The Darkness is Nigh. The End is Near. Ark Music Factory Strikes Again.
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The Darkness is Nigh. The End is Near. Ark Music Factory Strikes Again.

By Courtney Enlow | Music | October 15, 2013 | Comments ()


…I don’t even know. I’m at such a loss.

Remember that time I watched Batman & Robin and everything went wobbly and I nearly had to be institutionalized? This is kind of like that. Less nipples, but a lot like that.

I hope you’re happy, Alison Gold’s parents, who paid a lot of money to make this happen and are probably monsters.

Like…*shakes head to stop the demons screaming* I genuinely believe “Friday” was a fluke, not intended to make the viral splash that it did. And, now, obviously everything that’s come after has been designed for the sole purpose of inciting general YouTube youtubery. But…like…that’s a kid. And I don’t think she’s in on the joke…And there’s a panda…and rainbow noodles…And racist? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM. MY LAPTOP IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS. AND I’M FUCKING HUNGRY FOR SOME DAMN CHINESE FOOD.

Why do you have to be like this, internet? Why couldn’t you just be cat videos and pervy chatrooms like the good old days? These are the bad times. The baddest of times. HOLD ME.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • stryker1121

    Eh this will die on the smacks of effortful suckiness, not honest suckery.

  • bastich

    This video clearly demonstrates how the music industry pandas to the lowest common denominator.

  • BlackRabbit

    What was the POINT of that song? There had to be some sane intent behind it, even if the expression of it was like an acid bath of talentless crap.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    "Our kid wants to make a music video! Let's get her that for her birthday."

  • BlackRabbit

    "Yeah, who needs money for college?"

  • Zeebedida

    What in the chinese pedobear hell of fu*k?! My neurones just collapsed and I think my ear is drooling...

  • LaserGuidedHerpes

    eh nothing came from thanksgiving, I'm sure nothing will come of this

  • Uriah_Creep

    Are we sure this isn't a long-form Panda Express commercial? It sure has hard-hitting lyrics.

    "I love Chinese food, you know that it's true!"

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    She's clearly too young to love Chinese food that much. At that age, she's probably still ordering off the damn kids menu and getting those batter dipped chicken fingers that are totally chicken fingers but they look weird so you pitch a fucking fit about them anyway until your parents try to smother you to death with plain white rice and butter.

  • RhymesWithSilver

    I beg your pardon, but I've been into super-spicy Szechuan food at least since I was five. I'd be crying as I ate it, but I wanted the real deal. But this girl? Chicken fingers all the way.

  • Looks like Sexual Harassment Panda has fallen on some hard times.

  • Marc Greene

    It is musical AIDS.

  • Chantene

    Why is this ten year old clubbing and having the drunk munchies? Where are her parents?

  • Yocean

    Maybe this was made in response to some accusation. "I got a black friend who make money off me and bunch of Chinese friends who I make dance in freak-geisha outfits (nevermind geisha is Japanese and that thing I don't really know what it is). And I love Chinese Food! I'M NOT RACIST!!!" That's Miley level of twisted logic there.

  • ViciousTrollop

    I'll just leave this here.

  • anikitty

    She didn't eat a single bite of the Chinese food she loves. There's social commentary in there somewhere.

  • Godtopus bless you, Courtney. I'd forgotten all about that liveblog incident. I hope you get an extra serving of tapioca in whatever rubber room you're living in these days.

    Just close your eyes and make it all go away. The bad pandas can't hurt you with your eyes closed.

  • yocean

    Is that the same producer of The Friday and that asinine Thanksgiving song? Where is "To Catch a Predator" when we need them? Also, I don't know about other subtitles but I can confirm Japanese subtitle is so so wrong. It means something like "chicken wing make spicy" .

  • George Tarleton

    The fact that the subtitles are wonky makes this whole thing that much more amazing and by amazing I mean kill it with fire.

  • A. Nonny Mouse

    I know people say this a lot, but I seriously have no words. None. I'm done speaking forever after that...

  • JenVegas

    this is awful but now i want an eggroll. damn my impressionable brain.

  • Ruthie O

    Pedo Panda makes me sad and uncomfortable.

  • If I were the guy in that suit, you could not have paid me enough to take the head off on camera. I'd have taken that secret to my grave.

  • George Tarleton

    me brain not what there girl why stop hurt thing that can't please no help

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    We've lost another one! Over here!

    *approaches George Tarleton with syringe*

  • AudioSuede

    Did you love Rebecca Black's "Friday," but wished it had more racism and little girls dressed up as geishas? Well then, have we got the video for you!

  • Fredo

    You can shut down the Internet.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Make peace with your gods, Enlow. There can be no mercy for subjecting me to that... that thing.

  • bastich

    Feed her to the rainbow pandas!

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