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WTF?

I wish that Cris could see into the future and figure out a way to make screen writers stop fucking up Philip K. Dick stories. Grrrr.

Without using any ability to see the future, I knew this movie would suck when I saw Nicholas Cage in it. It also made me think of a giant worm...

After my umpteenth viewing of "The Fugitive" on TBS last night was so rudely interrupted every 5 minutes by the "DVDonTV Show/extended commercial for 'Next'", I had actually contemplated going to see this movie tonight. Thanks for the spoilers... you just saved me 15 bucks. :-)

Nicolas Cage has been on my shit list a long time. HOW DOES HE KEEP GETTING WORK? It has gotten to the point that I just simply refuse to watch any of his movies. A few people have told me that Lord of War is good, but I can't bring myself to watch him act anymore. Only two other actors have reached this status in my eyes; Kevin Costner and John Travolta.

As a huge PK Dick fan, I have grown to hate any movie that claims to be based on his writing. I think anyone would be hard pressed to find an author with so many movies based on his books that are nothing like the original stories.

I keep saying it: whoever does Nic Cage's weave is in serious need of a barium enema. That'll learn 'em.

I've only seen one of Lee Tamahori's films, it was in my second year Postcolonial Literature class and it was ONCE WERE WARRIORS. It's a quite different film from what he's been doing lately, isn't it?

I'm sorry, Mr. Carlson, but you must've been very young indeed to have been emotionally affected by Leaving Las Vegas. Cage was as overwrought and tiresome as he's ever been--yes, yes, I know he won the fucking Oscar for it; but Oscar gets it wrong a lot.

The only time Nicolas Cage has ever been watchable was in Raising Arizona.

Your review above has the entertainment value of at least twenty Nic Cage films. There is too much good stuff in there for me to find a quote...Sorry, I can't resist: "damning him with faint damning." That there's good stuff. I'm going to be using that in conversation at the first opportunity. Hope you don't mind.

Man, I have a headache.

Also, just how long has Cage's hairline been making a beeline for his butt? Nicky, ol' boy, maybe it's time to give it up on the hair. Though, he's in a bit of a pickle, seeing as I don't think the bald look would work for him, either.

I hate to say it, but this is all Blade Runner's fault. It was a successful and more than halfway decent treatment of PKD's work. Unfortunately, it (and to a lesser extent IMO, Total Recall) led to studios trying to find crappy scripts that had even the bare minimum connection to one of his stories. Once they did (which, considering his body of work, it would be harder to find a sci-fi plot he DIDN'T write before), they paid for the words "Based on a PKD story" and shipped it out. And here we are with this flick, which will probably only be watched by people who have never read his stories, thinking this would give them some sort of credibility. Ugh.

I too have wonder about Cage and his eyeliner fetish and I laughed out loud at the review until I came to the end. They seriously ended it like that????

I was gonna Netflix it but damn if it ended like that why bother? I think I'm gonna 'movie spoiler' this one just to make sure because I'd be pissed if I wasted my money on this.

I'm glad you guys finally spoiled a movie. I never want to see these pieces of shit, but I'm always curious as to what happens anyway for some reason. I totally called the whole movie turning out to be a dream sequence when I saw the trailer for the first time. That is What Not To Do In Film 101 right in between "main characters turn out to be the same person" and "startling noise is just the cat, don't worry, pause for relief, then immediate new startling noise is the real killer".

I wish Tamahori had turned out more material in line with Once Were Warriors but he's made it quite clear he has no interest in good movies. I guess all of the cross dressing got to his head or something, I dunno.

Lord of War is somewhat good because Cage's non-acting fits, at least to me.

Ok just a couple things: Cage was great in Raising Arizona AND Moonstruck (one of two "chickies" that I like, the other of course Say Anything)...but since Adaptation, how IS he getting work? Hmmmmm...could it be his REAL last name???
And second, Blade Runner is a PERFECT example of narration done RIGHT (it's not nearly as good w/out Harrison's voiceover...always found that strange)
And Daisy- my boyfriend FORCED me to sit and watch Lord of War...you're not missing much.

Daisy, I TOTALLY agree with you! I cannot watch any of those guys any more. I would also add Mel Gibson and Robin Williams to the list. Neither of those guys has made a decent film since God was a child!

Really, I enjoyed Lord of War, and I even think Nick Cage was decent in it; though most of the supporting cast was better.

Also: C'mon, is everyone forgetting A Scanner Darkless accidentally, or deliberately, or what?

Wow, this sounds like an absolutely terrible script and movie. Really awful.
It's a pity. I always kind of liked Nicholas Cage in general - especially in Moonstruck, Raising Arizona, and Adaptations. Even in Matchstick Men, though I wasn't crazy about the film. I though he was alright in Leaving Las Vegas, though I actually disliked the movie. I found it really depressing in a pathetic way - not like Requium For a Dream depressing since it seemed to lack intensity (for me anyway).
Anyway... it's been quite a while since Cage has done any real acting. It just looks like he's gotten SO goddamn lazy and sloppy with choosing scripts. I don't think he ever, ever, ever turns down a script. I think he will do whatever movie is set before him so that he's always working, regardless of the quality of his work.
Maybe he's just a plain, old-fashioned workaholic who just goes about his job in a mindless, zombie kind of way.
Kind of depressing.

I have only to hear the words WEATHER MAN and I begin to tremble uncontrollably. I was subjected to that tripe over the past Christmas break and the pain still lingers on. That an actor of Michael Caine's caliber talks at length about camel toe in that movie makes it even worse. There can only be one answer to all this cinematic misery: Nicolas Cage is a soldier of Satan.

god damnit, wheres the fucking review for The Invisible?

I HATED "Leaving Las Vegas" although I did have the action figures. WHO in hell keeps going to Nic's movies. WHO is it that makes him a movie star, not unlike Adam Sandler. (If any says "Spanglish" I will scream.) WHO can we blame? I wasted a whole netflix slot of Adapation? God, what a painful movie that was. Not one but 2 Nicolas Cage's(Cagii?)
And have you noticed Cage has made at least 3 movies set in Las Vegas and all were suckier than the last. Since it's my home, make him stay away.

does Nicolas Cage have it written into all his contracts that he must get to grope a gal who is minimum 15 years younger than him? i know it's off nearly everyone's agenda now but i still tire of seeing men like Cage get older, balder and paunchier while their on-screen ladies get hotter and younger.

he did make some decent films in the 80's though - add Vampire's Kiss to the list. and i like to assume that with his dumb ass projects he funds better ones, like Shadow of the Vampire. or maybe i just like the bats?

LT made Once Were Warriors? Damn, that was a good movie -- what the hell happened to him?

Mitch Clem, give yourself a bookmark for The Movie Spoiler and save yourself from seeing bad movies just because you're curious (it saved me).

I have NEVER understood the Nic Cage love. I didn't understand it in Moonstruck, I didn't understand it in the post-LLV action flicks. And LLV? Well, at least he was a wreck; it made sense.

Ha! Soldier of satan. Wait, I see the movie script already... Nicolas Cage..is..Soldier of Satan. Oh wait, that WAS a movie- Ghostrider. Damn, what does this man have left to ruin?

I'm sorry, I couldn't even read the entire review. I'm sure glad you warned me away from the actual movie...

Cage wasn't acting in Raising Arizona, that is really him. He has been unwatchable for years.

what's sad is that many will probably think this "surprise" is an original idea, having not seen Brazil, An Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge, etc.

Thank you, Daniel, for bringing back the snark. I haven't read such a deliciously bitchy and scathing review in a long time.

Three points:
1). You used "Mulder" as a verb. Awesome.
2)> You invoked the voiceover of my favorite bad sci-fi series of all time. Quantum Leap fans rejoice!
3). Nic Cage, Zoolander called, and he wants "Blue Steel" back. Jesus, man, lay off the Botox!

I, too, enjoyed the Quantum Leap reference. Where's Ziggy when you need him?

Me too on the kudos for using "Mulder" as a verb. I will be working that one into my vocabulary regularly.

Idea association but off-topic, at the local dog beach there's a giant labrador who swims, rolls around in the sand and then rubs up against complete strangers to dry off. Since his name is Scully, we call it being "Scullied".

Personally I like the recent World of Warcrack pun on the Mulder/Scully thing, in which an NPG was called "Sculder". I say combine it, then verb it.

Lemme peruse this review, Phillip K. Dick adaptation, hmmm, Jessica Biel's ample and well formed buttocks and Nicolas....Ca WTF!?!?!?!

PASS!!!

Hee, when reviews begin with the author telling us of his desire to cease existing you know the movie has to be bad. I'm so happy that I will never have to sit through this movie.

Louise: Thankyouthankyouthankyou for the link! I get so frustrated by trailers for movies that I know are going to suck but I'll see them regardless because of a crushing desire to know what happens. This will save me a remarkable amount of money!

On a previous review one poster here really nailed the way Cage does that annoying schtick of his: pausing then talkin' reallyreally fast and then pausing while looking like an idiot while whining at the same, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus and now, his hair looks like it's painted cheese cloth or something, yeah, what the hell is that?
I know it's human whatever it is.

Wow.

I knew from seeing the previews that this one was bad. But I foolishly thought it was only Hungover Sunday morning on the couch, TBS bad. I didn't even comprehend it was Paul Haggis bad.

"Anyway, Callie is after Cris because the Russians, in a plot twist straight out of 20 years ago, have smuggled a nuke into the L.A. area and Callie thinks Cris can help find it."

Oh good Lord. I'm sorry. I just had to stop reading the review at that point. The only thing that my mind could think of, after reading that, followed by "Gurgle", was, "Holy unoriginality Batman!"

I just..... I think I need my meds now..... Excuse me....... Mommy, where are you?

Mommy?

But really though. Screw the rest of the review.

Are you single, Dan?

This reminds me of the greatest TV show ever, Dallas!

Oh man, you've never been on Space Mountain? It's the perfect example of old-school futuristic, and its just a great ride. I hate rollercoasters (too high up), and I loved this one.

Wow. There really are no other words for Nic Cage. Except to comment (again) on his hair. Seriously, does no one know how to work a weave in Hollywood anymore?

I just wanted to add Valley Girl. I think all his work since has sucked.

I got dragged to this by my idiot friends (thank God, I didn't have to pay) last night, and I wanted to stab myself in the eyes the whole time; especially since I am familiar with the actual, not terrible, story.

Just. Horrible.

Seeing him with Biel was just cringe-inducingly skeevy - I need some Pajiba brand Eye-Bleach to get it out of my mind, STAT.

Everyone else, especially Daniel, has already said exactly what I would have, so I won't bother commenting on how ridiculous this movie sounds. I only have one question: Is anyone else a extremely grossed out by the thought of Nicholas Cage and Jessica Biel in bed together?

Isn't he almost 50? Isn't she 20?

Maria i believe he is married to a girl about as old as biel (at the oldest!) it is skeevy.

nicholas cage has the ability to make movies that have the pontential be craptastic and fun into just painfully crappy.

In all seriousness, how DOES he get his hair like that?

Daniel, I must seize this opportunity to give a whole-hearted shout-out for the revealing of 'spoilers' for movies that you sincerely hope no regular reader of Pajiba would even consider spending hard-earned movie money on:

"Hey film fans, your ol' pal here, telling you that you do NOT want to waste your time on this godawful piece of crap, 'chock full' of such 'suckitude' (borrowed that, love it) that not only am I going to reveal the entire plot of this 'cinematic abortion' (another loaner, thanks)-I'm going to GIVE YOU THE ENDING you'd have otherwise been so disgusted having wasted your time and money on had you have gone."

THAT, my friend, is the kind of review I want and expect from you great ones at this site: just as Dustin's 'real-time' review of the 'Passion of the Christ' DVD was the absolute perfect type of review to adequately describe what seems a somewhat-devastating, exhausting experience of watching that film, despite the cushion of sanctuary of your own home, you have indeed delivered your message loud, clear, and so friggin' eloquently that, even now, I quietly applaud bad actors/directors/movies, just for making this crap they consider "art," if ONLY for inspiring the greatest of the "OMG, WTF did I just put myself through?" kind of review that results in yet another classic Pajiba article that I now keep in my Hall of Fame of favorites.

Hell, I say there aren't ENOUGH spoilers in your reviews of already globally-accepted awful movies, and that you guys consider adding even more. One can always click to something else if one doesn't want to have an ending of a movie spoiled that they're determined to see anyway.

Because Daniel, your poetic, yet remarkably restrained hate and venom you so literally spew at this particular abomination has been an absolute joy to read, and I'm sorry you had to get so angry to write this, while at the same time remembering some of my own greatest diatribes that could only have been written whilst I was fully pissed off, and recognize this as the curse/blessing it can be, depending on various things when you're writing, yada yada.

You suffered for that review, Daniel. And you have my utmost respect and gratitude for sharing what was surely a tremendous burden to endure. All of the Pajiba staff has the blessings of us (Pajibanians?) who could do with a few more 'spoiler' reviews for movies that you truly want us to stay away from - even if you type in bold black letters,
"Don't pay to see this movie in a theater"
and nothing else. We all have our favorite reviewers, and we trust their instincts enough to know when to "Just say NO."

Okay, that took almost an hour to type, including proof-reading, so I'm done for now. Thank you anyone for reading, and I got my one writing outlet for the week (or more).

Keep up the quality and great work everyone, including the ever-reliable commenters who keep me strapped to my PC all day long (or in this case, night, since I usually only write when I'm fairly well intoxicated). It's what keeps me coming back.

Nicolas Cage really wasn't awful at first - someone mentioned "Valley Girl," and of course "Raising Arizona," and he cracked me up in "Peggy Sue Got Married." Granted I was really young when I first saw all of those, but it seems like he took a really ill advised step into action movies, and decided to throw in a "dramatic" role every couple of years, and now it's come to this. He was once good at playing dim-witted but well-intentioned characters in comedies - I have no idea if he could still play that one role, because he keeps trying to play weird testosterony leading men instead.

Oh, and count me among those who are disturbed by the age difference between the leads here. THis isn't so much May-December as it is February-and-July-of-NEXT-year.

...but then you woke up in a cold sweat in your bed, realizing that you hadn't actually seen the movie yet. So you decided not to go. Problem solved!

...count me among those who are disturbed by the age difference between the leads here. THis isn't so much May-December as it is February-and-July-of-NEXT-year. Edith

Nicolas Cage born 7th January 1964
Jessica Biel born 3rd March 1982

Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwhhh!

Never passes comment if the guy is that much older within a movie, but if it's the other way round, it's the whole premise of the film

Sad, ain't it

I too loved the use of Mulder as a verb!
You rule, Daniel! :)

"Anyway, Cris finally meets Liz at the diner and uses his ability to see all possible outcomes of their meeting to find the pick-up line that actually works"

Totally stolen from Groundhog Day.
Nikkkkkk Cage you are NO Bill Murray!!

"3). Nic Cage, Zoolander called, and he wants "Blue Steel" back."
Posted by: Tammy at April 28, 2007 12:08 PM"

AHAHAHAA!!!

I only had to hear that Nicolas Cage was in it to know it's a piece of shit. It would be more clever that if at the end he woke up in high school with Kathleen Turner and Jim Carrey...or in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette.

all his movies suck pretty much. i cant watch any of them all the way through.
but he was kinda hawt in a schkeevy way in Con Air.
NC is a one dimensional actor.
gary oldman is the best actor out there, period.
along with J depp (for adventure and risk taking for role selection.

i wish Rome were still on because Tudors sucks.

For my part, Nicholas Cage isn't good looking enough to be with someone that young. Johnny Depp can maybe pull it off but even he's pushing it.

I don't know, something about the eyeliner, the receeding hairline, or the constant ambigous expression on his face for every emotion he's supposed to be emoting ... it all just screams ... retire to me. He's like Eddie Murphy or Robin Williams, they were funny a while ago, now it's just getting sadder every movie they make.

IMHO: Nic has or HAD a character actor's face, he should have let himself age gracefully. And, @WTF:yup Rome was indeed awesome and that had a lot to do with the dude who played Marc Anthony. I wonder if they could've taken another era of the Roman Empire and used the same cast somehow.

complete sidetrack (because discussing "next" is too painful): the absolute gold standard for voiceover is "goodfellas", in which the narration is always just ahead or just behind the action - which always adds to the effect. check it out, again, and see what a masterful piece of work it is. there have been many, many imitators of that technique since ("fight club", anyone?) but nobody did it like marty did then.

And second, Blade Runner is a PERFECT example of narration done RIGHT (it's not nearly as good w/out Harrison's voiceover...always found that strange

Hey, BE Adequite!, you rock. You're completely right, but you're the first person I've come across to say that. Everyone seems to think the goddamned director's cut is the greatest thing ever, and there's a persistent UL that says that Ridley Scott got Harrison Ford to do the voiceover really badly so it would get cut. I've always thought that was crap. And that the director's cut is worse than the original.

Thanks for the warning on this one, though I have to agree with the folks on here. Cage has been falling off since "Leaving Las Vegas" (I liked him a lot in that film, "Red Rock West," and "Raising Arizona). The ending sounds like the ending for Emilio Estevez's first film "Wisdom." Hated that copout bullsh!t.

So, still no answer to the "Is Dan single" query, huh? It's Monday morning, people, work with me here!

It's not so much the age difference thing thats creepy (says the girl who once dated a guy 18 years older than her) it's more the fact that Nic Cage looks like he may possibly secrete something that it'd be hard to wash off... eeeughh.... I'm not even going to get into the hair as it's been covered so very eloquently above.

I personally think Nic Cage's best work since Raising Arizona and Peggy Sue is as Fu Manchu in Werewolf Women of the SS.

Man... I'm so over Nicholas fucking Cage.

Dude is like so over and the movie sounds like total shit.

I am getting so sick of the Age diffirence between the male leads and the love interest.
Why do they insist on puting a 40 something guy (In the sickest case 60something guy...Thank you Entrampment eeewwwwwwww) with a bearly 20 love interest. Nicholas cage is super bad at this, in his last movie he had Eva Mendes as the girl, in this he has Jessica Biel. What next Nick Cage and Dakota Fanning ???!!!!????

Why does Lee Tahmahore keep making movies with special effects when he clearly cant. The explossion in the trailer whas the worst CGI this side of the BOLL. I mean he gets the money, the equipment and such. How come he suck so bad. Not to mention he cant seam to make a good movie since OWW.

i'll tell you how Nicolas Cage keeps getting work:

6 of the 7 movies that are either at some stage of production or have been announced (per IMDB) in which he's starring also list him as PRODUCER.

so there you go.

A Scanner Darkly! A Scanner Darkly was very true to the book...

but Jesus, its absolutely awful to think that they even tried to base this movie on a Philip K. Dick novel. I always figured this was like Act 2 of Nic Cage's recent awful action movies (Act 1 being Ghost Rider of course)...so sad.
I think he plays neurotic best (Adaptation, Matchstick Men) and should stay away from the action hero role...

I loved Cage in "Wild at Heart", I must admit. He's never bothered me, for some strange reason. Mind you, boyfriend's a mess and has made some stinkers, but I can handle it.

A particularly bad movie? "The Family Man", in which he plays the dreaded Leoni's husband. My particular beef is his constant referral to her as "non-profit lawyer" when the proper moniker is "public interest lawyer." That kind of inaccuracy drives me crazy when somebody's profession is a large part of a movie.

Rant over.

Alex the Odd said: It's not so much the age difference thing thats creepy (says the girl who once dated a guy 18 years older than her) it's more the fact that Nic Cage looks like he may possibly secrete something that it'd be hard to wash off...

I agree that NC is particularly skeevy, but the problem I have with the age difference is that it's never ACKNOWLEDGED in these sorts of films. Yes, people who are that far apart in age do sometimes hook up in real life, but the fact that they're 18 years apart at least gets mentioned at some point. The idea that it's perfectly plausible for Jessica Biel to fall in love with Nicolas Cage - with a Nicolas Cage who's a magician, no less - and that their age difference never comes up is just nasty.

On another note, Julianne Moore is in this movie? WHY? (And I wouldn't be at all surprised if no one even considered casting her as the love interest, since she's obviously too old to be attractive to a man 4 years younger than her)...

GREAT review!!! HORRIBLE movie, which sucks since I had hoped the movie would be better than the trailers looked, but at least you gave us good warning beforehand.

Nicholas Cage has been weird for a while, and that part I've come to accept. But how did Julianne Moore get typecast into these ruthless-and/or-ambitious-with-good-intentions-but-ultimately-clueless roles that I keep seeing her in?

And for all those who were talking about the awesomeness of Harrison Ford's narration in Blade Runner: I COMPLETELY agree.

I'm almost certain that J. Biel was born the year before N. Cage's later spooge receptacle.

The idea that it's perfectly plausible for Jessica Biel to fall in love with Nicolas Cage - with a Nicolas Cage who's a magician, no less - and that their age difference never comes up is just nasty.

Somewhere, David Copperfield and David Blaine are quietly weeping in each other's arms, burned to the core by such an insult.

I hadn't considered it that way Edith. And it is a very good point because in the real world it is definitely brought up. On a regular basis.

Also: Vermillion - do you have any idea how much I did not want that mental image while eating breakfast? Ugh.

It has been my observation that NC probably fancies himself as a kind of marlon brando. the way he talks and presents himself on film, his behavior outside of his film making...marlon brando was an important actor of his time and continues to have an impact on actors through his films. Hi slife outside of his films...well, thats not so good but at least he was authentic. NC is just kinda puffed up...a bunch of pomp with no real circumstance.

but thats just my thought on it.

The problem with Cage is, the Oscar for "Leaving Los Vegas" caused him to completely lose his sense of humor about himself, which was his strongest point as an actor, IMO, in films like "Raising Arizona," "Peggy Sue Got Married," "Vampire's Kiss." That goofy off-kilterness was a big part of his charm. But now he's truly become a sad, fake-baked, Botoxed bad-haired nightmare, not to mention box-office poison. Sad that this is the same person who was once the rumpled, sexy-eyed boy in the very awesome "Valley Girl." Oh, and word to all those here who've commented on the whole age-difference/physical attractiveness difference deal. It's something that's become so ubiquitous, tiresome really. Like, has anyone seen that BK commercial where there's this totally joe-average, pasty, weedy-looking guy sitting on a plane squeezed right next to a totally perfect-looking model-type. He's chowing down on a big greasy burger and she turns to him and smiles fetchingly, motioning to him that he has sauce on his mouth? That's what I'm talking about. I said to my husband, no way any woman would be anything but be like, dude, could have eaten that in the fucking terminal while we were waiting 30 minutes to board! Especially not some plastic-perfect fembot-type with some skinny nerd. Now, if they guy in question looked like Matthew Fox or something, MAYBE it would be plausible for her to flirt with him. But... oh, fuck it. What I'm saying is, the vast majority of real couples are pretty well-matched, looks/age-wise, and yet in the media almost all you see are average-looking or too-old guys paired with cookie-cutter pretty very young women. Not even attractive, striking-looking types, but -- we all know that straight-haired, button-nosed, flawless-skinned, skinny tanned blank-eyed thing all starlets have nowadays. It's a problem because it sets guys up to be disappointed with the women whom they can realistically attract, which can mutate into the dreaded "Say Anything" syndrome of obsession/stalking of these"out of their league" women, 99 times out of 100 resulting not in a passionate "I love you, too" but in a restraining order. And sometimes it can turn into a suicidal, murderous shooting spree.

I never liked movies that set up to use deus ex machina (LAZY WRITING! You'd think Cage would've remembered this from 'Adaptation' where the screenwriting professor is telling his character how much deus ex machina sucks and realize the whole script for "Next" blows but noooo), so thanks for the spoilers. It's sad how Cage can do AMAZING movies, but for every amazing movie he's done, he's got 4 bad ones under his belt too. =)