! Hands off my Chris Moore!

Other than that, all I can offer is an attempt at movie-izing any of the Sandman Neil Gaiman comics. Other than wanted to try out for Delirium, it would be so, so awful.

Oh lordy, I could totally picture Owen Wilson as Tucker...and Madonna kind of looks the Molly part too...

Ms. Parker, I agree--Seth Rogan actually wouldn't be bad for Biff! Not sure who'd be Josh in the non-nightmare version (uhh, not Jim Caveizel, heehee!)

favorite of the above was Cam Diaz as Lina Lamont and that perfect quote from Singin' In the Rain. I can actually hear her uttering those lines in that strange fluttery singing voice of hers -- remember her belting out Bacharach in the karoke bar scene of My Best Friend's Wedding?

And I like Cameron Diaz!

beehive, given that George was a returning Crusader who sinks into an alcohol fueled depression I'm betting you could get those two actors to have a slap-fight for the role. Cage because he'll take anything that gets a young, hot thing to sweat his jock, and Cruise because he'd be convinced it was "meaty" and loves playing the hero.

Although I'm betting that Hollywood would prefer to drop the whole "incest" subplot and just have Catherine be secretly in love with the goat-herder. And it's going to drive me crazy that I can't remember his name.

God, I feel dirty just talking about this.

Jeremy-hee! Your squees and the subsequent lack of squees made me laugh.

Eeeheehee, or how about VeggieTales Presents: Lamb!

It's a fucking miracle that book hasn't been desecrated yet.

Now to finish my beautiful South African chardonnay....

KAY - neverwhere was a fabulous low-budget bbc series before it was a book, the book was based on the show (i haven't heard anything else about it being adapted to screen, and i hope i never will)

does everyone else lamenting the simple thought of an American Gods movie want to pool their money with me, so we can buy the film rights and ensure no movie is ever made?

Coming This Holiday Season!
From the team who brought you The Cat in the Hat
and High School Musical
The heart-warming classic beloved by generations
Now on the Big Screen for The First Time!

"A Charlie Brown Christmas!"

Zac Efron as Charlie Brown
Miley Cyrus as Lucy
Jessica Simpson as Peppermint Patty
Orlando Bloom as Pig Pen
and in the role he was born to play...
Ryan Seacrest as Linus
Starring Jim Carrey as Snoopy
Narration by Nicholas Cage
Musical score by John Tesh
Choreography by Paula Abdul
Featuring the new ballad "It's Just a Little Tree Called Love" sung by Mariah Carey and The Jonas Brothers

An Atlantic/Alliant production of a Michael Bay film
Directed by Micheal Bay
Script by Michael Bay and Paul Haggis

Set Design inspired by Thomas Kinkade, with limited edition ornaments and cards now on sale at your neighborhood Hallmark

Goethe's Faust, adapted by and starring Zach Braff (sorry, I love Scrubs, too) as the young Faust who listens to Coldplay and, in a moment of emo-tasticity, decides to make a deal with the devil in order to get back the girl he lost because he couldn't see how good he had it until it was gone. Not to worry - it turns out Satan has a soft spot for the poor girl's aunt, so our man Faust manages to strike a deal to win back his soul - and his ex-girlfriend! Also starring David Caruso as the older Faust (appearing in flash-forwards - non-linear time is deep, y'all), Robin Williams as Mephisto, and Elisha Cuthbert as Gretchen, with a cameo appearance by Raven Simone (in aging make-up - LOLZ!) as Gretchen's greedy, horny aunt Martha. All directed by Michael Bay - natürlich.

Beat that, bitches.

How about anything written by Dr. Seuss starring Jim Carey?

A remake/update of "Duck Soup" with Freedonia and its neighboring nation being thinly veiled allegories for the Palestinian/Israeli conflict.

As Groucho: Casey Affleck (all the one-liners are mumbled)

As Harpo: Vince Vaughn (who I'm sure would somehow manage to be sarcastic even as a whimsical mute)

As Chico: Tyler Perry as Madea (you thought those ethnic Italian jokes were funny the first time? Even better when a black man in a fat woman suit does it)

As Zeppo: Jack Nicholson (Zeppo never gets any lines of real importance so Nicholson would be chewing the scenery harder than ever trying to get people to pay attention to him)

As "that lady with the proper high class accent in every Marx Brothers film": Mary Kate Olsen....also providing her own wardrobe.

Directed by Kevin Smith, who digitally superimposes Silent Bob onto the flag of both nations and forces Casey Affleck to indistinctly mumble something that sounds like "Snoogins."

Reviewed on Pajiba by Dustin Rowles who inexplicably pronounces it a "great fucking film." I have no idea why he would say this, but given that he made such a statement about "Gone Baby Gone" the bar must be set pretty low for such praise.

"with a cameo appearance by Raven Simone (in aging make-up - LOLZ!) as Gretchen's greedy, horny aunt Martha,

Elfrieda, I may be in love with you.

funtime42 - if that actually goes into development, I'm holding you responsible... And wih all due respect, I'm gonna have to kick you in the hoohah...

Seconded...that lineup gave me waking night terrors

I would hate to see Paula by isabel Allende made in english or for that matter anything bye her and garcia marquez...i loathe what they did with house of spirit and love in the time of cholera

Edith Wharton's The Custom of the Country directed by Brett Ratner. Paris Hilton as Undine Spragg, Horatio Sans as Elmer Moffat, Hayden Christiansen as Ralph Marvell, and Dane Cook as Raymond De Chelles. Screenplay by Nora Ephron.

"...i loathe what they did with house of spirit..."

NDR, could this possibly be because The House of the Spirits is one of the worst goddamn books in the history of the universe? I haaate that book. HATE. I hate it like I hate coffee and ear infections and itchy jumpers and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and the song Horse With No Name. That book is worse than French silk pie.

Like I don't already have the screaming mimis because of Casablanca. And I guess I should have cast the Harold Angel...

A remake of The Wizard of Oz...
Dorothy - Lindsey Lohan
Tinman - Owen Wilson
Wicked Witch - Sarah Jessica Parker (hee hee)
The Wizard - Hugh Grant
Cowardly Lion - James Gandolfini
Scarecrow - Matthew Lillard
Flying Monkeys - Olsen Twins

You, sir or madam, are responsible not only for my not getting any sleep tonight.

You are also responsible for none of my neighbors within a half-mile radius getting any sleep tonight, because I CANT!
STOP!
SCREAMING!

I just hope you are pleased with yourself.

Elfrieda:

you served. That would truly make me want to curl up and die if ever produced. Even better, they could make it into a dark moody musical..

Jerce - you too, have earned yourself a spot on the HOO-HAH KICKAPOO 2008... I've always loved your comments, but sweet bleedin' moses, haven't any of you been listening?!

Somebody... ooh, I dunno who, but somebody here in this thread works for a movie corporation.,, I can feel it deep in my loins (aka - the soft spot in my crotch just left of my cornhole but about 3/16 of an inch behind my left scrote)... Elfrieda is it you? Ms. Parker, oh but you're a sly one aren't you? Very well... I shall grace my noggin' with my trusty tin-foil hat and await the apocolochips (I sooo spelleted that wrong, huh?)...

You randy bastards will be the end of it all...

man, I wish I had some cool way to sign off other than "I'm Melting"... or ... uh, "I'm not Quaid, I'm Houser"... or... fuck it, I'm dunfer...

By the way, Based on the photo above, the only movie "Madge" should be remaking is "Over The Top", where she takes over the role of Sly & tries to earn enough dough to get Lordes a goddam eyebrow waxing...

Elfrieda There's something wrong with you ... that ... that was just too wrong ... I feel my will to live fading ... I ... I can't breath ..

Sarina

Off topic, but I had to share in my HATE for the House of Spirits. When will people realise that Allende is a hack?

"Elfrieda is it you?"

As a matter of fact . . . we in the industry are already working on a sequel to Faust - Faust: The Sequel . . . Luckily Goethe already wrote it so all we have to do is put a man in a fat woman suit and we have INSTANT BOX OFFICE GOLD. Oh, and the part of Helena will be played by Paris Hilton. We are currently in negotiations with Dane Cook to play the role of Paris (but we have to change the name or else people will get confused b/c of Paris Hilton - duh!) and Ryan Seacrest has been angling for the part of the Homunculus, who is a lovable loser who finally gets his wish of becoming a real boy and losing his virginity at the school dance. I think Goethe would approve, no?

Uwe Boll's Jude the Obscure.
Starring:

Jude: Zac Efron
Sue: Lohan

From Gaiman's blog, he doesn't sound too unhappy about the original Neverwhere miniseries, and it predated the book. Also will somebody who is signed up for IMDB Pro tell me what it says about the 2009 Neverwhere casting? Gaiman doesn't seem that averse to movies of his stuff but he does seem to be very closely involved (which isn't bad, but also depends whether you liked Beowulf, I guess). DC and Warner already have rights to some of the Sandman stuff and I think they've been sitting on it for quite a while(yet again, damn you IMDB Pro).

Terry Pratchett, on the other hand, has had several miniseries made of his stuff in the UK, some animated, some not, and now I kind of want to see them (Christoper Lee as the voice of Death? Sean Astin anywhere? a surprising sprinkling of random actors I'm fond of = yay).

SO before you start worrying about either of those two authors, make sure it hasn't already been done, and possibly done well. Of course there's no guarantee that Hollywood wouldn't still do it badly, but I'm less worried about stuff with live authors involved.

That said, my fantasy nightmare already happened -
fucking Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett.

Hollywood needs to stay away from Jane Austen and let the BBC stick with its hit-and-miss productions. Pride and Prejudice '95 and the Emma with Kate Beckinsale have me rooting for the BBC. Keira (and Gwyneth's Emma) have me rooting against Hwood. Except Clueless, it gets a pass. Also possibly that Emma Thompson one, it's in my queue so I will know soon...

Oh God... So many to choose from. They already made a pretty crappy version of The Handmaid's Tale that I hardly knew existed for a long time. I still think a pretty good movie could be made from that book, though.

I fear for the adaptation of The Corrections. As far as I know, it's been in the works forever with Robert Zemeckis at the helm. Given his track record, he probably wants to animate the whole damn thing, though... It's been too long since I read the book to remember all the characters (I always kept thinking about who would be perfect for the roles... not who would suck), but I just hope they do a good job with it.

And I have faith enough in Rachel McAdams that I have no fear about The Time-Traveler's Wife. I didn't think it was the greatest book ever, but I'm excited to see how they handle it.

Also... if it ever happens. They better not fuck with Snow Crash.

A lot of the ones I thought of (Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett,[i] A Fish Called Wanda[/i], [i]The Eyre Affair[/i]) have already been covered, but I have two movie adaptations that would make me cry myself quietly to sleep for the remainder of my life.

[i]The Stranger[/i], by Albert Camus, adapted by David Lynch, directed by Uwe Boll, starring Keanu Reeves as Meursault, Jessica Alba as Marie Cardona, and Sean Bean as Raymond Sintes. Watch as an existentialist masterpiece is turned into a confused mash of symbolism, violence, and slow motion shots of Jessica Alba running around on the beach.

[i]Pied Piper[/i] by Nevil Shute, adapted by the idiots responsible for Cheaper by the Dozen, starring Robin Williams. It's a beautiful book which everyone should read, and it being reimagined as a family comedy is almost too painful to think about.

Also, the prevalence of Nick Cage in our Nightmare Films is cracking me up.

Ooooh, I know! The Bell Jar! Directed by Uwe Boll! With the Sylvia Plath character played by everyone's favorite dead eyed, baby voiced amateur porn star, Paris Hilton! Because no one can portray the nuances of the human condition quite like Napalm Vagina.

My nightmare is anyone or anything doing "Veronika Decides To Die" by Paulo Coelho (or anything by him for that matter).

And they are.

And Sarah Michelle Gellar is playing Veronika.

And now I have to go and drink battery acid.

Genny, the goat-herder's name is Perkin. And thank you for that horrible, horrible casting of Catherine called Birdy, for which i do not think I can forgive you. Ever.

Not trying to be clever here but:

The Black Dahlia directed by Brian De Palma and starring Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson

That really was my nightmare project and boy was I right, what a way to ruin a great novel.

Looking into the future, I fear the inevitable day we have to endure the Michael Bay produced remake of that horror "classic" Hostel... why does he hate us so?

Garth Ennis's hellblazer set in america with Keanu Reeves as John Constantine. No..wait..that's already been done.

Even worse: Sandman produced by the buggerlugs that savaged Northern lights and directed by almost anyone. Starring Tom cruise as dream, Li lohan as death, vin diesel as destruction, roseanne barr as despair, p hilton as desire and robin williams as fiddlers green. Rene Z and Calista F would creep in as extra siblings to replace the ones it was felt lower america 'wouldn't relate to'. The entire epic would be compressed into one film and marketed as a blockbusting family comedy.

does no one else strangely adore the idea of the olsens as flying monkeys?

Anne (in reno) the emma thompson adaptation of S&S is pretty fine.

Anne (In Reno) I agree with you on Hollywood and Austen. If you get a chance, watch BBC´s Persuasion, Ciarán Hinds as Captain Wentworth. Need I say more?

Sarina,

I too think that anyone attempting to make Things Fall Apart into a movie would fail miserably. Worst casting that I can think of:

Director: Tyler Perry
Okonkwo: Cuba Gooding Jr.

The rest of the characters are significantly important, but with those two helming it, the poor thing would crash and burn.

Loving these, in a sick & twisted "I hate Hollywood" kind of way!

I've seen both the Pratchett adaptations, and the only thing I can think to say about them is... meh. They weren't terrible, but I still imagine my own versions of the characters when I read them. The only really good things about them are the bizarre cameos from the author, and Death (played by Ian Richardson in Hogfather, and Christopher Lee in CoM).

Bit spooky that Richardson died shortly after completing Hogfather... perhaps his performance drew the attention of the anthropomorphic personification himself? ;)

Broken Flowers re-made into a quirky romantic comedy (Yesterday's Roses) starring the trangically bland Patrick Dempsey in Bill Murray's role of "Don Johnston".

In order to ensure that all the women are even more unidimensional than Dempsey, the parts will be stereotyped and recast accordingly:
The slut: Cameron Diaz
The Repressed Housewife: Jennifer Lopez
The Dog-whisperer: Anna Faris
The Biker-chick: Posh Spice-Beckham

Naturally, all this baby-talk and past-revisiting will make Patrick re-evaluate his life and his heretofore man-child view of marriage. He will return home (NYC of course!) and propose to the girlfried that left him at the beginning of the movie (played by Hills cross-over and pop sensation Heidi Montaug).

They'll discover that the letter about the son was actually meant for the actor, Don Johnson, and have a good laugh over how it brought them together. Fade to a clip show of the Dempsey/Montag nuptuals. Oh - who is that? It's Dempsey's old loves who have each found true love with one of Dempsey's diverse but equally stereotyped man-tourage. (Respectively, Larry the Cable Guy, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Adam Sandler, Rob Scheider) Everyone dances and sings as Don Johnson appears at the reception and covers "Baby Love" (originally by the Supremes).

And Scene.

Directed by Robert Luketic. Written by the "gifted" writers of "Two and a Half Men".
I predict at least $20mil for the opening weekend.

CATCHER IN THE RYE
Directed by Julie Taymor
Starring Jim Sturgess as Holden Caulfield
Evan Rachel Wood as Pheobe
and it's a musical.
people can rave about how it really captures the spirit of the 50s.
*shoots self*

Rosemary's Baby, directed by Michael Bay

Oh wait...it's already happening. Fuck me.

Let's go with Geek Love, adapted by Sylvestor Stalone, directed by Susan Stroman, done as a CGI epic with motion capture suits. That would be a nightmare, for sure.

The Seventh Seal directed by Guy Ritchie and starring Will Ferrell as Death and Vinnie Jones as the Knight.

Easy.

OLDBOY
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Starring Tom Hanks
and Ellen Page
Tom Hanks has been abducted and imprisoned in a room for fifteen years. He makes friends with a lamp and talks to it like its his best friend. One day, he is suddenly released, and meets beautiful chef Ellen Page. While looking for answers for the reason of his long imprisonment, they go through a magical journey of self discovery. He finally forgets about it and they live happily ever after.

Oh and bookwise the nightmare has begun. "The Lovely Bones" starring Marky fucking Mark. As the Dad! i cried salty tears at that book, but now it is sullied because of Dirk Diggler.

Jerce and Alex: I hate you both. If Hollywood rapes either Pratchett's books or the Otherland series, I will have to kill someone. Whether it would be myself or everyone involved in such travesties, I have yet to decide.

Cuno: I'm sorry. I personally kind of love you for having read the books and thus being able to share in my horror. If you go on a kill crazy spree please give me a shout - I'd love to join you.

Because seriously: Nic Cage as Dread. Can you imagine the pain? Can you?

I can. And after writing my post last night I spent an hour freaking myself out and then drunkenly ranting to my flatmates about it. They of course have never read the books so it was pretty much unintelligable. I think they may hate me now even more than you do. Yikes.

If you want real terror just imagine Cameron Diaz playing Susan Sto Helit. Screaming yet?

OK, one more for the road: Let's see...

How about Black Books: The Movie! starring Kiera Knightly as Fran, Ashton Kutcher as Manny and *drumroll please* Shia Le Bouf (or however the fuck his name is spelt) as Bernard.

Ta-dah! I may have just killed comedy. I want to cast Green Wing: The Movie! but I suspect I'd have jabbed out my own eyes before I finished it so it's probably best not to.

How about Black Books: The Movie!

Now you're gettin nasty, Belloq.

Don't go messing with Tamsin's image in my head. I'll give you a Bernard look for that. And who would take Pete Serafinowicz's role? I suppose in a halfway just world they'd give it to Will Arnett, but one probably wouldn't get off that easy.

Believe me Jay I wouldn't mess with the shrine of Black Books unless I absolutely had to and unfortunately this thread meant that I had to. When I grow up I'm going to be Fran, let's face it - I'm over half way there already. I just need to buy more scarves and start smoking.

Arnett is probably the only one who could begin to pull off that voice but there's no way in hell that we'd be allowed to get away with that...

He's a zany character, how about Will Ferrel?

My Nightmare project:

Zak Penn writing a poignant, but modernly sound adaptation of The Catcher in the Rye. Sent in present day we follow Holden Caulfield (the multi-talented, but all too soon forgotten Jonathan Lipnicki) as he has only 48 hours to track down his brothers killer and clean his name at Pencey Prep. His young sister Phoebe (beautifully portrayed by Dakota Fanning) is caught in the cross hairs. But something is amiss and his older brother D.B. (played by Zach Braff) is all that he seems.

With Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, and Will Ferell lending there voice talents for the "3 Ducks" at the pond, this is sure to be a Sunday afternoon at the cinema for everyone to enjoy.

Written by Zak Penn
Directed by Kevin Costner
Score by Black Eyed Peas, The Shins, and The Jonas Brothers (*who also cameo as the band in the nightclub).

This fall, prepare to Catch the Rye!

Alex: It was the mention of Cage as Dread that made me cringe in horror. Absolute horror. Though I am glad to find someone else who has actually read the books. I recc'ed it to my best friend and bothered her until she picked up the first book, but her opinion of it was, 'oh, this is another book about how the internet is bad'. I lost a little love for her then.

Cuno: Noooooo! But... But.. It allows Orlando a life he would have never been able to experience and... and... it's just fabulous. Everyone I try and foist it on to recoils at the size of it, this isn't made any better when they read the back the phrase "What do you mean 'the first volume'?!?!!" seems to feature heavily.

Luckily I have one friend who is a fellow Tad Williams freak. She's wonderfully patient and will willinglly spend hours discussing the evolution of characters between Shadowmarch and their original appearance (under different names) in Memory, Sorrow and Thorn. As if she didn't get enough pointless analysis from her students, like I said, she's patient. I maintain that Tad Williams is probably the best character writer I've come across. OK, now I sound like a fangirl so I'm going to stop.

Dread reamains one of my favourite characters in anything ever though.

I think all us Gaiman fans are pretty clear about the origins of Neverwhere. That said, I'm a much bigger fan of the book than of the miniseries, and I am positive Hollywood would shit all over it.

Three men in a boat starring those unattractive loud idiots from the American Pie series.

I want to throw up now.

wow, Bernard, your CATCHER actually sounds worse than mine. well played, sir.

CATCHER IN THE RYE
Slogan: "Fightin' Phonies is No Baloney'
Adapted for the screen by Craig Mazin ("Superhero Movie")
Directed by Michael Bay
Starring Zac Efron as Holden Caulfield
Miley Cyrus as Phoebe
Jonah Hill as Robert Ackley
Sisqo as Ward Stradlater
and
Carson Kressley as Mr. Antolini
with Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme as the Lunts.
Featuring a soundtrack by Raven Symone, Kellie Pickler, Lou Bega, Heidi Montag, 2 Live Crew, and a duet of Scott Stapp & Jennifer Lopez

How about Equal Rites starring Dakota Fanning as Esk and Bea Arthur as Granny Weatherwax?

"Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell adapted for the screen by whatshisname from Napoleon Dynamite, directed by Steven Spielberg starring
Keanu Reeves as Adam Ewing
Kevin Costner as Frobisher
Mischa Barton as Eva
Marlon Brando as Sixsmith
Britney Murphy as Luisa Ray
This guy I had acting class with (who thought he was hot sh*t) as Timothy Cavendish
Annnnd Jeri Ryan as Sonmi-451 and that's enough with the actors... this is terrible.
And the soundtrack done by Andrew Lloyd Webber. God I hate that guy.

An updated adaptation of Catch 22, adapted for the screen by Avika Goldman, with Adam Sandler as Yossarian and directed by either Michael Bay, Ivan Reitman or Renny Harlin.

Jerry Bruckhiemer presents a Michael Bay film:
REPO MAN
Dane Cook, Will Ferrell, Sienna Miller, Cuba Gooding Jr, Anthony Anderson, Eddie Griffin, Bai Ling and Jon Voight
(PG-13)

Lawrence of Arabia with Matthew McConaughey as Lawrence

Hollywood has stayed away from Guy Gavriel Kay, for the most part....until now.

TIGANA
A film by Michael Bay
Screenplay adapted by (who else?) Paul Haggis

Starring:
JOHN KRASINSKI as Alessan
ZAC EFRON as Devin
ELIZABETH BANKS as Dianora
PARIS HILTON as Catriana
BEN STILLER as Baerd
CUBA GOODING, JR. as Sandre d'Astibar
PATRICK DEMPSEY as Rovigo
HEIDI MONTAG as Alais
SETH GREEN as Scelto
DANE COOK as Alberico
VINCENT D'ONOFRIO as Brandin
and
BJORK as the Riselka

An adaptation of "House of Leaves," which I hope to God never, ever happens.

Johnny Truant: Owen Wilson
Lude: Luke Wilson
Will Navidson: Nicholas Cage
Karen Green: Kate Moss
Tom Navidson: Randy Quaid
Thumper and Pelifina would BOTH be played by Angelina Jolie, of course
and Daisy would be aged up, given a subplot about sexual awakening, and played by Dakota Fanning.

I had this nightmare that 'Pride and Prejudice' was remade starring Kiera Shitely in the role of Elizabeth bennet all flat chest, oversized jaw and hideous acting. Ah well at least it was just a dream....right?

The version with Collin Firth and Jennifer Ehle was perfection how could anyone ever think they could do it better?

http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/04/02/spoofing-superbad/

Via defamer and sourced from moviehole.net Original story is also dated April 2. Could be an even more elaborate prank than Pajiba pulled.

But are you willing to bet your life on that?

What can I say Stanpipe... I can build amazing crap.

Zadie Smith's White Teeth is one of the best fiction I have ever read. BBC made a made-for-tv film production that was really exceptional. It was spot on on dialogue and characterization. My love affair with James Mcavoy started with this film.

I WOULD HATE for some hackney american/british director to ruin it. Stay away! I warn u, stay away! I want a say so when they do make a film version. *hehe

Sometimes I wish my browser would behave. Re-typing is horrible. I can't remember half of what I wrote. Sigh.

Anyways, I wanted to warn all the hackney directors and screenwriters out there to STAY AWAY from WHITE TEETH. I need to have a say when they do make a film version of the book.

BBC made a made for tv production with James McAvoy. He had a minor role that he totally owned! I have been in love with him ever since.

I warn u. Stay away!

genny/rusty:

His name was Perkin!

Word on the Keira Craply Pride and Prejudice and Cirian Hinds as Captain Wentworth.

Some like it Hot

Joe/Josephine: Vince Vaughn
Gerry/Daphne: Ben Stiller
Sugar: Jessica Simpson (thinking they needed someone who could "sing")
Oswald: Robin Williams
Sweet Sue: Wanda Sykes

I think this would kill me.

Lord of the Flies, with a 21st century update and poignant message about terrorism. The kids are a representative mix of nationalities (and are cast through a reality tv show), an American officer (Tom Cruise) leads the rescue party and saves them in the end. Inexplicably, all of the kids' mothers and fathers are on the rescue ship, so we can have lots of happy cuddles and a high note to end with.

Lord of the Flies II, a prequel where the voiceover of the naval officer Cruise recounts a sobering coming-of-age tale at a time "when we feared different demons". A model-UN of American, British (i.e. English), Soviet and Yugoslav kids learn to co-operate and survive. The great thing about this sequel is that a handful of the kids are girls, and one particualr wench, Svetlana, goes back home "carrying a new hope". We are then lead to believe future officer Cruise's seed ended communism. Fade to credits.

Oh, of course:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15986_30-things-that-should-never-be-adapted-film.html

carrie! I am an English teacher, and I have been looking for a copy of the BBC's White Teeth for frickin' ever, because I want to teach the book and then show the movie to my class. I know there are no official copies, but, um, do you maybe know of any, er, "unofficial" ones?

Oh, topic? Let's see:

MAUS
by Dreamworks studios and the team who brought you Shrek

Voiced by:
Art: Robin Williams
Vladek: Roberto Benigni
Francoise: Audrey Tatou
Mala: Doris Roberts
Anja: Scarlett Johansson
with special guest Mike Myers, as Art's goyisch pal Hank.

Music by John Williams.

Damn!
I can't think of anything that'd actualy bother me in any meaningfull way - I'd enjoy seeing any adaptation of one of my favourites, especialy if it was realy bad and dreadfully miscast!